LizzieBee

Hello everyone,

I am fairly new to this site and when I last posted my boyfriend (and father of my unborn child) and I had split up, I was a mess. I managed to get myself to a stronger place and was beginning to feel ok, not happy but at least calm.
Then he came back in my life, I took him back mainly because of the pregnancy. He admits he is an alcoholic and has tried on a few occasions to stop, he does ok then something triggers his drinking again. At the moment he is in the middle of a new years binge which is apparently my fault.
I am the first to admit I have not treated him lovingly lately, he simply gets on my nerves if he doesn't get his own way he drinks. He seems to have forgotten how much he hurts me and has hurt me, I want to forgive him as we need to move forward. Both as a couple but also individually, I believe I'm hindering his recovery as I'm not supportive I just expect him to fail and hurt me again and again.
I love him and in an attempt to make things work I am currently taking a break, if I stay I will just continue to criticise and resent him.
I am so lost as to how to make it work, I want to forgive him but can't. I want it to work, I'm so confused what can I do?

Mr B

LizzieBee, if you aren't ready to forgive him yet then don't. His drinking is his business - you didn't cause it, you cannot control it, and you cannot cure it. You don't have the control over his drinking to make him stop when he doesn't want to. At the same time, neither do you have the control to make him continue when he wants to stop (unless you're physically holding him down and pouring vodka down his throat). Him saying that it's your fault he's drinking is just an excuse.

Let's look at the reality here and disregard the pointless talk. He's a self-admitted alcoholic who's still drinking. I think you taking a break is an excellent idea. You're pregnant, for both your sake and your unborn child's sake you need as much calm and as little stress as possible. If that means you have to walk away to protect yourself, then that doesn't sound like a bad thing to me. Just do it for yourself rather than any fanciful notion about you hindering his recovery. You don't have that power.

As for making it work... If he continues drinking, do you think you have any hope of it working? I've been through raising kids in a home that's got a drunk in it and, believe me, it's no fun.

Take care,
Mr B.

Barbara52

How can you forgive someone who is continually doing the same things over and over? Forgiveness can come AFTER the intolerable behaviors stop, not during.

SimsplyRuth

...to love yourself.

LizzeeBee.. how well I remember it was [B]always[B]somehow "my fault" that he would drink. He said it was and who was I to disagree with him? Then, one weekend it was my fault because just having had our son I did not clean the house very well. The next week, feeling stronger, I did clean it spotless- and that was his reason for drinking - again "all my fault".

Listen to yourself dear newcomer. I quote "I was a mess. I managed to get myself to a stronger place and was beginning to feel ok, not happy but at least calm."

IOW - you took care of you. What a wonderful habit to get into.

"Then he came back in my life, I took him back mainly because of the pregnancy."

That precious life you are harboring within your body depends upon you being calm and strong - a stressed and chaotic you can hinder the pregnancy. At the least it will transmit anxiety to your little one.

I hope you learn to forgive him in time. Not forget, not accept the hurtful behavior- but forgive. Because- then you can release the pain and your anger will not remain inside to harden and change the person you are meant to be into someone who is bitter. That is what happened to me.

Today I am truly serene, happy, at peace - and the kind, caring person I was meant to be once again. And he is happily still getting drunk and in a new marriage. It was not easy- and I waited for many years to end the relationship, always "hoping". But I was finally able to love him from a distance and learn to love myself.

F2F Al-Anon meetings if possible would help you to choose what path is right for you today ... my first year I would tell my group I had made him leave- and they said "good, we love you" - and the next week I would announce I had let him come home- and they said "good, we love you."

Just remember that whatever you decide- make it the decision that is best for you today, not for him.

btw- you do not hinder his recovery... no one could hinder the recovery of one who wants it- nor could anyone aid in a person getting recovery if the person does not want it.

Thank you for letting me share