Blondie

Haven't been here for a while as my stepfather took a turn for the worse and I had to help take care of him as his dementia became worse and he couldn't walk (to much for my 70 year old mother). We finally got him into a Hospice, but he died within six hours of being there. I miss him very much. So everything was on the backburner, until now. Update:

I finally confronted my AH. I now know that the male friend's house that he flopped at and "played cards" all night belongs to his single insurance agent. And it is her house that he has been fixing up. I told him everything I knew and he acted like he was all innocent with "I only slept on her couch". Hello????? I told him that she can have him, but he said he loved me (bull) and didn't want a divorce (but I do). He refuses to show me his credit card statements (spending more then $1000 a month at bar???? or buying her stuff??? And that's the amount I know about) and I wonder what else he bought her besides drinks. I haven't slept with him in two nights. He continues to text her and stands by the story that he slept on her couch and refuses marriage counseling and says we need to communicate more (he talks and I listen and comply is his definition). I told him he was a sick man and I've had enough. I've actually yelled at him (something I never did) and shake with anger. I'm a nervous wreak because I had to take care of a funeral and make other arrangements while knowing all of this. And it makes me sick that he is so smug and arrogant and ticked off that I confronted him. I can't believe that I've been shopping for cloths at the Salvation Army, clipping coupons, lugging our garbage, etc, etc, etc, just so he can be Mr. Goodtime and buy drinks for HER (he says it was all for him, bull). He even went so far as to get money out of the kid's bank accounts to pay for their Christmas gifts (said it was HIS money anyway). And the furniture he bought from an old couple belonged to HER parents!!!

Did my talking to him about all of this keep him from her and the bar: You all can guess the answer is no. He was out again the first chance he could get.

Part of me says what if he is telling the truth about not sleeping with her? There was another couple there, but they probably left after the cards (lie here too?) But it is obvious (he says he can talk to her and not me) he is having an emotional affair with her AT LEAST. Oh, and he met her at the bar and she is a heavy drinker too. They deserve each other. I guess I have a lot of stuff to take to the lawyer now. I know that he can get the cell phone records and bank account info etc, etc. I have enough for a retainer now and with my mother's help I can get by and will make an appointment to see the lawyer. Things will move fast then because now I have a concrete place to go. I've told the kids and they are actually glad and the oldest one knew something was going on (AH shows my ten year old a photo of his bartender he entered into the hottest bartender contest).

Lilyflower

My condolences about your stepdad, and it sucks that you are having to deal with the possibility of an affair too on top of all this.

Generally though, if you suspect it, that is enough. As you say, it is an emotional affair at the LEAST. I found with my abf, that once the trust was gone between us, there really was nothing left. I doubted everything he said.

He too received phone calls from a woman he met in a bar. He came up with stories about why he would call her and she call him, load of BS. I answered his phone one night when he was passed out and gave her a piece of my mind.

Good luck with lawyers etc,

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

dazednconfuzed

So sorry for your loss. I lost my father 2 years ago and understand what that's like when you have no support from the A (much less knowing that they've been cheating while you've been busy trying to help someone in the final stages of their life).

Shortly after my father passed, AH was raging at me about something while I was still grieving, and I just blurted out 'I just lost my father and I'll have NO problem losing you!' I realized in that moment the difference between losing someone I loved with all my heart, and losing someone who I'd chosen to be with who had caused me SO much heartache. It was a defining moment for me.

I'm sorry you have to be going through this. I hope you make a swifter decision toward 'eliminating the problem' than I have.

Bernadette

(((((blondie)))))
so sorry about your stepfather...

what big changes going on for you- physically and mentally- it sounds like you are in good forward motion though-
sending you a prayer for strength in the days ahead!
peace-
B.

Barbara52

My condolences on your loss. {hugs}

Blondie

Thank you for the condolences. He was more of a father to me then my biological father (who I hardly ever saw) and I knew him for 29 years. He called me his daughter and he was my dad.

There are things that I will never be able to forgive my AH for and one is for singing "Die MF (said the whole thing not initials) Die" about my stepfather about a month ago. To me, that's not forgiveable, and he was sober at the time too. He hated my stepfather because my stepfather confronted him with the truth about his drinking and how it is effecting me and the kids. I did not let my AH go to the funeral and had him stay home and watch the kids.

Yes, I know what it means to loose it. When I got home from the funeral my AH tried to hug me and I lost it and let ALL of the truth come out. I didn't want his fake sorry and I love you crap. He just sat there emotionless and smoked a cigerette and said calmly "at least we're talking now." He blames me for all of our problems because he couldn't talk to me and I wouldn't talk to him. Heck, he's drunk at least five to six days a week and napping most of the other. I always listen to his drunkin ramblings until he falls asleep in the chair. To him, THAT's communication.

Thanks for the wish for good luck at the lawyers. I'm one person that hates change, but I can't avoid it any longer. My stomachs in knots. So far, this is the worse time I've ever had in my life and I have so many emotions right now. Please, please pray for me.

Lilyflower

(((((Blondie))))) how awful! That is an unforgivable act, it truely is, how unfeeling can a person be? It amazes me still despite all I've read and experienced. You deserve so much more than THAT, never mind all the other things,

Onward and upward for you sweets, you have my prayers and my love

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Blondie

Just made the call and I have an appointment with the lawyers on Thursday. I hope he doesn't contest it because that costs way more money.

I'm finally climbing out of the hole!!! Thank you all for being there!!!

Freedom1990

:ghug2 :ghug2 :ghug2

GiveLove

Blondie,

I'm so sorry to hear about your stepdad. I know how you felt about him. I've been following your story for a long time, all the horrible disrespect and bad treatment and abuse, and so please forgive me for being so bold as to say,

I'm so glad you're finally kicking this loser to the curb, I could do a little dance right here and now. In fact I will. [GL dances a little circle around the office and sits down again ]

But being a calm, detached recovery type, I can't say that sort of thing. Good luck at the lawyers - take no prisoners.

Big hugs
GL

Still Waters

Sorry for your lose Blondie, I lost my step-Dad two years ago now, and still miss him terribly.

Hang in there and stand tall, you deserve so much better.

Blondie

Now he's doing the begging and the give me one more chance garbage. He even wants ME to make an appointment for him with a counselor. I told him that that is HIS responsibility and his recovery is HIS responsibility. I've read so many stories on here that I know there is little hope of him doing anything and he is just doing this to buy time. He doesn't have it. I am still going Thursday and will not back down. I have the resources now.

He told me that he did not want me to see his credit card statements because I would question some of the items on there from when he took his friends out to eat. I can't believe he expects me to buy that one. He's maxed out every card in his name and the one joint one.

GiveLove

Take a deep breath, and visualize waking up one day soon to a life without lies.

Where everything really IS as it appears to be, and you feel great about yourself and your life.

That's really how things can be for you, with just a couple of minor adjustments to your life, and by turning the focus on you.

Crazy, huh?

embraced2000

(((((blondie))))))

my sincerest condolences for the loss of your beloved step-father. i too, had a step-father that was the hero of my life.

for your hubs....if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck......well, it's probably a duck.

best wishes on moving onward and upward. who needs this kind of chit in their lives?

Jazzman

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.....

blessed4x

((((blondie)))).....my father was laid to rest today. My AH threw a big fit and slammed doors because I wasn't affectionate enough with him when he decided to get in the shower with me this morning. However, he was supportive at the services and dinner afterward. But I, too, will have to face the inevitable soon.

Alcoholism sux, cancer sux, divorce sux, but my future is looking bright, and your's is too. Condolences. You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Blondie

Sorry for your loss too blessed4x. I know the stress and sadness you are feeling is overwhelming. I know we can get through this and in the end it will be well worth it.