Too Good to Be True?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: michigan
Posts: 30
Too Good to Be True?
Hello everyone, It's me again! I'm taking a break from my emotional roller coaster right now. So I thought I would write.
This is my new scenario:
Husband wants to reconcile. He's going to AA meetings, I didn't think he was working the program but he is.
He's been sober 6 months. Before that it was 2 1/2 years.
I asked him to leave, turned around and asked him to come home 38 days later, the very next day asked him to leave again.
He still wants to reconcile. I'm torn.....again.
I love him, feel he is sincere about his recovery and really want my husband back.
My family thinks he is a loser and thinks I can do so much better. His family is hoping and praying we work it out. Encouraging him every step of the way to go to AA and stay sober.
So, now it feels like it doesn't even matter what is important to me. Now my family is controlling me.
I would take him back in a minute but my mom, dad, sister and even my kids (from previous marriage ages 23 & 14) They say they will disown me if I get back together with him.
What do I do now?
This is my new scenario:
Husband wants to reconcile. He's going to AA meetings, I didn't think he was working the program but he is.
He's been sober 6 months. Before that it was 2 1/2 years.
I asked him to leave, turned around and asked him to come home 38 days later, the very next day asked him to leave again.
He still wants to reconcile. I'm torn.....again.
I love him, feel he is sincere about his recovery and really want my husband back.
My family thinks he is a loser and thinks I can do so much better. His family is hoping and praying we work it out. Encouraging him every step of the way to go to AA and stay sober.
So, now it feels like it doesn't even matter what is important to me. Now my family is controlling me.
I would take him back in a minute but my mom, dad, sister and even my kids (from previous marriage ages 23 & 14) They say they will disown me if I get back together with him.
What do I do now?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
What do you want? That is the only important question. Ignore ANYONE else's comment and figure out what YOU want.
If you want to get back together do so as long as it is with open eyes.
If you want more time apart, do so and know that saying No is a complete sentence.
If you want to get back together do so as long as it is with open eyes.
If you want more time apart, do so and know that saying No is a complete sentence.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Well, as someone who reconciled with my husband after his return from rehab (amid promises of change, active participation in meetings, etc...), only to find myself moving out 6 months later after REPEATED relapses, I would say - make a plan.
I love my husband. I missed him when we were living apart. I wanted him to come home.
So he came home.
And things were really good for a while.
Then one day he skipped work, sat in his truck in a church parking lot, and drank all day long.
Then he did it again.
And again.
I was miserable there for a while. Trying to figure out what I should do - where I should go - and worrying about what everyone would think if I made him leave after taking him back. I felt like a fool, and I worried that I had alienated my friends and family.
I've been living on my own now since last September.
It was the right choice for me.
In retrospect, it might have been easier if I had waited until he had more clean time before letting him move back.
There's no reason you can't see him, date him, even sleep over, if you so desire - you don't have to live with him to enjoy his company. If he's recovering and feeling good you guys have a shot - that's great!
Just think about your boundaries.
What will you do if he starts drinking again while he's living with you?
What will you do if he stops going to meetings?
Take care.
-TC
I love my husband. I missed him when we were living apart. I wanted him to come home.
So he came home.
And things were really good for a while.
Then one day he skipped work, sat in his truck in a church parking lot, and drank all day long.
Then he did it again.
And again.
I was miserable there for a while. Trying to figure out what I should do - where I should go - and worrying about what everyone would think if I made him leave after taking him back. I felt like a fool, and I worried that I had alienated my friends and family.
I've been living on my own now since last September.
It was the right choice for me.
In retrospect, it might have been easier if I had waited until he had more clean time before letting him move back.
There's no reason you can't see him, date him, even sleep over, if you so desire - you don't have to live with him to enjoy his company. If he's recovering and feeling good you guys have a shot - that's great!
Just think about your boundaries.
What will you do if he starts drinking again while he's living with you?
What will you do if he stops going to meetings?
Take care.
-TC
Finding Me Again
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Panama City Florida
Posts: 38
Pray for God to still your heart. To stand still for a little while. I am praying for you as I know how you feel. One minute at a time. Noone could ever tell you what the right thing to do is, just know we are there with you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: michigan
Posts: 30
I am so grateful for this site, every one of you has been so supportive!! I shared with him that I can't have him come home until I feel completely healed of my emotional wounds. With the grace of God, Alanon and this website I will be OK!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Susan, this stuck out of ToughChoices' post for me:
Would you be willing to work on your recovery a little while longer to allow this to happen?
I know your history with your husband hasn't always been a good one, and this is where your family is coming from. Bear in mind I'm a pretty independent type who tends to get very angry when my family tries to interfere in my life BUT...I always have to admit there's a kernel of truth to the things they say.
You think you're between a rock and a hard place...but maybe having a plan about how much clean time he has, how much inner work you want to accomplish, how many Al-Anon meetings for YOU.....maybe having a plan can allow you to have more confidence that whatever decision you take is yours, and you feel good about it
And by the way, when I'm getting pressure from both sides, I tend to stop talking to both, to stop them from tearing me apart like a rag doll. Consider that for your own sanity, you may want to take a break from talking about this while you work on yourself. As for what to tell them both, I think that "I'm working on myself right now and I don't need any more input" is plenty.
Hugs,
GL
In retrospect, it might have been easier if I had waited until he had more clean time before letting him move back.
I know your history with your husband hasn't always been a good one, and this is where your family is coming from. Bear in mind I'm a pretty independent type who tends to get very angry when my family tries to interfere in my life BUT...I always have to admit there's a kernel of truth to the things they say.
You think you're between a rock and a hard place...but maybe having a plan about how much clean time he has, how much inner work you want to accomplish, how many Al-Anon meetings for YOU.....maybe having a plan can allow you to have more confidence that whatever decision you take is yours, and you feel good about it
And by the way, when I'm getting pressure from both sides, I tend to stop talking to both, to stop them from tearing me apart like a rag doll. Consider that for your own sanity, you may want to take a break from talking about this while you work on yourself. As for what to tell them both, I think that "I'm working on myself right now and I don't need any more input" is plenty.
Hugs,
GL
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
I wish I had stood my ground, and not let my AH come home when he did. Actually, I didn't ever tell him to come home, or that it was okay if he did - he just chose to hear what he wanted to hear and came home. I figured he'd come home eventually anyway, so what the hey.
I don't know if it would have made any difference, he was already in dry drunk mode then - knowing a whole lot about what everyone else in the Oxford house should do for their sobriety, talking the talk, but not walking the walk so to speak.
I don't know if it would have made any difference, he was already in dry drunk mode then - knowing a whole lot about what everyone else in the Oxford house should do for their sobriety, talking the talk, but not walking the walk so to speak.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: michigan
Posts: 30
You think you're between a rock and a hard place...but maybe having a plan about how much clean time he has, how much inner work you want to accomplish, how many Al-Anon meetings for YOU.....maybe having a plan can allow you to have more confidence that whatever decision you take is yours, and you feel good about it
I definatly agree with you! I made a list of what is important to me and also have a plan for the "what ifs" He isn't coming home right away, I told him it wouldn't be until at least April-May. I told him I jumped into this marriage feet first and I NEED to take it slow.
He told me to take all the time I need. So, I am taking as much time as I need. This will show me too, if he's serious and will really wait for me.
I definatly agree with you! I made a list of what is important to me and also have a plan for the "what ifs" He isn't coming home right away, I told him it wouldn't be until at least April-May. I told him I jumped into this marriage feet first and I NEED to take it slow.
He told me to take all the time I need. So, I am taking as much time as I need. This will show me too, if he's serious and will really wait for me.
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well as asked above, What Do YOU want? That is all that matters.
However, there are some OTHER THINGS TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION before making your decision.
First, I would wait a year, let his ACTIONS, not his WORDS be your guide. You said you didn't think he was working a program, so obviously his actions have not yet changed. That is a RED FLAG.
You, DO NOT have to make a decision today. You have the choice and THE RIGHT to say let's wait, let's see how you do in YOUR RECOVERY and how I do in MY RECOVERY.
Leaves the door open, but makes no commitment either way. Keep contact to a MINIMUM and sit back, work on YOU and just WATCH. Forget the words, that is just QUACKING. See what he does, to work on him and change his OLD BEHAVIORS. That will be your true indicator.
And of course, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing. We are here for you and we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
However, there are some OTHER THINGS TO TAKE INTO CONSIDERATION before making your decision.
First, I would wait a year, let his ACTIONS, not his WORDS be your guide. You said you didn't think he was working a program, so obviously his actions have not yet changed. That is a RED FLAG.
You, DO NOT have to make a decision today. You have the choice and THE RIGHT to say let's wait, let's see how you do in YOUR RECOVERY and how I do in MY RECOVERY.
Leaves the door open, but makes no commitment either way. Keep contact to a MINIMUM and sit back, work on YOU and just WATCH. Forget the words, that is just QUACKING. See what he does, to work on him and change his OLD BEHAVIORS. That will be your true indicator.
And of course, keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing. We are here for you and we do care very much.
Love and hugs,
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