My husband is missing.

Old 12-27-2008, 09:21 PM
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My husband is missing.

I am going crazy, my husband fell off the wagon about 6 months ago, and he has been back in AA for about three weeks. I spent the holidays with my family and he was supposed to go to visit his. I just came home to find that he never made it to his families house. I have had no contact with him for 3 days and have no way of knowing if he is alive or dead, drunk or sober. Should I file a missing persons report or just wait it out and hope he turns up? I am new to this whole scene and I know that others have been going through this for years, but how do you handle it? How do you sleep? How do you go about your lives while waiting and worrying? How do you let go? Help.
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Old 12-27-2008, 10:42 PM
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I wish I had some deep words of comfort and wisdom for you..........but I don't. All I can say is that my thoughts are with you as you struggle. I know that we codies have a tendency to make worrying an olympic sport. It's amazing the crazy stuff we find to worry about and the crazy paths our imaginations will take when we're worried.

Please don't think I'm saying there's no reason to worry. It's always concerning when someone drops out of sight..........especially when that someone is your loved one. All I'm saying is that the odds of it being the "worst" are a lot smaller than they seem in your mind right now.

Others will be along who may have some other thoughts/suggestions for you. As for now, please try to turn him over to his HP. I'm realistic, tonight will likely be a sleepless night for you. Keep reading and posting. We're here for you.
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:04 AM
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File a missing person report ASAP. Be honest about his drinking history. If he is in custody or in the hospital they will find him.

Go to the AA meeting he went to and tell them he is missing, he may have confided to someone where he drinks.

Go to the bank and see of there is any activity on his credit/debit cards. The police will know how to do this.

Let us know what happens.
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Old 12-28-2008, 12:33 AM
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I thank you for your thoughts. It is nice to realize that someone else knows what I am talking about. I have been to embarrassed to confide in anyone that I know.

It has occurred to me that he must make his own way, and if something terrible happened to him, the authorities would be able to reach me. (right?). I suppose I should probably try one of those al-anon meetings. I have been reluctant to go, but I think that I finally feel overwhelmed enough to give it a try.

I just wish this was not happening.
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Old 12-28-2008, 02:49 AM
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When you learn a bit more about alcoholism you will know there is no need to be embarrased. It is a demon that literally has taken control of his mind. Actually, friends and family may very erll be supportive and sympathetic. You also may need them ih things deteriorate to the point you need have legal issues as a consequence to alcoholism, which is progressive.

Originally Posted by proveit11 View Post
I thank you for your thoughts. It is nice to realize that someone else knows what I am talking about. I have been to embarrassed to confide in anyone that I know.

It has occurred to me that he must make his own way, and if something terrible happened to him, the authorities would be able to reach me. (right?). I suppose I should probably try one of those al-anon meetings. I have been reluctant to go, but I think that I finally feel overwhelmed enough to give it a try.

I just wish this was not happening.
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Old 12-28-2008, 07:50 AM
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I'm so sorry you are going through this - I have faced that kind of fear and pain too, and understand how difficult it is. I don't mean to sound hardened, but I realized I could not control what happens and if the worst did happen, yes the authorities would know how to get in touch with me.
It took a lot of pain for me to hit my bottom too and find Alanon and Naranon. Once i got through what seemed like such a hard thing - to walk into that first meeting - I found lots of loving and supportive people who understood. The first couple of groups I tried weren't the right fit, but I still got something out of it and when i found the group that worked for me, I knew it immediately. I haven't turned back since and it makes the world of difference.
Keep posting and let us know how you are doing. In the meantime, you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 12-28-2008, 09:53 AM
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hi proveit,

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. Although it's fairly common for alcoholics and addicts to go AWOL, I would certainly file a missing person's report. Here in Colorado we sometimes find missing persons long after the fact (having landed in a position or situation where the authorities can't help them because of terrain, weather, lost ID+bump on the head, etc.), and having someone out there keeping an eye out for him can't hurt anything.

Peace to you. The waiting can't be easy -- sending you a big hug to get through this.

GL
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:11 AM
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My fiancee is missing also

Boy can is sympathize with you. My fiancee went to detox at his old girlfriends on Friday and I have not heard anything since. I do not know if he is alive or dead. He said I could call but they must have taken his phones away from him. He said he did notwant to go to a hospital or rehab again as he just got out of a month long rehab at the end of September and apparently started drinking again almost immediately. So I spent the weekend crying, not eating or sleeping and totally miserable. I most do something to help myself get out of this relationship--it is destroying my life!!!

I do not know if he is missing, dead too sick to call, they will not let him call but you would think someone would have the decency to let me know wouldn't you. It always all about the alcoholic and the one that love them get stuck without any help.

Hope everything works out for both of us.
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:49 PM
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Bohn05 I wish I could help you. We could sit in a room and commiserate and make each other feel better. I know that you have heard this before, and will hear it many more times, but you really need to get out while you can. I know it is hard, but you will look back in 5 years and know that everyone was right all along. Don't marry this guy, a least not for a long, long time.
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Old 12-28-2008, 11:55 PM
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For those of you who extended your kind thoughts, I wanted to let you know that the missing husband has been found. He called this afternoon saying that he thought that I didn't want to hear from him and so he didn't call. I was so relieved to hear from him that I cried.

And when I hung up the phone, I was even more relieved that he was gone.

Out of my life and yet still alive. The perfect situation! I don't know if I will ever let him come back. For today, at least I am feeling giddy with freedom! What a difference a day makes. And who knows what tomorrow will hold.

I only wish that I could sleep.
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Old 12-29-2008, 07:54 AM
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proveit, I hope you finally got to sleep. That's a lot of adrenaline rushing through you -- it doesn't surprise me that sleep took a long time for you!

Chalk this up to "one more thing I won't have to deal with any more." Sounds like you have more important things you'd like to do with your life!
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Old 12-29-2008, 06:50 PM
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Coming in late on this, but sending out huge hugs to you!
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Old 12-30-2008, 10:51 AM
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((proveit))

sending out prayers and thoughts of courage & support for you

Please take good care of YOU!!

HUGS,
Rita
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Old 12-31-2008, 06:05 AM
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Hi there proveit11 -- I'm glad that your mind is a little more at ease in that you heard from your husband -- I'm sorry that you had to go through this -- I go through it at least monthly and have for 20 years now -- don't let that happen to you. It is harder to leave now than it would have been 20 years ago -- shouldn't have got married. It is maddening and crazy making and I am just now starting to realize that I have wasted all that time hoping he would get better. Very hard to leave now -- you (and I) don't deserve it.
my thoughts are with you!
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Old 01-16-2009, 05:25 PM
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missing husband as well

i havent read far enough yet to see if you found your husband. i hope u did. i feel you. im dealing with the same issue as of today. but i dont know whether to worry yet. my family thinks im nuts for worrying. but i have the most reliable husband and we just were together today and this is not like him. he left his work hours ago. and i cant reach him. and nor can anyone i know. he's doesnt drink. the only thing he does is smoke pot once in awhile. im really stressed. I know in my heart he wouldnt be careless and not answer his phone. sometimes his phone doesnt get calls. but not after calling for hours.... im so worried as it gets dark. i dont know if hes hurt or in the hospital or jail. i dont know what to think. im really upset his car got totaled by a drunk driver that fled the scene 2 days ago. we live really close 2 work and he walked today. his car is in the shop. after he left his work. he didnt come back. where would he walk too?? unless someone picked him up. the people at his work said they have no idea. his mom has no idea.
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Old 08-08-2017, 01:12 AM
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Fiancé has been missing since Wednesday night

My fiancé has been missing since Wednesday night . We've been together now on and off for 11 years he is 31 and I am 28 . I am currently 8 month pregnant with our first child . He has always had a drug and alcohol addiction and have been to rehabs and was also in jail 3 years back for 18 months . He came out clean and sober but fell off the wagon little by little . To the weekend drinks , and occasional coke with the drinking to using me as an excuse for when we would fight that he was drink and use , stay out over night , come home and apologize and be good for a few weeks and it would happen again . This time around he took our bank card , cleared the money , and I haven't heard from him since . When he is sober this pregnancy and our relationship and his amazing job are so important to him , but he is another person when th alcohol and drugs set in . I've stressed everything , talked to friends and his family and no one seems to know where he is or what he's doing . I haven't reached out to the cops yet , because I am terrified . Last I heard his co worker confirmed he picked his check up this Saturday so his phone has been off of he shut it off since Sunday and we are now early morning Tuesday . I'm so far along in my pregnancy and so scared , emotional and just hoping he's ok in general . Could this just be another bender or something worse ???? What should I do ? I need help and I there's no one who understands my love and worry for him , Except for woman or men who have been through this , please help I'm afraid that if I stress more and more it will harm our unborn son .












Originally Posted by proveit11 View Post
I am going crazy, my husband fell off the wagon about 6 months ago, and he has been back in AA for about three weeks. I spent the holidays with my family and he was supposed to go to visit his. I just came home to find that he never made it to his families house. I have had no contact with him for 3 days and have no way of knowing if he is alive or dead, drunk or sober. Should I file a missing persons report or just wait it out and hope he turns up? I am new to this whole scene and I know that others have been going through this for years, but how do you handle it? How do you sleep? How do you go about your lives while waiting and worrying? How do you let go? Help.
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Old 08-08-2017, 02:01 AM
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Thoughts are with you, try to concentrate on you & baby.
I would seek professional help due to the fact he has cleared you out financially and you are in a vulnerable position.
Refocus thoughts to calm
Sorry I can't be more help
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Old 08-08-2017, 02:23 AM
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Somebody here suggested asking his friends in AA where he drinks. I am afraid I don't think that's a helpful suggestion as it would breach the whole point of AA which is anonymity.
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Old 08-08-2017, 03:32 AM
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I've been up all hours of the night . His phone has been of since Sunday and Tuesday morning . I don't know what I should do , I want him to be ok an stable but I keep thinking the worst
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Old 08-08-2017, 03:36 AM
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Danielaf89, Welcome to SR!

The OP started this thread almost 9 years ago. Thankfully, she did find out that her husband was OK.

Sadly, the disappearing act is not uncommon among active alcoholics and addicts. So, what we get to decide is how we are going to respond.

My stepson disappeared for several days, once, and we filed a missing persons report. You have that option if it would help you to know that the police are keeping an eye out.

In the meantime, please take good care of yourself and your precious little one to come--how exciting! You will all be in my prayers!
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