ToughChoices

Sometimes I get this overwhelming urge to talk to my husband.

I mean talk.
Like, "We need to talk about your drinking."

It feels so pressing when it comes up - a discussion MUST be had, a decision MUST be made.
I want to iron out exactly what is going on, get him to understand (and embrace) my point of view, and determine my course of action for the next 15 years. That's my agenda for our coffee date.

Sounds like fun, right?

I do not talk about alcohol any more.
Now I've also decided that from here on out - until I'm ready to make the earth-shattering D-word decision - I do not talk about moving back in.

There's no point in it.

I know this, but if there's no use discussing these issues (and at this point there isn't), why do I still WANT to talk about them?

I realized today that the discussion feeds my ego - it makes me feel "right" - it reinforces the idea that HE is the one responsible for making all the changes - it distracts me from the reality of my situation TODAY - it gives me the illusion of control.

What a mess.

He's an active alcoholic. Even if he told me EXACTLY what I wanted hear, it wouldn't miraculously produce the behavioral changes that are necessary for me to live peacefully with him.

I'm going to work on letting go of words, stop holding onto promises and listening to sweet nothings. Instead I will focus on enjoying my day-to-day life, until such time as action is required (on my part) to continue that enjoyment.

Thanks for listening.

-TC

Daisy30

I think it is just be the codee in us that wants to do those things.....but it shows how far along you are in your recovery that you can recognize it and then resolve to change it!


thanks for posting this

GiveLove

As usual, TC, I learn so much from you thinking out loud.

Hugs,
GL

ToughChoices

I like that.

I was reading JustMe's post this morning. Her husband wants to get together to talk about their marriage and she was hoping to find a way to help him understand why the situation is intolerable for her. It really got me thinking.

I just have this annoyingly persistent notion that if I can find the right combination of exactly-perfect-words + sweet-genuine-smile + understanding-but-not-too-meek-demeanor AH will at last do as I desire.

And, when I'm talking about change, it keeps me from actually changing.
It tricks me. It makes me feel like I'm doing something constructive and helpful.
In reality it's just me trying to find power where I have none, chasing after control that never was, and never will be mine.

Talk keeps me paralyzed.

Daisy30

Just what I needed to hear.... kinda takes us back to "Step 1"

justaboutus

I do the same thing. I want to talk under the guise of fixing my life and making myself happy (you know... "for me") when it's really just about control... my control of him (or my desire to control him, I think we all know that either I suck at it or it's impossible to do). Where has this "talk" taken me anyway, I've been talking for YEARS. I'm even further down the road than when I began. <speaking to myself here> Duh, Barbie. Give it up.

Another thing is: I want the house with the white picket fence. Why do I think an ALCOHOLIC (of all people) can give that to me? Why am I asking, begging, pleading, demanding for him to give that to me? He can't hold down a job and I want him to give me a white picket fence?! That's insane.