inahaze

Last night he decided to have a casual talk about nothing really, just chit chat, turn into a more serious talk about us. It was a little interesting really, I just shook my head in agreement, said ok, said I don't know(because really I don't know the answers) and went along.

I learned I'm not loving enough, I don't hug or kiss him enough.

I don't acknowledge him enough when he comes in from work, you know the kids come running to the door excited to see him when he gets in from work.

And he told me he's been really good lately. He makes sure to tell me he helps out with dishes, laundry, watching kids, cooking, etc... Ironically I do the exact same thing and have for YEARS, I just don't throw it in his face because I felt it was part of marriage. It wasn't something you made sure to point out to make yourself feel better, it was just life. I don't need it validated, I just do it.

I sat there a little in amusement at him, and during his conversation was soooo glad I'd posted on this forum. It provided me with the ability to go back and make sure to remind myself that life wasn't nearly as great as he was making himself look. I didn't get to let myself think it's really not that bad or let myself believe it really didn't happen. I HAVE legit reasons for being upset and unhappy, it's not just in my head.

I know this was a total manipulation tactic and I was fine with it. Only because I know I have somewhere to go as soon as my renters are out and that I'm putting money into MY account for moving out. And nope he doesn't know I'm moving, not going too.

Last time he had a clue he told me that HE'D help me move, that anyone else helping me would make him really mad. This time he'll find out by everything being gone.

Last night his conversation involved his beer, him asking me if I were still writing about him(because I shouldn't be after all he pays for everything now and makes sure we have food,etc) and then him telling me we need to be divorced because financially it will be better for us.

Yep, it will be better for me this summer.

lost sue

inahaze, I think your ah is my ah cloned! I have had that conversation too. My kids don't meet him at the door anymore since they have come to see how is really is. We as wives do everything we can to keep our households and get no praise for it. (well not me anyways) but let them wash a dish or clean something and we are to fall at their feet and praise them all to h***! My ah won't do anything for me anymore since it got him nowhere in the bedroom. I guess that was his motive for helping me at all. It is so sad. Well, I just wanted to share that the clone thing is working on here. HAHA I hope your plans work out and I hope to be doing the same as you very soon.
Sue

Jadmack25

How "kind" of him to do all those things and provide the food as well. Does he prepare the meals also, or is that still your domain?
Honestly, if it wasn't so funny comments like those would have us bawling our heads off.
Keep on planning your escape to freedom from his duck shed, and the joy of being in a normal place, YOUR OWN.

God bless

WantsOut

When I kicked my eh AH out he told me I had clearly never loved him because I never knew how much he likes bandanas. Seriously. lol

inahaze

He also said I never listen to him, he's probably right. I got tired of his ramblings a loooong time ago so I tune him out.

I wore something yesterday that I normally don't wear, but heck my other stuff was in the washer. He said something about it and I gave the my other stuff is dirty explanation. I was reminded that I don't wear it for him, that's not my normal attire and I wouldn't wear it for him even if he asked. Again I said my other stuff is dirty. I was then told I just don't really hear him.

lovtolaff

I used to get this kind of crap all the time. To me, it was justification for his drinking/drugging. For example "Look at all the work I do around here and my name isn't even on the deed" - uh well hello - I bought this house 2 years before I even met you and I'm certainly not going to share the deed with an alcoholic/crackhead. DUH.

I called his drinking "productive drinking" b/c he would work his a$$ off every day in the yard doing things "for me", yet he would drink like a fish the whole time. But hey - look at ALL that is getting done right? Yes alot was getting done BUT I had the good fortune of late afternoon rolling around and having to deal with a hateful, spiteful, snippy drunk who had caught a buzz too early and sometimes would want to start looking for a "pick me up" b/c he was too drunk by 5:30 or 6:00. Yuck.

You are right - it's manipulation at it's finest. I called it "crazy making" - constant bickering between us over how I don't appreciate him or appreciate what he is doing for me...blah blah. At first, I used to feel bad b/c I'd think "gosh maybe he's right" (hence the crazy making) and then I got smart and realized that it all came down to him justifying his behavior - our relationship pretty much started going downhill from there.

I'm sorry you even have to listen to that crap.

inahaze

I meant to add in my post...

My mom has custody of my sister's 2 kids, sister is also talking about having a third baby and we think she'll be pregnant in the next 6 months. My sister is a drug addict, 2 kids by 2 daddies, daddy #1 is in jail long term, daddy #2 doesn't acknowledge his baby. My sister has a history of yelling, threatening and making false accusations(some of which were pretty bad). Because of the latter my AH and her do not get along at all.

I've told him that if she has baby #3 that I may end up with it, my parents don't think they could handle a third due to my dad's declining health.

Last night I was told that it bothered him that I was saying I would take said #3 baby if one happens and she loses custody again. That this would be his deal breaker, if I chose to keep my niece/nephew out of child services. That he understood, but he wouldn't stay. He said he wanted a third child and that it was my choice not to have another and he wouldn't raise my sister's child as his, but he understood where I was coming from(by me taking said child).

Mind you she's not pregnant yet, but there's a high likelihood she will be next year. It's just the way she is.

brundle

Our last "talk" was about how I don't give him the time of day. He does nothing but emotionally abuse everyone in the family to the point you don't want to be near him. Then your in trouble for not "being there". He told me he wanted to "work" on our relationship. But that really meant that he was going to continue to be mean, but I was to do what he wanted.

Then he blamed others for the breakdown of our relationship. He might as well have blamed the kitchen sink. I always wonder why he doesn't look in a mirror. He even got all teary eyed over how mean I am to HIM! I walk around afraid to say things because he could hurt me and he is the one crying!

I did learn this is all mental abuse. So your right to just not believe it. I just "yes" him. (Mine also doesn't know I'm getting out) Sometimes it's all just unbelievable!

My thoughts and prayers are with you...

Chrysalis123

My XAH was in a DUI accident and severed a limb. He was fortunate to live and fortunate that he didn't kill or injure anyone else. His tox report showed he was 3X over and had other drugs in his system (although later he claimed that the report was wrong!!). I took care of him for 6 months, drove him every where, took care of our kids and home, walked to work, and had to do horrifying things like change his bandages. I did this all even though I was furious at him but totally clueless about his addiction. I wasn't ready to seek help at that time. Fast forward 7 years and I get injured and need surgery and lengthy recovery. 1 week after my surgery I discover he is having an affair and basically couldn't be bothered to take care of me, because as he said I wasn't supportive of him and he felt a lot of anger toward me.

Emotionally, I felt hit by a truck...devastated would be a good word. Now I know I went into shock and experienced symptoms of Post traumatic Stress and that was my codie bottom and I literally sobbed my way into my first ALAnon meeting. However, once XAH realized I meant business because I kicked him out of the home he wrote me a 6 page single space letter outlining all I had to do in order to save the relationship. I counted over 100 "I" or "me" in his letter.

Oh ya, he also told me I was taking to long to get over it and I was too sensitive and always bringing up the past.

I sure am glad those days are over.

isitme

I can so relate to the majority of posts. We have a lot of crazy making in our house and CRAZY it is MAKING ME.. I think your right though. It's all about justification and putting the blame elsewhere.

Just like the other night he's all ticked at me.. I complain about him just getting ready and leaving to go to the "corner". To tell you the truth.. I don't know where this place is, I don't know if it's called the corner or the corridor.. corder or what the hell he is actually saying. I just know his cousin lives over there and he goes and meets with the guys.. meaning drinks. I bring up how much be goes there and he tells me, "what does that have to do with going to the bar?" I just ended the conversation.. well wouldn't you know this morning I found two recipts on the counter.. one from Sat and one from Sun.. when he was supposed to be "at the corner" Oh yea.. they are both from his favoite bar. He complains about the money he ows to me for paying the bills, but can spend $60 in the bar in two days.. classic!

blessed4x

I'm so glad you have decided to do what you have to do for you. I'm right there with you. I had a list of things that had to come to pass before I was going to "deal with it". So the holidays have come and are going, the passing of my father is imminent, and today I was offered a job that will support me and my kids. Funny how things all come together at just the right time.

As always, my HP has looked out for me, and things will be looking better for me this summer, too. I trust that you are in your HP's loving care as well!

Won't it be nice to be able to offer support from "the other side"!! I can't imagine where I would be without those that have lended me a hand here.

tiredlady2006

I'm so thankful for this post today because you just reminded me why I left!!!! Its amazing how similar all of our AH's are. I would get these talks all the time and I did tune him out... because I was so freaking TIRED of listening to him!

daisyjen

OMG, I couldve written most of these posts. I didny realize we all face such similar issues. Almost laughable. Almost.

LaTeeDa

My husband always wanted praise and recognition for "givens." Just doing what normal people do in a marriage were things he wanted "credit" for. Here is a great thread from the archives about it.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...64-givens.html

L

isitme

LTD- Thanks for posting those... I light of this thread and others I've been on today I think I needed to see that the "good points" I give him really are just givens. What an eye opener.

Barbara52

Amen!

redhot78

Thanks for my best laugh of the day - I just want to know where they're cloning all of these wonderful men in our lives, somebody needs to blow up the factory!

One of my favorite memories of my xah's "helpfulness" was when I came home from church one Sunday to find he was drunk in the backyard, mowing all of the shrubs to the ground with a chainsaw. He even cut a beautiful crepe myrtle tree almost in half because it was "in his way" as he dragged the shrubs over to his truck (which he had pulled into the backyard. The ground was soft due to some rain, so he tore the grass completely up moving it back and forth). After his delightful landscaping efforts, my backyard looked like the apocalypse. No thanks to him, I worked MY butt off and re-landscaped, now the yard looks better than ever!

Even the crepe myrtle recovered!

Cheri

tiredlady2006

I just remembered one time when my husband was being "helpful" to me, I apparently didn't praise him enough and I came home to see him upset because he said he was was stuck at home being my "little B*tch"

The fact that someone thinks its ok to talk to someone like that...who they then say the "love" is really unbelievable. I would never speak that way to him, because for some reason I did love him.

Still Waters

Oh yes.

"You don't treat me like a person in my own home!" Wonder why that is? Why would we avoid you? Never once did he own any of that either. God forbid he take any responsibility for it.

"I tried to tell you X, but you weren't interested in listening." Justification for not telling me anything ever again. I guess those hundreds of prior conversations with an insane drunk had nothing to do with this one he harps on that I wasn't interested in hearing. What.Ever.

"I am not getting a good return on my money by having you treat me like a
nonentity, a nonperson only good enough to fetch your soda and empty
your wastebasket." This is an exact quote. I had asked him once to empty my trash can on his way out. Once. Poor guy.

Insanity - and I'm so grateful I never ever have to deal with it again. Now I need to find a good (free) attorney and a mediator because I have no intention of engaging in his warped view of life again.