cem001

I don't know if you consider my story a success or not, so here it goes.

Most of you have heard that my husband was in a jet ski accident Memorial Day of 2001. He was not drunk, but I am sure he had enough that he shouldn't have been on one. His father was drunk & wearing no glasses and ran his jet ski onto the back of my husbands and hit him square in the lower back/butt area. At this point we had been married 1 month shy of 14 years. He was always an alcoholic, in which I never denied. It crushed his sacrum, broke his back & many other things. That same year on December 26th we lost his father in a one car accident. Of course this fueled his need for alcohol. He never really needed an excuse. I continued to support, and yes enable him until October of 2004. I had hit my bottom and he was past his.

He went to a therapy session and his theapist explained if you leave this office and get into a car to drive home, I will have you arrested. Of course he was drunk. So he called and we got him into rehab immediatly. They explained that 90 % of the people in the rehab would not make it. He explained to the group he would be in that 10 %.

Has it been hard? YES! But as he embraced his recovery, I did mine. I have learned the difference between enabling him and letting him learn from his own mistakes.

We have now had 4 years of sobriety. All the hard work is paying off, it's a daily struggle. Even now when there is no "relations" going on due to the accident. I struggle each day to not continue to dwell on the past and the disease that consumes him/us. (Notice I wrote consumes, because he'll never be rid of it.)

Are we happy? Much more than before. Are we perfect? If someone tells you their relationship is perfect, I would stay away.

Good luck.

Today I consider myself a success story. But only for today.

Lilyflower

Oh my goodness, talk about flogging a dead horse with a wet fish! Seesh, can we leave our squabbles and differences in the past and not raise them to new members!

What the heck has this comment got to do with the OP?? Stop dragging up the past and lets move on eh?

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

lovtolaff

You know - I have no idea why but when I read this post I felt angry. I'll apologize up front if I offend anyone.

I wanted nothing more than a "happy ending" with my xabf. I enabled him, I detached from him, I prayed, I begged, etc. Anything to get him to see how his drinking was affecting our relationship. I honestly thought that this man was THE ONE and I loved him more than I ever thought I could love someone.

I was with him for 2 years - now I know that that doesn't even compare to the length of time that some here were with their alcoholic. However, I went through the same crazy sh*t that alot of posters here went through - the arguing, the mental anguish, the suspected cheating, the choosing alcohol over me. And you know what? I could NOT wait any longer for him to decide that he indeed had a drinking problem. My health, not to mention my sanity was being put to risk. Yes I loved him but how far does one go for "love"? Why should I even consider wasting YEARS on someone that keeps hurting me and making empty promises?

Like I said, I don't know why this post "triggered" me into anger but boy it did. I was "golden" to him and all it got me was anguish, anxiety, turmoil and the biggest heart break I've EVER known. All of those things and a prescription for Cymbalta. I completely and totally lost myself in that relationship. I hated everyone and everything because I was miserable.

So no - I don't consider our relationship a "happy ending success story" but I do consider my decision to rid myself of him a success story for ME. I learned and am still learning alot about myself and I'm finally finding PEACE in my life and my home. Peace - that evaded me for the 2 years that I was with him.

I'm so glad I found this board - I feel better since getting all that out!!

Still Waters

Amen.

MsPINKAcres

Success stories -

Well I lived one for a while and that counts in my book.

After 10 plus yrs of marriage - my husband went to treatment for his alcohol and drug addiction. He embraced that treatment with a hunger for recovery that I haven't seen in someone in long long time. Then I entered Al-Anon and began my own recovery.

For the next 3 (well almost 3 yrs) We had a Recovery Marriage and Household. It was something that I didn't even know was possible. Was it perfect? No - but it was a great work in learning growing and becoming a recovery family, our 5 daughters regained a sober father and a sane mother.

It was awesome to see our family heal & grow so far spiritually.

But toward the end the disease gradually creep back into his life - a little here and a little there - as I started to notice the old behaviors - it made me focus and dive deep into my own recovery.

For the next 3 yrs, he battled with relapse after relapse - in & out of the program - fighting his disease and his struggle with letting go of that false sense of control. During those 3 yrs, I fought hard to maintain my own recovery program, my sanity and my marriage.

Finally, on Thursday, November 27, 2008 I spent the 1st nite in a tiny little rent house - The disease won the battle. It took from us - our marriage, our 5 daughters don't have a relationship with their dad and my 7 grandchildren miss their PaPa like crazy.

BUT it did not win MY WAR. We did have that success story - for a while - for a moment - for a brief time in space and it was a very special gift.

And then I was also given the gift of recovery to know when it is now my time to have my success story on my own and to allow my AH's Higher Power the ability to try to reach him so that one day he may have his own success story.

For me, I believe success stories are all about in your outlook and attitude -

Somedays, just being able to come on SR and share our e, s, & h makes us a success story.

Wishing you Serenity, Joy & Love,
Rita

GiveLove

Amen, Rita.

queenteree

My AH first got sober in 1989. As Japic05 said about her husband, he had a huge hunger for recovery and made a committment to himself that he was going to do whatever it took to never drink again. And he didn't - for over 15 years. Not one single relapse. We raised the kids in a sober, loving, household, had a beautiful marriage and were deeply in love with each other and life. All that changed about 5 years ago, when he decided it was "his time' and picked up a 12 pack, with the words "if it ever gets out of control, please tell me and I will stop immediately". Needless to say, it's worse now than it's ever been, he's been in and out of rehabs, can't stay sober for more than 2 weeks (then it's 8 week benders, 24/7 beer drinking), I have an order of protection against him, he lost his job of over 23 years, spends money we don't have in bars, and hates me and the kids. But what I do have is me - my recovery. In the past 3 years, I have thrown myself in to the program with the huge hunger for it that AH had years ago. During my first couple of Alanon meetings, I thought they were all "nuts" that just read from a book and then talked about things, strangely unrelated to the alcoholic in their lives. I thought "how can that help someone?' Finally, after about the 8th meeting, there was a woman there who radiated peace and serenity. As she spoke, it hit me. I WANT WHAT SHE HAS! And you know what? We talked after that meeting, I kept coming back, and even though I get down sometimes, I think I'm pretty damn close to what she has in light of still living with my AH (for now), and to me, that's success!

nordicwalker

Maybe I'm wrong to post this but I feel that some people need to hear there are some good positive stories out there[/QUOTE]

I don't see why you should feel it is wrong to say that living with an alcoholic can turn out a certain way,and feel positive about that.
My alcoholic wife has managed after several attempts to be sober now for 3 months and we are now living a period where she feels "reborn" and who knows where that might take us,I' m working on myself counseling etc,and we've talked to the kids (9,13 and 14years old)so they can start to understand what was happening and start to live again as well (I can hear my 9 year old daughter singing in the shower with her mother as I write this that has not happened in this family for many years!).
In our darkest days before we bottomed out and before my wife of 16 years found the strength and support to stop,I would really liked to have seen all the posible outcomes that our situation had to offer,"good"" or "bad" depending on your hopes and fears,
Thanks for your post,
N.Walker

Lilyflower

It is a shame there are not more posts of the folks who's partner found sobriety.

I generally think that it is down to either
- they never find SR because life to them is on the mend and they have no need to reach out, not being at their wits end like most who arrive here
- they stop posting so much for support (which this forum mainly offers) once their A is in recovery.

Which tends to leave the big proportion of posts on F&F from folks who really need support and encouragement as they struggle to get through the days with an active A. JMO.

Add that to the fact that to recover from an addiction is actually a minority (look up the stats yourself it is a fact) and hey presto, you have SR.

However I still see lots of success for the members here, this is by a long mile a very positive and inspirational place, for a vast number of people posting and not posting.

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Reminder

Hi Lilyflower:


The Al-anon meeting that I go to is a stag meeting. I would say that 80% of the men there are still married to the RA's in their lives. I can't help but think that the family dynamic is very much different when the wife is afflicted with alcoholism rather than the husband. Right or wrong, many families are traditional, and so it certainly appears as though alcoholism affects families differently, depending upon which family member is afflicted.

Peace.

hadenoughnow

For the most part by the time someone posts here looking for help they are near the end of their rope. I know I was and can see it in many of the posts daily. I wish someone, anyone in real life had told me "It's ok to leave, he's an addict". Only here did I find hope and understanding and see examples of how much better my life could be.

I am no longer married to a man who drank every day, played mind games, used me and robbed his son of huge portions of his childhood. My story is no less of a success than that of one who stays with an A who finds recovery.

drained22

if we had positive stories about living with alcoholics we wouldnt be here..sarcasm..

redhot78

I love this forum! It's passages like the one above that make me laugh through the tears at how similiar our lives are when we love an alcoholic. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face, I need it.

redhot78

My xah is terminally ill with cirrhosis, I divorced him after 23 years of marriage because I was losing MY mind living with his insanity. I guess there's no hope for him at this point. Our son is now 23 and is following in his daddy's footsteps. Watching what he's doing to his life (all of the usual drunken crap, and now he's destroying his recent marriage and abandoning his infant son) is the most painful thing I've ever gone through. I love my xah, but this is my precious son, I can't stand the thought of his never recovering from this disease. He desperately needs recovery and psychological help, but refuses to get it, and as you all know, there's nothing I can do. To me, there's just something very different when the addict is your child. All of his life I have loved him and been there for him, doing everything I could to raise him to have a good life. I am terrified of losing him, but I have to step back and not "save" him from his actions. Maybe falling on his face will finally make him wake up before it's too late.

I have to hold on to the hope that he WILL recover or I don't think I can stand the pain.

Lilyflower

I think this touches on a whole other issue, the one of how men and women differ in their approach to life, emotions etc etc. Now that one could go on and on and on... so I won't even broach that! It has been an ongoing discussion for many many years and so I don't see us resolving it here in a few posts! Lol!

Interesting though that you see many men still with their AW, and that the majority of posters here looking for support are women

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

ajangels2

Well, my husband does not have recovery in his life at this time. He has tried AA several times and right now he just doesn't want to have anything to do with it. Having said that... I do have recovery in my life. Finding Al Anon was the best thing that I could've done for me and my three young boys. Even though AH/Daddy is not the happiest person in the home we have happy times, we have peace, we have stability. It's because of this program that I'm not a basket case everyday. I have my bad days like everyone else, but it's nothing like it used to be.

I am able to enjoy my AH when he is in a good mood and willing to participate in the family stuff of life, we go out like regular couples and I have learned to let go when it comes to who he is and of course the disease. I understand now that he's going to drink and he is the one who has to deal with the hangover and the other consequences it brings. It does get me down some days... I do wish and long for a recovery family, but in reality I think on the slogan "Let It Begin With Me". Because I have chosen a recovery path that has given way to my children having a life of recovery tools offered to them. Just today in the car on the way to school the boys were arguing over something that happened/ or didn't happen at summer camp last summer and finally I had to voice over them and say "hey guys how important is this that you have to argue about it the first thing in the morning?" Is it really worth starting your day on a bad note? It's the tools of the program that allow us to live life in recovery. Not sure what the future holds..not sure if we'll all stay together or if I will choose to leave my AH because of the disease. It's all possible, but either way we will have this program and the peace and serenity of our HP to guide us each day.

Thanks for posting this.
Peace to all,
AJ

GiveLove

AJ, what a wonderful post.

Bjen

Does the story count if you don't live with them anymore?

The best way I knew how to show him I loved him was to leave him alone. So I told him that and that I would love him til I die. He went his way, I went mine. His daughter lives with me, his mom sends me a note now and then that she still loves me. He is 2 years sober, he has a new girlfriend, he is happy as far as I have heard.

I am content. I feel strong, I got my house fixed up, I put a little money away, I do for myself and my "kinda kid". My life is simple, easy and relaxed.

He is a phone call away as I am from him. But we don't call. We don't hate, we aren't angry anymore.

I think that is a happy ending. Maybe not what I wanted a long time ago but I think that's a blessing.....

Jsmile

Hello all,

Well, this is by no means a happy ending but hopefully a happy beginning.

When last I posted my wife had had another a night of drinking which ended in another argument. The next morning after taking the kids to school I went upstairs to where she lay in bed watching TV and I sat with her. By coincidence the programme on TV had a character dealing with a drink problem and as the character admits to her on screen husband that she needs help I broke down. Tears flowed and I laid it all on the line i.e. we are in trouble and if something doesn't change we won't last out the year.

She admitted that she had been considering AA and would do her best to try and get on top of this. As we all know, words can be uttered with the best of intentions, actions are what count.

Anyhow, the next time I open the fridge I spot that there are a few bottles of beer and a slug of wine left after the last episode. And so the question is do I throw it out removing the temptation, use controlling behaviour that I'm uncomfortable with and risk any future drinking now taking place in secret or do I leave them where they are and let her take the responsibility as to what happens next. True is I want them out of the house but I decide to leave them where they are.

Seven days pass and she hasn't had a drink, but today I get back home and immediatly I can tell she's had a drink. It's not much, a small glass of the wine maybe, barely anything really but I can tell it's there. I say nothing but brace myself.

Two hours later I come downstairs and as I get to the kitchen I hear the hiss of a beer bottle popping open and my heart sinks. But as I look up I catch her with all the alcohol next to the sink and she's systematically pouring each bottle down the sink.

I know that this is only the tip of the tip of the iceberg, trust me I'm well aware that this act is but a drop in the ocean and that we have a long and arduous journey ahead of us, but in 15 years I've never seen her do anything like this and in that moment I was so utterly proud of her it makes my heart sing when I think about it.

Each journey starts with the first step and so whilst I don't necessarily have a happy ending to offer today I hope I will in the years to come.

Still Waters

That's great news Jsmile