Bjen

Well, I just wrote a long post and it disappeared. Let's see if this one makes it.

I haven't written in a long time.

My ex alcoholic boyfriend and I had a 16 year on and off relationship. Finally, we split. He went to jail 2 years ago, got out one year ago and has been sober since. Last spring we talked about getting back together but both decided we didn't want to beat the dead horse anymore. We seem to be better without one another.

I miss his smile, his hugs, his sense of humor and his backwards way of thinking. That's about it. I don't want him back in my life. I love him for being in my life all these years and or bringing his daughter in my life. She lives with me which is strange to some but her mom and I are good friends and Kim and I have been close since she was 6, she is now 19 and chooses to stay here. I am thankful for her.

Her and her dad don't talk much. He doesn't help her alot. He doesn't keep a job or have his responsibilities straight, or have much integrity at all.

We respectfully leave one another alone. Both of our lives are better without each other in it. That is sad but true. He is sober, I am safe.

My question is, how do I get him out of my head? Seems like everything reminds me of him. A scent, a song a movie. It is so irritating. Like a stupid song stuck in your head that you don't realize your singing until you pay attention.

My friends say it normal to not forget someone you loved. OK fine but seriously. I find myself thinking of him so often. Whether it is something good or bad. Is it because it was normal to have him around for so long and its a void now?

What do you guys think? It drives me nuts!! I got other things to think about!!

lovtolaff

Well when you find out how to do this could you let me know too?

Seriously though - I was only with my xabf for 2 years and we've been broken up for only 6 months but he is in my head constantly. I KNOW that I could NEVER take him back - for one - he is NOT sober and does not think he has a drinking problem. Secondly, he also uses other drugs besides alcohol.

A relationship with him is not healthy for me and I know that yet here I am constantly thinking about all the GOOD in him that I miss. Yes I loved him but I don't want him taking up space in my head and heart anymore.

I guess it probably comes down to the ol saying "time heals". I'm not sure but I wish it would hurry up.

So as you can see I don't have any real advice but I wanted you to know that you are NOT alone.

Big hugs to you.

genrs123

wow. first, i am thankful that you got to a place where you think youre better off without one another. i have accepted that i "shouldnt" date my x-alcoholic/addict boyfriend, but... i havent really come to the conclusion that this is the best thing ever.
or even the best thing at all.

and lik you everything reminds me of him. as far as thoughts, someone recommended a rubber band on the wrist that you slap, to get out of it.
another meeting said wiggle your toes to get into the present.
my therapist thinks i should set aside a set time to think about him, and then other times i should push it out and remind myself to think of it at the appropriate time.

i have had an obsessive personality my entire life, and years of therapy honestly did not help TREAT this. from my experience, finding something else ENGAGING to think about will replace it. if you are not inspired, go to the library and see if you can find some more engaging material there. even if youre not interested (yet) in whatever it is.

you have to really stretch your mind so old thoughts leave and new ones enter. try a hobby, be constantly be making your mind work in new ways!!!!!!!!!! this is the KEY.

GiveLove

For me, all I can say is that when there are certain things I'm getting out of a relationship, like

--someone to hug me
--a certain amount of physical touch every week
--laughter
--a feeling of being respected
--someone to remind me that things will get better
--etc etc

......when that relationship is taken away, my desire for these things isn't taken away. I liked them for a reason -- those physical acts are part of what I like about living.

And if I don't find ways to rebuild those things into my life, I will still turn to their original provider in my mind again and again.

Have you found alternate ways to get all of the things your relationship with your XABF provided to you?

Bjen

Thanks for all your replies. It is nice to know I'm not alone and it's nice not to hear "get over it" or "move on". It's not like grass grows under my feet but people seem to think since I've chosen to be single for as long as I feel like it that I'm stuck in the past or wanting him. I'm just enjoying being me.

I do have someone to fill in what A used to provide. I have tons of friends and lots of animals and awesome family with 2 little neices. I always have a hug when I need one etc. There is even a silly guy who thinks he loves me but I'm not ready to give those words to someone in the relationship sense like he wants me to.

I just think of my A and how much I liked a few certain things about him. No one can replace HIS hugs or HIS laugh. It's just something I have to get used to not having that's all. If it bothers me too much I just remind myself of all the CRAP that also goes with his hugs and his laugh. Or I think of the walls that I have patched and painted and hidden all the holes from his grouchiness and tantrum throwing. It would be easier if I lived somewhere else but this is MY house and I love it.

I guess with time he will fade. Maybe that is why I think of him. It kind of scares me to forget. Guess thats just something I will be patient with. I am OK anyway. I always come out on top.

lovtolaff

Yes yes yes - play the tape ALL THE WAY THROUGH. I have to do that too. There were good things I liked about my xabf but boy there was some pretty bad crap that came along with it. Alot of wading thru the sh*t to get to the good stuff. Who needs that??

Aaah yes. On a particular "crack induced" night my xabf took my mascara and wrote in HUGE letters how much he loved me on one of my pretty dusty-rose painted bedroom walls. How disrespectful huh? Needless to say - my dusty-rose walls are now a different color as I'm redoing my bedroom to suit ME.

Reading back over that last paragraph makes me cringe that I allowed this behaviour in my life.

Hugs to you.

Bjen

Thanks lovtolaff. It's funny you said that you have to wade through all the Sh*t and who needs to wait. Several months ago in his sobriety and trying to reason what happened to our relationship my ex said the same thing. That I was always hanging on and waiting for the "good stuff" and it came so few and far between and it wasn't fair to me.

Was nice to hear that he realizes too bad it came too late.