lost sue

I have only been here for a little over a week. I have posted and been reading the stickys! I don't think I have come across anything that says an alcoholic knows they are one. I guess I am living in my own little world that stays home and watches my husband drink night after night and I dread bed time. I can't stand the smell of him and the thought of sleeping with him makes me ill. I don't know if I come straight out and tell him he is an alcoholic? I have told him many times he has a drinking problem and he says he will cut back "go on the wagon". There always seems to be a reason not to though. Someone at work will stress him out and he will call and say will you pick me up six then, the six doesn't do it, he will ask me to get six more. I will since I don't want him to drive the car after drinking. So, my question is, do I come right out and say it or what? I am willing to take all advice you all have for me. I plan on attending my first alanon meeting Tuesday. I know I have been a worthless person for a while and found a great sticky about myself yesterday. I have let him kill my spirit and I am ready to get it back!

brokenrainbow89

My family and friends have told me I drink too much for years. When I was at college I would have vodka for breakfast, bacardi for lunch, and then whatever fell my way. I didn't think there was anything wrong with this.

I'm still struggling to say "I'm an alcoholic" now, when I know full well that I am! I always used to say, "Oh, I'll cut back.", "Oh, I'll stop after the party / weekend / christmas / new year." There is always an excuse not to stop.

If his drinking is affecting you, which it clearly is, you need to tell him. Explain to him what's going on. He won't really change until he is ready to accept that there is a problem. I've explained in another post that I only realised I was ill when I was lying in a hospital bed waiting to find out if I was going to need a liver transplant.

Alanon will be great, you deserve to be happy and you deserve for your relationship to be a happy and healthy one. I'm not really sure that I'm the best person to give advice... but, don't let this disease hurt you anymore than it already has. The other people at alanon will possibly have been through the same situation, and I really hope they can offer you the advice you need.

Good luck hun, hope to see you around the boards

lost sue

Thank you for your reply. I did go and read your first post I hope all is well with you. I hope that being in the hospital is not going to have to be the eye opener for my husband. I want him to see what he will loose once I am strong enough to make the move that I have been dreaming of for years. Thanks again,
Sue

Toomutch

lost sue - Once an alcoholic comes out of denial, only then will they know that they're an alcoholic. There may be times that they question whether or not they are drinking too much or not, but then will justify and come up with ways to tell themselves that they are not.

The difficult part of your situation is that you cannot tell your husband he is an alcoholic and get him to quit. He will need to reach his own bottom which very well could be having him leave the situation for awhile. Seperation may be what is needed. That may very well be his bottom - when he recognizes that he may be losing you.
JMO. :ghug3

drained22

even though my alkie friend said she had "dysfunctions", she never said she was a alcoholic. she would blame her parents and still did after the half hearted admission.

she said "the reason I drink so fast is because I have to go upstairs and get a drink before my mom found out, instead of going upstairs back and fourth".

I knew she was still in denial.

NOMOMERLOTMAMMA

I knew that I was an alcoholic deep down inside for a very long time before I was willing to say it out loud to myself. This was after a few years of my exh telling me that I was a drunk. Usually in anger. I also have a friend say to me that he knows he is an alcoholic but chooses not to do anything about it.

The point is, nothing that you say or do will make your husband agree with you and admit it, even though he knows it in his heart (maybe). It is something that will or will not happen when he is ready to surrender.

Time to focus on what you can do for yourself that will make YOU feel better.

lost sue

I think you are right. Maybe my leaving will be his bottom. I guess that is what I really want. I can't continue to enable him anymore he is draining me. Thanks for the feed back!
I have saved him the dui's and whatever else he would have faced when I have dropped him off to drink or been the driver to the outings that he goes to.
Sue

laurie6781

Please realize, 'your leaving' may NOT be his bottom.

My folks, in Jan. of '79 cut all contact of any kind with me, and I was 33 1/2 years old. If I came to the door it was shut in my face, if I called on the phone they hung up, and if I had tried to break into their house they would have called the police, I have no doubt of that. It took me another 2 and 1/2 years to find recovery and the last 1 and 1/2 years I was living the streets of Hollywood, 3000 miles away from them.

Did I know I was an alcoholic? Nope. Wasn't even denial, just did not believe I was. Thought I was a 'drunk" due to just some 'bad things life had thrown at me."

It was not until I came to on the Medical Floor of Olive View Hospital in Van Nuys, to find out I had died and the TOD was being put on my medical chart when my heart started on its own that I knew, without a shadow of a doubt that I was much more than just a 'plain old drunk."

That being said, over these many years I have known a lot of folks that did not have to take the disease as far as I did, and somewhere in the fog of alcohol did realize that they were alcoholic.

Your leaving may be his trigger and it may not. Please be sure you are leaving for YOU, for YOUR own Peace Of Mind and Serenity.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,
\

Ago

There is no "pat" answer

I did, I knew I was an alcoholic from about age twelve.

many many alcoholics I know "caught" alcoholism in the rooms of AA like a cold.

(someone else makes them go to meetings parents/judge/spouse or they go as a ploy to save a marriage and then go oops, I have this thing)

Barbara52

Maybe. Maybe not. But don't leave thinking you will change him by doing so. Leave because it is what is best for you.

I left my xAH more than 1 1/2 yrs ago. He still doesn't admit to being an alcoholic and now sponges off his mother. Still unemployed (for 3+yrs now). He won't change until it's his time to change. If ever.

On the other hand, my life is great now.

j0hn0than1964

Hello LostSue,
Thank you for sharing. I understand too. I am the alcoholic in our relationship. I was asked to move out of my house as well when I was using. This was an easy decision at the time as it seemed to me (the alkie mind) this would allow me to drink even more and not have to be hassled. When I moved out I left with just a few things and left her and my 8 month old daughter too. It took me another 2 months or so to realize what I had chosen to give up to keep the drink in my life. I agreed to go to an inpatient treatment center and get the help I needed and I have been sober since. Once I completed the treatment I was welcomed back home with open arms. I go to AA meetings almost daily and my life is much better. The life of my family is too of course and there is mending to be done here, but being sober and honest is allowing that to work as well. I will answer any questions you may have as I have made every lie and done whatever I needed in the past to stay on the sauce.

LOVE,
JT

DII

It's hard for non A's to rationalize this question. My A know's she's an alcoholic but can't bear living it. Tries to work on her disease but live a "'non-alcoholic" life to everyone else. Eventually she believes the lie ans believes she can be "like everyone else" and relapses.

GiveLove

Somehow I am not sure that your husband saying the words that he is an alcoholic will make him any nicer to sleep with, or will relieve you of the crushing stress of enabling him (buying him alcohol, being the driver, being financially bound to him so your future is endangered by his drinking...)

In an ideal world, he would be courageous enough to realize he has a problem, label it if need be, and begin to get the help he needs. But it doesn't look like this is the way he wants to do things right now.

Personally, I found I needed to get away from that for a while to see how it felt - just the thought of being in bed with someone who repulses me was enough, let alone everything else. I separated all finances, found my own apartment, and started a recovery program of my own to learn why I would POSSIBLY keep myself in such an unhappy life. I learned a lot -- and guess what? He's still drinking and unhappy; I'm stable, happy, better off financially, and free.

Just my story.....you have to see what you're comfortable with, sue. Al-Anon was a lifesaver for me!

Omega Man

When I was an "alcoholic", I would sit in bars and joke with drinking buddies with clever little sayings like "rehab is for quitters", and "it's 5 o'clock somewhere".
When I was an "alcoholic" I would attempt to limit my drinking and excuse away getting drunk by stating that I shouldn't have drunk on an empty stomach.
When I was an "alcoholic", I would sit in AA meetings and say I was an "alcoholic" because everyone else did and I didn't want to stand out.

When I knew I was an "ALCOHOLIC", I cried in a liquor store parking lot and called my wife and a friend from AA and asked for help.

Denial is a powerful thing and I fought it all the way. So to answer your question; Yes - I knew I was an "alcoholic" for years before I finally accepted that I am an "ALCOHOLIC".

lost sue

I went to my therapist today and she also said I have to do what is going to make me happy. Maybe once I get into alanon and get some idea of what I am dealing with will give me a clearer out look on what I need to do. She also warned me that I have abuse in my marriage also so I need to be careful of all that alanon teaches. I have never been hit but have had some emotional damage and that I have to be careful how I handle him. I don't know if that makes sense or not but I do think I am here for a reason and want to thank you all for opening my eyes to things that I have not seen. I have been in this marriage for 21 years and have been hiding this misery for so long it has driven me to my own health problems. I do have to take care of my kids and myself first and I think I am on the right path now! Thank you again.
Sue

Taking5

The question is irrelevant, but if he ever wants to really get help or stop altogether it is step 1: "We admitted to ourselves that we were alcoholics; that our lives had become unmanageable".

So your mission (if you choose to accept it) is to get him to admit this to himself. I might add that nagging him about drinking has never worked for anyone I have come into contact with in my 4 years in AA.

That was priceless Ago!

TakingCharge999

Oh no, now that I recall, whenever I mentioned issues with alcohol he would always get angry, as if you were messing with someting dear and precious to him. He said he was still a drunk and would continue to be. I said "what would really hurt would be for you to be healthy and not with me". He laughed and said: "healthy? hah!! that will probably never happen".

At some level I believe he knows he has a problem, sometimes he would mutter in his drunkedness "I have to drink less" but never did.

Sad witnessing an alcoholic's decadence...sometimes when I get a less cloudy mind I ask God to give courage to our loved ones so they become free.

Kindeyes

My A son doesn't really believe that he is an alcoholic. He accuses me of being the one who has put that label on him and it's a label that he can't get rid of now.....and it's all my fault.

quack quack quack quack

It really doesn't matter. It's an issue of boundaries. If his behavior is such that he is stepping all over your personal boundaries and it's making you uncomfortable, it's up to you to change the dynamic.

It was really hard for me to figure out and admit that I was (am?) a seriously severe codependent. I'm sure that it is equally difficult for my son to recognize his own shortcomings.

gentle hugs

inahaze

I don't know if someone who isn't in rehab of some sort would voluntarily call themselves an alcoholic. I know my AH would never say it. His likes to say he's had drinking problems in the past and at one point was borderline alcoholic. Today he says he just likes the taste of beer.

He thinks because he still pays the bills and gets to work everyday that he's just fine and dandy. The fact that our marriage sux doesn't have anything to do with his drinking.

Mind you he likes to taste a 6-pack a night almost every night.

genrs123

i think they do know, but it is easier to just not think about it. otherwise it would cause them pain or overwhelm them. ... and so they drink.

what i DONT think they know is how their impulsive behavior negatively affects their whole life. (and others). i think they just think life sucks, they were given a rotten deal. not, wow, my drinking causes me financial emotional and physical stress.

they do justify it in different ways- such as well i work hard so i deserve a drink, if xxxx didnt happen, i would have to drink, well so and so drinks more than me, so im probably fine.

my AXBF did i think know. he just knew he couldnt change, either- or didnt want to try. I know hed researched ways to quit drinking on the internet and things like that, even talked about trying the medication. he never did. maybe the part of him that knew just accepted it but didnt want to change it. from active to in recovery.