Is she genuine or have the lies just become more elaborate?

Old 12-29-2008, 05:41 AM
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Is she genuine or have the lies just become more elaborate?

I have recently separated (again...) from my alcoholic girlfriend - moved back to my hometown. She was not the only reason for this, work was finishing up and I missed my family, my mates and so on. What I want to know is this...

In retrospect, many of the things she said to me over the past few months have now made me think that she 100% wants to stop, but now cannot - as opposed to still *wanting* to drink. I say this after listening to the AA Big Book the other night and Bill W. talks about reaching the point where he DOES want to stop, but cannot - of course without the help of a higher power.

Prior to this last incident, she had been attending AA and was very proactive in starting her recovery. So it makes me wonder. Is she just feeding me more excuses or what? The last month or so she slipped about once a week, but a lot of this talk did not come immediately after the event - much later when we were just talking together.

Her mother is on the scene again, who is also an alcoholic. These two together are like the devil incarnate squared. I truly believe her mother does not help her situation at all. My girlfriend is also a double winner, very co-dependant - especially with her mother. And so, she does not want to *abandon* her.

Of course this could be an excuse (and sounds like one...) I know this isn't *really* mine to solve, but hers. It's just that if I can still be there as at least ONE person who is there to listen and offer encouragement, then I'd like to be. Then again, she could be full of sh*t and that really scares me. She had said a lot of things that nobody has prompted her to believe in the past and if it's all just another lie, then she's headed further away and not closer to recovery - from one extreme to another. Well, she IS still drinking as far as I know. So maybe I have my answer...

Any views on this? Obviously there is not definite answer, but some thoughts would help.

And I guess the proof IS in the pudding...

Last edited by daniel7; 12-29-2008 at 06:05 AM. Reason: readability!
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Old 12-29-2008, 06:24 AM
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I am an alcoholic, but being so we are all co-dependent to some extent as well. I wish I had good news or news you want to hear, but I fear I don't.

In my honest opinion, you both need to seek healing, and most likely independently of each other. She must learn to become clean and sober on her own and for herself and nobody else. If she is trying to be sober to get you back or to have anything external to herself fixed, it will never work in the long term. It has to be from within and only for her.

The same goes for you. I don't know if it happened earlier in your life, but you have become afflicted with another aspect of the disease, which is pure co-dependency. Often co-dependents are sicker than the alcoholics and addicts that they love. It stems from the fact that the denial can be easier to keep and stronger. After all the alcoholic or addict has a glaring flaw that is obvious to all, as it is easy to see that constant drinking or drug abuse are not normal or healthy. The co-dependent on the other hand may seem responsible and selfless to a fault. They can justify that they are just sensitive and caring and anyone would be so if they loved an addict or alcoholic! They can find a million other co-dependents, not in recovery to co-sign their ********, and commiserate with them.

The bottom line is for whatever reasons both the alcoholic/addict and the co-dependent are very sick. They must seek healing regardless of external things, be it people, places or things and we must each one of us own our own responsibility for recovery. It may sound harsh but it's the truth. If you and your girlfriend have any future with each other you both must seek your own healing selfishly and come together later or as a secondary thing.

If either one of you gets help and recovery and the other does not, the one who got recovery would be most likely be amazed that the attraction would pass. Not to say you would not love and care about the person anymore, but healthy people are not generally attracted to romantic relationships with sick ones. I hope this is helpful.
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Old 12-29-2008, 06:56 AM
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Originally Posted by daniel7 View Post
I, she had been attending AA and was very proactive in starting her recovery.
If she is still drinking, she isn't in recovery.

Please try to concentrate on yourself and your needs/issues/desires. Her problems are hers to solve. She obviously know where the support she needs can be found. Let it go.
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:51 AM
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Daniel,

She obviously knows where to go for help when she's ready. She just doesn't seem to be ready yet.

So it's not a matter of "can't", but "won't."

You can't change that choice for her -- all you can do is get on with the hard work of building a life for yourself that's everything you want and nothing you don't.

take care of yourself!
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Barbara52 View Post
If she is still drinking, she isn't in recovery.

Please try to concentrate on yourself and your needs/issues/desires. Her problems are hers to solve. She obviously know where the support she needs can be found. Let it go.
There is your answer

It took me five years from "the decision" to quit and actually putting the drink down

That whole "first step" where we admit we are powerless over alcohol isn't "hooey", I wasn't "done" until I was "done" and many alcoholics never get "done" I am the only one in my family.

I have now learned through coming here and attending other meetings that I am "powerless over alcohol" and it doesn't matter who's drinking it.
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Old 12-29-2008, 08:00 AM
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Originally Posted by daniel7 View Post
It's just that if I can still be there as at least ONE person who is there to listen and offer encouragement, then I'd like to be.


I had some fanciful notion of being KEY to my alcoholic's recovery - I thought that I was loving enough, giving enough, strong enough to support and encourage him, to be the ever-ready patient listener and sympathizer.
But, it drained me of life and hope.
It sucked.

I felt so much better when I realized that AA is full of people who can listen and offer encouragement.

Now I give an occasional "Good for you!" and leave it at that. There are other people who are MUCH better equipped to support an alcoholic in recovery than I.

Take care of yourself!
-TC
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