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Old 08-01-2003, 08:31 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Men married to alcoholics

Are there any men out there married to alcoholics?! I know I'm not the only one. Maybe I'm the only one trying to work through the problem. I've read all I can find and it seems that men are not very patient and only 1/10 try to hold on. I've been married for two decades and I'm not ready to give up, but I don't have to tell any of you how bad it can be. I started to notice about 5 years ago and the last year has been the worst. I think I've been through all the emotions from feeling somehow I'm responsible to trying to confront and control to finally converging on a place where I understand. It wasn't that long ago I gave up looking for the ubiquitous wine bottles. I understand that I have no control over her drinking and talking about it only makes it worse. I understand that my only choice is to live my life with decisions that are best for me. It's so counter-intuitive to think the answer is to pretend the drinking doesn't occur. I have no allies, no one to talk to but all of you. The things I read here do help. Thanks.
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Old 08-01-2003, 09:20 PM   #2 (permalink)
Morning Glory

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Welcome Firefighter,

There are some men who post here. Make yourself at home with us. It does help to know there are others going through the same thing. I don't pretend my son doesn't drink, but I've learned to focus on other things and set boundaries for myself. I will always love my son and he will be in my life always. I have to learn to cope or go nuts.

I've learned a lot here and it's good to know that I can come here and talk it through when I hit a crisis which is usually life or death.

It's not easy and we don't pretend it's not there. (Well, maybe sometimes I do). We learn to react differently I guess and work it through so we can make decisions that benefit us and all concerned.

Make yourself at home.
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Old 08-02-2003, 10:48 AM   #3 (permalink)
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I dont know about that pretending thing. I did that alot... I think it is moer denial than anything... I pretended, ignored and denied AH problem for a long time because to say anything to him only made matters worse. I did however get alot more results with him when I stopped letting it be his problem and made it mine. What I mean by that is I came here and read and started to get stong for me. If he was going to drink that would be his problem. I set my boundaries and did my best to detach from each and every incident. That is HARD! SO many times he was at his "friends" house pounding down the beers late at night. I would put a blanket on the couch and go to our room lock the door and try to put everything out of my mind and go to sleep... HE got the picture tho... I didnt want to be with him drunk.. I still dont want to be with him drunk.
We have all been there, done that, got the t-shirt! and alot of us are still doing it. Keep coming here and read whatever you can get your hands on that helps you to be ok.

Love and Light,
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Old 08-02-2003, 02:37 PM   #4 (permalink)

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My Dad stayed with my Mom

through all kinds of bad drinking spells. And he did that for five decades Firefighter, imagine that. He was always there for her, but it really took his toll on him. He had to make career choices that were not the ones he wanted to make, because of my Mother's alcoholism. Having lived through all this, you would think that I would have had the good sense to not marry a man who was a recovering alcoholic (who then relapsed)...but I didn't. Alas and alack, I am not known for my good sense.
It's hard to watch your spouse self-destruct with addiction. The best advice I can offer is to take care of yourself. Keep reading and posting on this board, find an Alanon meeting that works for you, whatever it takes to maintain your sanity and serenity.
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Old 08-03-2003, 05:41 PM   #5 (permalink)
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Thanks for your thoughts and welcome. You're right about the pretending. A poor choice of words, but perhaps what I was doing. Something to think about. Thanks again.
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Old 08-04-2003, 09:43 PM   #6 (permalink)
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I used to be the one drinking to excess for many years and my wife put up with it. Two years ago I ceased entirely and guess what? My wife is drinking wine at night by herself. Well, what do I do now? I can tell within three or four ounces the effect it has on her. Speech, mood, attitude entirely different. I don't think ignoring this situation is good for me or her. I shall have to address it head on. BTW I do not think drinking has helped me and certainly do not think it is doing anything for her.. JUst guess who drives her to the store for wine? She freaks out if I go in to the store just to look around.

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Old 08-05-2003, 03:59 AM   #7 (permalink)
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I just want to join the welcome here, and I hope that you will continue to find strength here and through working your own program of recovery.

Al-Anon has been a wonderful place for many to find others who have been where you are and who will also work with you to heal and make balanced decisions in your life, and I suggest trying a few meetings to see if this would help you too.

Sadly, we cannot change them but we can change ourselves and how we handle living with an active user.

Faith is the bird that feels the light when the dawn is still dark. ~Rabindranath Tagore

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Old 08-05-2003, 04:07 AM   #8 (permalink)

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I just wanted to stop in and welcome you here. You have come to a great place to share with others who have been there....on both sides. It is difficult to take those first few steps and break old habits of trying to "rescue" them. In the beginning faking it until we make it may be the answer!

Keep posting, Contant
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Old 08-05-2003, 04:31 AM   #9 (permalink)
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Hey Firefighter,

You're not the only guy but we're outnumbered! Ha I never mind being outnumber by women anywhere I've ever been. I feel for you, my fiance' is a highly functional alcoholic. She admitted for a bit she had a problem and stop drinking. She thought she had the problem licked and ignored our relationship councelors advise to see a councelor herself and go to AA meetings. She kept it to 2 drinks a day and some days none (that I knew of) for about a month and I actually started to believe she might have it licked. Then I started noticing her exceeding the 2 drinks a day a few times and tonight it was 4..... She's deep in denial. I LOVE her kids and I LOVE her too! I just don't think I can deal with the long hard road ahead, I think I'm throwing in the towel soon. I can't fix her and she won't fix herself. I feel so guilty but I know I need to do the right thing for me. It's just a war between my head and my heart. This is the single most agonizing dilemma of my life. I only have 3 years in with her not as many as you and your wife. If I had as much invested as you I would probably try longer! I would definately stay if she was at least trying.

I wish you luck and you will find the best friends here, we're all in the same boat. You might want to look into co-dependancy as us CDs are attracted to AHs like a moth to a flame.

Hang in there FF,

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Old 08-05-2003, 05:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Welcome! There are several men in the Alanon meeting I go to on Thursdays. THey seem to struggle with the same issues that I do and I relate to their feelings. So feel right at home here. As far as I can tell, alcoholism strikes both men and women and affects the people that love them about the same. My husband has been alcoholic since I met him, and I know I hooked up with him because he was so needy.

I use to think that if I didn't talk to my husband about the drinking that I was giving him my silent approval. Now I know that talking to him about it doesn't solve anything and that he knows I don't approve without my saying it(he has heard it all before). I try to focus on not reacting to his actions and to his drinking. I don't always acheive that but I try because it helps me to cope. Are there any face to face Alanon meeting near you? They have been so helpful to me. Good Luck.
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Old 08-05-2003, 07:22 PM   #11 (permalink)
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It's true that the issues facing someone living with an alcoholic are very similar whether a man or a woman. I really do feel like I'm turning the corner on understanding what I can do to cope and cure myself. I can see in these many posts people who are behind me and way ahead of me in the cycle of reacting to the family destruction caused by this disease. I found some alanon meetings near me but I haven't taken the step to join. Maybe soon. Tonight she is sober. We talked and I told her some of the things I've learned. It's a night with a little hope. If she can get through tomorrow night sober, a little more hope....... It's nice to have someone out there to talk to, who understands what it's like to have a front row seat for the worst show on Earth. You've all helped more than you know.
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Old 08-05-2003, 09:56 PM   #12 (permalink)
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I just wanted to say that there are several men in both of the groups that we attend on a weekly basis. Make yourself go on in & you'll be very glad that you did. You'll be welcomed with open arms because everyone there will be able to understand pretty much everthing that you are going through. You don't have to talk until you are ready, you can just listen to others' experiences. Go to several different groups until you find the one that you feel the most comfortable with. You will really benefit from the support of people who are actually going through what you're going through. Nobody in the world can be more supportive than someone else who's been there. Keep coming back here & maybe more men will start to post because they see that you are posting. Good Luck on finding the right AL-Anon Group for you!!!
Acceptance is key to my Serenity.
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