suzieq1972

I'm coming in on the tail end of this but from what I can gather Hope, you are scared. This is perfectly fine and normal. I have only one suggestion...

read my signature line.

LaTeeDa

During all the years I lived with an alcoholic, he never wanted to make the decision to quit drinking. I would get fed up and threaten to leave and he would ask what he needed to do. I would say quit drinking. He would say okay, and he would do it--for awhile. It was never his decision or his idea. It was for me. I was to blame for his not being able to "enjoy" alcohol. The discomfort and hard work it took to get sober was my doing, not his.

The same thing applies here. It's not easy to "sober up" from being codependent. You want us, the pastor, your husband, someone to make the decision for you. Then you will be absolved when things get difficult or uncomfortable. You can say it was his fault, not yours. You can continue in the role of martyr because that is familiar. Just as the alcoholic continues to drink unless they make the decision to quit.

There is no magic pill you can take, no waking up one morning and all is well. It's like learning to swim. If you sit on the edge of the pool dangling your feet in the water, you will never choke and cough and get water up your nose, but you will never swim either......

L

hopeangel

today i just feel extreme anger. i'm angry at myself for putting myself in this position. i'm REALLY angry at him for putting me in this awful position.

i have not slept well, my stomach is a mess. the stress and anxiety are terrible.

i'm soo angry at him. he was supposed to be the one to protect me, to look out for my best interest, to care for me, NOPE, i'm left all alone with him basically saying the h@@@ with you!

how dare he put me in this position that i have to fret and fret over whether to get an apartment and leave him. how dare he put me throught this with everything i've done for him.

i don't even want to look at him or talk to him. i'm just so angry for the way he has treated me and purposely hurt me. no apology.

don't worry, i well know my own responsibility, but right now i'm feeling like i really want to hold onto this anger and use it for something hopefully good.

ANVIL, what an inspiring story. i truly admire your strength and courage to do the right thing. thank you so much for sharing that!!!

hopeangel

i called the landlord and the apt. is still available. so, i am going to call her today and just tell her that i think my very best option is to not rent the apt. until the very last minute that i have to, before someone else takes it...the longer i wait the less money it will cost me and the closer (prayers) i will be to selling the house. so, 'm okay with this thinking for the moment.

i really do think i was fooling myself with the counseling and the pastor, because i found some stuff written by AH that just shows how out of touch with reality he still is and it was quite eye opening and he has shown through his actions after that one meeting that he does not have a real desire to change and he has chosen another path again.

reading his letter which was all about anger and blaming me and justifying, even rationalizing his verbal abuse it is VERY clear my best healthiest option is to NOT to communicate with him at all at this point, unless he shows real desire to change... please help me stay strong in that!!!

Barbara52

Is this fair to the landlord? If I were the one renting and had anyone else interested, I would give it to them over someone who was waffling on whether they wanted to rent the place or not. Just something to think about. You may be shooting yourself in the foot by continuing to play the landlord like this.

hopeangel

i definitely thought about that barbara, so i thought i would just be honest with her and tell her exactly what i wrote here, that i don't want to stop her from renting it to anyone else interested, but as long as no one else is, then i would like to hold off, once she finds someone else interested, then i will definitely HAVE TO decide right then so i'm not preventing her from renting it.

honesty is the best policy right?

LaTeeDa

I guess it all depends on what monetary value you are willing to put on your peace, sanity, and safety.

L

ToughChoices

Yes, honesty is good.
But, what are you waiting for? Are you waiting for the apartment to be rented so that you don't have any options other than to stay put?

The door is open. Your husband told you that he intended to keep on drinking. You found a letter that blamed you for all of the problems in the relationship.

Now you have the opportunity to get some distance - for your physical safety (he DID threaten to kill you) and your emotional health.

What purpose does waiting accomplish?

I don't mean to be harsh, hopeangel. I am concerned that you are talking yourself out of a fresh start and into another helping of insanity.

-TC

Barbara52

It seems to me that you are indeed making a decision right this moment to continue in what you have described as an intolerable decision until someone else makes a decision for you. Is that really what you want to do? Continue to abdicate your own responsibility for what you life is?

hopeangel

yeah, i'll be honest. i am trying to buy time and for two reasons, one is definitely for the finances, and the other is just plain and simple to buy more time to see what will happen with the marriage - with the counseling and the pastor and the church... to see what actions AH is going to take or what will happen.

i'm really just amazed at how almost one week he can be completely sane and rational and seem to really grasp the reality of the situation and his responsibility in it and then to go completely back the other way. it's mind blowing.

i can't understand it at all and i know i should not even try. i also think i need to leave it up to him as far as any action to save the marriage or seek treatment for his alcoholism, so.

"Continue to abdicate your own responsibility for what you life is? " VERY well said Barbara!!! i needed to hear that today -thanks


it really is like split personalities.

and yeah toughchoices, i really don't want to have anymore insanity i really really don't. like i said i don't want this to go on one more day and i know by me staying i'm allowing just that....for it to go on ONE more day. geez!!!

"Continue to abdicate your own responsibility for what you life is? " - VERY well said Barbara - thank you - i needed to hear that today!

LaTeeDa

Aren't these the very same rationalizations you have been using for the past TWO YEARS? And how has that worked out for you so far? Is your financial situation better now than it was two years ago? Is your husband drinking less and behaving better than two years ago?

The title of this thread is very telling. It is obvious to me you don't WANT to make a decision. Maybe you need to ask yourself why.

It seems to me the answer can be found in this quote:

Abdicate is exactly the right word for this. You have handed over your life to someone else and he has let you down. At every turn, you continue to place your life, future, happiness, whatever in the hands of others. Now, it's the landlord or potential other renter.

As long as you continue looking to others to save you, take care of you, manage your life for you, you will continue to suffer. It's very sad to watch.

L

Still Waters

Taking an apartment isn't saying the marriage is over, and it isn't saying that the marriage can't be worked on. It's simply giving you a safe sane place to THINK.

It's very difficult to make decisions when you're so close to an unhealthy setting.

hopeangel

i'm amazed at the number of people that are here to help me when i need it.

thank you so much for your support.

i just got done talking to the landlord and she is a sweetheart. i just explained it as honest as i did here - that i don't want to stop her in anyway from renting it, but i would be soo gratful if she would let me know and have first choice if someone else is interested. i told her that i DON'T want to miss out on the apartment, BUT the longer i can hold out and wait to rent it the better for me - it buys me more time to save money and brings me closer to selling the house.

and she said she TOTALLY understood - that SHE was in the same position at one time. she offered to call me the minute anyone else shows interest and give me the option and then at that time i would have to make a decision right then.

i feel good about this and told her that i would keep checking with her also.

so i feel a little relieved for the moment.

i've always had a mistrust of people, but i'm finding that there are wonderful nice people every where.

thank you all so much!!!

LaTeeDa

I'm so sorry you have set yourself up in this way. This whole thread is about your inability to make a decision. Now, you've put yourself in a position not only of making a decision, but making a quick one. Sadly, when the time comes, I fear you will continue to rationalize and say there is no way you can make a decision of such monumental proportions so quickly.

Somewhere deep down inside, there is a part of you that fears making this decision. That is why you feel relief. You have successfully postponed dealing with that fear. Unfortunately, by postponing it, you have only made it a certainty that it will be back. They say the only way out is through. By refusing to face the fear head-on and go through it, it will remain to haunt you indefinitely. And the longer you let it control you, the more powerful it becomes.

I hope you will read DesertEyes thread about taking care of yourself.

(((hopeangel)))

L

prodigal

I don't think anyone here is telling you "do this," or "you must do that," but I don't believe you are hearing what is being said. Actually, support means, "you go, girl!" "you ARE on the path to recovery," "it's scarey, but we'll be there to support you."

What I'm reading are folks here telling you that you're still in denial. That is your choice, but I don't see it so much as support; rather, hoping you will see the light.

I don't believe anybody is going to be particularly supportive of someone who has spent two years justifying why they stay with an A who has actually threatened to kill them.

I'm sorry .... just my opinion .... but I see people trying to give you a wake-up call rather than support for your current living status.

hopeangel

thanks for the little bit more harshness and straightforwardness latee and prod. i know i need it. latee i will read deserteyes thread because i definitely haven't been taking good care of myself.

you know, i still see it as support no matter whether you agree with my choices or lack there of. i understand everything everyone is saying and i take it all in. believe me, no one is more frustrated or fed up with my situation than me and i really can't believe that it has went on two years...when your head is stuck in the sand of denial, your right, things just seem to happen around you and you really just can't believe it.

i don't want to think about what i have lost by not acting. unfortunately, i still have to do this in my own way and in my own time

Barbara52

We all have to do it in our own way, in our own time. But we can work on "fixing" our self-perceived issues also. What can you do to work on you self-perceived inability to face your issues head on and make changes? What can you do to help yourself make these decisions that you keep abdicating responsibility for? What can you do to change your life for the better?

LaTeeDa

Do what?

From what you have shared, I cannot understand what you mean by "do this." Waiting around for things to get better is not doing anything. Hope is not a plan.

There are many, many things you can do to improve your life. Not all of them involve renting an apartment. Are you still seeing a counselor? Are you attending Alanon? There are tons of books out there about abusive relationships and self-improvement. Have you read any of them? What about boundaries?

It seems to me that "doing this in your own way and your own time" is just an excuse for doing nothing.

L

FormerDoormat

Victims stop being victims the moment they recognize their power to choose.

-- Geneen Roth

TakingCharge999

Hi hopeangel
Thank you for sharing your story with us.

I see a lot of myself in you. I will ask God to give you clarity and energy to put the extra effort needed to be able to leave and zoom out from your situation.

When you are inside a toxic environment it is very difficult to "wake up" but I believe you are starting to take the steps needed in order to regain your sanity, so that is a good sign.

You are the only one who knows when is the correct time for you, but keep in mind that time goes on, I wouldn't want to see you looking back in regret for all the time you spent waiting instead of pursuing.

Please take all the advice as help, not as an attack... :>
hugs hopeangel!!