Going Back

Old 01-02-2009, 12:49 AM
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Going Back

I posted this under Friends and Family of Alcoholics and Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. I hope that is alright; my xABF falls under both headings.

Several years ago I left my xABF and went to another country to live and work. Seven years have passed. In that time my xbf visited me twice. Both trips were paid for by his family. Neither trip was requested by me. Both visits ended with him drunk and out of his mind on drugs/alcohol.

The last time he was here I had to have him put into a mental hospital, in lock down, by the police. Once he left that situation, he immediately started drinking/drugging again, and I had to have him arrested, placed in a holding cell for a week, and deported. He was banned from the country for a year.

My front door still has his shoe imprints embedded in it from when he wanted to "talk" to me: Let me IN Let me IN Let me IN...all the while kicking the door almost off it's hinges.

Next month I'm going back to my home country, and he knows it. I'm afraid his life will become my problem again. I want to be near my family and friends, and feel I've been in exile long enough. I don't want to move far away from my home town, just to avoid him.

I don't love him any longer. It won't bother me to see him again, as I have no desire to have a relationship with him. This is the truth. I want good things for him. I hope he sees the light and begins long term recovery, but I don't ever want to be with him again. Thankfully, trying to be in a relationship with him is not my problem, and if it were, I'd stay in exile a few years longer.

I just hope I'm strong enough to avoid getting roped into his ups and downs again. I'm still close with his family and don't want to cut all contact with them and mutual friends because of his drunken moments.

Has anyone managed to be "just friends" with an XAB?

Is it possible? Can it be done?
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Old 01-02-2009, 03:55 AM
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Hideon, I must say that I am somewhat confused by your post. On the one hand you say you don't really want to have anything more to do with him and, considering what he's done, I'd say that's a very wise decision. He sounds truly dangerous. But then you ask if you can be "just friends" with him. Why the desire to still try to maintain a friendship with someone who brings such chaos and drama into your life?

For what it's worth, I'm not friends with my AXGF. I find the less contact I have with her, the better and calmer my life is. Anyway, the people I regard as my friends don't treat me the way she's treated me. That being said, I have to have some dealings with her as we have children together so I do work at being polite but business-like when interacting with her. If it wasn't for the kids, I doubt I'd ever speak to her again.

There's no reason why it has to be impossible to be "just friends" with an alcoholic ex. But I would say that such a situation would require both people to want it. Whatever your ex might say, his actions suggest that he would want more than just polite friendship.

I'll be honest; if I was faced with someone like your ex and his violent outbursts, I'd be considering restraining orders rather than friendship.

Take care,
Mr B.
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Old 01-02-2009, 04:50 AM
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I'm not thinking "just friends"... I'm thinking restraining order...

Why bring this back into my life, in any capacity, is what I would be asking myself.

Where would his foot imprints land next?
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Old 01-02-2009, 05:58 AM
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I too thought first of restraining order to make sure he doesn't re-enter your life.

What would you get out of this "friendship?" What are your motivations?

For me afriendship means I am on equal footing with the other person, that we can contribute equally to the relationship, that we both get something out of the relationship that is good and healthy and fun. I don't see getting any of that out of a friendship with my xAH. I don't see where you would be getting any of that out of friendship with your xABF.
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Old 01-02-2009, 06:45 AM
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A very good question. What joy will this friendship bring to your life? Any at all? Who are you trying to please by trying to be "just friends" ? (I could not fathom having such a friend, myself, but...)
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Old 01-02-2009, 10:22 AM
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Hikeon,
His family paid for the unrequested visits and you want to be close with them.

I can't know all the details but this relationship with his family does not sound like a fundamentally healthy friendship. You cannot safely be close to him but they seem to want him to be close to you. It is just a guess on my part but they seem to be enabling his addiction - alot. And possibly endangering your sanity (if not your safety).

I am not suggesting cutting off contact with these mutual friends/family of exABF, but it looks like you have to set boundaries with those people too.

I've lived abroad for a few years. It was really great. It was amusing, sometimes a little annoying, being volunteered as the 'defender/explainer/apologist/fortune teller' (the DEAF) of US politics (and that was in the Clinton years). I hope your experience went well (apart from aforesaid situation). Happy early chinese new year.
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