inahaze

I guess he feels the need to withdraw from me.

He can probably feel somethings up, but quite frankly I don't care. He continues to drink despite me saying something and I genuinely tried to be nice in doing so, more of a concerned tone.

Apparantly he doesn't think there was much to my thoughts because if nothing else he's upped his drinking. To me it just shows that he really does't care about me or my thoughts or feelings.

I feel like something needs to be said, but at the same time I know I'm not going to because it simply blows up in my face.

We've split up and I said I'm giving you time to figure things out, not like he ever did. When he's ready and done waiting he says come back or it's over, I'm not waiting forever.

Through our time together I've been bullied long enough that I've just lost feelings for him the way a wife should love a husband. At times I've wanted him to hurt as much as I did.

I managed to emotionally isolated and numb myself that I thought I would never feel anything again, much to my surprise I can still feel. When my dear resident passed last month I cried for several days, when my co-workers joke around at work...I get it and L-A-U-G-H!!!!! He's told me for so long I have no sense of humor and am way to serious, I believed it until I realized otherwise. Me laughing and feeling was a WOW moment.

I think I don't really mind him withdrawing from me. He does his thing, he doesn't ask me along anymore much. We live seperate lives in pretty much every aspect. He's so much as said that if he can't get physically intimate with me at home that he'd get it somewhere else. A man has to have "it' unlike a woman?!?! His sister-in-laws husband moved out to another state for a woman he met online. AH's response, he probably wasn't getting any at home and he had to get it somewhere.

I don't think we'd make even if he never drank another drop. There's so many injustices that have happened that I don't think we could ever make it past them. There's always going to be some sort of barrier between us.

We were done long ago, but neither of us wanted to make it an official, permanent thing. I for some reason needed him and he needed me...probably just to make sure he got out of bed for work. Now, I don't need him so much and he knows it. My going to school scares him to death because once finished I can take care of me and the kids myself quite easily.

So I say let him back away from me, he can do what he needs to do because obviously I was never his first love, his true love and whatever BS he's fed me. I've always been in 2nd place.

GiveLove

You're in first place in your OWN book, haze.

And in ours.

Keep laughing, keep crying, and keep flexing your muscle. He has his choices to make and you have yours, and I daresay your future is much brighter than that of an active alcoholic who will not admit he has a problem.

Some day soon, you may even feel the joy of waking up and feeling great about yourself.
What a rush!

Hugs,
GL

Still Waters

You sound so down inahaze, but step back for a second and take a look at what you wrote. You've made a huge step in your recovery with this, and that's a wonderful thing!

All of us here look forward to the day when laughing and smiling is what happens to you all the time.

prodigal

I start my final course next week in order to get my bachelor's degree in May. I've learned one thing living with my AH: expect the unexpected.

I expected all-out insanity at Christmas. He gave it to me. And quite a performance it was. Fortunately, I spent most of the day and evening alone with him passed out. I suppose his performance zapped all this energy.

I expect some sort of lunacy the day I have the diploma physically in my hands - which won't be until mid-July. In the meantime, I will be working through the U of MD's free employment assistance program.

Yes, haze, you can laugh, cry, and just enjoy being who YOU ARE. He's quacking and making a bunch of noise. And, yes, I assume it's based on the fear of losing you.

My AH is an isolator big-time. He lives on the other side of our house. I stay out of his business, and he generally stays out of mine, except for the Thanksgiving-to-New Year's period of the year. Then I spend HOURS at a local sports bar watching football or browsing at Barnes & Noble.

Keep pressing forward with your education. It's your ticket out.

Daisy30

what a great revolation!
Remember it is just the quacking of an A that says those things they are not true!

Good for you finishing school don't let anything stand in your way!

inahaze

I'm a little down over us, but at the same time I feel a sense of empowerment. My ability to feel real sadness, I accepted it and treasured every minute because it meant I could form meaningful bonds with people. This residents daughter came up to me during the visitation, hugged me and told me how much she and her mother appreciated me. It was really nice.

It's also sad because I don't feel to much for AH and I can remember how much I loved him. It was unbelievable, incredible and warming. Now it feels like an empty void.

GiveLove

During the hardest part of my worst breakup, the thing that kept me going was the thing you just described: Knowing I could still feel. That knowledge down deep that I remembered what love was, I remembered what shape it was and how it felt and smelled and acted.

Maybe the love I was in had withered, but as long as I remembered what I wanted love to look like, I knew it was mine --- that it lived inside ME, like a seed that hasn't died, and I could replant it again somewhere where it could really grow and blossom.

So in the face of being branded inhuman for meeting my own needs, I knew different.

Your residents are SO lucky, inahaze. I hope I have someone as loving as you to take care of me when I'm old & gray.