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I got sober, He didn't

Old 12-31-2008, 06:23 PM
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I got sober, He didn't

I am new to this forum but have been on this board for a little while in new to recovery forums.

I feel I not only need support for my sobriety but also to deal with the fact that my partner and child's father is still drinking. I entered treatment in August (outpatient) and he continued to drink. He would just go out all day and come home and pass out. He would lie his you know what off about his whereabouts. I was strong for a while. I can only control myself...but as time went on I ended up relapsing (30 days ago) and hsi dysfunctional family came down on me really hard. It was not easy to pull it together when being treated so unfairly but I did it.

Tonight is New Years Eve and he has told me he is going to work, yet he left very early for his shift and I know he is probably going out. This man chooses alcohol over his family. Each weekend he stumbles in arounf 8 and passes out. He feels this is his relaxatin and he deserves it and I am a stay at home mom so I am lucky to have what I have yada yada.

Can someone be in recovery and also be in Al-anon? I know I need my AA buddies but they do not need to hear about his drama when I need to work on myself..I am just hurt and confused and shellshocked that someone could be so callous. He gets extremely annoyed when I talk about recovery.

I know that step one is to become employed and start feeling some independence..step 2??

Thanks for listening.
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Old 12-31-2008, 06:41 PM
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Yes, one can be sober and attend Alanon

We are known in the "parlance" as double winners and we are common.

I know that step one is to become employed and start feeling some independence
1.) We admitted we were powerless over alcohol--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am powerless over alcohol, it doesn't matter who's drinking it

I am powerless over anything I give my power to, that includes alcoholic family members, I am powerless over everything except my own recovery frankly

Step One is admitting defeat

I can't
He Can
Why don't I let him

steps one, two and three

We had a new Employer. Being all powerful, He provided what we needed, if we kept close to Him and performed His work well.
that's from "The Promises" from Step Three

You have your work cut out for you, and I applaud you, of course you will not receive support from a practicing alcoholic or their "support system" , sick people find others "getting healthy" very very threatening, it shines a light on them and their actions.

It was my experience actually that I was "punished" for getting healthy

Jack Kornfield tells a story, My family hated the fact I was a Buddhist, but loved me when I was a "Buddha", sobriety was like that for me

For me, I put my sobriety absolutely first, but having learned that codependency "took me out" it is now part of my "recovery"

I hate to do this, but I am going to make a "suggestion" I sincerely apologize, but is it possible to find a sponsor in AA that is a "double winner" as well?

Try to attend 90 in 90, maybe try to find some "newcomer" meetings and raise your hand and say you need help both to stay sober and state you are looking for someone with experience both with alanon and sobriety to help you

I know I need my AA buddies but they do not need to hear about his drama when I need to work on myself
That is working on yourself, relationships take out alcoholics daily, they will love to support you

Get help, work the steps, you are worth it, and I had to look outside my "alcoholic family model" to get support.

bb quote 1st ed et al
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Old 12-31-2008, 07:31 PM
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Thank yo so much! I appreciate all of this information more then you know and I am sure others do to.

I am familiar with Jack Kornfield and his workshops at Omega in Rhinebeck NY. Very cool.

Thanks again very much for your help
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