someone please remind me that.....

Old 12-26-2008, 12:59 AM
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someone please remind me that.....

alcoholics are sick people and do sick things. please remind me of all the things i've shared with people here about alcoholics and the disease that destroys them and others.

i'm having the hardest time ever about my thinking concerning alcoholics....i'm thinking things like evil, freaks, what good are they, why can't we corrall all of them up, put them on an island and let them torture the hell outta each other. i'm feeling so much hatred for my xah right now that it is immeasurable.

i don't want that hatred to be a driving force again in my life.

right now, i need to be working on healing, and all i can manage is just to barely cope. get up. brush teeth. comb hair. collapse back into bed. wait 10 minutes and force myself to take my meds. make myself go into living room and say good morning to mama. brush teeth again. stare at self in mirror with toothpaste around my mouth and cry.

someone please cyber-shake me into reality again. give me shock treatments, tough talk, anything.

i've prayed so hard for serenity, peace, knowlege that i am in Gods hands, that he would show me thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

can't eat, sleep, or barely drink. my ole chicken skin that is supposed to be my arms just stand up like little tents when i pinch them. and they stay there. i can make my arms look like a heavily textured ceiling or the ceiling of a cave. this can take up a lot of time.

i ask myself.....what am i getting out of feeling like this? because i know i have the power to change it.......but all i feel is just super sick, and scared out of my mind.
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Old 12-26-2008, 01:50 AM
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Maybe we can start by narrowing this down to being angry at this A-hole that you were dating that robbed you.

Then we can narrow it down to he didn't even have to be drinking to be an A-hole.

Being sh1t pissed at an A-hole is a good place to start, when you can start working on being angry with just him, might be a bit more manageable.

But I won't be able to help if I'm stuck on an Island somewhere
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Old 12-26-2008, 02:12 AM
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thanks ago. i was married to him, just to clarify.

and you're right about one thing.....don't have to be al alkie to be an a-hole. but he was both.

and you are exempt from the island thingy......no fair for a recovering alcoholic to be with those other evil-doers.

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Old 12-26-2008, 02:17 AM
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please, ya'll, forgive me in advance for any inappropriate things i may say out of anger.

i know you all are not him. i respect all the work you all have done in your recovery and don't ever want to offend anyone.

believe it or not, i have a muzzle on my brain to keep from saying many stupid things....i'll try harder to calm it down.

if you knew anlything about me and my journey, you would know that i am usually very empathatic towards the alcoholic and their struggles.

this anger is wearing me out.
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Old 12-26-2008, 08:39 AM
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Oh no embraced, that is what the forum is for, we do so much appearing we are OK just to function in normal life to be the same here.

It is understandable you are very angry, I am too, and I just feel it in my stomach...

I hate the loneliness of it all and how you cannot hold to good memories because they are still out there showing the true colours !!

Maybe we can get together and hit some sk8ters on the street??
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:06 AM
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(((embraced)))

My anger took care of itself when the rest of my life became peaceful, secure, and happy. Until then, I just let it rage in its cell all it wanted, only letting it out when the A in my life did something stupid and disrespectful. (Picture having the tasmanian devil in a cage, and letting it out to chase him when it was appropriate. Rowr.)

I still have a very short fuse with active alcoholics, but the overwhelming anger is gone. I realize that I was blaming alcoholism for everything that went wrong in my life (including MY skin, health, etc.) When life got better, I got better, and there was no room left for rage.

Hoping that the baby steps you're taking to health and sanity will lead you to a place where your anger is obsolete.

Love,
GL
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Old 12-26-2008, 09:06 AM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
what good are they, why can't we corrall all of them up, put them on an island and let them torture the hell outta each other.
You know, although I don't actively hate my xaw any more, and believe me I didn't stop for her, it's all about me baby! I've had this very thought before, and remember, I'm a recovering drunk.

I thought why not put them on an island, in a bunch of very nice hotels, with very nice bars with free drinks and let 'em have at it! Mine doesn't work, hasn't for 4 years, doesn't contribute to society, family, her child, in any way I can see, and just leaches off everyone to continue her addiction. Really.......what purpose does she serve, what GOOD is she? If and when they were ready to recover they could call a recovery center and be scooped up and whisked away.

Think about it, no more drunk driving deaths, no more kids and families lives screwed up, no more holidays ruined, no more lying, cheating, stealing. They could do all these things to EACH OTHER.

I dunno, somebody please 'splain to me again why this isn't a good idea? Ha!

I'm writin' my congressman. Wait, who is my congressman again?

Thanks and God bless us all, :praying
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Old 12-26-2008, 10:51 AM
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what purpose does she serve, what GOOD is she?
This is an excellent question and one that I'll answer from my perspective and my experience. Even in his most pathetic, most humble, and sickest stage--the end stage of alcoholism--my boyfriend, Richard, did serve a purpose here on earth and that purpose was good. Sometimes the greatest gifts come from what seems like the lowliest of sources. In my case the gift of a lifetime came from a drunken man who could no longer walk, talk, or think straight. It came from a man who society might think no longer served a purpose.

But his life did serve a purpose and his illness did serve a greater good. It prompted me to seek help for myself, do more soul searching in a few months than I had done in a lifetime, and to finally begin living life for myself and not for others.

The help Richard offered to me had far-reaching effects. For as I learned how to live life for myself I began to share what I'd learned with others. And what I'd learned and shared reached far and wide--way beyond the forum on SR to others who lurk here and read every day. And even beyond that as I began to share my new-found knowledge with my sister, who also unknowingly suffered from co-dependency. It prompted her to begin her own soul-searching and quest for knowledge, and she, too, learned how to finally life her life for herself.

But she didn't stop there, she shared what she'd learned with her own four children as I shared what I learned with my own daughter and with coworkers who'd grown up in an alcoholic family or were struggling with addicted partners of their own.

This one, seemingly lowly alcoholic--who was never able to overcome his disease and change his own life, changed countless other lives just by living his life the way he chose.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, sometimes angels come in the most unexpected forms. Sometimes, they come in the form of lowly and struggling alcoholics who lead others on a path to redemption and joyous and happy lives.

That's the purpose that many alcoholics serve and they give their lives, unknowingly, so that others can learn to live in peace.

Recently I began a ritual of waking up each morning and thanking my higher power for all that's good in my life. Each day I thank him for my beautiful daughter, whom I love more than life itself, my mother and father who raised me with loving care, my six siblings who have always been the center of my life, a warm and safe place to sleep, plenty of food to eat, a good steady job, friends and coworkers whom I love, the folks at SR who help me learn and grow every day, and most of all Richard, who was a good man with a terrible disease who still managed to teach me important life lessons and ultimately led me to a better life.

And each day my sister also includes Richard in her gratitude journal because his journey led to my journey, which led to her journey, which led to her childrens' journey, and so on and so on.

Richard is gone now and yet he managed to give me a gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving.

My anger has long since subsided and in it's place I have eternal gratitude for the man he was before he became an alcoholic and the man he was when he was so very lost in his disease. No matter how sick addicts get, there's still a human behind the disease. I loved Richard then and I love him now.

Maybe a daily gratitude list would be helpful to you, too. It can be a simple but life altering tool. Sometimes the simplest gifts are the best. Today Jeri, and every day, I wish you peace.
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Old 12-26-2008, 11:16 AM
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Thank you for sharing, FD.

((( )))
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Old 12-26-2008, 04:45 PM
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I have to think of him as crazy insane to not get angry.

And well...he IS insane.

It's hard for me to stay angry at a crazy person.

Not much help, I know. But, it works for me.
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Old 12-26-2008, 06:11 PM
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You know, this may be a little off topic but I find that when I'm really really angry, the best thing for me is to work out in some capacity. I happen to train in the martial arts and boy, I love that punching bag. And I love it when can visualize a face on it. So embraced, I really suggest finding a physical outlet to help you in your process of healing. Not only will the endorphins kick in and give you a mood enhancement, it's also a way to surround yourself with healthy people. (well, supposedly. That's where I met my alcoholic go figure) Anyway, I used to think that martial artists would look down their noses at me because I'm overweight and kinda dorky, but the ones I konw are great people. I really suggest finding a group activity to become involved with and perhaps some of the mental eight you carry won't seem so heavy..
Peace
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Old 12-26-2008, 06:24 PM
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Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
i'm having the hardest time ever about my thinking concerning alcoholics....i'm thinking things like evil, freaks, what good are they, why can't we corrall all of them up, put them on an island and let them torture the hell outta each other. i'm feeling so much hatred for my xah right now that it is immeasurable.
Hi embraced:

Feeling those emotions might not be a bad thing. I am not saying it's good, either. They simply are. Allow yourself to feel all of those emotions, and don't pass judgment on whether they are good or bad. Give your mind a rest from the incessant thoughts and just get in the moment and feel what you feel.

My mind constantly wants to categorize events as good or bad. However, I can tell you now that I don't know what is good or bad anymore. I used to think that all of the emotional pain I went through in my life was a curse. Now, I see it as a blessing because it weakened my ego and served as a major driving force in my life to become more conscious. So is it a blessing or a curse? I don't know. Maybe it just is what it is.

Originally Posted by embraced2000 View Post
I don't want that hatred to be a driving force again in my life.
Maybe that hatred can be a driving force to make you more conscious?

Peace.
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Old 12-27-2008, 07:50 PM
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thanks for all of your responses.

monday, i meet with my attorney and start the task of unraveling all this financial mess.

on the 1/31 i begin with a new counselor. have made three appointments and broke each one because i freeze in the parking lot with anxiety attacks that leave me glued to my car seat.

so, she is going to have me call her when i leave home, meet me in the parking lot, and walk me in. how pathetic is that? but i know i have to do it....can feel myself getting weirder by the day. i've got to build a support group to help me get through all this legal stuff.

i honestly feel like i need to be someplace for a while. like a stress center or behavioral unit. i'm having thoughts that i just can't get through all of this.

i have to, though. i spent the day with all my family.....all my children and their spouses, and all their children......my precious children and grandchildren. i was rather quiet, but i was just staring at them when they didn't know it, and my heart was so big and full of love for them. watching my children become the parents that they are just blows me away.

to see how they nurture and love their children is the absolute best thing in my life.....and i think....i must have done something right.
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Old 12-27-2008, 08:56 PM
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You've done lots of things right, Jeri. You'll get through this mess one step at a time. I'm glad you're going to see a counselor despite your fear.
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Old 12-28-2008, 01:36 AM
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It's not pathetic at all, it's human

Do what you need to do to "getterdone" no matter what

If that means having her meet you and walk you through the parking lot, that's fine.

When I went back to AA after "slipping" 8 years ago, I had to call a man I hated (who wasn't viewing me with any great kindness either) to go with me to a meeting.

He held my hand.

We are men.

We are big "lumberjack" manly man men

He held my F'ing hand.

I was a cliff rescue paramedic that specialized in Helicopter rescues that had a really dangerous job as a hobby (trees), and I was terrified.

Next time you go, and she has to come get you, I want you to visualize two large muscly guys, one hairy and covered in tatoos having to "hold hands" to get through what you are going through alone.

Take the help. It's Life and Death, it really is.

We are all here for you as well, visualize us "holding your hand" as you do this, take baby steps, ask for help, and you will get through this.
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Old 12-28-2008, 08:50 AM
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My thoughts on this are similar to FD's. In fact, I was just having a conversation with a dear friend the other night and I wondered out loud if I would have embarked on this journey of self-discovery if things hadn't gotten as bad as they did. I think many people live dull, unimaginative, numb lives simply because it's not "that bad." Human nature is to take the path of least resistance, and I feel profoundly grateful that my status quo became so unbearable that I couldn't continue down that path.

My new path is so much more fulfilling and satisfying. I feel more alive than I have in all my 46 years of being. I didn't get to this place quickly, however. I spent many months raging into my journal, questioning why, resisting reality. It's been over three years since I kicked my husband out of the house and stepped away from the insanity. The peace I feel now is something I never could have imagined back then. Give yourself time, feel whatever it is you feel, just keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you will look back and realize that you had to go through it in order to get to the other side.

(((Jeri)))

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Old 12-28-2008, 09:01 PM
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how would you feel if the actions of the alcoholic, combined with my own stupidity with allowing him to be my work partner, caused you to be arrested and facing criminal prosecution?

i loved him and trusted him in the depths of my own addiction to him. that is the lesson i must learn from this. i hate myself about as much as i hate him right now.

i feel embarssed, publicly humiliated, and scared chitless about facing this. i could, and possibly will, have to spend time in jail because of all this.

you all know how the law works.....they will offer a plea bargain that will benefit me to take a plea rather than go to jury trial and risk spending a huge amount of time if found guilty.

i don't know what he did, or how he did it. i only know that i have done nothing wrong.

i worked hard and relentlessly. the last 2 years, after i let him back into my life, is when i let him take over in the office much more. partly because he insisted and it was easier to let him then to fight him about it, and partly because i have struggled so badly with my health.

none of that really matters because ultimately i was the manager and was responsible.

i'm just so scarred about learning about all of it. i don't want to know. i've never felt so betrayed in all my life.

if i'm whining, let me know. right now, nothing could offend me. i'm at the lowest i've ever been.
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:41 PM
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Believe me there are always others that are out there that have had it worse or feel lower than you do. Don't beat yourself up it's anti-productive and an easy way out. Just tell the truth and let what happens happen as it's all you can do at this point. You're not the only one to get screwed over by an alcoholic. They try to feed their disease by consuming you or anyone else they have to. They just want to get what they need. It's part of it all. It's totally selfish and blinding of all morality, alcoholism. Like I always say this disease never seizes to just blow me away. I've seen things spawn from it that just make no sense and are so wrong to anyone with the slightest understanding of right and wrong. Yet they just keep happening wherever this disease roams. You won't be surprised any more. Consider it part of the crucial learnings with this thing that make you better prepared to deal with it in the future.
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Old 12-28-2008, 10:42 PM
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It sounds like you have a lot to be angry about. Anger is an emotion that can have positive or negative effects:

It can empower a person to change.
OR
It can eat a person up from the inside out.

I was really angry at my xah for such a long time. It finally dawned on me that it was doing more harm to me and my son than it was to the x. When I finally let go of the anger, I made peace with myself and it felt like a huge weight was lifted off of my back.

You have a lot to do. Your energy is limited. Direct it toward helping yourself. My thoughts are with you.

gentle hugs
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Old 12-29-2008, 06:50 AM
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Embraced, I've "known" you via cyberspace for over two years now so I know what you've been through with him. I think you're right that what happened here was your addiction to him caused you to make some bad choices. The need for love causes all kinds of people to do all kinds of stupid stuff.

There's no way to sugar coat that you're going to have a lot on your plate for the next x number of months. Get a good lawyer - offer to be a witness against him NOW while there might be time to do so. Do that through a lawyer, don't try it on your own. Protect yourself with everything you have - make your survival your passion. How passionate would you be to save someone else in your position? Protect yourself with that same devotion.

I read this thing that has helped me a lot with guilt - it said that guilt is a simple lack of self-acceptance. Accept that you did what you did and trusted wrongly and move on. I think that after this no one will mess around with you again because you will have been tried by fire.

And when this case is all over you can walk away from him for good. For good. And you'll truly be free of him.
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