inahaze

I came home last night from work to find AH drinking, I could tell he had a decent buzz going from his eyes, movement, talk, etc...

He's responsible for taking care of the kids 3 nights a week, 12 days a month from 5-10pm. That's it, otherwise I've generally got them.

I've asked him to not drink when he's home alone with them. I've told him the consequences if something went wrong, he could be arrested, maybe charges of child endangerment, the whold nine yards. He still doesn't listen.

No, he's not drunk because he can easily tolerate 6 beer and many people probably would never know he's been drinking. I know otherwise.

I know every night when I get off work that tonight he may be drinking again. I get sick to my stomach and can feel myself tense up as soon as I pull in the drive, and I pray that he's asleep already so I don't have to deal with him.

The heartache isn't just for me, but for our kids. I know that they love him, my son worships his daddy. I know he loves them, but not as much as not drinking. It breaks my heart.

I know that in a few months my ordeal will change a lot. Time and time again I've proven to myself that things won't change, he won't change. Even if he did change I don't know if I could really let myself be me and love him openly without any inhibitions.

It's a little amazing to me that even though I know for a fact at least one or two nights a week that I work he'll be drinking when I get home. I know he will and yet I can still feel the same disappointment and anxiety every time I see him do it again and again and again.

I guess the realization that I can't change him only me is really sunk in, despite being a little hard to accept. One time I'm excited to leave and another I can't believe I'm leaving. I've done laundry at 3 in the morning so the clothes he wants to wear will be ready, I've gotten him up for work 10 years, I almost came to resent my family because "they were tearing us apart"(his words), I've done all of these things that he wanted me to do. At one point I hit an all time low where I just didn't see the point in going on, thankfully something made me look and see something worth saving...there was an angel there that night for sure.

I've tried changing me for him, changing him for us, changing everything I ever believed in or valued for him and nothing worked. Sure his verbal and physical stuff lessened, but it still shows up from time to time. I never know when.

Even though I'm disappointed again for the kids and me again, I still know I can only change mine and the kids lives and that's what I intend to do. My daughter is old enough she's realizing things she doesn't need to realize. I'm through playing house and going forward for me and my kids. We deserve more than what we're getting and I'm going to fix that!

Spiritual Seeker

I can see you are in pain at witnessing your AH's alcoholism progress.
May your ability to create the change you want for you and your kids become a reality.

cyclelady

((Inahaze)) I know what you are going through, truly, I do and it sux. I hate to be honest with myself but WE continue to put ourselves here,ugh. I guess I hate saying it outloud, but it is the truth. It is that little glimmer of "hope" I still have or could it be that I havent accepted, truly accepted that I AM powerless!!! over his alcoholism!!! I too feel that dissapointment when I look in the trash and see beer bottles in there when he has the kids. That is my thing too is NOT to drink when you have the kids. To see that since he cant have beer in the house he keeps it in his car. I too have let this go on far too long, the verbal abuse and everything. I oh so badly want things to be different, but they just aren't and I'm affraid that they never will until he wants to change. I dont see that happening anytime soon. In the meantime, during active alcoholism, I feel I'm getting crazier and crazier by the moment and I need to help myself and my kids.

I'm sorry for the pain that you are feeling today and the pain that you will probably feel tomorrow, but just know that you are not alone.

You are right, you do deserve better than that!

freeflower

You really deserve better. I know that sick to your stomach feeling. It is dreadful. I go back and remember being in your shoes for years. When I found SR ,I couldn't believe the repeat of my story, over and over again. Years slip by so fast and every reason under the sun comes up and keeps us paralized in a life we don't want to be in. I'm a good one for writing down quotes from people on here. Some really profound things come out of the minds of people who are suffering or in active recovery. The sentence that put the final fire under my butt was, nothing changes if nothing changes.
The last thing I said to my Ah when I leaving was, get ready, because a big change is coming your way, nothing changes if nothing changes and I'm changing it. good bye.
I was ready for it, he of course was not and still hasn't tryed a thing to help himself. Do whats best for you. hugs

Rella927

What a awesome statement as I keep this in my head all the time! Which I actually picked up from SR years ago but, it is stated in my Al-Anon meeting every week!

Only we can change things for ourselves-we make choices that are right for us. It takes time for us to realize this but when we do it is an amazing feeling! The stomach pangs disappear-we wake up happy, we actually hear birds chirping! I was amazed at how many birds I heard when i first started to really take care of me!

Sorry for your pain-Please keep sharing and letting it out-Be gentle on yourself-when we are ready to change and have had enough we do!

Bernadette

I've asked him to not drink when he's home alone with them. I've told him the consequences if something went wrong, he could be arrested, maybe charges of child endangerment, the whold nine yards. He still doesn't listen.


It's not that he doesn't listen.
It's that he is an alcoholic.

An alcoholic cannot control their drinking. It is the nature of the affliction that they will drink when they said they wouldn't, they will drink at the most inappropriate times, they will drink when it will endanger the safety of children and others, and they will drink when it will endanger themselves.

It's what alcoholics do.

Stay in reality.
Keep your children safe.

Good luck and strength to you as you move forward--
(((hugs)))
Peace-
B.

ToughChoices

So you've TOLD him the consequences before.
Sounds like it's time to SHOW him the consequences.

Alcoholics aren't the only ones who are all talk and no action.

Take care of yourself and your kids, inahaze. You can do it.
Hugs to you today. I know it's tough.
-TC

inahaze

It's a harsh reality I'm coming to accept. I'm tired of living like this and while he says he is as well, there's no attempt at doing anything different.

My other place is going to be empty in a few months, it should almost coincide with the end of the kids school year.

I find it amazing at how accepting I became of his behavior and alcohol, but how hard it can be to accept that I now have to change for my and my kids own good.

bodychek

This is another sad example of addiction as a family illness. I remember my ex-wife telling me over and over that the only thing she wanted was for me to want to be with her and the kids. The reality was that even when I was with her and my kids I was preoccupied with thinking about how and when I would get drunk. She would watch as I paced up and down the floor after the kids went to bed, fighting the obsession to go to the bar. I am fortunate that I was lifted from the dark place I was in while my children were 4 and 2. Although my marriage didn't survive, provided I continue to work my program, my children may never have to see me drunk again and I truly cannot think of anything more inportant to me than being with them.

I can't say to cut him any slack nor can you forget how he affects your family, what you can do now is accept that you cannot control the alcoholic nor can you make them change their behavior. You can seek help and continue to heal yourself and your children.

Thank you for your story, it gives me perspective into what my family went through.

penneypoo

Wow, this is exactly how I feel too. It seems so unhealthy but it's a reality. Once I determine whether or not he'll be drinking that night, the tone of the evening is set. I try to do everything I can to not focus on him, but that dissapointment just takes over. I think you've realized what you need to do. I hope it works out for you, and you and your children can find happiness. It's just a little rough getting there. This disease is so sad.

inahaze

In his eyes I'm putting distance between us because I don't love him. That really isn't the case because I know that there is a good man in there. I just can't differentiate between the drinking and non-drinking him.

He may love us, he may want to be with us, but his lack of ability to control his alcohol interferes with absolutely everything. He doesn't control his drinking, it controls him...he has urges to stop at the store and get a 6-pack.

My emotional distance from him is my only way of protecting myself from his rant and ravings. Maybe when we're no longer together he'll be able to straighten himself out, every other time we've split up though he went beserks drinking and pill-popping even more.

I don't drink any more and I don't want to be made to feel badly for not or for feeling badly because he does.

blessed4x

(((inahaze)))....I could write your posts. I used to work one night a week from 6-10. I quit because I came home one night to find Mcdonald's cups on the counter. I knew he had been drinking when I left and my older boys were out of town. He said he had to leave "because they wanted ice cream" and he took them with no car seats. They were about 2 and 3 years old. His judgement was totally impaired and I thank God they were not hurt, but have never left them alone with him again.How sad is that?! I have to be sure one of my older kids are home or I can't leave my children with their own dad.

You are so right in what you are doing, and smart to have a plan. I'm sorry that all of us have to go through this, but I have come to believe that in this life, this is my cross to bear. I am thankful that I was given this opportunity to see what I'm really made of. I'm looking forward to being through with the pain, but trying hard to embrace it and learn from it. I never want to repeat it.

beaglebaby

My kids are 19 and 17. Ex AH didn't drink "in front of them" for several years.

When our marriage went down the tubes -- not only could my daughter show me several of his hiding places but both kids gave examples in past handful of years where ex drove in car with them with open beer between his legs.

My 19 year old son always said "Hey hey throw that out," my daughter usually said nothing.

I was horrified.

Point is that this is a pervasive and all-encompassing disease. It distorts the alcoholic's sense of reality or lets them use their desire to drink to make up new rules. Just having agreement not to drink while he has the kids may not be enough. I am lucky. I thank God every day that my husband never wrecked with kids in car. I guess my kids knew far more than I ever would have guessed. How much sick, twisted denial was I in?

Bernadette

from beaglebaby: It distorts the alcoholic's sense of reality or lets them use their desire to drink to make up new rules.

I guess my kids knew far more than I ever would have guessed. How much sick, twisted denial was I in?

These are spot on.
Thank you!!!!!!
B.