Taking Steps to New Life
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
Taking Steps to New Life
I picked an attorney I liked (went with my gut feeling) and I've started moving things secretly out of the house today (most of my stuff from the attic is gone). I've colored my hair and want to get it all cut off next week as I always wanted it short but he liked it longer. Now I'm doing it the way I want too.
My AH is still acting all nicey nicey and did come home a few nights right after work (though has returned to bar after work tonight). He's taking the family out tomorrow night for a family outing too and being all polite and acting depressed and meek and feeling sorry for himself. He always acts this way after he's caught, but this time he knows it's worse. He is still texting OW a lot but doesn't know I can check on that and hasn't made an attempt at counseling as he doesn't think he has a problem still and STILL thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion and that the OW is just a friend (how many have heard THAT before).
Now that I've FINALLY taken concrete steps to get out of this hell I feel a sense of relief.
There is no sadness any longer as I have mourned the loss of the marriage for years. I am afraid that he will give me a hard time after I move out, but that's to be expected from somebody like him. I know it will take a while to settle into and new life. Is there any advice from anyone out there on how to make the transition to a new life easier (though I know it will be tough)?
My AH is still acting all nicey nicey and did come home a few nights right after work (though has returned to bar after work tonight). He's taking the family out tomorrow night for a family outing too and being all polite and acting depressed and meek and feeling sorry for himself. He always acts this way after he's caught, but this time he knows it's worse. He is still texting OW a lot but doesn't know I can check on that and hasn't made an attempt at counseling as he doesn't think he has a problem still and STILL thinks I'm blowing things out of proportion and that the OW is just a friend (how many have heard THAT before).
Now that I've FINALLY taken concrete steps to get out of this hell I feel a sense of relief.
There is no sadness any longer as I have mourned the loss of the marriage for years. I am afraid that he will give me a hard time after I move out, but that's to be expected from somebody like him. I know it will take a while to settle into and new life. Is there any advice from anyone out there on how to make the transition to a new life easier (though I know it will be tough)?
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
I can only speak from the experience I had when I left my exAH. He already was trolling on Internet dating sites for his "soul mate" so my leaving was no big deal.
Well, actually the night I left WAS a big deal, but it was only because he was losing control. He couldn't have cared less that I was walking out the door, but when I stood up and said "enough!" he freaked. I was no longer cowering in a corner and remaining silent. He was watching his victim break free of her shackles and he didn't care for that.
Within two days, I was in court asking a judge for a restraining order. Within a week, the movers were taking my stuff out of the house while he silently stood by. I had a protective order in my pocket. And he wasn't going to do a single thing while I had that.
I lived in a windowless basement that flooded during a particularly wet summer. And it was the pits to leave my beloved cat in that hole in the ground every day when I went to work. But I was free of the maniac.
Three months after moving into the "hole" I found an apartment that a gal wanted to sub-let. And it was definitely above-ground! I had virtually no problem with my exAH bothering me much at all.
He had his drinking buddies. He had his online gf's. He was dating. His life was back in place. And he was rid of me. I'd served my purpose, he'd used me for all he could get, and he moved on. Sociopathic? Yep. But he didn't bother me much and I didn't have the continual begging, text messages, emails, etc.
Besides, the restraining order said he wasn't even to call me on the phone!
I got on with my life and filed for a divorce after a year's separation. He never fought it. Six months before the divorce was final, he already had moved in one of his Internet "soul mates."
If your AH has another woman already in his life, to some degree, you may end up lucky like me and have a minimum amount of hassles.
I wish you the very best!
Well, actually the night I left WAS a big deal, but it was only because he was losing control. He couldn't have cared less that I was walking out the door, but when I stood up and said "enough!" he freaked. I was no longer cowering in a corner and remaining silent. He was watching his victim break free of her shackles and he didn't care for that.
Within two days, I was in court asking a judge for a restraining order. Within a week, the movers were taking my stuff out of the house while he silently stood by. I had a protective order in my pocket. And he wasn't going to do a single thing while I had that.
I lived in a windowless basement that flooded during a particularly wet summer. And it was the pits to leave my beloved cat in that hole in the ground every day when I went to work. But I was free of the maniac.
Three months after moving into the "hole" I found an apartment that a gal wanted to sub-let. And it was definitely above-ground! I had virtually no problem with my exAH bothering me much at all.
He had his drinking buddies. He had his online gf's. He was dating. His life was back in place. And he was rid of me. I'd served my purpose, he'd used me for all he could get, and he moved on. Sociopathic? Yep. But he didn't bother me much and I didn't have the continual begging, text messages, emails, etc.
Besides, the restraining order said he wasn't even to call me on the phone!
I got on with my life and filed for a divorce after a year's separation. He never fought it. Six months before the divorce was final, he already had moved in one of his Internet "soul mates."
If your AH has another woman already in his life, to some degree, you may end up lucky like me and have a minimum amount of hassles.
I wish you the very best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: canada
Posts: 166
For me when I left my AH of 20+ years there was no easy way. I had everything planned out and the actual moving went smoothly. Like you I had been mourning the loss of my marriage for about 18 months.
For the first few days I think I was in "the pink cloud" I was finally free of him, finally free of the chaos. I've maintained no contact with him since I found out that he had girlfriend (less than 2 weeks after I left).
What I wasn't prepared for was the huge shock to my system of feelings, I had been numb for so long I didn't know how to feel anymore. There were lots of feelings that came to the surface, anger, bitterness, huge sense of betrayal. In short I was mourning, real mourning, real gut wrenching fetal position on the floor, keening mourning. It was extremely painful.
I played the blame game, it was all his fault, he did ......... to me, if he wasn't an A or a dry drunk (like the past 3 years) I wouldn't be in this position, if only he had worked his program I wouldn't be in this mess, if he had gotten a job I wouldn't be in this mess, etc etc.
Once I accepted my share of responsibility, once I accepted that he didn't do anything to me - I allowed him to, once I took my focus off him and focused on me that was when I started getting better.
It's 5 months today that I left him and I've had no contact with him. He hasn't tried to contact me either. The last I heard was he was living with his sister in another city.
I still mourn him, I still miss him - the man of my dreams/fantasy. I still love him. I do not obsess about him anymore, I'm not angry or bitter towards him anymore. I've accepted what he is and what I am. I've let go.
I hope he is working a program that will bring him sobriety and happiness. I hope one day he will contact me with a message saying this.
I'm much happier now without all the chaos that living with an A brings. I'm aware of my part in it and work everyday on healing myself.
What has helped me the most has been:
no contact
working my own program
rediscovering my spirituality
yoga
meditation
surrounding myself with supportive friends
reading especially here on SR
journalling
walking with my faithful dog Kingston
acceptance and letting go
my two mantras - the serenity prayer and fake it till you make it
Be prepared for a roller coaster ride, don't be afraid. You have a wonderful life in front of you and you can make it anything you want. Be gentle with yourself. K.
For the first few days I think I was in "the pink cloud" I was finally free of him, finally free of the chaos. I've maintained no contact with him since I found out that he had girlfriend (less than 2 weeks after I left).
What I wasn't prepared for was the huge shock to my system of feelings, I had been numb for so long I didn't know how to feel anymore. There were lots of feelings that came to the surface, anger, bitterness, huge sense of betrayal. In short I was mourning, real mourning, real gut wrenching fetal position on the floor, keening mourning. It was extremely painful.
I played the blame game, it was all his fault, he did ......... to me, if he wasn't an A or a dry drunk (like the past 3 years) I wouldn't be in this position, if only he had worked his program I wouldn't be in this mess, if he had gotten a job I wouldn't be in this mess, etc etc.
Once I accepted my share of responsibility, once I accepted that he didn't do anything to me - I allowed him to, once I took my focus off him and focused on me that was when I started getting better.
It's 5 months today that I left him and I've had no contact with him. He hasn't tried to contact me either. The last I heard was he was living with his sister in another city.
I still mourn him, I still miss him - the man of my dreams/fantasy. I still love him. I do not obsess about him anymore, I'm not angry or bitter towards him anymore. I've accepted what he is and what I am. I've let go.
I hope he is working a program that will bring him sobriety and happiness. I hope one day he will contact me with a message saying this.
I'm much happier now without all the chaos that living with an A brings. I'm aware of my part in it and work everyday on healing myself.
What has helped me the most has been:
no contact
working my own program
rediscovering my spirituality
yoga
meditation
surrounding myself with supportive friends
reading especially here on SR
journalling
walking with my faithful dog Kingston
acceptance and letting go
my two mantras - the serenity prayer and fake it till you make it
Be prepared for a roller coaster ride, don't be afraid. You have a wonderful life in front of you and you can make it anything you want. Be gentle with yourself. K.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Kentucky
Posts: 46
My ex-AH made it v-e-e-r-r-r-y easy for me to leave -- but of course still let me file and force him to move out so he could tell everyone that I wanted the divorce.
He brought a date to our house this past summer. While we were married, I was out of town on a business trip and our teen daughter was home. He'd been having these cell phone and texting "affairs" for maybe 4 or 5 months, then boom -- huge escalation. Once he had the OW over, I found a singles profile for him on a local dating website. He'd have to know he could never outsmart me on tracing his electronic footprint. As far as I can tell maybe 10 or 12 women in a year. Swears he never slept with them but also swore he wasn't drinking. Who knows? The man is a professional liar!
Our divorce was final the first week in Nov and now he's living with a woman -- different one -- still trolling the singles website. This OW is his high school girlfriend, who's called my mother in law and been very overly interested in the state of my marriage for many months, maybe years. I think she heard we were having problems and set out to reel him in. What kind of abuse and self-esteem problems must she have in her history?
I saw him last week, puffy face, a bit confused, very hung over. The new GF just broke up a 15 year relationship with a NON functioning alcoholic. SHEEZ.
So ex tells me he's been out of love for years, tired of being a "kept" man (I was primary wage-earner.) So he's moved into GF's house... kept again right? Anyway I guess she gets the love of her life back and his family can rationalize that somehow "this" is OK since she's former HS GF, rather than some hooker-stripper-stranger like the last one.
So...my amazing in laws have turned into a bunch of professional enablers and my kids get to watch their dad drink himself to death.
What a sick, twisted world. Another casualty of alcoholism. So sad and heart-wrenching.
He brought a date to our house this past summer. While we were married, I was out of town on a business trip and our teen daughter was home. He'd been having these cell phone and texting "affairs" for maybe 4 or 5 months, then boom -- huge escalation. Once he had the OW over, I found a singles profile for him on a local dating website. He'd have to know he could never outsmart me on tracing his electronic footprint. As far as I can tell maybe 10 or 12 women in a year. Swears he never slept with them but also swore he wasn't drinking. Who knows? The man is a professional liar!
Our divorce was final the first week in Nov and now he's living with a woman -- different one -- still trolling the singles website. This OW is his high school girlfriend, who's called my mother in law and been very overly interested in the state of my marriage for many months, maybe years. I think she heard we were having problems and set out to reel him in. What kind of abuse and self-esteem problems must she have in her history?
I saw him last week, puffy face, a bit confused, very hung over. The new GF just broke up a 15 year relationship with a NON functioning alcoholic. SHEEZ.
So ex tells me he's been out of love for years, tired of being a "kept" man (I was primary wage-earner.) So he's moved into GF's house... kept again right? Anyway I guess she gets the love of her life back and his family can rationalize that somehow "this" is OK since she's former HS GF, rather than some hooker-stripper-stranger like the last one.
So...my amazing in laws have turned into a bunch of professional enablers and my kids get to watch their dad drink himself to death.
What a sick, twisted world. Another casualty of alcoholism. So sad and heart-wrenching.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Blondie,
I worked with a counselor during my breakup, seeing him twice a week for a reality check while I worked through un-doing all the years of habits and memories. That helped a ton.
You really have to focus on your support system, and make sure you have people around you who you can call to fulfill the needs in your life -- someone to watch a movie with, someone to hang out with who will listen to you blather when you need to, someone you can take care of, etc. Try to think of all the things you get from him currently (I know...not much!) and find ways to meet all those needs.
I stayed away from negative people and things, stayed away from music and movies and tv shows that triggered bad feelings, and did a lot of journaling to decompress.
I also found a great little place to live that I loved, and made lots of lists of things I wanted to do and be, and scheduled a lot of "me time" to take workshops, exercise, get a massage (physical touch is important!! make sure to build in some of that!!) etc.
It was still hard, but it wasn't anywhere near as hard a transition as I'd thought it would be, because I was DONE, and I'd grieved our relationship already for years, like you.
You're gonna be fine! You can always come here and post and we'll keep you busy
I worked with a counselor during my breakup, seeing him twice a week for a reality check while I worked through un-doing all the years of habits and memories. That helped a ton.
You really have to focus on your support system, and make sure you have people around you who you can call to fulfill the needs in your life -- someone to watch a movie with, someone to hang out with who will listen to you blather when you need to, someone you can take care of, etc. Try to think of all the things you get from him currently (I know...not much!) and find ways to meet all those needs.
I stayed away from negative people and things, stayed away from music and movies and tv shows that triggered bad feelings, and did a lot of journaling to decompress.
I also found a great little place to live that I loved, and made lots of lists of things I wanted to do and be, and scheduled a lot of "me time" to take workshops, exercise, get a massage (physical touch is important!! make sure to build in some of that!!) etc.
It was still hard, but it wasn't anywhere near as hard a transition as I'd thought it would be, because I was DONE, and I'd grieved our relationship already for years, like you.
You're gonna be fine! You can always come here and post and we'll keep you busy
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
When I finally realized that I was miserable and that my marriage was toxic, I started going to Al Anon, started seeing a counselor and decided to work on myself. I made my goal to be happy, healthy and whole. My first goal was NOT to leave him or the marriage (much too scary to consider), but rather to work on myself and let things fall into place. I learned about setting and maintaining boundaries. What I did, I did for me. My self esteem was in the basement, and it took some rebuilding to get "me" back again.
I have to say, my exh was NOT happy with the changes. He didn't have the control over me that he did previously. I didn't buy in to his mood swings, and his incredibly horrible rages no longer had the power to squash me as they did in the past. His rage increased and there were times I was worried for my safety. The counselor helped me develop an emergency plan, and also helped me to see that my situation was becoming even more toxic.
Looking back, I had to do it that way or I wouldn't have been able to see it through. It wasn't all sunshine and roses when I finally had to leave the house and our marriage. I was lonely. Most of our current friends were from our church, and they all "took sides". It wasn't within their belief system for me to file divorce, so I lost those friends ~ took me awhile to realize they really weren't friends at all. However, OLD friends came back into my life. They had distanced themselves when they saw how much I had changed being married to him... many saw and acknowleged the abuse long before I ever realized what was happening. I found activities that I enjoyed, made friends at al anon meetings and learned about my own likes and dislikes in movies, books, etc.
It's not easy, but it was good for me. I broke it down into manageable steps: today I am going to go to a meeting. Today I am going to find a counselor. Get a book from the library about boundaries. etc. I wasn't able to journal because my ex would find it wherever I put it (even in my desk drawer at work) so it wasn't safe for me to do that.
It's a one-day-at-a-time thing, at least for me. I dont' think it's ever wrong to work on getting better and healthier, regardless of where you live or who you live with.
Hugs
I have to say, my exh was NOT happy with the changes. He didn't have the control over me that he did previously. I didn't buy in to his mood swings, and his incredibly horrible rages no longer had the power to squash me as they did in the past. His rage increased and there were times I was worried for my safety. The counselor helped me develop an emergency plan, and also helped me to see that my situation was becoming even more toxic.
Looking back, I had to do it that way or I wouldn't have been able to see it through. It wasn't all sunshine and roses when I finally had to leave the house and our marriage. I was lonely. Most of our current friends were from our church, and they all "took sides". It wasn't within their belief system for me to file divorce, so I lost those friends ~ took me awhile to realize they really weren't friends at all. However, OLD friends came back into my life. They had distanced themselves when they saw how much I had changed being married to him... many saw and acknowleged the abuse long before I ever realized what was happening. I found activities that I enjoyed, made friends at al anon meetings and learned about my own likes and dislikes in movies, books, etc.
It's not easy, but it was good for me. I broke it down into manageable steps: today I am going to go to a meeting. Today I am going to find a counselor. Get a book from the library about boundaries. etc. I wasn't able to journal because my ex would find it wherever I put it (even in my desk drawer at work) so it wasn't safe for me to do that.
It's a one-day-at-a-time thing, at least for me. I dont' think it's ever wrong to work on getting better and healthier, regardless of where you live or who you live with.
Hugs
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