16 year old nephew on a downhill slide
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Littleton, Co.
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16 year old nephew on a downhill slide
I really wnt to help my nephew as he is on a downhill slide. He is locked up now in a correctional facility for the next 45 days. He has finally reach a point where the probation officer has given up on him. After his 45 days he can't go back with his mother (my sister) because she hasn't been there for him since he was 10 years old. She hasn't been home for a few months now. She and her boyfriend bought a bar and she spends all her time there when she is not at her boyfriends.
Trevor (nephew) has never known anything but abandonment. His dad left befor he was born. My sister had an affair with the brother of the man Trevor called Daddy. So at 10 years old he was abandoned by him. The men have come and gone- it makes me so terribly sad.
I had Trevor with me much of the time when he was younger, he stayed with us alot until he reached an age where he was out of control and no longer wanted to come over.
He needs a home when he leaves lock up and my single brother with no children is possibly going to take him in and provide a very stuctured contract for Trevor to follow.
If my brother ends up not taking him, he will go to foster care. I am so guilt ridden wondering what more I could have done to make a difference in his life.
I have 4 teenagers at home now who are all doing well. If I brought Trevor in it would upset the applecart. He steals to by drugs, kicks holes in walls. Not that I blame or judge him - but I dont feel I can take him on with everything else I have on my plate.
Am I being selfish?
Thanks for listening!
Trevor (nephew) has never known anything but abandonment. His dad left befor he was born. My sister had an affair with the brother of the man Trevor called Daddy. So at 10 years old he was abandoned by him. The men have come and gone- it makes me so terribly sad.
I had Trevor with me much of the time when he was younger, he stayed with us alot until he reached an age where he was out of control and no longer wanted to come over.
He needs a home when he leaves lock up and my single brother with no children is possibly going to take him in and provide a very stuctured contract for Trevor to follow.
If my brother ends up not taking him, he will go to foster care. I am so guilt ridden wondering what more I could have done to make a difference in his life.
I have 4 teenagers at home now who are all doing well. If I brought Trevor in it would upset the applecart. He steals to by drugs, kicks holes in walls. Not that I blame or judge him - but I dont feel I can take him on with everything else I have on my plate.
Am I being selfish?
Thanks for listening!
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Join Date: Sep 2007
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(((Suzette)))
You are not being selfish. You have to take care of yourself and your kids, and bringing Trevor in would cause a lot of chaos that you just don't need right now. You've got a lot going on in your own life.
I know it hurts to see what's going on with Trevor, but a big thing to remember is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. Trevor has had a hard life, but he is going to have to hit his bottom and find his own way back up.
A lot of kids have rough lives, go in and out of detention centers, and finally just get tired of it and get their acts together, but they have to WANT it. If he is still at the point where he is rebellious and angry at the world, he is probably not going to want it and is going to bring down everyone around him.
The best thing you can do is just let him know you love him, but do it from a distance. He's not the same kid he was when he was younger. If you let him, he will manipulate you to get what he wants...that's what he's used to doing now.
Stop thinking about what you could have done when he was younger, to change the outcome. That wasn't your job, and you did what you could. Your his aunt...not his mom.
By living your life, they way you do, and having great kids, you are giving him a role model of what life is supposed to be like. He may not see it now, but he will in time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
You are not being selfish. You have to take care of yourself and your kids, and bringing Trevor in would cause a lot of chaos that you just don't need right now. You've got a lot going on in your own life.
I know it hurts to see what's going on with Trevor, but a big thing to remember is the 3 c's...you didn't cause it, you can't change it, and you can't cure it. Trevor has had a hard life, but he is going to have to hit his bottom and find his own way back up.
A lot of kids have rough lives, go in and out of detention centers, and finally just get tired of it and get their acts together, but they have to WANT it. If he is still at the point where he is rebellious and angry at the world, he is probably not going to want it and is going to bring down everyone around him.
The best thing you can do is just let him know you love him, but do it from a distance. He's not the same kid he was when he was younger. If you let him, he will manipulate you to get what he wants...that's what he's used to doing now.
Stop thinking about what you could have done when he was younger, to change the outcome. That wasn't your job, and you did what you could. Your his aunt...not his mom.
By living your life, they way you do, and having great kids, you are giving him a role model of what life is supposed to be like. He may not see it now, but he will in time.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Thank you Amy - I really needed some feedback as this situation is so troubling. It makes me so mad at my sister, but I can't judge her for being a drug addict and alcoholic. I know it she wasn't stuck in her rut she would be a better mom. It hurts me to think of the regrets she will have someday.
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It must be so heartbreaking to watch your nephew be abandoned over and over. You know the source of his rage and anger, but, at this point, there may not be much you can do.
I think you're being the opposite of selfish. You have 4 other teenagers to look out for. I think you'd be more "selfish" if you invited him to your house and thought you could "save" him. Sounds like he needs a lot of intensive help from many different sources.
Are there any young agencies in your area? Job Corps perhaps? It is aimed at 'at-risk' youth age 16 to 24.
I think you're being the opposite of selfish. You have 4 other teenagers to look out for. I think you'd be more "selfish" if you invited him to your house and thought you could "save" him. Sounds like he needs a lot of intensive help from many different sources.
Are there any young agencies in your area? Job Corps perhaps? It is aimed at 'at-risk' youth age 16 to 24.
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RobinsFly - Yes there are some Job Corps in the area, I know in the past he has refused to go, but maybe that is just the place for him. Do you know how it works? Is there a cost involved?
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(((Suzette)))
I don't know anything about the job corp, but I do know that a judge can court order some types of programs and is usually much more willing when the "offender" is young. It may not be job corp, but it may be a type of boot camp, which would teach discipline and some type of work skill, which would be better than just a punishment type of thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
I don't know anything about the job corp, but I do know that a judge can court order some types of programs and is usually much more willing when the "offender" is young. It may not be job corp, but it may be a type of boot camp, which would teach discipline and some type of work skill, which would be better than just a punishment type of thing.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Too Mutch:
You are attempting to put blame on yourself when no blame is due. Amy is right, your family will be his model some day.
As to Job Corp. Look in the phone book under federal Government and do some calling on Monday. You may have to try a few numbers, but will get directed to the correct office.
They will give you all the details............................it would be a GREAT opportunity for the young man. Schooling, discipline, a trade, counseling, etc all rolled into one.
Once you have the info, get with your brother, who is considering disrupting his life, and see if this might not be the better alternative for all involved.
My personal opinion is that your young nephew does need more than either you or your brother can provide. With him this young, there is an excellent chance his course in life can be changed witht he help of Job Core.
You might also check with the State of Colorado and see what 'long term' programs they have for teenagers of his caliber.
In the meantime, please ask your HP to take over your worry, and to watch over the nephew. You will be surprised how much that little action can settle one's own spirit.
This is not your fault. Addiction of any kind hurts far more than the individual, you know this, all of us on this forum know this. Yes, I once was one that did the hurting, but learned a long time ago now. If I can successfully change my ways, and I had to die to do it, I am firmly convinced that anyone with just the teenist mustard seed of 'maybe' in their heart can too!!!!!!!
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, you know how much we care.
Love and hugs,
You are attempting to put blame on yourself when no blame is due. Amy is right, your family will be his model some day.
As to Job Corp. Look in the phone book under federal Government and do some calling on Monday. You may have to try a few numbers, but will get directed to the correct office.
They will give you all the details............................it would be a GREAT opportunity for the young man. Schooling, discipline, a trade, counseling, etc all rolled into one.
Once you have the info, get with your brother, who is considering disrupting his life, and see if this might not be the better alternative for all involved.
My personal opinion is that your young nephew does need more than either you or your brother can provide. With him this young, there is an excellent chance his course in life can be changed witht he help of Job Core.
You might also check with the State of Colorado and see what 'long term' programs they have for teenagers of his caliber.
In the meantime, please ask your HP to take over your worry, and to watch over the nephew. You will be surprised how much that little action can settle one's own spirit.
This is not your fault. Addiction of any kind hurts far more than the individual, you know this, all of us on this forum know this. Yes, I once was one that did the hurting, but learned a long time ago now. If I can successfully change my ways, and I had to die to do it, I am firmly convinced that anyone with just the teenist mustard seed of 'maybe' in their heart can too!!!!!!!
Keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, you know how much we care.
Love and hugs,
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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My heart goes out to you all in this situation.
You can still be a huge influence on him even if he is not living with you. The poor kid is only 16 - he has had to (and continues to need to) parent himsef. I'm sure you understand how bad a job one can do when trying to do something with no teacher or guidebook.
It is amazing how quickly kids can turn around when they have both love and boundaries as well as good role models. Have you spoken with your children about the situation?
You can still be a huge influence on him even if he is not living with you. The poor kid is only 16 - he has had to (and continues to need to) parent himsef. I'm sure you understand how bad a job one can do when trying to do something with no teacher or guidebook.
It is amazing how quickly kids can turn around when they have both love and boundaries as well as good role models. Have you spoken with your children about the situation?
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Laurie - that is exellent advice. My mom has been very guilt ridden about this too and feels guilty that she cant do more. I am going to read this whole thread outloud to them.
It's amazing how SR helps in so many ways. To get outside advice when I am all emeshed in a familuy matter really puts it in a different light.
It's amazing how SR helps in so many ways. To get outside advice when I am all emeshed in a familuy matter really puts it in a different light.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Lots of guilt or fear of guilt going around. I understand that. My family has been built on it for generations I think.
I am trying to break the mold. I realise that I either feel guilt because of ingrained patterns or I feel it because I am doing something that is against my core beliefs. Once I was able to make a hierarchy of what was important to me then I found it a lot easier to deal with the surrounding emotions.
I have a big belief in kids. And I believe that most acting out is a cry for help and love and attention. And boundaries. I know that taking him in is a massive step right now - please don't write him off though. He is a lot more than his behavior.
I am trying to break the mold. I realise that I either feel guilt because of ingrained patterns or I feel it because I am doing something that is against my core beliefs. Once I was able to make a hierarchy of what was important to me then I found it a lot easier to deal with the surrounding emotions.
I have a big belief in kids. And I believe that most acting out is a cry for help and love and attention. And boundaries. I know that taking him in is a massive step right now - please don't write him off though. He is a lot more than his behavior.
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Oh Mia - I would never write him off, I love him dearly, I hope he knows that. I saw him at Thanksgiving and he had the flu. I offered that he come stay with us and he turned down the offer.
I do know that kids are alot more than there troubled behaviors, I have a history of working with troubled kids. It usually does always boil down to attention seeking and anger.
I'm just not sure that this would be the best place for him. There is already so much going on in my life that by the end of the day I am spent. But then that statement makes me feel guilty. Oh what to do?
I do know that kids are alot more than there troubled behaviors, I have a history of working with troubled kids. It usually does always boil down to attention seeking and anger.
I'm just not sure that this would be the best place for him. There is already so much going on in my life that by the end of the day I am spent. But then that statement makes me feel guilty. Oh what to do?
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I'm just not sure that this would be the best place for him. There is already so much going on in my life that by the end of the day I am spent. But then that statement makes me feel guilty. Oh what to do?
by qualified I mean, are you ready at the end of the day to deal with stealing, drugs, patching holes in walls, dealing with the other effects it will have on the other kids,
all while you are supposed to be trying to help him?
I don't know those are decisions you get to make, and you don't have to put yourself on a guilt trip if you decide to say No.
If there are other options out there, other places out there that can help him???
We can't save the world as much as we want to, there comes a time when we have to let other people help also. You can still be in his life and still love him just as much.
Just another side to look at.
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Location: Kansas
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A huge step for me in working on my codependency issues was finally admitting I was not superwoman, and there were things I could not handle, nor did I need to be handling.
When every resource failed me that I turned to when all the red flags were going up with my then 15 year old daughter, I was at my wit's end. She ended up running away with a 24 year old predator, and that's when SRS finally stepped in. She was in juvenile lockup for a couple of months, and then in a foster home for a year.
I can't tell you how tough it was when she finally came home. I had to have a behavioral contract written up for her before they ever released her back to me. I attended parenting classes geared specifically for dealing with teens. We had family counseling, and individual counseling. She was subject to random UA's during the year of aftercare (still under supervision by the state though living under my roof). There were days I was in tears, and thought we would never get past that part of our lives.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, and you have your own kids to take care of.
Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer. God will take care of your nephew.
When every resource failed me that I turned to when all the red flags were going up with my then 15 year old daughter, I was at my wit's end. She ended up running away with a 24 year old predator, and that's when SRS finally stepped in. She was in juvenile lockup for a couple of months, and then in a foster home for a year.
I can't tell you how tough it was when she finally came home. I had to have a behavioral contract written up for her before they ever released her back to me. I attended parenting classes geared specifically for dealing with teens. We had family counseling, and individual counseling. She was subject to random UA's during the year of aftercare (still under supervision by the state though living under my roof). There were days I was in tears, and thought we would never get past that part of our lives.
You have nothing to feel guilty about, and you have your own kids to take care of.
Don't ever underestimate the power of prayer. God will take care of your nephew.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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Originally Posted by Toomutch 
RobinsFly - Yes there are some Job Corps in the area, I know in the past he has refused to go, but maybe that is just the place for him. Do you know how it works? Is there a cost involved?
I must clarify though, it's not a boot camp. The intention is to help young adults gain entry-level job skills. It works, for those youth who put forth some effort. Some youth resist the "authority" aspect of it. And JC has zero tolerance for substance abuse.
I'll try to dig up a web site.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
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Try out this website first:
U.S. Department of Labor - Job Corps
If centers are full in your state, JC may pay for transportation to another region.
Best of luck to you.
U.S. Department of Labor - Job Corps
If centers are full in your state, JC may pay for transportation to another region.
Best of luck to you.
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Thank you for your post Freedom. I admire you for getting through those times. How are you and your daughter doing now?
Robinsfly - I appreciate you looking up that web site - thank you!
Robinsfly - I appreciate you looking up that web site - thank you!
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