Do I tell him I am going to alanon?
 

So, I did find an alanon close to home. Should I tell him I am going? Do you think it will all come back that I am making drama and he really doesn't have a problem? What should I do?

I am new here, so hi. I have been planning on going to alanon since the summer....but then you have the whole roller coaster thing and things were better...so I put it off. Then the holidays come and it rears it's ugly head. So my BF and I had a big fight and I told him I am going to alanon....it kind of just slipped out....previously I was going to do it and not tell him...because I wanted it to be for and about ME....But now that the cat's out of the bag...I am going to go and I don't have to lie about where I am going. So I am kind of in the same boat as you...not sure how to handle it. If he says he doesn't have a problem and you do...I would just calmly say "yes...so I am doing something about it." Good luck and keep me posted.

Al-anon was something I did for ME. When I considered telling my XABF that I was going, I had to examine my motivation. Why would I tell him? Was there some desired reaction I was hoping to get? Was I hoping he'd see what I was doing and realize "i'm serious this time", be worried/scared straight?

If I were someone accused of creating drama (justified or not), I would think a sure way to NOT be accused of it would be if you didn't announce your intentions, just went to your meetings and got as much healing out of them as you could.

Not to say you should lie if asked, but do think carefully about telling him and make sure you're doing this for YOU, and not to expect anything at all from HIM by announcing your intentions. Just my two cents! (((lost sue)))

I have been wondering this myself, so thank you for your post.

I have been meaning to go for the past month, found a close by meeting on Tuesday nights, when ABF is at an AA meeting. But with the bad weather, and now a recent car accident that has left me without a car temporarily, I have not gotten there yet. Hopefully in January.....but I have been going back and forth on the tell/don't tell question.....and have not made a decision yet.

It's up to you whether you tell him or not. I chose to not hide it but not make an announcement. Of course, the A in my life is my son not my husband so it wasn't necessary to explain where I am or what I am doing.

gentle hugs

Dear Lost Sue,

I started to go to Al-Anon without telling my ABF. It was during one of the many "discussions" we tend to get into that I told him I was going. Where would the drama come from? Would he attempt to draw you into his negative energy about you're going as it might change the way you deal with yourself relevant to his dis-ease?
I can say going to f2f meetings and being on this site has been the best thing I've ever done for myself. Al-Anon members and the literature they sell can apply to many areas of your life. Al-Anon is for your recovery and well-being. Your well-being's got to count for something in your life right????
Good luck to you.
Alphawoman

i started going to alanon immediately after his last binge. it took me weeks before i told my xabf that i was going. i told him when i felt ready to tell him. when i felt it was time.

for yourself -get to alanon. it does help. find a meeting. if you dont feel like telling him then dont. you will find the place and time to if you do decide to one day tell him. good luck!

IMO, if he asks, I would tell him you are going but leave it at that. You don't need to go into details. If drama erupts, you can walk away.

I hope you gain wisdom and support at the meetings.

Of course for me the drama is my independence. I know since I have going to therapy for "my problems" he has accused me of having affairs. I spend 90 percent of my time at home when I am not at work. I have a kid with me when I am home and the hour of therapy I get is accounted for. I do have about a 15 minute drive there so I guess I should make the best of the drive time and have my affair in the car. I am sorry I feel that he tries to account for every waking moment I have and it is making me crazy. I have been on Christmas break and he has made sure I have driven him to work daily so he can control when I have any free time. I take him at 530am and have to pick him up at 2 or 230 so he knows I can't have any free time during the day for myself. Thanks for listening to me whine!!!!!!

When you are tired of being in prison like this, you will know, and you will know what to do (and of course, we'll be here to help!) :hug: