lancers123

I've read a lot of posts here from a lot of people covering different situations and I am a little sadden that I am not seeing more positive stories from people. I know that there are a lot out there to be read. Maybe I'm lucky that my situation I was in worked out. I know there are people new here that are looking for advice and I know that some are in situations that they should get out of. I would like to give out some advice to some new members that there is hope if you alcoholic is willing to sober up. You do need to take care of yourself first but keep in mind your spouse has an illness. Remember all is not lost. I have been married for 22 years and 15 of it my spouse drank everyday. I was out of love and lost but after my spouse admitted the problem and sobered up I fell in love again with the person I married long ago. Have hope if you are in a situation that can be overcome.

Maybe I'm wrong to post this but I feel that some people need to hear there are some good positive stories out there

LaTeeDa

Once in a while, people post positive stories about the alcoholic in their life finding sobriety and the proverbial "happy ending." Most of the time, it just doesn't turn out that way. I think the number of positive stories on this board probably reflects the overall chance of it turning out that way. If I had to guess, I'd say probably about 5-10 out of 100. Just my opinion.

L

prodigal

Four years ago, we had a member named "Wraybear" whose husband had an accident with their children in the car. He was driving under the influence. One of the children was injured in the accident. At that point, Wraybear decided to leave the marriage.

You might want to look for her old posts on this forum. Eventually, her husband got into A.A. and the last I heard, he was still sober, working his program, and they were reunited.

If you read the old thread by Minnie, you will see that Tazman got sober and was reunited with his family.

It happens, but not that frequently; at least, not from the posts I've read here.

lancers123

You may be right. I was hoping to hear some success stories. I have read so many posts that the person kept being told to leave their spouse. I think it is up to the individual to make up their mind about weather or not they should leave.

I didn't post this to offend anyone but I have read so many posts like that when I thought there was a chance for the individual to recover their marriage and may be swayed by what they read. That's my opinion maybe I'm wrong.

Astro

I think it's great that you posted this, to let people know that there is hope, it's not always a hopeless situation. You were honest in saying "there is hope if your alcoholic is willing to sober up. You do need to take care of yourself first "

I needed to hear a little hope when I sobered up, and I did but by that time it was too late. My ex had moved on in life and fallen for a co-worker, she didn't have any use for me and my addiction anymore. Her addiction of codependency continues to fester, and I've gone on to address my codependency and alcoholism. I guess God did for both of us what we couldn't do for ourselves, maybe?

I held onto hope for a better life in recovery, so I became my own success story. Two years into sobriety I met a great woman who works her own program of recovery in the programs of Al-Anon and CoDA, our recipe for recovery seems to be working out pretty well so far. Recently we were engaged, so I guess we're doing something right

prodigal

I generally don't tell someone posting here, "you MUST leave your spouse," unless there is danger of imminent physical abuse. Physical abuse of any sort is a deal-breaker for me. I was a battered spouse. I told nobody about it. I kept it quiet. And I denied it was all that bad for at least five years. And I was married to a high-functioning A. I never saw him have a drink before 4 p.m. He only got drunk when he was out with his golf buddies.

And it wouldn't have mattered if people had told me to leave. I left when I had finally taken the last beating I was going to take.

Sometimes leaving can take the form of a temporary separation. There are folks on here who are at the I'm-going-crazy hair-pulling stage. In that case, yes, I advise taking a break from the situation.

I will tell people what compelled me to leave, and the circumstances under which I left. Frequently, people will be advised to leave because we have been in their shoes. If the disease is progressing, the house is turning into a lunatic asylum, and children are being impacted negatively by all the chaos, it CAN be better for all concerned to leave.

Waiting for the A to get sober ... it may never happen. It's up to each person to make their own decision. But a lot of people stay in the hopes things will get better and end up with ulcers, migraines, all sorts of health problems and the A is oblivious to reality. The enabler is getting crazier than the addict.

ToughChoices

I'm glad that you've found peace in your relationship, lancer. Sobriety is such a blessing!

I very rarely see posts advising people to leave their partners. I see a lot of "What's best for you?" and "What do you want?" and "What can you do?" posts.

Many people who find their way to SR are at the very end of their rope.
They've tried and hoped and coaxed and prayed for YEARS - at some point it really is helpful to look at your situation honestly and ask, "How likely is it that the A will find recovery soon? How much more of my life am I willing to put on hold waiting for that possibility?"

People do recover. Everyday. There's a forum a few links above this one that stands as testament to that truth.

Thanks for your post!
-TC

freya

A positive story about living with an alcoholic?????? Hmmmmm.....I guess, for me, that would be the story of what got me into Al Anon, which, in turn got me reconnected to a Higher Power and back on a spiritual path....I really don't see how it could get any more positive than that....regardless of what choices the alcoholic makes or doesn't make......

I guess I have a pretty big problem with the implied assumption that somehow, in order for me to have "a positive story" to tell, my A must have gotten sober and we must have remained happily-together-ever-after.....Sorry, but after consulting closely with my HP, I need to report that both S/He and I are quite certain that I am perfectly capable of (not to mention very deserving of) having a positive story and living a good life and being serene and contented regardless of whether my A is drunk, dry, otherwise engaged in addictive behaviors, or totally sober (physically, emotionally and spiritually) and regardless of whether or not I am with my A, living the single life, or with a new partner....

......and, although I personally would love it if all alcoholic's made the choices that would allow them to live in the last option on that list (totally sober), neither my own, nor any other non-alcoholic's, ability to have a "positive story" depends on that -- it depends on our own openness and willingness to seeing and making the choices that allow that to happen for us.

freya

Barbara52

I too view any story where a member improves their life as a positive story.

Sure, its nice to here the few stories where a marriage survives alcoholism or a couple get back together.

But everytime I read about a wife or husband acting in a manner that improves their life and the lives of their children, that is a success story, a positive story that raises my spirits.

Seren

Isn't one of the forum topics about recovery stories? You might want to read some of those about people who were able to recover from their addiction. Each story is as different as the people who experienced them.

HG

Bernadette

It's funny I don't see many posts here where people are telling others to leave their spouses. I see a lot of posts here where people are suggesting the spouse "get out of the situation" they are in. To me, that "situation" is the unhealthy codependent cycle. Often the "situation" involves layers of denial that it is beneficial to strip away so spouses are dealing with reality and not illusion or memory.

I do know people who, without completely destroyng themselves were able to get themselves into recovery from their codependence regardless of whether their spouse continues to drink or finds sobriety. I met those people in AlAnon and they worked their program. Some can do that while living under the same roof- some need to separate - but that doesn't necessarily mean divorce.

I'm glad your AH found sobriety, and you were able to create a new workable marriage. What did you do in those 15 years to cope with his alcoholism while still in the same house? Did you attend AlAnon or have any support. 15 years of daily drinking is an awful looooong time!

I had to learn to have hope but to not get my hopes up or have expectations regarding the alcoholics in my family. That takes a lot of discipline for me.

welcome and glad you're here!

Peace-
B.

equinessa

Hi Lancers 123, I read your post and responses with interest because on the home page of this site there are words that suggest that people recover from alcoholism every day. AA also offers testimonials of countless numbers of people who recover from the disease of alcoholism on a daily basis from the four corners of the globe. Yet if we examine posts here it would seem that the partners of those who recover do not post here, because presumably they are not looking around for solutions and focused on their lives are out there living a life packed to the rafters.

When I read posts that mention "waiting for the A to sober up" it makes me think that that is the exact point of our (enablers/spouses of As) recovery isn't it - to STOP waiting. to STOP watching and wishing and praying and hoping that he/she will do what we and everyone else can see that the A he/she needs to do. But how do we do that in practical terms? I think we just deny it to ourselves at first and fill our lives up with alternative thoughts, actions, take up hobbies, find new jobs, etc. It is a form of denial not a doubt in the world. I think it's called "fake it till you make it". But then as we continue to put the focus on us we find that whether he is sober/drunk or whatever doesn't have quite the impact on us.

I think it is then that we have the opportunity of "moving on". I mean one can move out and even divorce but not move on. Not only with A's but with any marriage or relationship for that matter.

Just my thoughts anyway.

lancers123

When my spouse was drinking I was in denial about the problem for a while. I did have family support. My spouse was a good person during those years... never hit me. I did go through mental abuse but one day I woke up and realized I had a problem at home. It took some time for me to get him to sober up but I knew that it was up to him to do it. I stayed with him to support him and he realized what drinking had done to his family. I know that he was guilty and remorseful. I was not in love with him at one point and could not stand being with him. But I decided to stay with him to see if there was a chance to rekindle any relationship. I made the right decision because he has shown me every day for the past 7 years how much he loves me. He has become a better person since then and I think a better one than when I married him.

embraced2000

lancer, i'm delighted beyond words that your marriage survived alcoholism.

more often than not, it just isn't the case.

and it might help you to remember that those of us that found our way here on this forum have tried for years to hang in......at our own expense.

i, for one, came here because i was about to lose myself totally. i would guess that most of us were at that point.

i'm sure there are forums out there for people whose marriages have survived....i've witnessed many in the rooms of aa....so i know it does happen.

best wishes to you and my most heartfelt congratulatins

Reminder

Hi Lancers:

I just bumped a thread, "Is this controlling behavior", which seems to confirm what you are saying. Thank you for your post. You decide whether the RA here is getting raked over the coals or not. BTW Andrew, I miss your posts. Good Luck to you. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-behavior.html

Peace.

GiveLove

It's interesting that you would post this, lancers123, because we are always careful to listen to what new people here have to say, and give lots of different options to choose from based on what they tell us.

Now take one of our new friends, lost sue, for example.

She came to us because she's suffered through a 21-year marriage, at least half of which has been to an abusive, self-centered man who works all day, drinks all night, abuses her and threatens her verbally, and on and on. She tried to change things but he was having none of it, and she felt she had to back away from the relationship to get a new perspective.

Since he's been sober six whole days doing an "online AA program", he thinks that she's wrong to "turn her back on him". Six whole days should make ten years of abuse vanish like a fog burning off, and she should fly into his arms again.

What's your opinion of that? What did you do to "get your spouse sober" ? How long did it take you to trust him again? Did he go through a 12-step program? Tell us more.

LaTeeDa

My positive story:

I was raised in a home with an alcoholic father, codependent mother. Both my parents were children of alcoholics. Probably their parents, too. When I met my husband, we both drank too much, but we were young and in college and everyone did. We got married, didn't have children for the first four years, continued to party and have a great time together. Then my daughter arrived. Four years later, I had a son. Becoming a mother triggered my sense of responsibility and I "grew up." I didn't want to party all the time anymore. My husband stayed the same. I became a ball and chain to him, and so did our kids. We were his "buzz kill."

Fast forward eight more years, kids now 12 and 8. He is still partying and I am sick of it. Plus I am financially supporting him in addition to doing all the parenting and keeping the household running. He still sees no need to change. So I kicked him out. I didn't like who I had become--angry and resentful--and I had given up on the "fairy tale life" I had been desperately clinging to for too many years.

A few months later, he decides to get sober and we decide to try and reconcile our marriage. It turns out, he never really wanted the stable family life, and I wanted something more meaningful than what society deems everyone should want.

We are now divorced. He is still sober and living the free and independent life he always secretly longed for. I am living in an old house with character (something I always wanted but he didn't) with my two children. We have a more honest and open relationship than we ever did. They are growing spiritually and emotionally in ways that make my heart smile. They have a good relationship with their father, although they know that I am the one they can count on when the chips are down.

The pattern in my family that has gone on for who knows how many generations has been broken. I am the one who had the courage and determination to stop it. I am proud of myself, yet humbled at the same time. I have a man in my life who respects me and loves me for who I am. He is a part of my life, but not my entire life. I see him about once a week and we talk on the phone almost every day. He has a life separate from mine, and I have a life separate from his. We enhance each other's lives without need or dependence. We are great role models for my kids.

My story is not only positive, but a resounding success.

L

ToughChoices

I could not agree more.
Thank you for posting this, LaTeeDa - you made my evening!

-TC

FormerDoormat

I consider myself a success story, and my story a positive one. My boyfriend of 24 years drank himself to death. I stayed by his side for 22 years. Only the last 5 years were miserable. But when it became obvious to me that he had no intention of changing, and the chances were high that my adolescent daughter might find him dead, I ended the relationship.

Today, I live a happy, peaceful life. Positive stories don't always end in the reunification of the drinker and the non drinker. They don't always end up with the drinker finding recovery, either.

Pajarito

My story is also turning out to be a positive one!

I'd been with STBXAH for 18 years. We've been separated for 16 months and are in the process of divorcing. I put up with many years of emotional and verbal abuse as well as emotional- and maybe more- affairs. I struggled for so many years to get him to see the light- get sober, start focusing on our marriage and dd to no avail. 3 years ago I started to go to alanon meetings and started understanding that I had no control over what STBXAH wanted to do. . . but I didn't really get it until he decided he wanted to separate. It was then that I hit bottom and really began a journey of self discovery. I am learning things abut myself that would never have been possible without alcoholism in my life, and for that I am grateful.

I was living a very frustrating, narrow life with STBXAH. I didn't like who he was or who I had become- angry, resentful. . . now I am living life for me. Everyday brings me more understanding and peace. I still have the divorce to deal with, a house to sell, another place to buy, but I am finally feeling free. I love playing with dd and our dog, I do things with friends, and I'm realizing every day that I have a choice to embrace this "gift" STBXAH left me without even knowing he was leaving it for me.