Girlfriend

My AS is in jail right now for his DUI's and when he gets out, he'll be back to square one.

The court system requires him to community service hours, pay fees, do breathilizers and take alcohol classes, but there's no therapy in that.

I've contacted some awesome counselors that are willing to counsel my son and get to the root of the problem. Until that's done,...what's that saying (something like ) "if you never change, you'll never get where you've never gotten".

It's up to my AS to agree to the counseling, I can't force that. But, I'm to the point to where I'm setting my limits and boundaries and telling him that I will no longer pay for his lawyer, fines, fees....etc. that truly is enabling. Why would he have to try harder when all of that is paid for by either myself or his Dad?

He did so well on counseling in the past and I see this as a perfect opportunity.

I've asked his Dad to join on with me on this. To have a family meeting with a counselor and my AS when he's out of jail. To offer counseling to AS and to take him there (because he can't drive..license revoked) and pick him up and that's it.

But, I'm getting hesitation from his Dad. Saying that he has to "pray" about it and talk to AS about it.

1) if he talks to AS about it, AS may run thinking it's an Intervention

2) Why hesitate about offering counseling?

Which leads me to thinking that the Dad wants to continue in the pattern of what's been (and not worked) and not step forward.

This is frustrating to me. I want to help my AS with this, I believe he'll agree to it if it's not presented in a pressured way, he feels no threats and is comfortable with it and willing to do it. But, if his Dad puts any doubt into him about this....that won't help.

So.......what to do?

And, knowing this forum like I do off and on for almost 5 yrs now...I know there's awesome advice out there from all of you!

Hugs and Thank you!

Frustrated Mom

ToughChoices

My desire for control extends well beyond my alcoholic.
And, after much experimentation, I've found that not only am I powerless over the alcohol that someone chooses to consume, I am powerless over the words they choose to say, the religion they choose to practice, or the car they choose to drive.

Ultimately, I am powerless over another human being's choices.

You've spoken to his Dad, explained your reasoning, and said your piece.
For what it's worth, I think your reasoning is sound and your thinking is solid.
Now may be the time to step back and wait - praying for the serenity to accept whatever course is laid out.

We can't make people stop drinking, and we can't make people stop enabling.
I don't know why we can't, just that we can't.

Hugs to you today, girlfriend.
Best of luck to you and your son - what a tough situation!

-TC

Bernadette

I believe he'll agree to it if it's not presented in a pressured way, he feels no threats and is comfortable with it and willing to do it. But, if his Dad puts any doubt into him about this....that won't help.


I'm not sure how I would handle stuff with the Dad but I felt this when I read your post: take a deep, deep breath and try to release any little bit of thinking that you can control people or outcomes. I mean, if Dad is not on board with family counseling - then so be it - it will not make or break your son's recovery and it needn't stop you from having a counseling session with AS if he is up for it right?

Of course you want what is best for your son. But how old is he? If he is an adult then he knows how to ask for help and how to find and accept it when its offered.

Great job on putting a halt to paying lawyers fees, bail etc. It is so hard but it really is important to let consequences land squarely on the A as it may be the only hope of them getting sick and tired enough to reach for and accept help, sobriety, and recovery.

Just don't beat yourself up or get too worked up that if this doesn't go exactly in a certain way it will be the downfall of your AS's recovery... go to counseling, don't go to counseling, dad's on board, dad's not on board, give him a ride, let him take the bus - does not matter - his recovery has to be his own and he will find his way to it this time or soon or, as I've heard said in AA, he may still have some drinking to do.

You didn't cause it.
You can't control it.
You can't cure it.

And I know that hurts.

Have you made use of AlAnon or other counseling? It was impossible for me to learn how to deal with my alcoholic brothers without AlAnon.
Peace-
B.

GiveLove

girlfriend,

I think counseling is a terrific idea, and congrats on deciding to stop enabling...it can be very hard to DO at times but letting them fall is often the thing that creates chances for an addict/alcoholic to seek the help they desperately need.

Good advice above. This jumped out at me from your post:

I think you might be jumping to some conclusions here...why would anyone not want to step forward? There are any number of possible reasons why he might have reacted the way he did (with such hesitation) and the only way to know is to ask him point blank, without assumptions, without judgment. Where do his reservations lie? Does he have another idea he feels might work better? Although it's hard for many people to speak this candidly, I think the effort is worth it if you're to work as a team here.

Take a deep breath, girlfriend. All will be well.

Girlfriend

I knew you all would give me great advice! Thank you

I'd like the counseling for my son because he asked me a couple of months ago to look for a counselor for him and his needing acceptance from others. So, at the time, I did search and found this group of awesome counselors that really wanted to help...would do it on a sliding scale fee or, even if the patient didn't have a job, they'd still work with him.

But, at the time, he was on house arrest at his Dad's and still drinking. So, there was an asking for help and then the alcohol came into play.

He had been in therapy before, about a year ago and really liked it. I could see a big change in him and his confidence. But, the therapy got stopped because of funds in paying the counselors.

So, I'm hoping that he'll agree to counseling now.....all I can do is offer it.

I'm not sure what my ex's hesitation is, but you're absolutely right. IF AS wants the counseling and his Dad doesn't agree with it for some reason...then AS can still go without him. He is old enough, grown adult, to do that.

It just saddens me that he was in house arrest for a month at his Dad's and he still drank. Sometimes, with his Dad. That's what scares me. AS going back into that kind of enabling situation.

All I can do is offer and support and love. And PRAY!! Prayer works.

afiet

Great advice Bernadette! I spent a lot of time trying to get my husband to recognize his problem and go to counseling. He even went a few times and seemed to do well but he never took that next step because he didn't want to do it. A few months ago I drew my boundary and I ended up leaving. This was one of the hardest things that I have ever done but I kept it in my mind that I was doing what was best for me and my kids. I couldn't stand it if something happened to my kids or they were taken away from me. My husband decided to go to rehab and is currently attending. I hope that he has come to the stage in his life where is ready to take the next step, accept responsibilty and put in the work--but that's all I can do. I pray and wait to see the actions. Offering counseling is not a horrible idea but if he doesn't accept or doesn't meet your expectations don't be hard on yourself. Try alanon. It's funny but you can find a lot of comfort from a room full of strangers. Good luck in your journey.

Girlfriend

Hi all!!

My AS is out of jail and back living with his Dad. His Dad is reading the Al ANoN book that I sent to him.

I have a rental condo that I rent out and my tenants are moving out this weekend. So, I asked my AS if he would help me clean it, paint it and I would pay him to do so.

This way, my feeling is that he will work and earn something and that would help motivate him. Jobs are hard to come by now and I need the help.

He owes his Dad ALOT of money, so I suggested that some of the money he earns helping me, goes to his Dad to help start paying him back. I asked him how he felt about that and he said he was for it.

I know that I always get great feedback, support and advice from you all, so......what's your feelings on this?

ToughChoices

Sounds like a plan that will benefit everyone.

I have found that I am free to make suggestions to others, but I must let go of the outcome of those suggestions. It certainly seems like a good plan for your son to use some of his earnings to pay his father back - will you be able to detach from his decision if he chooses not to pay his father?

I would just try to keep in mind that if you give him money (for work or charity) that money is HIS to do with as he sees fit.

Best of luck to you, girlfriend!
-TC

MeHandle

>>This is frustrating to me. I want to help my AS with this, I believe he'll agree to it if it's not presented in a pressured way, he feels no threats and is comfortable with it and willing to do it. But, if his Dad puts any doubt into him about this....that won't help.

So.......what to do?>>

Stop trying to control the outcome? It also appears you are ready to shift guilt to "Dad" if the outcome you believe to be the best in not achieved. See quote above and below.

>>But, I'm getting hesitation from his Dad. Saying that he has to "pray" about it and talk to AS about it.

1) if he talks to AS about it, AS may run thinking it's an Intervention>>

History: Wife of an AH that is getting divorced, but when i was growing up my sister was an active herion addicted and you sound a lot like my mom, who loved her daughter very much, my sister who is 14 years older them me. In my mom's "hope" for my sister she has at times tried to shift guilt to me, it goes like this: " But if you ..... then maybe she...." or " She could if you would....." . The problem is is that this is not a ' actual' child anymore who depends on example, guidance and protection where my action influence and develope who they are. It is an adult who chooses and decides for themselves to interpret the interactions they have with other adults.

MeHandle

OOOPpps. I jumped and see the thread has moved further. I apologize.

But, still think it applies.

Girlfriend

Thank you, TC. And, "yes", I will be able to detach if AS decides not to pay his Dad with the $. It's best for me not to "plan" out my AS's future and decisions, but to offer them..such as this working with me (although, I did ask him not to drink while working with me, otherwise I won't have him help me. I have to set my limits there) and paying him.

His choices are his and he was okay with that when I discussed it with him. He said that he was "uncomfortable" with the fact that I my think that he's a "boozehound" and drinks every day because of me asking him not to drink while working with me. I sincerely don't know his drinking habits or triggers. He says that he has drank 2 times in the last 26 days.

I'm a RA and before I quite drinking 15 years ago, the last two years of my active drinking, I drank 4 times per year on Holidays. My AS says that he's tempted in social gatherings, but that now...he's not choosing to be around that as he works on himself.

I was glad to hear that he recognized his trigger area and that, for now, he's choosing to stay away from that to work on him. I did the same back then and went into counseling for two years to peel the layers of hurt off and to forgive including myself. That took awhile.

I am now able to be in social gatherings and to be able to enjoy myself and know the areas to avoid. For 15 yrs, thank God..it's held. I truly cannot stand the smell of alcohol now.


Thanks, MeHandle, too! Yeah, it has shifted since the thread was first started, but I always appreciate the advice!!