Kimmieh

My ABF called yesterday and asked to go out for dinner today. I agreed although I wasn't sure dinner is a good idea given that I needed to talk to him about the last time we saw each other (during which he was very drunk, mean, and pushy). We set out to the restaurant, but he seemed in a strange state (withdrawal?). Normally I would have tried to just make it a normal dinner to feel like a normal couple, but I just couldn't this time. I told him we need to talk and immediately he said he doesn't want to and turned around. He said he just wanted a nice dinner and I said I cannot have a nice dinner.

I told him that I cannot stay in this relationship and look at myself in the mirror after being disrespected by him when he is drunk. I cannot worry constantly and I cannot watch him self-destruct. I told him that it is wearing me out and making me miserable and that I cannot continue like this. He got very quiet and asked what I want him to do and I said I would love for him to get better. Then he asked where to start and I asked if he could stop drinking and he said he could try. He wants to talk about it tomorrow. He said that he has been depressed and I had no idea to which extent he is depressed. He agreed that he needs therapy badly.

I am sure many of you have heard it all before and I don't know where this will go. But for me it is not only about communicating my frustration to him, but to finally stop grabbing every opportunity to act like a normal couple to make up for the frustrations. It was not even difficult - I felt unable to walk into that restaurant, eat, and have small talk. And it was the first time that he saw how miserable I am while being sober. He apologized and I will take it as a sincere apology for now until his actions prove me wrong.

I am not going to lie, I want to go there and bring him a sandwich and wrap him in a blanket and bring him money because he is broke, but I won't. I was able to ask him to honestly ask himself how much money he spends on alcohol. I am glad that this was a tiny step out of this awful cycle of being upset with him and then smoothing things over. Tomorrow I will see what he could see as a plan of action, but today, despite being worried and sad, I will try to be a little proud of myself.

Thank you all!!! :ghug

Barbara52

You did good protecting yourself and expressing what you are feeling and wanting. That's wonderful.

As for the ABF, well, you know it's up to him to find recovery. You can't do it for him. ANd his actions will speak much louder than any words.

CatsPajamas

Kimmie,

Taking care of ourselves and setting boundaries is huge. When my ex and I separated, we would get together once in awhile for dinner to talk about stuff. I learned early on to meet him AT the restaurant so that I could leave whenever I wanted or needed to.

Good luck with this... it's a process for all involved. Just remember the 3 c's - you didn't cause it, you can't control it and you can't cure it. His alcoholism/addiction is his to own, and so is his recovery.

Hugs
Cats

Rella927

Kimmie kudos to you!

My XABF and I met several times too after we broke up-and after meeting with him, I actually sat their one day and said to myself-WOW those people at SR are right-I was getting no where! I was hearing him quaking everytime we got together-the communication was not changing to benefit me! It was only causing me anguish and frustration... And I needed to protect me and move on with my life and leave him to his. It was hard but, today life is better because I did what I needed for me not him!

No you cannot!

Moving forward and creating boundaries as we go, makes life more manageable! Keep moving forward and be gentle with yourself while doing so!

Kimmieh

Thank you all for your replies!

I am not having a good day today (although it's been a little better this evening) because the more I think about this, the more I have to realize that he will not quit anytime soon OR work on his issues through professional help. How is one to deal with watching someone who is constantly on the brink of losing everything?

And then someone from my past calls me because he is getting divorced (ha) and he is also an alcoholic. We were never in a relationship, but that just made me cringe because I am really not in need of another alcoholic who is looking for some understanding and misguided sympathy from my codependent self. This is another guy I used to want to fix. Now he wanted to visit me (after confirming that I live alone), but I told him that I am in a relationship and that wouldn't be very appropriate.

I have declared this a drama-free week because I have exams next week and it's time to focus on those. It's me week (the fancy new gym that I cannot afford helps, too).

Thank you for letting me ramble! :ghug

ToughChoices

It's hard to watch. It's like a horror movie: sad, scary, and there's nothing you can do to change the ending. I'm thinking about leaving the theater and renting a comedy.

'Cause alcoholism does not go well for people.
It can bring people to recovery, and, in that way enrich their lives immensely, but the day-to-day, active disease part of the -ism is not fun.

I deal by limiting my exposure to the alcoholic, actively participating in Al-Anon, and taking good care of my physical and social needs.
All of those things help me decide how close I want my "seat" for the addiction show to be.

What could you watch instead?

Hugs to you today.
-TC

GiveLove

I'm sorry, Kimmie. I couldn't watch any more. It was too stressful and too awful - for me. He was going to do it whether or not I watched, and I just couldn't do that to myself any more. I understand how you feel though.

Good luck on your exams and let us know how you do. I think EVERY week should be a drama-free week....don't you?

Barbara52

I couldn't. I left my xAH in part becasue I could not watch him slowly self-destruct.

Good for you for recognizing this and nipping it in the bud. Protecting yourself comes first.

Good luck with the studying and tests!

Kimmieh

Ooohh, more comments! Thank you - you are too sweet!

Tough Choice, I am with you on the choice of genre - a comedy would be nice!

This is what I have been trying to do and I realize that spending time with him is not a priority at the moment (being with me is not one for him either). It makes me very sad, but I have no energy to work on changing that and I am more relaxed with some distance.

GiveLove, a drama-free LIFE! Whoa! I cannot even imagine what that would be like!!

Barbara, "rejecting" this pretty clear "offer" from that guy is something I am very proud of because I used to be very attracted to him and there was a time when I would have loved to be in a relationship with him. But he is an alcoholic and a manipulator and I have to finally grow up and not be this afraid of possibly being single. I don't know why I am so afraid of it, but I am trying to figure it out and there is no room for an ambiguous friendship with another alcoholic...

I gave ABF a ride today (so much for drama-free - yes I know) and my car broke down. I had already been agitated because when I am around him, I feel this strange energy and when I had to pull over because car refused, I started to cry (worried about money more than anything else). He wanted to try, but I refused because he doesn't have a license, which he didn't like. I said I would call AAA and have them tow us. To make a long story short, he left me there with the car. He said he needed to catch a bus to get home because he had work in the mornings (this was this AFTERNOON!). There would have been plenty of time to get a ride for him. But he said he had to leave. So he left while I was sitting in the car crying. I waited for the tow-truck for two hours and all this because I gave HIM a ride...

But what I really want to share is that for the first time I was aware of this strange energy from him. When I am around him, his is never quite there, either somewhat lethargic or fidgety. He does not take interest in anything I say and he does not really engage with me. Before today I was troubled by him being drunk and getting in trouble, but I now realize how different he is and that the change in energy puzzles me to no end. And with this I don't mean behavior, but just overall energy. It is hard to explain. I feel very cautious and awkward around him. Does that make any sense? As if he is floating in another universe?

It really breaks my heart to realize this. I am still totally floored that he just left me there, but not so much because of the act of leaving me there, but more because of this strange guy who just left who is nothing like the guy I knew.

Now that my car is at the shop, I thought I couldn't go to the gym, but I figured out a way by bus, so I think I will go and swim to relax a little. What a day! But my exam has been confirmed (which means I passed the written test) and I am actually looking forward to preparing - the best distraction.

ItsmeAlice

I get that feeling from my ABF to. I can't put it into words, but it's there. I've noticed it very strongly as I've begun to detach from him. Like a bubble that he's looking out of that changes his view of me.

Just wanted you to know, I can't explain it either.

Good for you getting to the gym depsite your car in the shop!! Nothing stops a woman on a mission to relax.

bookwyrm

Is it a difference in the A or a difference in the way you 'see' him now? Now that he's moved out, I'm beginning to see things in my AH that I hadn't noticed before - he's a completely different person to the one I thought I had lived with. I was so busy trying to see the glimpses of the guy I used to love and cling onto them that I didn't notice who he was now. He's my very own magic eye picture!