dazednconfuzed

Honestly, I wasn't brought up in a religious family, so I didn't realize I had a higher power, but I did! I didn't realize I had that higher power, until I lost it.

I did let things go to the higher power. I went to bed at night and resigned my life to this higher power so that I could sleep. I knew it was there, because I knew I didn't have control over EVERYTHING in my life. I knew the difference between what I could control and what I couldn't.

I could relax, because my higher power would deal with the things that were out of my hands anyway.

When I stopped relaxing and trying to find some kind of control over my life (and the A's alcohol) was when I lost it. I couldn't identify what I'd lost, because I never knew I had it in the first place. All I knew was that my life became increasingly harder. Everything and every thought was a chore. Nothing had any joy anymore. I was run ragged, yet I never accomplished anything. I didn' t know where the time went and by 13 years later I didn't even have time to look in a mirror or read a book, but before all of this I accomplished many things in my day.

The more this took me over, the less I did and the less I could do. I was becoming emotionally, mentally and even physically paralyzed. Even the smallest chores became impossible to do.

I now understand that my 'higher power' became the alcoholic and that I can't allow my world to be like that anymore.

I'm just scared that it's too late. I'm afraid that I've changed too much. I don't know how to relax anymore. I could lie on the couch all day and not relax. I've forgotten how. There's always something to be doing or thinking about that the A wants done. OMG - I hope it's not too late. I'm a completely changed person and it's a miserable one ...

bookwyrm

One thing I've learned from this board is that it is never too late to change. (((dazednconfused))).

Take a deep breath - heck take as many as you need. It will help calm you.

I found that the book 'Co-dependant No More' really helped me start changing my life in a practical way and I can't recommend it highly enough.

You have a lot of work ahead of you but don't be put off by it! You will get there one baby step at a time. It took you a long time to get to where you are now, so it will take time for you to change and become the person you want to be. You can do it! There are many here in the forum who have walked this road before you - lean on them and learn how to make the changes in your life that will make you happy.

greeteachday

I really relate to what you posted...I had this concept of a god that came from the religion I was raised in, but he wasn't a god that I particularly cared for. So over time that changed and I any concept of a higher power that I had, I too lost when my kids became active in drugs and alcohol. I somehow thought I was the one in control...trying to protect and save. It's scary to me now to think I believed I was that powerful.

I could not take that step 1 - admitting powerlessness, until I had a feeling soemthing was more powerful than me or drugs and alcohol. At first that power was the power of the Alanon and Naranon programs and the fellowship I found in the rooms and here. Gradually i also felt the presence of a higher power in my life...The peace I felt even amidst the darkest, most horrible times in my life (I lost one daughter to an overdose a little over 2 years ago)

I don't know that I could describe exactly who or what my God is, but I most definitely feel that presence of a higher power and I have this wonderful connection...Like talking with my best friend.

I know you will find it again too. Be gentle with yourself and patient. I think this revelation is one more step towards reconnecting with HP.

freeflower

Dazed and confused..thankyou for putting that feeling into words. I know axactlly the feeling of not being able to relax. I can say that thru all my ups and downs of living alone for the past 8 months, I am relearning to just sit and be happy with it. No feelings of anxiety or restlessness like I was living before I ventured out of my relationship with my AH. Sundays used to really kill me, my insides felt nervous for no apparent reason and I couldn't relax nor could I function. It was a heavy feeling, almost like dispair. This forum has helped alot and I have learned to cry out loud when I feel it and on Sundays, I always have a plan..to just get out, even to just wander around a store or take a drive. It is helping that I know THAT feeling and I crush it before it takes me down.
I'm here for you...you too can get it back. I know you can, but it takes a consious effort. HUGS

Susan67

My thoughts and prayers to you! Don't give up hope, little steps at a time. Small goals helped me get through the day. When I was able to achieve even the tiniest goal, I felt good about myself. Even if it meant that all I had to do was take a shower! Little by little it will get better.

volgal2

I am new to this forum. However, I feel like all of you are sitting with me in a group therapy session. I, too, was raised to fear an angry, punishing God. However, now I know differently. Since realizing that the Higher Power is not punishing, I have learned that my A is controlling my life by making me avoid any contact with her or her(my) family. I have given the power to her and as a result I have lost my love of family. I am working to regain my Higher Power. As Dr Phil likes to say, "Every family needs a hero". I am not that hero yet, but I do intend to work on reuniting our family.
I am older than most of you. Probably I am more concerned about the present and the future.
Thanks for listening.

guiab

dazednconfused,
You can bring the HP back into your life. I have been on the same road. I didn't find my HP in a church. I was raised catholic but I simply cannot connect to a god that seems hidden behind all the rituals, books, buildings, and various appointed representatives. I can see the reality of god by looking at a forest, the ocean, a sunrise, or a falling leaf.

To get from 'seeing' a HP to bringing the HP into one's life, I looked at the 12 steps - especially the first 3.
1) I am powerless over alcohol and alcoholism - my life has become unmanageable.
This one was easy for me. I keep repeating the same mistakes and have screwed up many relationships and jobs because I all too often have an incredibly arrogant self-centered desire for control and superiority. Unlike the normal world, desire or effort do not produce change in the codependent world.
2) Came to believe that a power greater than my self could restore me to sanity.
Key words here = 'power greater than myself'. Even my local alanon friends collectively have a hell of a lot more sense about right/wrong, good/bad, act/don't act than I do. Therefore as I believe in a god, than he/she/they definitely have as much sense as my friends and more sense than I do.
3) Made a decision to turn my life and will over to my HP
I am still working on making this a reality. The key words here are 'made a decision'. It does NOT say 'I turned my life over'. According to what I have read here (In the 3rd step sub-forum) and elsewhere, we 'turn our lives over' by going through steps 4 to 9.

It is also important to remember these 2 facts about our HP (these are not good ideas, principles, or guidelines, these are facts):
> You are never alone.
> You cannot do it (all) alone.

Keep posting, be well, and have a good New Year