Life with my AH..........
 

I would like to share how it is in my relationship with my ah. He is loving, and funny, and he buys all the groceries, cooks all the dinners, walks the dog, takes out the trash, you get the picture. He looks at me, tells me I am beautiful, and makes me feel safe.

He also drinks beer every night, gets irritable and angry sometimes, has trouble keeping a job for more than a year or so, feels disappointed in himself and the world. He vents his anger and frustration at me, some nights worse than others. He makes me cry sometimes.

It is hard for me to be around him sometimes because he makes me feel discouraged and without hope. You see, I need hope in my life, need to believe in goodness and blessings.

I just wanted you all to know, that sometimes living with an alcoholic is painful, but not impossible. Who knows if he will get better or worse. But I have learned the importance of living in my own recovery program.

Over the past two years, he was working and things were really going well in my work, so I was distracted from my recovery. I stopped posting here and going to my meetings. But things shift, and my work calmed down, and he lost his job and I started feeling really crazy again. So I finally came to my senses, came back to recovery, and presto, I feel better. Maybe not wonderful, but better.

I mostly have given up on my black and white thinking. The world is indeed a dangerous place, filled with pain, and evil, and trouble. But it is also a place of beauty and the most unbelievable kindnesses.

Story of kindness: My sister from NJ listened to me when I said that I loved an afghan that was being sold in my church bazaar. I didn't buy the afghan because I was trying to be financially responsible. But I felt the loss, because the afghan reminded me of my grandmother, she made beautiful afghans. So she called my church, found out who had made the afghan (after many calls) and called the woman and asked her to make another afghan for me, which she agreed to do. She gave it to me this morning. I was so surprised I was speechless. Incredible kindness and love.

Sometimes I wonder, should I stay or should I go (who am I kidding, I wonder this all the time) but I wanted to acknowledge that life is OK, even while living with an active AH.
thanks

i'm delighted things are going ok for now. do you go to al-anon? remember, alcoholism is a progressive disease. sadly enough, it truly is.

i too, tried to live it out, thinking....it's not all that bad. things could be worse. and it did.

but for now, cherish the good times you have.

best to you

Thank you for sharing.

I, too, love a great guy who suffers from alcoholism.
It's tough.

He's lovely and funny and tender and smart.
And depressed and lonely and often closed off.

Package deal.

Time will bring answers - I'm glad that you've found peace while you await those answers.

Take care.
-TC

Your ABF sounds alot like mine, does all the shopping and cooking, takes out the trash. Really great on the surface. But he likes to "have some drinks" while he cooks and sometimes the mess is unreal. Then IF he will eat he slops it like a dog. Did you see that video of David Hasselhoff eating while drunk? That's him.

He managed to stay sober for 2 mths, then we went to a football game and it started all over again. I had to kick him out. Continued to see him though, as long as he was sober. That lasted awhile, then I noticed he started having some before coming over. Then Friday night I noticed he had snuck some in his jacket. I can't take it anymore. He told me that night that he chooses his alcohol and I will hafta accept it if I want him in my life. So I told him I don't want him in my life. Last night I spoke to him on the phone. He said he is miserable without me, but I need to stay away from him. This relationship is so one sided. It's all about him and his drama. I can never need anything. I would like to call him to help me get this Christmas stuff in the attic, but he knows I need that. He was supposed to help me get something at the hardware store this weekend too, but he's been drunk all weekend. I've turned off my phones.

Starting my own recovery from this codependancy.

It's really good to see you Rose.

:Val004:

Oh wow....especially "He's lovely and funny and tender and smart.
And depressed and lonely and often closed off.

Package deal."

This hit me square in the face and it's oh so true.

rose,

I love that, amid the chaos and the uncertainty of your life, you a) still make time for recovery, and b) still see the beauty and kindness that surrounds us, mixed in with all the rest.

Sending you my best - I too love an alcoholic but currently it is my brother, and the good things about him are many, many, many. Package deal though, as TC says....we will all get through this together.

:ghug3

Ditto. Mine too but I couldn't live with that particular "package" anymore - I deserved more and could not deal with the irritable-ness, grouchiness, his frustrations while drinking, and the arguing that comes with those "few drinks" every night.

I didn't want to end my relationship with my xabf but I HAD to - for my own health and sanity.

Good luck to you.

Rose,

I hear my story in yours. Living with my stbxAH was like living with 2 men. One (the one that everyone else sees) is wonderful. The other is at best, absent - at worse, mean. My needs and household needs had to be on-hold until Good Husband came back. Too bad for me if something came up when Drunk Husband was home.

There was just not room enough in a marriage for me, him and the Alcohol.
Slowly finding my own healthy path has been hard and sad sometimes. And it's the most liberating journey I've ever been on.

Take care,

TH

He is loving, and funny, and he buys all the groceries, cooks all the dinners, walks the dog, takes out the trash, you get the picture. He looks at me, tells me I am beautiful, and makes me feel safe.


My axw was everything I could have wanted in a wife and partner in the beginning. A good friend of mine has been married to an alcoholic for 20 + years and I remember him saying about our wives years ago, (long before I "was schooled"), when they're good, they are really, really good. BTW she quit drinking 5 years ago.

I believe the average alcoholic "tries harder" than his/her nonalcoholic counter parts, especially in the beginning. To hook us, and to try and offset all the nonsense that comes along with the "package".

I don't necessarily think this show is conscious or premeditated in all cases. But I DO think the ability to present a "too good to be true" persona is necessary to find and keep enablers like I was.

Anywho, JMHO!

Thanks and God bless us all, :ghug3
Coyote

Thanks all for your support and for hearing me.
TC, Yes a package deal, that's what it is.

Morning Glory, its so good to be welcomed by a friendly face from "the old days". Great to see you too.

And we journey on...................