Bordercollie

For the first time in my life I have realized that I need help. I am a young and recent college grad who has a very strong sense of self and have always felt "different." I have realized and that realization has come like a slap in the face, that my feeling "different" is actually me being codependent. I have started researching and reading so much on this and it is truly unbelievable how much I can apply to my own life. I have learned time and time again about this concept of "codependency," but not once ever applied it to my own life. Now that I have I feel like I am so much more aware of it and myself, but what do I do? I am for the first time in my life single and ALONE. After dating many young alcoholics and feeling a failure after ending the relationships, I am finally realizing this pattern that I have created and even how it all started. I definitely don't want any relationship (especially with another alcoholic) as my last 4 year relationship ended just this October. I have a very complicated story and don't want to share all of it quite yet, but I guess I just need some guidance because I go from sort of being able to enjoy myself, to rage that I don't know where it comes from, to a sadness that takes over my whole body to obsessing over everything that is beyond my control. I am seeing a therapist for some insights and an objective point of view and I am also planning to attend Al Anon meetings ASAP. I feel like I am on the right path but just feel so alone, isolated, angry and sick and tired of being sick and tired of the effects of alcoholism and how it has affected my life and those I care about so profoundly. HELP!!!

GiveLove

Hi Bordercollie - welcome to SR!

Can I suggest, for the moment, that you try something that real border collies never do: sit for a second, close your eyes, and just breathe a few deep breaths. (You're human; we have the power to do this )

You're on a voyage right now. When it comes to big life changes, we're like those huge oil tankers that need a mile just to change course or slow down. You can't often just grab the wheel and suddenly change direction....the real and lasting change is made with a serious of small course corrections that you take the time to learn thoroughly and deeply.

It's a huge shock to the system to realize that codependency has been driving the tanker for a while -- but CONGRATULATIONS on identifying that's what's going on. It took me to at least age 40, so you're ahead of the game for sure

I got a lot out of counseling, myself, and I hope you do too. I went through more than one counselor because I wanted more than just regular therapy, all those questions about my mother's habits and suchlike, but the kind of counseling where we got straight to the heart of things and worked on them. I was given homework of things to try, small adjustments to make to my ship, and I was expected to report back. This kept me involved in my own healing, and helped me more than just sitting on a couch talking for an hour.

But in any case, stick around. Read around here, especially the Sticky posts at the top of the forum. Try a few Al-Anon meetings. Start a journal. Try quieting tactics like meditation and yoga. Forgive yourself for not knowing all the answers right now, all at once. It will come.

Breathe. Try to be patient with yourself. You're a work of art in progress.

In a Tailspin

I can honestly say that I was both shocked and relieved when I realized I'm a codie. I wasn't raised with any alcoholics or addicts around me, so I also have no idea where my codie-ness comes from. Being an RN, I actually had a lot of "schooling" about codependency and how to avoid it.....but, like you, never realized it was now a part of my patterns. So that was the shock. The relief was because I realized that now that I know what is wrong in those patterns, there is a way I can fix it. You know, you must first admit you have a problem.....that sort of thing!! I got the book Codependent No More (read about it on this site first) and it was GREAT!! I learned so much about myself. I am 30, and have learned more about me in the last year (thanks to that book and alanon meetings) than my entire life before.

It's good to be learning, stretching, and healing while not in a relationship. I know you feel very lost, but I have to say you are on exactly the road you need to be on. It sounds like you've had bumps (haven't we all!!) - - but there is nothing that I can think of that you could or should be doing that you aren't currently doing.

You are being good to yourself. You are being conscious of you inner turmoil and needs. You are well on the road to recovery. GO YOU!!!

Bordercollie

Givelove-yes I am much like my own Border Collie, never resting for one minute and as loyal as they come-much to my own detriment. I have been told to slow down most of my life. The problem now is that I have had some down time in between graduating college and transitioning into my full time career (I have been working my whole life, now it is for real...what I went to school for) Even worse than my need to stay busy, is my never resting brain. I often compare it to a mouse on a wheel. There is a mouse up there running on a wheel as hard and fast as it can (my obsessed, irrational, worrisome thoughts) and it runs until it can't run anymore and is spent (me not being able to solve, fix, change or do anything) I am realizing that although I need this alone time in my life, it is going to be painful and difficult. I am glad I am figuring this all out now, I feel very self aware, but it is terrifying. I am really looking forward to going to Al Anon after New Year's and more counseling. In a Tailspin- actually the book Codependent No More was my eye opener. My story is a little complex, but I opened up that book at a rehab center bookstore one night after going to a meeting with a friend and my jaw dropped to the floor. I flipped through it and was like "yep that's me, oh I know what that feels like, uh huh, yep..." and from there my research exploded. Like, you I wasn't raised in an alcoholic environment, although it does run in my family and I have been around it. I can actually pinpoint why and how I started to become so codependent, which is so crazy to me, because in the work field and out in the world, I function so independently, confindently and somewhat outgoing, so I am told. When I am alone and in my relationships I am a huge mess. Right now I am feeling so angry at the people who do not see how their actions destroy lives. I know that alcoholism is a disease and the disease takes over, but I am sick and tired of all of it! I guess I have tried so hard to not be devastated and feel like a failure in my relationships, so being angry is easier for now. I did take a huge step yesterday. My boyfriend, who's house I moved out of just this October was out drinking all night. He texted me in the morning a few times to see how I was and finally after small talking he asked me to take him to his car where all the bars are in town (he left it there that night and at least he had enough sense to take a cab home). He said he would bring our dog (who he has...for now...) and he would buy bagels and coffee. Of course there was this part of me that wanted to... ya we can go have bagels and coffee and I will get to see the dog, why can't I just help him out anybody else would. But I snapped myself back to reality. I refuse to be an enabler in his life. I told him I am sorry but I can't. I never heard anything which for me is very telling of why he even got in touch with me in the first place. After crying my eyes out about it, I got really angry with him. I know he was thinking, "Oh I can just call her she will take me, she won't mind, she probably isn't doing anything else, and Oh I will bring the dog into it so she can't say no!" It took me almost the entire day to get over it. I worked out and tried to let go of some of my rage and negative energy, but even today I feel disgusted with him. Anyway, at least I am not living there and having to put up with him crawling over me at 5am, urinating in random places in our home and not recalling any of it and denying any of it happening, and telling me I am the crazy one and asking me if I went off my medicine. Ya I definitely don't miss that. So that's what is carrying me through right now. No more crying in the bathroom on the floor wondering how I am going to leave. I left. I am in a good place right now, starting a new job tomorrow and buying my own house next year and don't have to let it affect me anymore. So much easier said than done. I am just babbling, but it's good for me to let some of this out to people who get it. What a nasty disease it is!

GiveLove

You bet we get it

It's a really hard thing you've done, and I'm proud you recognized you deserved a chance at something better. The anger phase lasted quite a while for me too, and like you I started finding relief in working out. I took up trail running, racquetball, soccer.....started taking out my anger and frustration and wearing myself out for a good night's sleep in the process. We've also had a number of folks here who are either on break from rigorous academics or are inbetween graduation and post-grad or employment, and I know from personal experience that can be really hard (once you're stripped of the crazy busy-ness of academia and you have all that........space......)

I'm glad you started this adventure to get yourself clearer and stronger. It might take a while, but keep track of your progress and you'll be amazed at the things that change for you. Some of the folks that came here chock-full of anger and frustration are some of our most amazing community members now.

Keep it up, bordercollie.

genrs123

i have had and i am going through a similar experience. i want you to know you are not alone. i found that alanon helped, and a lot , lot lot of counseling. and exercise. welcome. keep reading and posting. alanon was also a tremendous help for me. thanks for sharing your story. and also, i wish i could say something positive but i have a lot of guilt leftover from the past long term relations with an active alcoholic/addict. i feel like a failure, and a bad girlfriend. hen you know better you do better. and these relationships are generally, it seems like, not exactly winning situations. no one wins until both parties are in recovery, i guess. good luck to you and please keep posting.

TimeForMe

Hey Border Collie -

Big hug to you.

I also am at the beginning of my codependent journey. A HUGE eye-opener for me was the drama triangle in the book...if I do not RESCUE, I remove myself from the drama.

It is my choice whether I decide to become part of the drama or not. Sounds like you are in the same place. You made a good decision by not becoming part of the drama. Yes, it sucks. But trust me, the first time is the hardest.

I wrote in an earlier post that you are not alone. You are TOTALLY not alone. We get it.

I am codependent and am learning how screwed up I am because of that. But each time I choose not to rescue someone, I empower myself. I am in charge of myself. I am in charge of no one else. And that's fine.

Hang in there and keep reading the posts. They really help. And you are certainly not alone.

S