hishummingbird

This is my first post on SR so if what I'm saying doesn't make sense I'm really sorry. I've been trying to find someone that can possibly give me advice or just more information on being in a relationship with a recovering alcholic. I have so many thoughts going through my head right now, so I'll just try and start from the beginning.
I know this is going to sound a little blah, but I met my boyfriend in class. It was both of our first quarters going back to school and we had a class together. After a few weeks of just talking (he told me about his prior addiction to drugs and alcohol) we started dating. I love spending time with him and the feelings are definitly mutual. It just feels like we've known eachother for years when really it's only been months.
I decided that I, myself would quit drinking after he had to leave my house one night after being thier for 5 minutes because he could smell alcohol on me. He said that it physically hurt him and hated that he had to leave. I want to do everything I possibly can to make this easier on him. I don't really know anyone that is an alcoholic (besides me dad, and I rarely have contact with him) I know that I couldn't possibly know all the details of what he has been through with the disease or what he is going through. I just want to better understand it. He has been sober almost year, and from what I can see he is doing great. I know that looks can be decieving and recovery isn't a smooth paved road. He still reguarly attends meeting and is pretty outgoing. There are some days though, where he just gets into this ... funk. I'm pretty sure those are the days when he has cravings to use or drink and I don't know how to act or what to say when he tells me this. He's told me about tons of using dreams that he has had, and when he wakes up after having one he get's into these wierd moods again. I can always tell when he is in one of these moods because he's just... in his own little world. Sometimes they last a few hours, sometimes it's a whole day. The thing that I hate the most about them is that he always appologizes to me when he comes out of it. I hate that he feels guilty for being so strong. Why? After he's been talking about how he used to use or about being in recovery, he always says he's sorry for talking about it so much. If he wants to talk about it, I want to listen.
I think maybe sometimes he just wants me to listen, wants someone he can talk to without the fear of being judged and sometimes I feel like he's wanting me to say something. I hate that I can't offer any advise but In a way I think that's what he wants. I know the only one who can understand an alcoholic, is one.
Another thing that I do but then again don't, understand is that he says he has to think of all the pain he's caused to the people he loves and all the mistakes that he's made while using, so he knows what he'd be loosing if he relapsed. Shouldn't he be thinking of everything he's gaining? When he talks to me about this stuff, the only thing I ever tell him is that I'm here if he needs me, and i'm always here to listen. I don't know what to say and what not to say, so I thought that the truth was the best.
I was on SR last night for about 5 hours just reading other peoples posts and trying to learn as much as I can. This has been the best place that I've seen to find out more information. One pattern that I've noticed when being in a relationship with someone who is recovering, sometimes they don't want to be with thier partner or talk to them at all. So far that hasn't been the case. When he's feeling weird, he always tells me (Most of the time though, I can tell. It's like he slips into a mini depression and you can see the pain in his eyes. It's heartwrenching) No matter his mood, he always wants me there. Is there a reason for this? Does he just want someone there?
One last thing, (before this turns into a novel) that I don't understand, is that his best friend uses and drinks heavily and will do it in front of him, and it doesn't seem to bother him at all. He can sit right beside his buddy while he smokes and drinks without a problem. Shouldn't that be unbarable? Or is his passion to remain sober so strong that it doesn't affect him? His sobriety is the number one thing in his life, and I'm so greatful for that. Without it, there is no possible way that we could ever be together.
I just wish their was a way that he wouldn't feel bad about his mood swings. I knew this wasn't going to be a piece of cake relationship, but it's worth it. He is truly an amazing person so selfless and caring. I just wish he could do what he needs to do take take care of himself, not worry about how it's affecting, and stop saying that he is sorry for the way that his is, because I'm not.

Thank you for everyone who read this.

ToughChoices

Welcome to the forum, hummingbird!
I'm glad that you found us!

I have never been able to make anyone feel anything other than what they feel.
I have never been able to stop anyone from feeling anything.

He owns his feelings. You own yours.

You can tell him that his mood swings don't bother you and there is no need to apologize, but if he still chooses to apologize and feel guilt, then that's his issue.

I'll tell you this: Mood swings and excessive apologies bother me a lot.

-TC

laurie6781

(((((hishummingbird)))))

Welcome to SR. You have found a great place with lots of good Experience, Strength, and Hope free for the taking. Use what you can and leave the rest.

Having been in recovery on both sides of the street for many years now, both sober and clean and working on NOT being a co-dependent, my first inclination is to tell you to RUN FAST AND FURIOUS AWAY.

Well why? you ask. First, he knows that there is an 'unwritten suggestion' that there are NO MAJOR CHANGES IN THE FIRST YEAR, and yes that means getting into or out of a relationship. Second, if he is truly in recovery and you say he attends meetings, there are some steps he has to work, and until these are done with, his moments of peace and serenity can be fleeting.

Third, some alcoholics and/or addicts NEVER get rid of all their baggage and carry it with them the rest of their lives.

I M H O he is PLAYING with his recovery. Best buddy or no best buddy, a person wanting recovery does NOT continue to hang with 'using' buddies.

And yet:

Maybe the smell did bother him, however, this looks a lot more like the start of typical MANIPULATION from an alcoholic and/or addict.

I've got news for you an alcoholic in 'typical mode' drunk or sober or an addict in the same mode high or not, make the greatest Used Care Sales Folks and CAN sell
Freezers to Eskimos that still live in Igloos. We are Master Manipulators, and he my dear has already started with you.

Now to YOU.

That is ENABLING, pure and simple. You start doing that, he will take an inch, than a foot, then a yard, well you get the idea. He will start to manipulate you to make HIS LIFE EASIER. Not a good thing for one in recovery.

Please, go to some Alanon meetings, you say you have an alcoholic father, learn about YOU, how to take care of YOU, how to set boundaries for YOU. Alanon will also help you to figure out why you chose this person. This one is in recovery for now, the next one may not be.

I don't want to sound harsh, but you are truly opening yourself up for a world of headaches and heartaches, with one so new to recovery.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care very much.

Love and hugs,

GiveLove

Hummingbird, I'm glad you found us. Loving an alcoholic, recovering or not, can be quite a rough journey, and I'd encourage you to learn all you can about alcoholism and all of the tribulations it causes for both the addict and non-addict.

I'd also suggest that you might find a lot of good local support from Al-Anon meetings, where you'll meet others who are going through their own experiences with alcoholism. Sometime they can trigger real breakthrough thinking on our part - or at least that was my experience. At the very least, it was great to be able to talk with others who "get it."

Also, the book "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie has been priceless for many of us here who have fallen into the trap of what should I/shouldn't I do FOR THEM? What am I doing wrong? What can I change to make their life easier?...... Obsessing on these thoughts doesn't do anyone any good, and this book really lays out why we do this, and how we can change our patterns in healthy ways.

Wishing you luck

cassandra2

From the outside looking in its almost as if he is feeling moody and depressed around you ON PURPOSE. What do you do when he is depressed? Are you constantly trying to cheer him up? Doing things for him that you think will make him feel better?

Because if that is the case then that is classic manipulation......The next time he is depressed pick up the phone and call a girlfriend and go shopping or go do something.

If someone else is expecting you to make it all better then they arent worth the effort. Try that a few times and I bet you money he will stop being moody around you.

The minute an addict, either clean or sober who isnt seeking recovery, knows what ploy to use with you and get whatever it is that they want they will continue to use that ploy. Most addicts act like children and play the same games kids play. Once you start to figure out the angle that they are using it is much easier to handle the situation.

hishummingbird

I've actually been thinking about trying to find an Al-anon meeting in my area, but now that it's been suggested, I'll start looking now.

I've been trying to find a book that would give me a little more insight, but there are just so many of them that I had no clue what one would be best, so thank you for that as well.


Thank you for the advice! It really means a lot to me that you guys took the time to listen, well in this case read, about my concerns. I'll post with an update after I get some reading done and attend a few meetings.

hishummingbird

Usually if he's moody it happens when he wakes up and he'll let me know. For the most part I'll wait till it passes before I see him again. Very rarely have I really been there when he's like that. And the few times that I have, we'll just lay around a watch a movie or something. Not much conversation happens. I do know what it's like to be manipulated (That was my dads number one thing to do back before I cut him out of my life) and I really do not believe that this is what he is doing to me. I think maybe, if I don't learn a lot more about what I'm getting into, trying to have a relationship with him, it could turn into that. I just feel so uneducated about all of this and it's causing even more anxiety!!

GiveLove

Take a deep breath, take some time, and learn all you can. I found the more I learned, and the more I took care of my own needs instead of obsessing about something I couldn't control (his happiness) the lower my blood pressure went

I live with a man who is occasionally moody - wakes up very down on himself for current or past "mistakes" etc. and can be very quiet, his mind going in loops of self-doubt. I know how this feels. He's not even an alcoholic, but the challenge is the same: it is tough to know how to support him in these times.

We've developed a kind of language that helps me to figure it out, where I can actually come right out and say, gently, "Would it help you most right now if I just listened, or is there something else that might help bring you back to balance?" A lot of tenderness can be communicated by being painfully honest like this - it leaves the responsibility for his wellness in his hands, but takes the guesswork out of things, in our home at least.

Take care of YOU, hummingbird. You're not "his," you're "yours" first and foremost. A wise and strong YOU is good for both of you, regardless of the path his addiction takes.