freeflower

I've been out and in my own place for 9 months now. In all the time I've been here my ah has only tryed to talk to me a few times. I know he is heartbroken and it has been super hard for me not to pick up the pieces because that is what I've always done. The few times I have actually seen him, he had either been drinking, reeked of it or was hung over. My girls have gotton drunken, crying phone calls from him and they just cry and feel so sad about this all. Anyways, I have explained to them that i have set boundrys about this. I would never consider talking about getting back with him as he still says he has no problem, he can take it or leave it, his most important thing right now is his elderly dad(whom I love). My hurt over all these wasted years of trying everything with him has left me so cold and confused. I've worked very hard to get to know my self and understand the alcohol and my codependent ways. He has done nothing. Not a thing.
Just a few moments ago I recieved a phone message from our youngest D. She said, mom, this would mean the world to me and dad if you would come over on saturday and spend the day with me and the baby( she is 6 weeks old) and him. And then, you two could maybe go out to eat and see a movie. Dad is going to call you. WHAT? I'm so confused and kind of mad. He must think this is a game. Me trying to play miss single independent woman while he waits for me to fail and come back home. I can't say I love him. I haven't even worn my wediing rings for 3 years. We haven't slept together in years either. I guess I was hoping (of course), that as soon as I left he would seek recovery. He is even trying to drink little bits in front of others to prove he doesn't have a problem.
I really don't like being piut on the spot like this. I know we need to really talk but to put my daughter in the middle of this stinks in my humble opinion.
What do I do? Should I go or should I tell him I will talk but not at amys.
I just started at a gym and have been trying to regroup and start the year off right. I want to feel better and this has made me feel sick.
Some think of me as being selfish but they haven't walked in my shoes or cryed in my pillow or made excuses for him.
Is this going to be a major quaking event??? He has never even said once that he is sorry, never. And never ever has he said he has a problem with A. Last time we talked, he said I have to make all the hard decisions. He said this is all my doings, not his.
Help.

ToughChoices

What do you need to talk about, freeflower?

Did you feel like you needed to talk to him before all the phone calls/manipulations began?

Still Waters

How old is your youngest daughter freeflower?

Barbara52

It is just another wonderful form of manipulation IMO. One I would not buy into. I would tell him his behavior is unacceptable, that I will not condone his manipulation and putting her in the middle by meeting with him. I would send a strong message that I don't play this sort of sick game.

Bernadette

First thing I would do is not reply and go to the gym and work up a good sweat!!

Exercise has been an absolute lifesaver in my life. As many times as I have dreaded and dragged myself out to go running - the actual running, and once I am done make me feel like superwoman!!

You are free to do and say what you please. You don't sound like you will enjoy this little get-together at all, in fact it sounds like it will seriously disrupt your peace of mind. Saying "No, thanks." is not selfish in any way, shape, or form.

I just try to say what I mean but not say it mean.

Peace and prayers for your strength.
B.

freeflower

She's 24. My other girl is 28 and they are about 2 of the best daughters a mother and father could ask for.
TC, I guess I am the one who always did the talking in our home. Especially about his drinking over all our years together. I'm quite sure he never really listened. It tore my heart out to even bring up the subject of his drinking because I didn't want to hurt him. Then, when he really never responded, I started to get angry. Being put second started to not sit well with me. The lack of intimacy and communication really has left me with no love for him. I am the worlds biggest procratinator. Maybe my control issues are what stops me from filing. I'm almost sure he'll recover once we get a divorce and that in it's self will blow my codependent mind. I think deep down I am just so angry that I want him to hurt like I have. How very mature of me right?

freeflower

I'm sure he suggested it. And I am going to see the baby tommorow. Amy and her baby and I are are having a sleep over at my other daughters house. I guess I should talk to him about him calling amy and putting her in the middle of this. Last week he called her all drunk and crying and she just freaked. Than a few nights later, he met both girls for dinner and they thought he finally seemed ok, soooooooooooo now they think one night ok means maybe mom and dad will get back together. I hate this.
Your right anvil.

Still Waters

You might have better luck talking with the girls, rather than him. They're old enough to understand this, and if they aren't active in Al-Anon they would certainly benefit from it.

"Because of his addiction/disease/illness he attempts to manipulate you, and me.."

Rose56

I think you can skip the meeting with your xah. Tell your daughter that you love to see the baby, and ask her to respect what you have decided and what you need in your life. You can acknowledge that your xah may want to get back together, however that is not in your best interest. I understand that you feel bad that your daughters have to deal with your xah, but it is better that they do that honestly than to buy into the thinking that he will be ok if only you go back and take care of him. I am sorry you are going through this.

Daisy30

I agree with SW... Al-anon would be great for them

Seren

Great advice so far. I have to agree that your girls will have to work out their own relationship with their Dad. You should never feel guilty about not wanting to go see a movie or do anything with him even if one of your girls really would like to see that happen. Perhaps talk to them separately about what YOU want for your future.

Good luck! Enjoy the pajama party!!!!
HG

GiveLove

Bless you, freeflower, for all the good work you've done on yourself.

Your girls are adult enough to understand manipulation. Maybe it's time for a conversation with them that covers these:
--Your AH is using them to manipulate your feelings. Make sure they're clear on this. He thinks he can get at you through them, and you'd appreciate it if they would see this and not play into it.
--You love them and the baby but would prefer to see them when AH is not around, as you enjoy your time together more
--You are not interested in "dinner and a movie", not not, not ever, and you'd appreciate it if they wouldn't play matchmaker for you (especially with someone you've made clear you don't want to reconcile with)

I just got back from the rec center and I'm feeling aerobicized and ripped (muscle-wise). You should go sweat this out and then see if any new answers arise! You're on the right track, flower, just stick to your guns.

freeflower

I talked to her. She said she thought maybe we could just be friends....I told her I'm not ready to be friends. It would take away all I've been working towards and put me right back into feeling responsable for him blah blah blah....She was ok with that, i have mentioned al-anon to them but I think they don't think they need it. I tell them everyday something I learn and they are very proud of me..I guess this is really the first time he is going this route so they don't know what to do. Wishful thinking on their part.
I tell them all the time that he would have a lot of work to do if he ever decides he needs to and wants to stop drinking and that I can't be the one to force him or bargin with him.
Give love, I started smoking 2 years ago. I never did this before and it took me awhile to like it...I know..STUPID! I wanted to have a secret like him so I would sneak around and do it. Then I got hooked and moved in here and began smoking like a mad woman. Smoking eating crying...I finally decided enough of that, being a closet smoker is very hard, the smell etc so now i'm trying to get it together. I did sweat my A off today. My oldest D and I go, she of course can run a half marathon where me, well it's going to take a while but it does feel good to know I'm trying.
The Ah just called. I let it ring and he didn't leave a message.
By the way, I do have something I have never discussed on here. It is so painful for me and I don't know how to talk about it for worry of anybody thinking ill of me. Maybe I should start a knew thread..........
Thanks all of you for your help.

GiveLove

(((freeflower)))

hadenoughnow

IMO your ex and your daughters should not be putting you in this position. My 14 year old son would see right through this "setup", your daughters are certainly old enough to understand and refuse to participate in such nonsense.

freeflower

Give love, does that mean WTF?

GiveLove

Freeflower, do you mean this: (((freeflower))) ?

That means this: :ghug3 to Freeflower
(or whoever's inside the brackets)

Or do you mean my screen name? I'm still working on just WTF that means myself.

freeflower

Your screen name means: give hope and hugs and inspiration and guidence and a shoulder to cry on and love. It's perfect.

GiveLove

Thank you -- I'm going to sticky that on my computer's desktop