angry and depressed

Old 12-24-2008, 05:38 AM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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angry and depressed

and sick with the flu too.

Its the morning of Christmas Eve and my tree stands undecorated still, not a present bought, my plans for the kids and I for Christmas have been blown apart.

I am totally broke and depressed and angry and lonely and feeling like I have no control over my life, my plans. I have to work Christmas Day and the day after, so made alternate arrangements for Christmas with my girls. Between their two fathers, those plans have been blown to heck. People are so selfish.

Someone give me a kick in the butt and tell me to get over myself already.
Time for the pity party to stop.

Bah humbug.
Next year will be better, right? It HAS to be......
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Old 12-24-2008, 05:43 AM
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I'm so sorry! Remember it's not the tree or any of that stuff! It's all about our higher power and our family. The trimmings for Christmas are great and all; but they are just things....

My Aunt is laying in a hospital she will most likely die today. Love your family. It's life that is really the most important thing.

Hugs!!! Feel better!!!
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Old 12-24-2008, 05:54 AM
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I am so sorry things aren't going the way you would like them to. I pray that you feel the peace and joy that is the reason for Christmas even in these difficult times.
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Old 12-24-2008, 07:11 AM
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Hi strongerwoman!!
To hell with christmas and having to act happy
I am working as well 24/7 and also new year's.. just as last year.
These times are about family and about giving thanks for reaching the end of another year. And for reaching the end of the year with a job. I actually got another job which I will be attending to all day the 25th so instead of lamenting I say "wow, many people struggling and I am lucky enough to be overwhelmed by work and two jobs".

Many people won't have the chance to continue living and learning and growing and seeing yet another sunset next year so just count your blessings and ask for strength...

My plans with my mom are cleaning up the flat lol and perhaps having some dinner.. we've got a few presents.. my sis and bro in law will come on Friday.. so I am just grateful we get to see each other a few days.

Enjoy your girls, time will fly and you'll see back, you had youth, you had work to do, internally and externally, you had your daughters and promises of better stuff to come..and you did not see it?? don't look back in regret!
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Old 12-24-2008, 07:24 AM
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Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
and sick with the flu too.

I am totally broke and depressed and angry and lonely and feeling like I have no control over my life, my plans. I have to work Christmas Day and the day after, so made alternate arrangements for Christmas with my girls.
I am sorry about you being sick, I find that "colors" all my emotions when I'm "down"

I am also "broke" for Christmas, but I feel blessed, my life is full of love, and I don't even have children. I am sorry you have to work, and sorry to be a Pollyanna, but work is a "curse" many don't have right now in this economies downturn, could the opportunity to make money and be able to put food on the table and be independent actually be a good thing?

Is there any way you can arrange to spend one/both evenings with "the girls", make some hot tea and watch "It's a Wonderful Life", Miracle on 64th street, and/or a Christmas Story?

You have a Life full of "gifts" otherwise known as "daughters" many people would give their right arm for, you have a home, food on the table, can you let your expectations of what you wanted your Christmas to look like go and be happy for what is?

Sorry, it's just easy to see all the positives in your life from here, I know it can be hard to see sometimes when I feel like "Pigpen" from peanuts except for a dust cloud it's like a little rain cloud above my head.

Hope your day gets better.
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Old 12-24-2008, 07:36 AM
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Oh I've got the flu too
Pass me the napkins and wake me up when its Spring and I am totally dettached..

Hugs strongerwoman!!
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Old 12-24-2008, 07:46 AM
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Can't make sense out of crazy.
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thanks everyone.

I guess I feel left behind and lonely. there wont be any family gatherings for me, as I watch everyone else I know go off to be with their families. I am thankful for my job, not really bothered that I have to work Christmas day, just the fact that since I do have to work the holiday, I had to bend over backwards to make plans for the holidays with my kids.

I feel like a failure because there is no gifts for my kids, I dont have time or money to create any memories with them. Because they have two differenet fathers, they will be in different places at different times for the next few days, and while I'm glad they will be having a nice time, I will be alone.

I dont get to spend time with my kids even, in the place of gifts, I made plans for a lovely weekend spent with them baking and watching movies and crafting, since I have the weekend off.
I could have fought the plans their fathers made, but in the name of peace, I just let it go.
I had compromised and then compromised again, changing everything around to have my Christmas time with my kids this weekend, then STBXAH changed his plans last minute which changed and ruined my plans again.

I'm just tired of feeling like my life and dreams and hopes and plans are always out of my control and being ruined by other people who typically are selfish and looking out for themselves.

Divorce and kids and the holidays don't mix well, thats for sure.

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Old 12-24-2008, 07:51 AM
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Hugs, strongerwoman. I know these things probably don't make you feel better, but since you asked for a kick...god bless the people here who deliver

We lost the matriarch of our family four weeks ago, and would give anything to have one more Christmas with her, whether or not it involved things with bows on them. My brother lives in Detroit, and it's very likely that he won't be going back to work after the holidays - and he has a wife, two kids and a home in jeopardy.

A few months ago you were telling us you didn't even have a job or your certification. Now you do. You are making progress.

Do something gorgeous and free....go look at lights, get a movie from the Library and watch it with popcorn and hot cocoa, Google free events for your city, go dish up some hot meals for people who truly DO have nothing at all. Stop wasting time & energy on what you don't have, and focus on what you do. And make a plan for next year so you don't do this to yourself again. You deserve to have the holiday you want, not the one you think will "keep the peace."

Please?
Love,
GL
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Old 12-24-2008, 09:43 AM
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When I was going thru my ugly divorce and found myself alone on Thanksgiving AND Christmas Day, I found a place to do some volunteer work. I served a meal at a shelter and gave some time at a home so someone else could have a few hours off with family.

It was all about getting OUT of myself and into service. It wasn't a Norman Rockwell Christmas, but few are. It ended up being good, and I felt richly blessed.

It has taken me awhile to realize that my family doesn't look like the picture perfect/TV perfect family, and my holidays don't look like those either. Thru the years we've made new memories, we celebrate holidays one of the days /weekends near a holiday, and we always have a good time. What my kids remember today is that we always laughed, we always loved each other, and we were flexible. In my world, that matters most.

Big hugs. I know how hard it is.

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Old 12-24-2008, 11:30 AM
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Hi strongerwoman!

Well another go .. trying cheering you up lol.
These days your daughters will be out and spend some great time with their fathers.. when I grew up I seldom spent time with my dad so pleaseee think about your girls and how much they need their fathers too..
And well, I will see my family for 4!! days before my mom goes to Mex city, my sister goes back to France and my brother in law goes back to Congo. Until who knows when, probably another year will pass til everybody can take some vacations.
You will have your daughters back after the season and you can enjoy them everyday! :>
Expectations suck and also to be motivated by something and then finding yourself alone. But why don't you make a point on making yourself feel good? Take a bath.. paint your nails... play loud music.. the one you LOVE... cook something for yourself.. go for a walk.. call past friends... rent all the TV series you wish and eat all the hageen dazs you can... Try to treat yourself better !!
OR..the other option.. (when I was feeling really down and wanted nothing but sleep and cry)... is to really FEEL all your sadness and play the music that makes you feel even worse and write all that makes you angry...... and use your free time to really FEEL all what you've got so you stop carrying it the next year.

Anyway you will feel better ... :>
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Old 12-25-2008, 03:18 PM
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Hugs to you, strongerwoman!!!!! I'm new here, but am a very experienced FORMER enabler-codependent of an XABF. Your holidays sound similar to mine, with kids all over the place, but being here on this site and sharing is making me feel 110% better. Wishing you all the best & urge you to stay strong!!!
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Old 12-25-2008, 09:53 PM
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Stronger, I am with you although my AW uses my money to create the picture of Christmas for my boys with the money I earn because she isn't working and in a sober-rehab facility......and makes everyone feel sorry for her. Trust me even when there are lots of gifts and you have what you think are the "things" of Christmas it will not make you happy. Her birthday is the 26th of December and she has always used that day as a way to control and keep the attention on her. Since we are separated I wanted to take the boys to SF to vist my parents and Sister's family but my boys feel "bad" that they will miss her B-day. All during our 17 year marriage I would tell my AW and kids that I would rather shop for a gift with them on my B-Day and Christmas or just have a nice meal. It was the time with them that was important. My AW has taught them that the presents and number of them was important. I was at my mother-inlaw's for Christmas today and we all had to open gifts in a circle. One person went then the next around the circle. I agree with Ago that some people have nothing to eat or a warm place to stay yet we measure whether we are valued and loved by the number of gifts we get and how we open them! I have to break this cycle! Maybe my pending divorce is clouding my vision right now but that is how I feel!

Merry x-mas!
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Old 12-26-2008, 02:34 AM
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strongerwoman, i am right there with you. maybe we should sit in the corner together and eat worms.....you know that little song?

you do have a job. what a blessing. i'm so desperate for a job, i'm ready to take a paper route just to have some money coming in.geez, i think about getting up at 3:30 on the weekends, and then every evening and i wonder if i can do it. and the snow is coming....can i do that?

at tthis point, it doesn't really matter. i've got to. i live in a very small community, and jobs are like hens teeth.
never thought i'd be running a paper route, but what the hay, huh? it's money.

many hugs coming your way.
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Old 12-26-2008, 08:19 AM
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Embraced, I love our paper carrier and thank god for her every morning. You'll be terrific!
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Old 12-29-2008, 05:38 AM
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Strongerwoman, I am sorry you are feeling so rubbish, and in an attempt to help you get that kick in the butt you requested...

Don't judge yourself by other people's lives, that is the sure way to pave misery for yourself! There will ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS be someone out there who has more than you, be that money, friends, free time. No matter who you are or how rich you are, happiness is NOT found comparing self with others. Look within, look at your achievements - which you DO have - you passed your nursing exams just this summer, you are getting your life together for yourself, you are showing your girls how to be independant. Search yourself for compliments and tell yourself EVERYDAY how well you are doing!

Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
I feel like a failure because there is no gifts for my kids, I dont have time or money to create any memories with them...

I dont get to spend time with my kids even, in the place of gifts, I made plans for a lovely weekend spent with them baking and watching movies and crafting, since I have the weekend off..
This is a condradiction in itself! So what if you do not spend lots of money on your children! You are not the first and WILL NOT be the last who cannot do this. You said you had no time to spend with your children, yet you also dedicated a whole weekend to quality time with them, making and creating those memories you previously said you couldn't do.

Originally Posted by strongerwoman View Post
...I had compromised and then compromised again, changing everything around to have my Christmas time with my kids this weekend, then STBXAH changed his plans last minute which changed and ruined my plans again.

I'm just tired of feeling like my life and dreams and hopes and plans are always out of my control and being ruined by other people who typically are selfish and looking out for themselves.
Then look out for YOURSELF! It is possible to overly comprimise, especially with people you KNOW to be unreliable. You made a rod for your own back here, learn from this season, and know in future, your happiness is in YOUR hands, don't comprimise it away, and trust in people worthy of your trust!

I hope you get out of your depression, I know it all too well, and I know it is possible to break away from, are you getting any therapy? You sound very low and are beating yourself up for things and for no good reason! Be knider to yourself strongerwoman!

Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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