bookwyrm

The past couple of mornings I've woken feeling a bit blue. First Christmas on my own stuff I think - and the thought of going back to work on Monday! But I've shaken it off once I get up and moving. I've had a very peaceful and loving holiday with friends and family. I've done my own thing and really relaxed.

This morning was different. I have a cold feeling in the pit of my stomach and I'm feeling real fear. I have no idea where it is coming from! I'm not afraid of anything that is around me, I'm having an at home alone day (a planned pyjama day!) and the feeling is waxing and waning. It is freaking me out a little though - maybe I have finally gone insane....

dgtrkt

remember it is not real. Pray to have the fear removed. the opposite of love is fear.

freeflower

i know the feeling..it is awful. I used to get this feeling on sundays..maybe the thought of going back to work, I don't know but I used to write down all my thoughts on those days. Now I try to go do something. I think it is almost a grieving kind of feeling almost like dispair. I can tell you that it has gotton better for me. It has been almost 9 months now and it's like I'm coming out of the fog. I still have alot of things un settled like a divorce and money and bills to be talked about with ah but it doesn't consume me anymore. When the time is right I (we ah) will go there.
You are not going insane either. You have not been alone for long time..if ever..and it is an adjustment for sure. I used to have to tell me self to just move. Take a shower now, comb out my hair etc...I thought I was going crazy too but I think it's just relearning. What gots me thru is reading on here, reading my melody beatty books, writing down my thoughts, crying when I need to .
I dreaded pj days and now, I kinda like um. Hang in there. It's a long road but you can do it. Time is something you have to travel but time is what has helped me.

bookwyrm

Thanks freeflower. Its just so weird. Its like I don't know what is going on in my own head sometimes! Been pottering around doing stuff but the feeling of dread, like a cold heavy weight in the pit of my stomach, won't go! It is almost a physical thing. I've lived alone before - many years ago now - so I don't think it is that fear that is hitting me.

I wonder if I feel this way because I used to shut down emotionally (especially in the last year or so of my marriage) as a method of self preservation that these feelings are finally coming out in a way that is unconnected to present circumstances? I would have thought the rage would have been more likely to come back or even the sadness but fear?

blessed4x

I did the same thing, except for I was able to feel anger at times. I think you are right on. Sit with your feelings, and know allow yourself to just feel them. Maybe you could journal.

I think there is always a bit of a letdown after the holidays, too. Even though I tell myself I'm glad all the stress of shopping and cooking and entertaining is over, it's still a loss. Trust that there is validity to what you are feeling and in time you will discover the source.

(((hugs)))

freeflower

Don't be surprised if some rage and some sadness appear every now and then. I too have felt those feelings, sometimes for no apparent reason. I could quietly work my self up into a rage while at work. No one around would know that my mind was racing with anger about what had happened to me over the last 28 years or the anger at my self for not leaving sooner or just making up outcomes to this knew life that always had me getting the smelly end of the stick.
I really can't think of any scenerio that hasn't crossed my mind at one point but it is getting easier. Really. A few weeks back i was so worked up, I was going to call him and just un load. Wrote down all this "stuff" on paper and was just mad. I went home and got on here and I read something that calmed me down. I picked up my book, the language of letting go by melody beatty and I went right to a page that fit my moment and like a miricle of sorts, the anger and fear left me. Maybe my hp finally arrived.
I guess I'm trying toreassure you that I think all these feelings your going thru will work them selves out if you continue to read and research and question and work on your self. I never thought I would start to feel better, but I can see a light at the end of the tunnel and the dread I felt is now turning into excitment for my future and the journey ahead. I'm not even afraid of what will happen financially to me when this is all said and done. I know I can handle what ever it is. Minute by minute and day by day. Breathe and in time, I hope peace comes your way and my way. hugs

freeflower

I shut down emotionally too. My family all noticed and thought it was because my mother was dying from cancer and the helplesness of that was so over whelming. I liken it to the feeling I was having when I knew my marrage was over but I stayed. It was easier not to feel anything, especially out loud so I kept it in.
I'm a huge fan now of feeling your feelings. It can only help.

Barbara52

I used to frequently experience what I termed free floating guilt. I would feel such dread, responsibility, fear. I have come to understand that for me it was a symptom of codependency and of being raised in an alcoholic family. Way too often I took on ownership of problems/situations/whatever, often not really specified in any manner, simple because that was what my life led me to want. Responsibility equated to control in my mind. Of course neither the responsibility nor the control actually existed.

I have found that as I have come to understand the effects of my childhood better, those feelings of free floating guilt and fear has gradually lessened. On the now rare occasions when they hit, I ackowledge the feelings and let them go. I don't drive myself nuts anymore trying to figure out why they are happening since they are never connected to reality really. I think of them now as a sort of codie hangover.

bookwyrm

someone pass me the aspirin...

Still Waters

Panic attack? Those create a feeling if impending doom and fear in you.

GiveLove

Bookwyrm,

The antidote to fear for me was always engagement with other people. Well, after I figured out what I was most afraid of! I know this is a pajama day, but if you have a chance to connect with other people (hopefully healthy people!!) it might help plug you back into the main current of hope and possibility and courage in the world. It's a big, big, big place, and so much happiness out there for the grabbing.

Glad you're here with us! Can we come over and hang out in pajamas with you? Do you have hot cocoa?

GL

Bjen

Nope, your not insane. Just adjusting. I enjoy jammie days now too. Seems like Sunday was my emotional day too.

I made a journal too. I went to the dollar store and bought a binder and some construction paper, writing paper, plastic page covers, dividers and new markers and colors.

It kept it bright and hopeful and fun. So when I did need to write about heavy sad stuff it wasn't so bad or daunting. I also copied things from this sight that helped me and put them in there. Sort of like a scrap book.

Just a suggestion. Try to enjoy your pj day. The bad feelings will go away. I bought a ring with the serenity prayer engraved inside for when I get those feelings. It reminds that it will be ok. Maybe you have something that you can use like that?

bookwyrm

givelove, yeah I have hot cocoa if you want it!

Grab a seat and do what I've been doing, relaxing with a good book that ISN'T about recovery!

I got creative in the kitchen, I did a bit of cleaning, I spoke to friends on the phone and online, I cuddled and generally pestered a few cats and the fear seems to have vanished as the day wore on. I'm not sure if just ignoring it is the way to go and I think I will journal through it next time.

Getting reassurance that this sort of thing is normal here helped a lot so thank you everyone, you're the best!