My boyfriend just relapsed. Am I handling this correctly?
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My boyfriend just relapsed. Am I handling this correctly?
I will try to keep this short as it has the potential to be very LONG. I have no experience with alcoholism in all my life until I met this man. I am 22 and he is 26. After kissing millions of frogs I finally found my prince. When I got with him I was very aware of his past with alcohol. He was two years sober.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it.
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights. Now that he's drinking I am DEFINITELY not sleeping with him and I told him that. It is a devestation that no words exsist to describe. I have no idea what to do, no idea what to say, I feel like he is slowly slipping away from me. He is deeply, deeply depressed and is on medication which was controlling it. I tell him that drinking while taking the medication is extremely dangerous as the medication alone is already messing with the chemicals in his brain. Throw drinks and coke in there and... it's painful to even think about it. I have cried myself to sleep and literally made myself sick over this. It is the worst feeling of absolute isolation and helplessness. He is not in denial. He is very aware of what he is doing and how it is effecting me and himself. He just can't stop. He is not an angry drunk, in fact, all he really does is get wasted, come home and pass out. It's almost like he is the same man, just sillier. He is not verbally abusive to me when he is drunk, nor physically.
For the most part I have been by his side at all times because he never used to drink while I was with him. For a while that was enough and he once went an entire five days without a drink. I thought I was seeing progress. Then he started to ask if he could take me home (I don't have a car). Whenever he asks to take me home I know it's because he wants to get drunk and doesn't want me to see him that way as I am a crying, hysterical mess every time I do. For the most part when he asks me to leave I refuse to go because in the past my presence has kept him from drinking, but that is obviously no longer the case. Over the last few days he has been sneaking out and getting drunk in his car while I was asleep and I would wake up to him wasted/passed out. This was my last straw, it is too hearwrenching. I cried/screamed at him, threw out all of his beer, told him to never talk to me again and stormed out. After a long night of googling I've come to the realization that these are the three absolute worst things one can do to an alcoholic. They were right. Last night he was worse then I've ever seen him.
I just have a few questions and I would apprechiate any answers, please.
1) When he first started drinking again he brought his old AA books over to my place and was reading them, he even said to me that he was thinking about going back to AA meetings. Was this the point that I should have really pushed him? Or is his just mentioning going to AA in jest not enough? Everything I've read has told me that he has to make the phone call on his own, make the decision on his own, take action on his own, but if he is reading AA books and talking about AA meetings isn't that a cry for help? Should I not have taken action just because HE wasn't the one making the call? This was all weeks ago. Am I too late? I will always agonize over not taking his keys the moment he said this and dragging him out to the car for the meeting. All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". He said that he likes the all male meetings, so I couldn't go. That was it.
2) I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what else to do. I told him that I cannot see him outside of work anymore (we work together) but that he was welcome to call me whenever he needed to and if he was ready to get sober I would be behind him 100%. Am I going about this correctly? Should I not even let him call me on the phone? I can't see him anymore as it is agony and I know I have to take care of myself but cutting off all contact COMPLETELY seems like abandonment. Plus, I kind of need to hear his voice everyday to calm the anxiety I feel for him every other second. To make sure he's alive, and not overdosing in a ditch somewhere.
All of the articles I've read say that in a relationship with an alcoholic it is important to leave them as they will never need to help themselves if they are having everything handed to them, but that seems so broad. What do they mean by leaving them? Do they mean dissapear from their lives completely i.e no phone calls, no interaction, no nothing? Or just set minimal boundaries, as I have?
I have no ******* idea what to do. No idea. I'm in agony. Please help.
Last edited by Crazy4Him; 01-05-2009 at 10:28 AM.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Northern New Jersey
Posts: 74
I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am fairly new to this myself, so won't even pretend I am qualified to answer any of your questions.....you will get many wise & wonderful answers from the great people here shortly....but I did want to reach out with a huge hug for you and many prayers that you find peace with this and your BF gets the help he needs.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Crazy4Him,
No, it's not too late. But like you already know, HE has to do what HE needs to do. None of this is in your control. That's not to say that being supportive of him going back to AA is wrong.
In my opinion, you did the exact right thing. What was his reply?
If he's been sober for two years, then he knows what he needs to do Crazy. He knows.
This is addict manipulation, pure and simple. He is responsible for his own actions, and he needs to take that responsibility rather than trying to lay it on you.
Hang in there Crazy, read read read, get more info, read more. That's the best advice I have. Also, get yourself to an Al-anon meeting as soon as possible.
No, it's not too late. But like you already know, HE has to do what HE needs to do. None of this is in your control. That's not to say that being supportive of him going back to AA is wrong.
All I did was say, "You absolutely should go back to meetings. I'll go with you". That was it.
If he's been sober for two years, then he knows what he needs to do Crazy. He knows.
I broke up with him even though he told me that was the one thing that would make everything worse, but I don't know what to do.
Hang in there Crazy, read read read, get more info, read more. That's the best advice I have. Also, get yourself to an Al-anon meeting as soon as possible.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Still Waters 
Crazy4Him,
No, it's not too late. But like you already know, HE has to do what HE needs to do. None of this is in your control. That's not to say that being supportive of him going back to AA is wrong.
In my opinion, you did the exact right thing. What was his reply?
No, it's not too late. But like you already know, HE has to do what HE needs to do. None of this is in your control. That's not to say that being supportive of him going back to AA is wrong.
In my opinion, you did the exact right thing. What was his reply?
He said I couldn't go with him because he likes to go to all male meetings because it's difficult for him to be open with women he's never met than with men he's never met. I asked him lots of questions about his all male AA class, where they usually met up, etc, but by that point he didn't want to talk about it anymore. His AA book is FULL of signatures, dozens of signatures from the men in his class. It seems like such a healthy place. I asked him why he left such a place at all and he just says he doesn't know.
Thanks you all for your quick responses. Just reading the threads/replies on this board has calmed me down tremendously. Less tears to wipe, so thanks.
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Posts: 146
Do you guys think it's okay to let him call me? I want to cut off all ties completely so that he can really FEEL it but I'm hesitant to do that. The one thing that scares me about this is that if I say, "Don't call me until you're ready to get help." That he WONT call me when he's ready to get help because he feels discouraged or resentful and it'll all start happening again when it could have been prevented.
What would you do?
What would you do?
Freed from the anguish
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 124
(((Crazy4him)))
So sorry to hear you going through this. It is SO very heartwrenching to watch someone you love SO MUCH make such unhealthy choices. The two things I want to remind you of are as follows:
1) You did NOT cause it, you can NOT control it, and you can NOT cure it.
2) You are not alone. We on SR are here for you. We've been through many of the same feelings and situations. We offer you our love and support. AlAnon will do that for you too - and having real live people right there next to you supporting you can help SOOO much.
Keep posting, learning, growing, and taking care of YOU.
- JustMe
So sorry to hear you going through this. It is SO very heartwrenching to watch someone you love SO MUCH make such unhealthy choices. The two things I want to remind you of are as follows:
1) You did NOT cause it, you can NOT control it, and you can NOT cure it.
2) You are not alone. We on SR are here for you. We've been through many of the same feelings and situations. We offer you our love and support. AlAnon will do that for you too - and having real live people right there next to you supporting you can help SOOO much.
Keep posting, learning, growing, and taking care of YOU.
- JustMe
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Do you guys think it's okay to let him call me? I want to cut off all ties completely so that he can really FEEL it but I'm hesitant to do that. The one thing that scares me about this is that if I say, "Don't call me until you're ready to get help." That he WONT call me when he's ready to get help because he feels discouraged or resentful and it'll all start happening again when it could have been prevented.
What would you do?
I think you are imagining you have way more control over this than you actually do.
Let him call you.
Don't let him call you.
It WILL NOT affect whether he drinks again or not.
Offer to go to a meeting with him.
Don't offer to go a meeting.
It WILL NOT affect whether he drinks again or not.
Believe it.
In your post I hear the same frantic obsession that used to plague my thoughts. They were all about the alcoholic too. It was uncomfortable to stop obsessing about the A, because it was so weird and unusual for me to focus just on me - on my life, my hopes, my REALITY.
Do you feel like right now you need to DO SOMETHING for/about him???
When I feel that way I try to do nothing unless it is for myself.
He is a man
He knows what to do to get help and get sober.
I thought I could help the A's in my life-- I was wrong - they need the help of other recovered alcoholics not me.
Easy does it. And I ditto everyone's suggestions about AlAnon - it can be a life-changer/improver for YOU!!!
Peace-
B.
What would you do?
I think you are imagining you have way more control over this than you actually do.
Let him call you.
Don't let him call you.
It WILL NOT affect whether he drinks again or not.
Offer to go to a meeting with him.
Don't offer to go a meeting.
It WILL NOT affect whether he drinks again or not.
Believe it.
In your post I hear the same frantic obsession that used to plague my thoughts. They were all about the alcoholic too. It was uncomfortable to stop obsessing about the A, because it was so weird and unusual for me to focus just on me - on my life, my hopes, my REALITY.
Do you feel like right now you need to DO SOMETHING for/about him???
When I feel that way I try to do nothing unless it is for myself.
He is a man
He knows what to do to get help and get sober.
I thought I could help the A's in my life-- I was wrong - they need the help of other recovered alcoholics not me.
Easy does it. And I ditto everyone's suggestions about AlAnon - it can be a life-changer/improver for YOU!!!
Peace-
B.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Crazy4Him
After kissing millions of frogs I finally found my prince.
What makes you crazy4him?
Originally Posted by Crazy4Him
Recently we began having problems, arguing and such. He started drinking, again. Doing coke, again. I will not sleep with him because I'm a virgin, and that is the cause of most of our fights.
Peace.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 146
Originally Posted by Reminder
Hi Crazy4Him:
What makes you crazy4him?
It appears as though you are crazy4him, but he is crazy4 something else other than you.
Peace.
What makes you crazy4him?
It appears as though you are crazy4him, but he is crazy4 something else other than you.
Peace.
I'm crazy about him because he makes me unbelievably happy! Or MADE me. Made is probably the better word. lol
Last edited by CatsPajamas; 01-05-2009 at 01:19 PM. Reason: changing to PG13 language. Thanks
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Location: Western WA
Posts: 132
Two thoughts:
1. Make your decision about allowing or not allowing phone calls based on how it will either help or hurt YOU - - not HIM. Think about how you're going to feel when he calls you drunk out of his mind and mad you're not there........or slurring his words so bad you can't understand a word he says...............or from jail to come bail him out.
2. Lots of respect to you for making such a strong stand about your willingness (or lack thereof) to have sex with him. Don't you wish he had the same respect for your decision as I do? Trust me........if he couldn't respect that one boundary sober, I think it highly unlikely he will respect that one or others while actively using.
You're too young and this relationship too new to go down with him in his choice to turn from sobriety. JMHO
1. Make your decision about allowing or not allowing phone calls based on how it will either help or hurt YOU - - not HIM. Think about how you're going to feel when he calls you drunk out of his mind and mad you're not there........or slurring his words so bad you can't understand a word he says...............or from jail to come bail him out.
2. Lots of respect to you for making such a strong stand about your willingness (or lack thereof) to have sex with him. Don't you wish he had the same respect for your decision as I do? Trust me........if he couldn't respect that one boundary sober, I think it highly unlikely he will respect that one or others while actively using.
You're too young and this relationship too new to go down with him in his choice to turn from sobriety. JMHO
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Aaaand he just told me to leave him alone from now on, not to text him or call him. Guess he can't handle the confrontation. He also sent me this text before he cut off contact.
'I'm ripped apart by u. I'm sorry im not good enough 4 u. I think a man should be there 4 his girl. I am sorry'
I never realized how much I was being manipulated until I started reading the threads on this forum. Looking through the millions of texts he's sent me I'm realizing that this manipulation has been going on for a while. Making me feel responsible, baiting me into arguments so that the focus would be taken off of his drinking, complete manipulation and I was so blind to it.
Wow. I'm done.
'I'm ripped apart by u. I'm sorry im not good enough 4 u. I think a man should be there 4 his girl. I am sorry'
I never realized how much I was being manipulated until I started reading the threads on this forum. Looking through the millions of texts he's sent me I'm realizing that this manipulation has been going on for a while. Making me feel responsible, baiting me into arguments so that the focus would be taken off of his drinking, complete manipulation and I was so blind to it.
Wow. I'm done.
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Posts: 146
Now he's calling, again. I'm not answering. I'm considering even changing my number because I'll never be able to work on myself moving on and being happy when I have to see his name on my cell phone screen all the time. Not answering alone is really, really hard. This is so hard.
And what's even worse? Now that he's called and I'm not answering I feel TEN times better. It's like this whole thing is some sick power struggle to me now. I'm just as deranged as he is.
And what's even worse? Now that he's called and I'm not answering I feel TEN times better. It's like this whole thing is some sick power struggle to me now. I'm just as deranged as he is.
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