JustMeInWI

I'm stealing this quote from another thread because it meant so much to me. I've journalled it as well, because I need to grasp this and work through it in my heart. But this is my exact problem. And I know it's not my job to get others to understand where I'm at, but when they question me to my face?

The hardest part is when (stbX) RAH is pushing me with an answer to "Why divorce?". When he keeps telling me how much my choice is hurting him. When he keeps telling me that my filing for divorce is hurting his family and my family.

I believe God is big and He can work miracles... but stbXRAH and I are so different. I'm no longer the codependent I was, and those characteristics that I haven't shed yet, I am working on getting rid of. I don't want to go back into a relationship where I will be expected to do the things I did before. Live the way I did before. Be miserable and resentful like I always was before. I'm done being a doormat.

I want "the dream", not him. I want to be with someone who has similar dreams and goals as I do - not someone I have to "drag along for the ride". I've been trying to make him into the dream for so long, and this separation (while awaiting final divorce) has helped me see who he really is and who I really am and what I really want - that is, not the 'current' (i.e. REAL) him.

Is there an healthy/good way to tell your husband, "You're not right for me anymore?" and how do you accept that he won't/doesn't want to understand your answer, nor will your family?

???????

RobinsFly

You may have just answered your question here. I think focusing on what YOU need is incredibly healthy, and honest. But, saying it is gut-wrenching and hard. It would be nice if he understood, but you cannot expect him to.

As a counselor recently told me, when relationships end it is usually not mutual. One person decides she/he needs to move on -- for whatever reason. Sometimes I think saying those words (you're not right for me anymore) is the hardest thing you'll ever do.

I'm in a very similar situation right now. I'm thinking that AH and I are no longer matched well, but I'm trying to sit with my uncertainty.

Astro

I think you said it pretty well and it's simple enough, but having been on the receiving end of those exact words a few years ago, it was pretty hard for me to understand.

In early recovery I just couldn't accept the fact that I'd finally pushed things too far. It's taken me years to understand that she'd hit the point where enough was enough, she was done with me and wanted to move on with her life and be with someone else.

Like RobinsFly shared, the ending of a relationship is rarely a mutual thing. But I can honestly say now that it was the best thing for both of us, I just couldn't see it at the time.

Still Waters

I'm not even sure about the "matched set" idea. In my case I was matched with a lie, delusions that I believed (I wanted to believe).

None of it was real anyway.

LaTeeDa

I told mine "I can't do this anymore, I'm done." He didn't take it well. Begged, pleaded for me to reconsider. Wrote me a "love letter" asking why I was doing this "to him." I read that letter a couple of months ago with fresh eyes. At the time he wrote it and gave it to me, it tore my heart out. When I read it two years later, it was so clear to me that it was all about him. What was he going to do without me? How could I be so mean to him? Why was I doing this to him? Wow. I knew that one of the reasons I couldn't be happy with him was his selfishness, but I don't think I ever realized just how selfish he really was until the day I re-read that letter.

I still don't know if he understands my reasons for divorcing him, but he has accepted it. As far as my family, his family, mutual friends, etc., I don't worry too much about justifying my decision to them. Those who love me know that I am the only one who knows what's best for me. The others, well.........pffffffft. It's my life, after all.

L

GiveLove

Hugs to you, justme. There's no easy way to do this - I found that limiting contact with the people who kept pressuring me for different answers was the easiest. They aren't GOING to get it, why keep sticking my hand on that hot stove? The way I see it, if God has other plans for you, it's not up to your AH, his family, your family, or anyone else to second-guess Him.

Barbara52

First off, congrats on such an important breakthrough! THis is a big one and will allow you to begin looking forward to your new and better life. What comes next is the usual stuff that goes along with a divorce. Unpleasant but normal.

When I realized my first marriage was dead, that is basically what I told him. I had no real hard feeling toward him. He had none toward me (then at any rate). We had grown in different directions and the marriage was no more. Heck we even managed to get the divorce with only one attorney to do the paper work and remained civil.

With my xAH, now that I think of it I said basically the same thing. I said I was done with him, his alcoholism and his willfull unemployment and that I wanted a divorce. I then went no contact so that I sisn't ahve to listen to the whining. And he moved on to another woman within 2 months. Obviously he wasn't that much in love with me.

Don't anticipate trouble. If it comes along you will deal with it. Don't worry what he says, what his family says, what your family says. You are doing this becaue you know its what's best for you (and your RAH too really). Accept that what they say/think/feel is not your problem or your responsibility. They do not have to understand any more than you have to understand what they all think/say/feel.

FormerDoormat

I never got married nor did I ever aspire to be a wife. I never felt that I needed a man to complete me. I never felt like half a person when I was between relationships or more whole when I was in one. I never felt like I was part of a matched set. But I did try to mold my exAB into something that he wasn't. And that was wrong of me.

For a long time I blamed him for short changing me and I believed that he was the cause of all my woe. But he was just being who he was and true to himself. So for that reason, I don't think it's fair to blame a partner who wasn't able to live up to my expectations of him. I created a fantasy world for myself and impossible expectations for him. His only downfall was that he couldn't live up to my dreams and didn't fit into my magical thinking. Frankly, I don't think anyone could have filled that role.

I think the kindest thing for me to do would have been to simply say I'm moving on, it's not your fault, and I wish you well. But I was in a different place back then and I didn't have all the knowledge and skills that I have now. Looking back, I wish I'd ended things differently--with compassion and kindness instead of with resentment and accusation. But I did the best I could with the tools I had at hand at the time and I've forgiven myself for my shortcomings. When I know better, I do better.

It's too late for me to say I'm sorry now, but it's never too late to change.

LaTeeDa

The original post referring to "matched set" was in the context of a discussion about Harville Hendrix' "Getting the Love You Want." (Great book, btw) But in that context, what I meant by "matched set" was akin to something my friend Minnie once said--

"The horns on his head fit perfectly the holes in mine." In other words, we both had dysfunctional traits that attracted us to each other. When I began to address those traits in myself, the attraction began to wane.

L

FormerDoormat

That makes sense. I miss Minnie.

LaTeeDa

Me, too.

embraced2000

miss minnie, too.
justme....i agree that keeping it simple, short, and to the point is the best way to go for all concerned. escpecially for you.

JustMeInWI

You are so very right. It IS me who's changed. It's me who is not right for him anymore, not vice-versa. Honestly, it's me who was never right for him to begin with. I think deep down I knew that, but I was so happy just having someone "in love with" me that I didn't want to lose it. I "made sacrifices" to be with someone I wasn't right for, changed myself to be what he wanted or who I thought he needed - and expected him to do the same for me. *ick* I really do just want to be me again, and I don't want to pretend to be someone else for him - and don't want to impose that he try to be someone he is not for me. Not fair to either of us...

So SO right. I KNOW God has plans for me and my life. Always has. I've just willingly turned my back on Him and decided to do things my way for a while. If this isn't a perfect testament to why that is SUCH a bad idea, I don't know what is. I've only proven how well I am able to screw my life up (and others as well)...

Thank you FD. You really touched my heart with your words. And I want to learn from you and end this with compassion and kindness instead of resentment and accusation. I SO want him to know that I really do mean for his best as well as mine, and that I don't think I can be the one to give him "the best" he deserves (anymore than I feel that he can for me). I don't want to try to make him be someone he is not. He needs to be true to himself just as I am beginning to be true to myself.

This has been RAH's tactic since the day he found out I filed for divorce. And every time we've spoken, or he's emailed, or texted me, or left me voicemails, he always comes back to his "Me, me, ME" points. Thanks for sharing that LTD. I was just writing in my journal this morning how so much of what went on in our marriage revolved around him and his "needs" (most of which were really just "wants"), but I never saw it because I thought that was normal. The "wife" is supposed to bend to the will of the "husband" and do whatever he wants/needs anytime because that is her job. I'm learning that BOTH people in ANY relationship should have EQUAL respect and love from the other. None of this lopsided-ness. (I'll be working on family of origin stuff when I start with my new therapist in a week!!!)

To everyone else who posted and shared from your hearts - thank you. Every one of your posts really spoke to me. It helps so much to hear from all of you - and to hear from "both sides" of the relationship. ((((all of you))))

CatsnDogs4Me

Thanks for a great thread! Reading it all reminds me so much of my situation, though AH & I are separated, and I haven't yet decided if things can work or if it's time to make the final break. I am coming to think about things between us just as you described ... I changed to fit what he wanted/needed, and now that I've been on my own & progressing in my own recovery, I'm finally figuring out who I am & how different that is from who I was. It's been quite a journey (and still continues.) I guess I'm hanging in there waiting to see if the new me could fit with him if he truly gets into a recovery program. I'm willing to give the relationship a little more time to see if it can work, but it is sad when you realize what you had isn't what you think you had and may never be what you really want or need.