TakingCharge999

Hi there, OK OK I know many are thinking "there goes Dreamer, stop whining and get over him already!!" but I wanted to ask you...

If there is anyone out there that for some reason had to keep in contact with the exAH, how do you cope, or how did you cope with the fact of seeing them downright?

When I am away I start focusing on my life but it is really hard to keep seeing him at work, I feel so deceited and so hurt. The emotional toll has been really high and I considered quitting my job, but it is a good one and I am being given more responsibilities so, cold heartedly I had to decide he is not worth my career, in fact considering that was ridiculous.. why doesn't HE leave?

But of course another thing is when I see him light hearted chatting and walking without a care in this world. The other day he saw me in a really bad shape so I copied what he did> now I carry my Ipod and glasses everywhere.

He has this "attitude" and now I am going insane thinking if this was really who I was with, or if he changed and now that he has a new girlfriend enabling him and "replaced me" in a matter of seconds, he feels others are validating his way of drinking and he is finally free from me. It has amazed me how omnipresent he feels now...

I think he gets pissed when he sees me because I remind him of who he is when he is drunk, and just as he saw me in my most vulnerable moments, I also saw the ugly truths about him and his alcoholism and how low he went offending someone and then crying and crying just to do it all over again.

I hear he says I was the one with problems, go figure. Of course he may have already forgot everything he did wrong. So its again the same scenario we are sadly so familiar with. I mean he is just unable to accept his responsibility 50% and it is really sad to know all the badmouthing. But it has been good training to me, to care less and less about him and his friends and what they all say. Lately I have heard they say I am sleeping with a married guy who is also in his team. I mean I can barely go out to eat with someone and they make up all these things. The fact they are ALL guys gets me.. I know it shouldn't but it does.

So if there was anyone out there stuck due to similar circumstances (OK I know stuck is a state of mind but you know what I mean) I would be grateful to know how they managed to move on.. I guess it comes with time but any tip is appreciated.

I also wanted to tell you that after my family leaves I will join Al anon. The loneliness of not being understood by anyone but us is too much sometimes. The fact everybody goes out drinking everyday does not help, I feel like a geek not going out, because I am afraid I will encounter them and it will be too much. Just seeing them laughing in a car was enough for a nervous breakdown and was given some antidepressants. Right now I am not taking them. At the same time I am more and more disgusted by drunkards, be it neighbors or whoever .The other day my roomies had a party and one guy was getting nasty at me, and I was just like "DAMN why don't my friends get these guys out our flat".. I am just sick of alcohol and alcoholics and all the damn destruction!!!!!!!

I sit here once again in utter disbelief and shock, and in anger.
Thanks for letting me vent.

ToughChoices

I see my A on a very regular basis. We have a child together.

I manage by focusing on myself. Really. He's making the choices that he feels will benefit him the most - I may not agree with his choices, but that's okay. They aren't mine to make.

When I start to obsess about one of his character flaws, I try to turn the attention back toward myself.
My ego screams, "He's a liar!"
My rational, recovering brain says, "You lie, too, Mel."

My ego screams, "He's irresponsible!"
My rational, recovering brain says, "You helped baby and coax him into this state - you contributed to his irresponsibility with your uber-responsibility."

I'm not saying this in a "down-on-myself-can't-do-anything-right" sort of way. I just find it much more helpful to focus on MY problems ('cause I can fix those) than to focus on his (which I can't do anything about!).

I don't go into a tailspin when I see him doing well. I wish him well. He hurt me - I hurt him - we all hurt. Best to stop the pain and start the healing.

Take care.
-TC

TakingCharge999

Thanks TC. Just hearing his maniac laughs made me cry. Now they make me VERY ANGRY!! I am just going to write how I feel and burn the paper at night.

Letting go of the illusion of control is very tough, but I live for the day I say "I feel nothing, I am completely unattached". That seems sooooooo far away!!

ToughChoices

I still feel A LOT. Of pain and joy and hope and excitement and uncertainty.
Feelings make us human, make us lovely.

It's not just OK to feel - it's good. Desirable.

Live for today. It's a good one!

-TC

Barbara52

I can't imagine working with my xAH. I would find it intolerable for so many reasons. I personally would find a new job but then as a contractor I have changed jobs often and that prospect would of course seem easy to me.

I guess with time it may get easy for you as you find ways to truly let go and move on. I ahve no suggestions but I wish you luck in finding your way.

TakingCharge999

Thank you Barbara
It almost makes me laugh, the amount of work I have and how he keeps on visiting the friends around me and laughing with the girls without a care. PLEASE someone tell me it gets better!! It has been very, very painful. It hurts like it was yesterday and I am just shocked as to how he knows I am here, and he does not give a damn about anything. I am just in the verge of tears once again in disbelief while he watches YouTube videos.. I thought the sadness was gone but these kind of moments just GET me because I feel nothing I do goes well!! and I need my family but NO I just keep on working and they are in my flat waiting for me. *(OK now the victim chipping in but I am SAD). I cannot get to my family for a coffee I promised because there was a disruption of service and will probably need to stay and troubleshoot. So I am stuck in my place with my boss next to me. I am listening to Bossa nova in high volume but I hear his laughs in the background. Maybe its karma?? And I killed him in another life?? I sometimes talk to God and tell him OK IS THIS A JOKE???????????? now I am only dreading the time I see them together to go through the grief stages once again.

However it may help me, seeing him as a jerk, sober and who he is now. Damn I am just shocked we were planning our lives together and now living this. I am certainly clinging. And sorry to keep on venting but you know I am feeling a little better just writing my feelings, turns my attention to myself.

DAMN, I hate how I hear all the guys and some girls laughing. I feel they are laughing at myself. Being paranoid does not help me, does it.

My family leaves on Thursday and I am stuck here waiting for nothing to happen. Someone wake me up to March 2008 where everything was OK!!!!!!!!!!

And yes, I like feelings, but I am too visceral and I feel them intensely.. I mean of course we all FEEL something but I just want nothing to do with this person and I am getting impatient..

Breathe Dreamer, BREATHE!! Focus on your job!!

Still Waters

Sounds to me like he'd doing a great deal of this on purpose Dreamer, just being an ass.

He'll get tired of it and move on to another target in a short while, just like a child.

TakingCharge999

Hi StillWaters..

Thanks, now that he finally left I called my family and told them that sorry but I need to stay here for more hours until I get the issue resolved. Probably well into the night. So well, I am feeling much better.

I think SW that that is the worst part. Doing it on purpose would be doing it to hurt me, but no! He is just being himself. He just does not care either for good or bad. Wow how silly I was thinking I had a future with this guy. I simply do not recognize him. But well, what was I expecting.. for an alcoholic to behave as if he was emotionally intelligent? I am not, and look at me

Now I am counting the ways this could be worse (strange way of feeling better)
/I could be pregnant
/I could have married
/I could have no job and depend on him financially
/I could be "stuck" in a worse city or a job I didn't like..
/I could be much much worse off emotionally and become totally depressed for years. not planning to waste that much time, just the time needed to get myself on my feet once again
/I could have no support from you guys that really make ALL the difference in my life and show me it really does get better
/I could have realized this stuff decades later...
/I could have no family to go to even if it is just to say Good night
/I could not have lived throughout the year which was the first half, WONDERFUL and the last half a nightmare!! but rich in experience and emotion
/ I can use that in my theater lessons, did I mention we are going to have an onstage performance in a few months? I have to plan my character. Planning on a young girl whose love of her life just died from an overdose (OK at least I have that look right now), turning slowly into a suicidal emo, musically likes punk/metal, writes gothic poetry and plays the piano... whose hobby is to walk alone in the night. Hates other emos. Believes in archangel Michael and talks to him constantly, talks to others just to be sarcastic. Rather cliched huh... have to give it more thought!

Thanks all for listening and just for being out there..

spda

you need to focus on you! i understand. many of us still and have moments where we have to deal with our X's. i know that my ex and i will bump into each other some day. its a small world. i just focus on being strong now. i took all of december to cry, mope, be sad and now that the new year is here i want to be better. go to alanon. talk, talk, talk, cry, type it all on here...let it out.

its unfortunate you have to work with him and deal with him and his new life. alcoholics are amazing. they live in a fantasy land where everything is as brilliant as a diamond but dont forget... in reality this person is sick!! its all perception.

stop noticing him and notice yourself. use your anger to better yourself. i dont want to be weak and let this person's illness beat me because its my life. i want happiness so i fight to be happy. the person i was so in love with is gone. your person is gone. i know it hurts and i wish i had a magic answer to make it better. all i can say is take care of you. protect you. baby you. love you!!! write a list of what you want out of this life. stay positive. i try all these things now because i am tired of being upset, angry, sad...etc even though some days i cant help it. i hope this helps..((((hugs))))

genrs123

Youre not alone! Keep posting, you can post anytime. im here for you dreamer and get a lot out of your posts both responses and your own. You are doing great.

Be PROUD of your disgust- anger is one of the further steps in the grief process. its progress! (not perfection).

i cant imagine how hard it is to see him, but soon you will realie what a jerk he is and BE THANKFUL that you have that as a reminder every day?!?!?! i know that must be hard. but anyway, try wiggling your toes or snapping a rubber band around the wrist, anything to remind you to be in the present. its a great place to be , and it is whole and wonderful and full of people who love you b ack and will treat you right.

TakingCharge999

Thank you genrs and everyone.
Today someone told me his boss scolded him and his work has not been what his manager expected it to be. I feel great about that lol. How insane is it to be happy when your "loved one" does badly?
But I wanted to tell you that today I went to eat to a restaurant with other coworkers and they told me I shine more without him, that I look better and they have heard good things about my work.
Today I will go home and prepare pasta for my family and I am working a lot today trying to stayed focus. Funny today no, he is not laughing at all.
Thanks all and for everyone that is as confused as me I hope clarity comes your way,that's what I ask God for.. clarity.