posted on wrong forum- "now I know she wants to die"
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 70
posted on wrong forum- "now I know she wants to die"
This will be fairly long, sorry.
I have a girlfriend named A who I have been very close friends with for over 15 years, we grew up together. A is a gifted and talented person. She is beautiful, an incredible artist and writer, a college graduate, a mentally ill alcoholic. Mental illness has haunted her for a decade. She has had 3 suicide attempts (one serious as a teenager). The attempts seem to be linked with a) alcohol abuse and b) relationships with men. A's father was an alcoholic, and while not physically abusive to his children was not the person they needed. I refer to her family as "the who's who in mental illness", not to be funny, but it is apt description of the extremely dysfunctional situation these guys live in.
For several years A did wonderfully, broke the pattern it seemed. Graduated with honors from a great school with a degree in english literature, had a wonderful, stable boyfriend of seven years, trying to decide whether to go for a masters or consider teaching for a bit, or start writing. This was 6 years ago. But something happened, something changed for A. She quit her job without notice and started working at a bar, she quit her meds and attempted suicide again (in hidsight this was more a cry for help cutting incident), she cheated on her boyfriend with her 20 years older boss at the bar, she flipped her car in broad daylight with a BAC of .20. Their relationship ended. Now we know that he had been finding the beer cans hidden under the porch, in the bottom of the trash can, in her trunk for months and never told anyone, nobody.
This beautiful girl became a self-abusive, depressed alcoholic before our eyes.
A met a man one day at work at the bar and was immediately head-over-heels in love. He gave the rest of us the instant creeps. He stares through you when he looks at you, and his sense of humor...disturbing to say the least. Belittling, emotionaly abusive, referred to her once in my presence as "his child". Also an alcoholic, kicked out of the army, floating between a job and ghetto apt in Charlotte and his dad's spare trailor in Salisbury. He took her to Salisbury with no phone, no car. Isolated her. Hates her friends (as we hate him). Bruises start appearing, lots of weird injuries, explained with "well I was drunk and I fell". Third degree burns from "falling into the fireplace WTF???"
Then oddly it seemed to change, she had color again, she didn't shake anymore. Then last weekend happened.
Please don't get me wrong, we try every day. She has been begged, pleaded with, offered a place to stay, offered anything. Just please get help for your alcoholism, get back on your meds, leave this man!!! She can only cry, say she's trying, say she loves him, say her cats will die, say she can't go to her mom, say she had an interview last week...
Last weekend was my annual party.The five of us that went to junior high, high school, into adulthood and husbands and babies together do it every year. Best friends, the ones we need and want our whole lives. A is invited, A is always invited. Husbands, boyfriends, kids, all are welcome. We have great time, but R (the boyfriend) begins getting creepy at some point, making us all uncomfortable with his sick jokes and strange behavior as he drinks more and more and more. At 1:00 it has winded down to my hubby, my sis and her hubby, thier roomate, and A and R, so I head to bed. A and R are staying at sister's around the corner, to get a ride home to Salisbury in the morning. At 5:30 am my dog goes nuts barking. I've never heard her sound like this in the 3 years I've had her, she sounded bloodthirsty and scared. The phone starts ringing, there is someone pounding on the door!!! Phone is closest, it is my sister "do not let him in, DO NOT LET HIM IN!, he's insane!"
Pound pound pound!!!! Mrsmurph!!!!! Pound pound pound ring ring ring!!!!
We head downstairs. At my back door is man with blood on his face, he looks through the glass and snarls at me "Let me in you stupid b!" I scream for them to get away, that I'm calling the cops in 30 seconds if they don't leave. They leave, I go upstairs and look out the window. They are in the yard, A and R. She has a trash bag with her worldly possesions, he a laundry hamper. He pushes her down, I scream to them I am calling the cops. They run, leaving everything in my backyard. I don't know where they went, I have their stuff still. There is puke in the laundry hamper, I put it in the shed.
Long story short, At sis's he lost it, tried to beat everyone up, tried to push A down the stairs, was physically ejected. A chose to leave with him.
My heart cries for her, for all of us. It's over. I guess I will go to her funeral soon...
I am an alcoholic, 54 days sober, expecting my first baby, sober for us
I have a girlfriend named A who I have been very close friends with for over 15 years, we grew up together. A is a gifted and talented person. She is beautiful, an incredible artist and writer, a college graduate, a mentally ill alcoholic. Mental illness has haunted her for a decade. She has had 3 suicide attempts (one serious as a teenager). The attempts seem to be linked with a) alcohol abuse and b) relationships with men. A's father was an alcoholic, and while not physically abusive to his children was not the person they needed. I refer to her family as "the who's who in mental illness", not to be funny, but it is apt description of the extremely dysfunctional situation these guys live in.
For several years A did wonderfully, broke the pattern it seemed. Graduated with honors from a great school with a degree in english literature, had a wonderful, stable boyfriend of seven years, trying to decide whether to go for a masters or consider teaching for a bit, or start writing. This was 6 years ago. But something happened, something changed for A. She quit her job without notice and started working at a bar, she quit her meds and attempted suicide again (in hidsight this was more a cry for help cutting incident), she cheated on her boyfriend with her 20 years older boss at the bar, she flipped her car in broad daylight with a BAC of .20. Their relationship ended. Now we know that he had been finding the beer cans hidden under the porch, in the bottom of the trash can, in her trunk for months and never told anyone, nobody.
This beautiful girl became a self-abusive, depressed alcoholic before our eyes.
A met a man one day at work at the bar and was immediately head-over-heels in love. He gave the rest of us the instant creeps. He stares through you when he looks at you, and his sense of humor...disturbing to say the least. Belittling, emotionaly abusive, referred to her once in my presence as "his child". Also an alcoholic, kicked out of the army, floating between a job and ghetto apt in Charlotte and his dad's spare trailor in Salisbury. He took her to Salisbury with no phone, no car. Isolated her. Hates her friends (as we hate him). Bruises start appearing, lots of weird injuries, explained with "well I was drunk and I fell". Third degree burns from "falling into the fireplace WTF???"
Then oddly it seemed to change, she had color again, she didn't shake anymore. Then last weekend happened.
Please don't get me wrong, we try every day. She has been begged, pleaded with, offered a place to stay, offered anything. Just please get help for your alcoholism, get back on your meds, leave this man!!! She can only cry, say she's trying, say she loves him, say her cats will die, say she can't go to her mom, say she had an interview last week...
Last weekend was my annual party.The five of us that went to junior high, high school, into adulthood and husbands and babies together do it every year. Best friends, the ones we need and want our whole lives. A is invited, A is always invited. Husbands, boyfriends, kids, all are welcome. We have great time, but R (the boyfriend) begins getting creepy at some point, making us all uncomfortable with his sick jokes and strange behavior as he drinks more and more and more. At 1:00 it has winded down to my hubby, my sis and her hubby, thier roomate, and A and R, so I head to bed. A and R are staying at sister's around the corner, to get a ride home to Salisbury in the morning. At 5:30 am my dog goes nuts barking. I've never heard her sound like this in the 3 years I've had her, she sounded bloodthirsty and scared. The phone starts ringing, there is someone pounding on the door!!! Phone is closest, it is my sister "do not let him in, DO NOT LET HIM IN!, he's insane!"
Pound pound pound!!!! Mrsmurph!!!!! Pound pound pound ring ring ring!!!!
We head downstairs. At my back door is man with blood on his face, he looks through the glass and snarls at me "Let me in you stupid b!" I scream for them to get away, that I'm calling the cops in 30 seconds if they don't leave. They leave, I go upstairs and look out the window. They are in the yard, A and R. She has a trash bag with her worldly possesions, he a laundry hamper. He pushes her down, I scream to them I am calling the cops. They run, leaving everything in my backyard. I don't know where they went, I have their stuff still. There is puke in the laundry hamper, I put it in the shed.
Long story short, At sis's he lost it, tried to beat everyone up, tried to push A down the stairs, was physically ejected. A chose to leave with him.
My heart cries for her, for all of us. It's over. I guess I will go to her funeral soon...
I am an alcoholic, 54 days sober, expecting my first baby, sober for us
Last edited by mrsmurph; 01-02-2009 at 07:08 AM. Reason: oops
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,698
Heartbreaking.
I really feel for you, for the pain of watching someone you love self-destruct.
I've felt that pain, too.
It's so difficult when you realize that the alcoholic is deaf to your pleas, your reason, your concern. Her needs are being met by this dysfunctional relationship - she can't see her way out of it. How frustrating to be unable to show her the way!
Having said that, you may want to think about what the stress of your relationship with your friend is doing to you. You are pregnant. You are newly sober. The drama and chaos of this friendship may be incredibly detrimental to you and your unborn child.
I'm trying to learn that loving someone doesn't mean sacrificing myself for them. I can be kind and loving without having a front-row seat for the dysfunction. I don't have to invite them to the party if their presence (or the presence of their guest) is a negative experience.
Best of luck to you!
Take care of yourself!
-TC
I really feel for you, for the pain of watching someone you love self-destruct.
I've felt that pain, too.
It's so difficult when you realize that the alcoholic is deaf to your pleas, your reason, your concern. Her needs are being met by this dysfunctional relationship - she can't see her way out of it. How frustrating to be unable to show her the way!
Having said that, you may want to think about what the stress of your relationship with your friend is doing to you. You are pregnant. You are newly sober. The drama and chaos of this friendship may be incredibly detrimental to you and your unborn child.
I'm trying to learn that loving someone doesn't mean sacrificing myself for them. I can be kind and loving without having a front-row seat for the dysfunction. I don't have to invite them to the party if their presence (or the presence of their guest) is a negative experience.
Best of luck to you!
Take care of yourself!
-TC
Stronger than yesterday...
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Texas
Posts: 118
Oh my! My heart is pounding after reading your story. I am so sorry for all of you. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you. I'm sure that other folks will. 54 days is great! Congrats! Prayers coming your way for you, your baby and your friend.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I tried everything humanly possible to help my alcoholic boyfriend, but he was hell bent on drinking himself to death. Eventually he did just that. I watched him slowly self-destruct until nearly the end of his life. It nearly killed me as well, emotionally and physically.
Today, I still bear the emotional and physical scars (a failing heart) as a result of my entanglement with an end-stage alcoholic. I don't recommend that you follow in my footsteps. The best thing I ever did for myself was to end all contact with my boyfriend, emotionally and physically. Otherwise his disease would have had two victims.
I know how you feel and how badly you want to help, but there is truly nothing you can do at this point to help her. She is in her HP's hands now.
Today, I still bear the emotional and physical scars (a failing heart) as a result of my entanglement with an end-stage alcoholic. I don't recommend that you follow in my footsteps. The best thing I ever did for myself was to end all contact with my boyfriend, emotionally and physically. Otherwise his disease would have had two victims.
I know how you feel and how badly you want to help, but there is truly nothing you can do at this point to help her. She is in her HP's hands now.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Thanks for giving us more insight(an inside look) at tragedy.
my aw left our family life(an enviable one at that) and new friends that you would call "creepy" became her mantra. your story has elements of my story, and probably everyones stories on this forum.
god bless
my aw left our family life(an enviable one at that) and new friends that you would call "creepy" became her mantra. your story has elements of my story, and probably everyones stories on this forum.
god bless
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