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Old 01-01-2009, 10:21 AM
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Need hugs

The last week has been hell! Gee, and I thought I had problems when the AXSO was in my life fulltime. Now my son has once again put me through hell this week. J has had emotional problems for years and I have tried everything. He refuses to talk to any therapists. He has been on meds for Bipolar for the last few years. I don't think he is taking them any longer. He basically failed his first semester in college (it's local). So now we are trying to figure out the next step. My ex husband and I thought we had gotten thru to him and he was going to take a lighter class load in the spring as well as get some social and life skill counseling. After the weekend, he went ape and refused to make any phone calls and it ended up being a stomp up the stairs with him screaming he doesn't need any f-in counseling, leave me the f alone and he's not taking his f-in meds. It hasn't gotten much better in the last 2 days. He is 18. He needs to take the next step since his father and I can no longer do that for him. I'm also afraid that pot might be in the mix but if I confront him with it, it will only make things worse right now.

I spent last night sitting in front of the tree crying for 3 hours. I can't do it anymore. I feel like I am ready to crack bigtime.............

I just need some hugs.........

Love,
Doreen
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Old 01-01-2009, 10:55 AM
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(((Hugs to you)))

The path will come clear over time.
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:00 AM
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Doreen, sending you big hugs this morning.

Not being a mom, I don't have any good answers for you, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you. I know there are lots of parents on the Friends & Family of Substance Abusers forum; you may also find some very kind support and other ideas over there.

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Old 01-01-2009, 11:05 AM
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Big hugs to you.

I'm curious (or nosy), does he have any thoughts about his future?
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:07 AM
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I am sorry you are going through this. I am sending lots of cyber support!
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Old 01-01-2009, 11:26 AM
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Still Waters ---

He says he wants to go to college because he wants a good job and he knows he needs at least a 2 years degree.......but I don't think he has any idea what he wants to do. He started the first semester in liberal arts and then changed to Radio and Television Production --- he did that in HS and really enjoyed it. Two weeks ago he told his father he wanted to start his own business and that's fine but he has no business background. So they go to the college and try to enroll him in business courses. I take a look at that schedule and ask how he expects to do well in business when he couldnt pass freshman seminar (not in those words). So we regroup and say how about you take only 2 or so classes in the liberal arts core curriculum. Since he will need the core courses in any major that he decides on. I think that is still the plan but he and I need to sit down by the end of the weekend and figure out what classes he will take........definitely Freshman English since he didn't pass that. Also thought a gym class might be good. I also told him he needs to make a decision on whether or not he even wants to go to school now. The big problem is that he does not communicate. We didn't know he was failing until December. He refuses to accept any help from anyone. And since he is 18, we cannot force the issue.

Are there any forums like this that help to deal with teens???????? Especially 18 year olds?

Dor
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Old 01-01-2009, 12:51 PM
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hugs to you (((((dor)))))
I don't know you or your son but it seems he is not ready to go to school full time. He needs a challenge, but just not the school kind of challenge.
A lot of kids are taking a year off before college to work/get experience/figure out what they want to do. Even if he takes a routine job, he can use volunteering to get some exposure/experience to different jobs. In this economy a radio station may look favorably on volunteer help. And he has (?) done some media work in HS.
Again, I don't know your situation, but if there is another adult (teacher, uncle, coach) whom he respects you may have that person talk to him. Sometimes a message from a 'third party' (not the parent) gets through better.
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Old 01-01-2009, 02:13 PM
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Sometimes a message from a 'third party' (not the parent) gets through better.
It did for me. My folks could advise me and map everything out for me until they were blue in the face, and it just made me mad "they were trying to control me" and "they didn't know what they were talking about." But my aunt Stella could tell me my calling was to go load turnip trucks and I would be packing my knapsack.

He may not be ready for school yet. It's happening more and more, and it's good for many kids. And by the way, if he's talking about wanting to start his own business, that a GOOD thing I would not discourage. He doesn't need an MBA or even good grades, he just needs something he's passionate enough about to learn-as-he-goes, and some resources to call on if he gets stuck. I have no degree, I've had exactly one business class that I barely passed, and my business has been successful for more than ten years. What this might take is a leap of faith on your parts to let him try and fail and get back up and try again.

Good luck dor
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Old 01-01-2009, 02:37 PM
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(((((Dor)))))

I'm sorry you are going through this.

There are some things about Bi-Polar I can share with you. Why, because I am one, and apparently have been ALL MY LIFE, but didn't find it out until I was over 9 years sober and clean.

Bi Polar meds can SUCK until the individual with the help of a 'qualified' Psych Dr do some 'trial and error' to find which one or ones work best for that individual without making them feel worse, or letharic (in depression all the time) or hyped up (in manic mode all the time) and it can take time, lots of time just to do that. Then there is the other problem.............................how we 'think' and process information.

Bi Polars do think differently. No he doesn't want counseling right now, he's fed up. Yep he may be using some substance to 'self medicate.' What you can do about it, now that he is 18, I have NO idea.

He may have to stay miserable for a few years before he really WANTS to get help.

All you are saying about what YOU think HE should do is great. However, he's not on the same page.

If it were me, and yes I did this with two of my kids, I told them that whatever courses they took, they also better find a job, because I was NOT footing the bill and they better make sure they planned it so they had time to work and take classes. Then I left the room and waited.......................................with one child it took him 2 weeks to come back to talk about it, with the other one, it only took her 6 days.

I know you LOVE YOUR SON. I know you WANT WHAT IS BEST FOR HIM. However, he is 18 and is in the 'mode' of "I'm an adult and I'll do what I damn well please." So, okay, now once again it is boundary setting time.

I know this is hard, and I am sure there are more moms on here, younger than me, lol who will share how they are or have handled similar with their young adults.

You know the thing that really 'pi**ed' me off when I first became a mother?

THEY DIDN'T COME WITH AN INSTRUCTION MANUAL. Dang, it seems like raising children is all "trial and error" because what worked with one, doesn't work with the next one, lol I still think the only reason we have kids is that someday we get grandkids and that's when it becomes FUN. roflmao Now I get to 'spoil' them and then send them back to their folks, tee hee

J M H O

Dor, please keep posting let us know how YOU are doing, you know we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
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Old 01-01-2009, 06:06 PM
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Dor,
Alateen is a good resource too, if he hasn't already tried it. Again, a 3rd party may be the best to make that suggestion.
Givelove and Laurie are right - you have to let him make his own path - stumbles, slips, successes, and everything else. He knows you care and that counts for alot.
And Happy New Year. Don't forget to focus on yourself - you deserve that much.
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Old 01-01-2009, 06:23 PM
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laurie,

Great advice, I can't add anything to that.
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