EmJaye

Only been married 1 1/2 years, but I have had it! AH disappears for days at a time every few months, and I just can't do it anymore. How do I make him leave? He is emotionally abusive, and lies all of the time. I can't trust him, and he won't get help. I have let him get away with going to a couple of AA meetings, but he just doesn't get it. You would think that 4 pancreatitis attacks would scare him enough to get help, but it hasn't. He has a real problem and he just doesn't see it. I pray that he will get help before it is too late, but it is just draining being in this relationship. I love him with all of my heart, but today is the nail in the coffin. He has been gone since Monday, "working" as he likes to call it. He was suppose to come home today, and hasn't. My mom was hospitalized again today and he hasn't even responded to my calls or texts to tell him. I have enough to deal with watching my mom die of cancer, I do not need his crap on top of it!!! Any advice is appreciated.

GiveLove

EmJaye,

So sorry you're dealing with all of this; man, a lot on your plate. REALLY sorry to hear about your mom too (I've just lost my mom-in-law to cancer and I know exactly how hard it is) I hope you're getting some support from people in your life other than your husband, because it doesn't sound like he's anything but a drain.

Do you have to rely on HIM to leave? Can you leave? Do you guys have kids?

Hugs,
GL

ToughChoices

Good for you for taking care of yourself, EmJaye.
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate right now.

When I was done living with my husband I asked myself a lot of questions - it pays to be practical.

Do you own your home? Is it in your name? Your husband's? Both?
Do you work? Do you earn enough to support yourself? If not, can you live with family until additional work/income can be arranged?
Do you have your own checking account?
Do you have your own credit card?
Are there any children involved?
Do you have a lawyer?

You can leave. Lots here have - let us help!

-TC

Still Waters

Have you asked him to leave?

EmJaye

We live in an apt at the moment. He owns a home in another city that we were unable to sell due to the economy. Apt in my name, therefore I want him to leave.

No kids, but a dog that I adore. I know, silly but he uses her all of the time to stay. Claims she is his b/c he bought her and she hates him.

I work, and can support myself. So, he will have to find other accomodations unless he wants to kick out his renter, which her lease is up in Feb, so he can have her leave and go back there. Thankful for that.

Latte

If it is in your name only you can get a restraining order I believe. I would call the non emergent number for your police dept and ask them, every time I have asked questions this way the officers have been incredibly helpful.

My thoughts are with you.

ToughChoices

Sounds like the practical aspects shouldn't be that difficult - that's good, the emotional stuff is hard enough to handle!

Call the police, call the lawyer, get your finances ironed out, and tell him you want to split.

Best of luck to you!

timetogo

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this -- It is so hard when you are married. I know what it is like to not know where he is for days on end -- working........... I have kids, a home that will be hard to sell, thousands and thousands of dollars spent on cocaine and booze, don't know if I can support myself, been in it for 20 years now -- I wish I had left after 1 1/2 years! I know exactly what you are saying about your dog -- she is the one that loves me unconditionally and one of the reasons I'm still here (nobody will rent to me if I have animals!) and of all of the things I have (a beautiful house, a good job etc.) she is the one thing that I can't seem to give up. Save yourself -- the people on this site will help you -- they are certainly helping me (I'm trying to get the courage to leave). I'm sure more of them will be along soon.

sailorjohn

Best advice I ever got, just walk away, and don't look back. My thoughts go ou to you.

EmJaye

At odds with myself. He came back, and I told him there were only 2 options, rehab or leave. He said he would go to rehab, we made a few calls, and no one would take him. Made an appt. for the following day, and he said that he needed to go right now or he wouldn't go. He then went to an AA meeting Sunday night.

Monday comes, won't go to the intake meeting for rehab, but will do AA and will do it right, he says. I say that is not good enough, and had to leave on a business trip Monday evening. He called me Monday night and told me he had been to 2 AA meetings, and had picked up a temp sponsor. I got back Tuesday night and he was not home b/c he was at another meeting (another 2 actually)

So, I am proud of him for taking these steps, however it was not what I asked. Am I being too controlling? He is trying here, and I am being a complete b*@ch!

Barbara52

His recovery is his to own and control. Not yours. What you can do is proceed with making your decisions based on what you need and want in your life regardless of what he does. He may be serious. He may not be. But that is out of your control.

ToughChoices

Why did you say "rehab or leave"?

I ask because, I found that my husband was VERY good at testing my boundaries - giving a little - not what I asked but enough to justify an "I'm trying!" comment. Enough to make me doubt myself and question whether my needs were too much.

What will you do if he stops going to AA? If he stops calling his sponsor?
It sounds like a good time to think about what you want your life to look like, and what you are willing to do to get that life.

Take care - I know it's tough.
-TC