extremely frustrated!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: washington
Posts: 1
extremely frustrated!!
I'm actually frustrated that i'm even HERE... But i'm almost positive my boyfriend has a drinking problem. He drinks every day, excessive amounts, and i've told him it bothers me so he cut back in the mornings, but when he cuts back in the mornings and afternoons he gets mean, when he drinks and gets drunk, he becomes mean... i dont know how to deal with this anymore.. i dont know how to deal with the arguments he trys to pick while he's drunk... if anyone has any advice it would be greatly appreciated. I dont want to leave him hanging just because he has a problem. We all have problems, and when you love someone you're in it for the rough patches too... but i'm so frustrated, and hurt, that im ready to give up....
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
((())) Welcome! you will find many here that have been through what you are going through
You will find support here!
I know it is hard to come to the realization that a loved one has a problem. ((()))
I can reccomend a few things, try to go to an few Al-anon meetings, check out the classic reading (sticky) at the top of this forum, also I love the book "Marriage on the Rocks" it is a quick easy read that can help give you some answers, also keep posting!
You will find support here!I know it is hard to come to the realization that a loved one has a problem. ((()))
I can reccomend a few things, try to go to an few Al-anon meetings, check out the classic reading (sticky) at the top of this forum, also I love the book "Marriage on the Rocks" it is a quick easy read that can help give you some answers
, also keep posting!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Hi Ready! Welcome to SoberRecovery!
At this point (if you're like me) you might find getting as much information about alcoholism as you can helpful. There are tons of links here for you to check out, I'd start there.
Just remember, if he's an alcoholic/addict:
You didn't create the problem.
You can't control the problem.
You can't cure the problem.
At this point (if you're like me) you might find getting as much information about alcoholism as you can helpful. There are tons of links here for you to check out, I'd start there.
Just remember, if he's an alcoholic/addict:
You didn't create the problem.
You can't control the problem.
You can't cure the problem.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I agree with daisy & still waters, ready2giveup. Al-Anon meetings are great for learning to come to grips with alcoholism - it's many faces, it's cunning nature, and how to have a good life even when it's hanging around trying to make you miserable. There are always people there who have gone through the same things as you are, and it can be really, really comforting (and enlightening!)
Read around the forum too, and listen to what others in your situation have to say & ask, and see the kinds of experience, strength & hope that others are sharing. When it comes to an enemy like alcoholism, knowledge really is power.
Does your BF agree that he has an alcohol problem? We might start with that, since dealing with someone willing to admit a problem/seek help can be quite a bit different from dealing with someone who just blows off your thoughts & feelings like they don't matter.
Hugs,
GL
Read around the forum too, and listen to what others in your situation have to say & ask, and see the kinds of experience, strength & hope that others are sharing. When it comes to an enemy like alcoholism, knowledge really is power.
Does your BF agree that he has an alcohol problem? We might start with that, since dealing with someone willing to admit a problem/seek help can be quite a bit different from dealing with someone who just blows off your thoughts & feelings like they don't matter.
Hugs,
GL
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
Hello all,
I've been lurking around this forum for a while now but this is my first post. Why? Because I guess it's taken me this long to come to terms with my wife's alcohol problem. She doesn't drink everyday, but regularly uses alcohol to mute any troubles or deal with boredom, it's been going on for a long time (we've been together 15 years) but I'm now reaching a point where I'm starting to question how much more of this am I supposed to take.
When I stood up on our wedding day and made my vows (for better, for worse etc) I meant every word (it would appear that loyalty is my vice), and I want nothing more than for this marriage to succeed and flourish for the benefit of us all, however at present it feels more like the daily trials of someone suffering with manic depression, the ecstatic highs when she's sober (after 15 years I am still very much in love), and the crashing lows where promises are broken and she becomes this slurring, confrontational, mess of a person who to be quite honest I don't want to be around, and would gladly leave the house to avoid only I don't want to leave her in charge of our kids when she's in that state, and so I find a corner of the house as far away as possible and weather the storm.
I feel trapped, if I'm honest I'm not sure I'd still be here if it weren't for our children and my longing to play my part in holding this family together, but I'm weary and things that I used to be able to brush off now simply wear away at what resolve I have left.
Not sure what I'm looking for on the forum, perhaps just an opportunity to share the experience with people who understand where I'm at.
Thanks for listening...
I've been lurking around this forum for a while now but this is my first post. Why? Because I guess it's taken me this long to come to terms with my wife's alcohol problem. She doesn't drink everyday, but regularly uses alcohol to mute any troubles or deal with boredom, it's been going on for a long time (we've been together 15 years) but I'm now reaching a point where I'm starting to question how much more of this am I supposed to take.
When I stood up on our wedding day and made my vows (for better, for worse etc) I meant every word (it would appear that loyalty is my vice), and I want nothing more than for this marriage to succeed and flourish for the benefit of us all, however at present it feels more like the daily trials of someone suffering with manic depression, the ecstatic highs when she's sober (after 15 years I am still very much in love), and the crashing lows where promises are broken and she becomes this slurring, confrontational, mess of a person who to be quite honest I don't want to be around, and would gladly leave the house to avoid only I don't want to leave her in charge of our kids when she's in that state, and so I find a corner of the house as far away as possible and weather the storm.
I feel trapped, if I'm honest I'm not sure I'd still be here if it weren't for our children and my longing to play my part in holding this family together, but I'm weary and things that I used to be able to brush off now simply wear away at what resolve I have left.
Not sure what I'm looking for on the forum, perhaps just an opportunity to share the experience with people who understand where I'm at.
Thanks for listening...
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Welcome to you both Ready and JSmile,
I hope you both find alot of solace and advice at SR you can take with you into your lives. I sure did! I have been here 14/15 months, and so much has changed in that time!
I was living with my alcoholic boyfriend (abf) who had always drank, but it got progressively worse - a charactertrait of alcoholism. I tried all I knew to try and get him to stop, cut back, see his problem. I hid his beer, I threw it away, sometimes in front of him. I marked bottles. I begged, manipulated, cajoled, cried, sulked, nagged.
I lost trust in him as he drank away our money and left us short for bills, lied to me, got calls from women on his phone, went to work and didn't come home afterward, hung out in bars with low lifes, invited them into our home, let them steal from us and continue to be their 'friend'. He let us go hungry as we had nothing to buy food with, my house was nearly reposessed, I am still paying back debt.
As time went on I used different tactics to get him to see the light, I began to shout and rant, I became increasingly volitile and aggressive with him. He became so with me too. From shear frustration and desperation I became a mad woman. I just wanted my partner back, who I had planned to marry and have children with, who loved me again because that had all stopped too, he was always at a bar or passed out or even I thought he smelt bad or was too intoxicated to sleep with. In my lowest moments I would anyway, hoping to reconnect with him and feel loved again.
I hurt and hurt alot. Then I found SR and I began to learn. I learnt the 3 C's as given above. I learnt that I had a choice to engage in the chaos or not to, I even had a choice whether I wanted to remain in this place with an active drinker. I learnt how to focus on me again and my life stopped revolving around what he did and didn't do.
I remembered that my daughter was only young (5-9yrs) and was witnessing all of this and learning from me how to behave in a relationship, and what behaviours she should accept. She was learning about abuse and neglect. She was learning that I would pick up the pieces time and time again, and that I would put her security behind my priority to 'love' and 'be loved' by an alcoholic. Even though that decision meant she was routinely cold through no heating, without clothing that fit, without a decent meal, without special times with her mum and family, without having a sober parent.
Living with an alcoholic can be toxic for us too. For that reason I am very happy you both have found SR. Please read our stickies (parmenant threads) and other posts and keep posting yourself! There is much to be learnt about detachment, self care and love and control (or lack there of!)
My life has changed for the better since taking that hard look at my life and realising my choices before me.
Much love to you both
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I hope you both find alot of solace and advice at SR you can take with you into your lives. I sure did! I have been here 14/15 months, and so much has changed in that time!
I was living with my alcoholic boyfriend (abf) who had always drank, but it got progressively worse - a charactertrait of alcoholism. I tried all I knew to try and get him to stop, cut back, see his problem. I hid his beer, I threw it away, sometimes in front of him. I marked bottles. I begged, manipulated, cajoled, cried, sulked, nagged.
I lost trust in him as he drank away our money and left us short for bills, lied to me, got calls from women on his phone, went to work and didn't come home afterward, hung out in bars with low lifes, invited them into our home, let them steal from us and continue to be their 'friend'. He let us go hungry as we had nothing to buy food with, my house was nearly reposessed, I am still paying back debt.
As time went on I used different tactics to get him to see the light, I began to shout and rant, I became increasingly volitile and aggressive with him. He became so with me too. From shear frustration and desperation I became a mad woman. I just wanted my partner back, who I had planned to marry and have children with, who loved me again because that had all stopped too, he was always at a bar or passed out or even I thought he smelt bad or was too intoxicated to sleep with. In my lowest moments I would anyway, hoping to reconnect with him and feel loved again.
I hurt and hurt alot. Then I found SR and I began to learn. I learnt the 3 C's as given above. I learnt that I had a choice to engage in the chaos or not to, I even had a choice whether I wanted to remain in this place with an active drinker. I learnt how to focus on me again and my life stopped revolving around what he did and didn't do.
I remembered that my daughter was only young (5-9yrs) and was witnessing all of this and learning from me how to behave in a relationship, and what behaviours she should accept. She was learning about abuse and neglect. She was learning that I would pick up the pieces time and time again, and that I would put her security behind my priority to 'love' and 'be loved' by an alcoholic. Even though that decision meant she was routinely cold through no heating, without clothing that fit, without a decent meal, without special times with her mum and family, without having a sober parent.
Living with an alcoholic can be toxic for us too. For that reason I am very happy you both have found SR. Please read our stickies (parmenant threads) and other posts and keep posting yourself! There is much to be learnt about detachment, self care and love and control (or lack there of!)
My life has changed for the better since taking that hard look at my life and realising my choices before me.
Much love to you both
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
Hiya and welcome!
ready2giveup:
dont want to leave him hanging just because he has a problem. We all have problems, and when you love someone you're in it for the rough patches too...
Jsmile:
I'm not sure I'd still be here if it weren't for our children and my longing to play my part in holding this family together
These 2 statements jumped out at me...I just want to say the denial that I experienced as a child in an alcoholic home was so pervasive, and so sick and shame-based that it has taken me years to undo that habit of mind!!
ready2giveup: No we don't have to leave people who have a problem - but neither do we have to stay with them!! We make our own decisions about how we want to live, with whom, and what kind of relationship we desire and deserve.
Take the alcohol out of the equation: you say your bf is mean. Period. That's all you need to know. Do you want to be in a relationship with a mean person? You don't want to leave him hanging?? Where does that leave you? No one was put on this earth to martyr themselves to another's "problem."
Alcoholism is not a "rough patch" It is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, not better, unless and until the alcoholic decides they want sobriety and recovery. That could happen today. Or it could happen in 30 years. Or it could never happen. And whether it does or does not happen is completely out of your control. Believe it.
And Jsmile, I think the denial is very strong when kids are involved. I think the sober parent really does believe (magically) that they are protecting the children from the A's behavior etc. I can say unequivocally it is impossible. If it could have been done than My Mother the most controlling "got-my-happy-face-on" queen of denial would have been the one human being who could have pulled it off!! And of course - she couldn't.
Because my father was an active alcoholic and that was the REALITY.
Children live the dynamic of their family life. They are sponges absorbing EVERYTHING around them. And if what they are seeing, feeling, hearing is contradicted by the supposedly rational adults around them it can set them up for a lifetime of mistrust (in themselves and their judgement especially), anger, magical thinking, confusion, rage, codependence.
I think it's great you're both here!! I found that breaking through the denial about what was really going on to be the first step in my getting healthy and out from under the cloud that I felt hanging over me from the alcoholism in my family.
AlAnon was/is a huge help.
And jsmile - if your kids are over the age of 6 or 7 they deserve to have a rational adult validating what's REALLY going on in their lives and in their home. Call it what it is: alcoholism.. there is no shame in it when we name it, face it, and admit that:
We didn't cause it,
We can't control,
We can't cure it!
Peace-
B.
ready2giveup:
dont want to leave him hanging just because he has a problem. We all have problems, and when you love someone you're in it for the rough patches too...
Jsmile:
I'm not sure I'd still be here if it weren't for our children and my longing to play my part in holding this family together
These 2 statements jumped out at me...I just want to say the denial that I experienced as a child in an alcoholic home was so pervasive, and so sick and shame-based that it has taken me years to undo that habit of mind!!
ready2giveup: No we don't have to leave people who have a problem - but neither do we have to stay with them!! We make our own decisions about how we want to live, with whom, and what kind of relationship we desire and deserve.
Take the alcohol out of the equation: you say your bf is mean. Period. That's all you need to know. Do you want to be in a relationship with a mean person? You don't want to leave him hanging?? Where does that leave you? No one was put on this earth to martyr themselves to another's "problem."
Alcoholism is not a "rough patch" It is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, not better, unless and until the alcoholic decides they want sobriety and recovery. That could happen today. Or it could happen in 30 years. Or it could never happen. And whether it does or does not happen is completely out of your control. Believe it.
And Jsmile, I think the denial is very strong when kids are involved. I think the sober parent really does believe (magically) that they are protecting the children from the A's behavior etc. I can say unequivocally it is impossible. If it could have been done than My Mother the most controlling "got-my-happy-face-on" queen of denial would have been the one human being who could have pulled it off!! And of course - she couldn't.
Because my father was an active alcoholic and that was the REALITY.
Children live the dynamic of their family life. They are sponges absorbing EVERYTHING around them. And if what they are seeing, feeling, hearing is contradicted by the supposedly rational adults around them it can set them up for a lifetime of mistrust (in themselves and their judgement especially), anger, magical thinking, confusion, rage, codependence.
I think it's great you're both here!! I found that breaking through the denial about what was really going on to be the first step in my getting healthy and out from under the cloud that I felt hanging over me from the alcoholism in my family.
AlAnon was/is a huge help.
And jsmile - if your kids are over the age of 6 or 7 they deserve to have a rational adult validating what's REALLY going on in their lives and in their home. Call it what it is: alcoholism.. there is no shame in it when we name it, face it, and admit that:
We didn't cause it,
We can't control,
We can't cure it!
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 9
Thanks to all for a warm welcome, I guess I'm in a place that's close to ready2giveup's situation, almost at breaking point but still finding the will to do whatever I can to not cut and run in the face of adversity.
I agree completely with you Bernadette in theory. My children are old enough (9 and 11) to understand that people have problems with alcohol and drugs but I'm not yet ready to tell them that one of those people is their mother. I guess it's the loyalty issue again, it's an important issue for me, and it feels like a betrayal of trust to tell others of her problem. To be honest I'm only really beginning to get my head around it all and I don't yet know what I'm planning to do or when I'm planning to do it.
The last two nights have been alcohol free, which is great, but I can still feel it gnawing at the back of my head , waiting to hear the hiss of a beer bottle or the pop of a wine cork which will make me want to be somewhere else. I made her promise not to drink over christmas as we were staying with my family and to her credit she kept her end of the bargain. However the end result was a her making up for lost time when we got home and several nights were spent with my wife draining bottle after bottle of wine before stumbling upstairs to fall unconcious. I know that there are some pretty tough issues she is currently dealing with and we've talked at length during the sober hours of how this isn't helping resolve any issues, it's simply prolonging and adding to the misery. She'll nod, and is genuinely remorseful and for a while I believe that this time she might take charge of her life.
I'm guessing this is a very familiar situation for a large proportion of you out there...
I agree completely with you Bernadette in theory. My children are old enough (9 and 11) to understand that people have problems with alcohol and drugs but I'm not yet ready to tell them that one of those people is their mother. I guess it's the loyalty issue again, it's an important issue for me, and it feels like a betrayal of trust to tell others of her problem. To be honest I'm only really beginning to get my head around it all and I don't yet know what I'm planning to do or when I'm planning to do it.
The last two nights have been alcohol free, which is great, but I can still feel it gnawing at the back of my head , waiting to hear the hiss of a beer bottle or the pop of a wine cork which will make me want to be somewhere else. I made her promise not to drink over christmas as we were staying with my family and to her credit she kept her end of the bargain. However the end result was a her making up for lost time when we got home and several nights were spent with my wife draining bottle after bottle of wine before stumbling upstairs to fall unconcious. I know that there are some pretty tough issues she is currently dealing with and we've talked at length during the sober hours of how this isn't helping resolve any issues, it's simply prolonging and adding to the misery. She'll nod, and is genuinely remorseful and for a while I believe that this time she might take charge of her life.
I'm guessing this is a very familiar situation for a large proportion of you out there...
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
Posts: 601
Jsmile Welcome!
I urge you to start educating yourself about the disease.
I was once where you are...(change AW to AH and the ages of the kids). We as friends and family of A's don't know how much we are affected until we start getting help for ourselves
Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes
Welcome!I urge you to start educating yourself about the disease.
I was once where you are...(change AW to AH and the ages of the kids). We as friends and family of A's don't know how much we are affected until we start getting help for ourselves
Remember nothing changes, if nothing changes
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I'm guessing this is a very familiar situation for a large proportion of you out there...
Yup that was the situation in my home growing up. And it's the situation I've dealt with in varying degrees and intensities with all my brothers.
I have alcohol related memories of family life going back to first grade - so what is that like 7 yrs old??
I understand that you think you are being loyal to your wife but actively protecting an alcoholic is feeding the denial and enabling her to continue her drinking without that consequence.
You certainly don't tell the children to punish the mother - you tell them because for sure they know something is different about their family, they have a gnawing feeling inside when she is drinking or when your behavior shifts because of her drinking, and they wonder on some level- why isn't anyone talking to me about this? Why is there an elephant in the room and everyone is pretending it isn't there? I mean, seriously, jsmile, isn't something very wrong!!!???
You tell them so they can relax and be kids and feel like you respect them enough to let them know you are also seeing what they are seeing, you are not in denial, but they are kids and it is an adult problem- they didn't cause it, they can't control it, they can't cure it, and there is nothing to be ashamed about. You start a new kind of dialog with them - and let them know you are always there for them to talk to. It is not easy to be in the 3rd or 4th grade and have an alcoholic parent- I remember it really well!!!!
What about loyalty to your kids? And why not take all the shame out of it?? "Mom has this problem, alcoholism, lots of families deal with it, it's really tough but please know it has nothing to do with love and nothing about it is your fault."
Your children will surprise you I bet. It is a proud moment for a kid when a parent sits down with them and addresses them seriously. They generally rise to the occasion. If a rational adult had sat me down and just said hey B what's going on here is "alcoholism" and if you want to talk about I am here for you- WOW what a load of misery that would've prevented.
The denial was so strong in my house and my mother's efforts to pretend nothing was wrong with dad were so good I often wonder if that is why my brothers unquestioningly grew up to imitate dad and all 3 became alcoholics. I guess I'l never know.
My heart goes out to you and to your kids - it is tough stuff.
Peace-
B.
Yup that was the situation in my home growing up. And it's the situation I've dealt with in varying degrees and intensities with all my brothers.
I have alcohol related memories of family life going back to first grade - so what is that like 7 yrs old??
I understand that you think you are being loyal to your wife but actively protecting an alcoholic is feeding the denial and enabling her to continue her drinking without that consequence.
You certainly don't tell the children to punish the mother - you tell them because for sure they know something is different about their family, they have a gnawing feeling inside when she is drinking or when your behavior shifts because of her drinking, and they wonder on some level- why isn't anyone talking to me about this? Why is there an elephant in the room and everyone is pretending it isn't there? I mean, seriously, jsmile, isn't something very wrong!!!???
You tell them so they can relax and be kids and feel like you respect them enough to let them know you are also seeing what they are seeing, you are not in denial, but they are kids and it is an adult problem- they didn't cause it, they can't control it, they can't cure it, and there is nothing to be ashamed about. You start a new kind of dialog with them - and let them know you are always there for them to talk to. It is not easy to be in the 3rd or 4th grade and have an alcoholic parent- I remember it really well!!!!
What about loyalty to your kids? And why not take all the shame out of it?? "Mom has this problem, alcoholism, lots of families deal with it, it's really tough but please know it has nothing to do with love and nothing about it is your fault."
Your children will surprise you I bet. It is a proud moment for a kid when a parent sits down with them and addresses them seriously. They generally rise to the occasion. If a rational adult had sat me down and just said hey B what's going on here is "alcoholism" and if you want to talk about I am here for you- WOW what a load of misery that would've prevented.
The denial was so strong in my house and my mother's efforts to pretend nothing was wrong with dad were so good I often wonder if that is why my brothers unquestioningly grew up to imitate dad and all 3 became alcoholics. I guess I'l never know.
My heart goes out to you and to your kids - it is tough stuff.
Peace-
B.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Jsmile, you may find that more people respond to you if you post your own thread (use the Post New Thread button at any time, and let 'er rip!) and tell us about yourself. People here love to welcome new people, and can't always find them easily if they join in the middle of existing conversations 
.
Ready2GiveUp, I second Bernadette's point that alcoholism is a progressive disease and can get much, much worse....even when you already think it's bad! I hope you'll take some time and learn more about it, so you can really make the right choices for yourself. Hoping your BF realizes he has a problem and seeks help....but keep YOURSELF safe in the meantime. Your life is the only one you can control
. Ready2GiveUp, I second Bernadette's point that alcoholism is a progressive disease and can get much, much worse....even when you already think it's bad! I hope you'll take some time and learn more about it, so you can really make the right choices for yourself. Hoping your BF realizes he has a problem and seeks help....but keep YOURSELF safe in the meantime. Your life is the only one you can control
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by Jsmile 
My children are old enough (9 and 11) to understand that people have problems with alcohol and drugs but I'm not yet ready to tell them that one of those people is their mother.
And since its not being talked about they have been and are drawing their own conclusions, ones you probably would not want them to draw, such as its their fault, this is how adults are supposed to behave. They are learning what it means to be an adult from a dysfunctional family. Is that what you want?
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