Susan67

Well, I am a little confused. I'm practicing everything I've learned from Al-Anon....mainly the fact that I have no control over anyone's life but my own. Which is working out fine for me.
The problem I am having is why does my family think they have the power to control me? My mom,dad,sister,kids,and some friends. Even my alcoholic (recovering 27 years now) father said he would hate to have to dis-own me. Ugh!!!
Hate to disown me because I am choosing to do what I feel I right for ME! I have chosen to work things out with my husband. He's been sober for 5 months....2 1/2 years before that. He's attending AA meetings regularly and is really trying, sure it's only been 2 weeks since he's been really working the program and that is why he isn't coming back home until April-May. We have been spending time together and I feel like a teenager in my own home, meaning "What if we get caught?"
Has anyone had to deal with this? If so, what worked best for you?
Thanks for everything!!

ToughChoices

I've found that almost EVERYONE (especially family members) walks around thinking that they have the ability/right to control other peoples' actions or choices.

Recovery has helped free me from this illusion, but even that involved a lot of kicking and screaming on my part.
It was hard work to let go.
I certainly can't expect other people to just "get it."

My progress does not = progress for other people.

It's an exercise in my recovery to
1.) hear what my family has to say
2.) consider their input (after all, they know me and my situation quite well)
3.) choose the course of action that is best for me
4.) accept that I have NO ability to control their reactions to my choices.

I certainly hope that your father doesn't choose to "disown" you for this choice - but that's HIS choice. You don't get any say in it.

Hugs to you, susan.
-TC

GiveLove

I too think they've seen you in a lot of pain and are far less trusting than you are in your husband's ability to stay sober -- which is a monumental task.

Sometimes, from the viewpoint of a loved one, we want to take abused spouses and yank them away from potentially hurtful situations for their own good....if you care at all about the person, you get frustrated watching someone making the same "mistake" over and over, going back for more pain. Not saying that hyper-protectiveness is right, just that it's natural. Do you understand how this might be happening for your family? Believe it or not, being able to see things from their perspective can help you with these control issues. Having an honest talk with them about your boundaries and what you intend to do to keep them might also help.

But that said, it does not give them the right to control you. Even taking a pessimistic viewpoint, even if this is a mistake on your part, they should not rob you of your right to make it. That's how we grow. Just like alcoholics need to hit bottom, so sometimes do we.

By "disown" does he mean that he will no longer have anything to do with you? Or that he will not contribute financially to your lives any more?