Quack, quack
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Quack, quack
Help!!!!!!I can't stand my EXABFs quacking. The more I try to detach, the more aware I seem to be of how much he quacks and how they are the same quacks over and over again that have been working for him. He uses the same put downs, the same threats and the same BS in general to try to manipulate me. I guess I was never ready to give up 100% on the relationship, I was in denial about the patterns I was participating in, but now I know that this is not what I want for my daughter or myself.
I understand that not reacting at all is the best response to the quacking, what else works?
Did any try to maintain "normal" contact before resorting to no contact?
Happy Holidays!
Susan
I understand that not reacting at all is the best response to the quacking, what else works?
Did any try to maintain "normal" contact before resorting to no contact?
Happy Holidays!
Susan
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
No, I did not attempt "normal" contact because "normal" isn't what I was getting while living with my exAH. I certainly didn't expect normal after I left.
I learned to detach, ignore, live my own life, get on with my own business, and leave the addict to pursue his addiction to his heart's delight.
No response whatsoever to the quacking generally results in less quacking. You can't argue with a mute.
The only time I had any interaction with my exAH was when I met him in a mall parking lot to sign our tax returns. It took all of 30 seconds, I got back in my car, and was gone. He mailed me a copy of the returns.
End of story. I divorced him and he never showed up for any of the hearings, nor did he have an attorney represent him during the divorce action. Fine by me. Fine by him.
After I moved out for good, I was on the Internet one day and saw his big fat mug on "match.com." It was hysterical because it was actually a photo taken of us at a Christmas party - but he had cut me out of the photo.
Oh, yeah ... and the biggest laugh was his slogan: "Looking for my 'soul-mate.' I will know her when I find her."
Pity the poor women who responded to THAT!
I learned to detach, ignore, live my own life, get on with my own business, and leave the addict to pursue his addiction to his heart's delight.
No response whatsoever to the quacking generally results in less quacking. You can't argue with a mute.
The only time I had any interaction with my exAH was when I met him in a mall parking lot to sign our tax returns. It took all of 30 seconds, I got back in my car, and was gone. He mailed me a copy of the returns.
End of story. I divorced him and he never showed up for any of the hearings, nor did he have an attorney represent him during the divorce action. Fine by me. Fine by him.
After I moved out for good, I was on the Internet one day and saw his big fat mug on "match.com." It was hysterical because it was actually a photo taken of us at a Christmas party - but he had cut me out of the photo.
Oh, yeah ... and the biggest laugh was his slogan: "Looking for my 'soul-mate.' I will know her when I find her."
Pity the poor women who responded to THAT!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi MayaandMe
Having contact with my exAH meant hearing about his new drunkard girlfriend, his daily parties, trips here and there and about how he could live and enjoy his life without me right away. Or at least that is what he showed. I was in tears for most of those weeks so acting that I was OK too was too stressful. He just told me "I am just trying to be happy.. and I am sorry" with a little smile on his face, not a heartfelt, real apology. So I learned this was it and this was him.
Now that I told him to keep distance my life is more peaceful and I can finally focus on myself, my process...
Just like the duck quacking analogy... I tend to see him as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I went out with Dr Jekyll and losing those good times has been tough, accepting those are over and the person I knew has been lost somewhere in Addiction Limbo, where the otherwise good souls are kept..
Right now you would be talking to Mr Hyde, the one under addiction, who will just keep hurting you and anyone else he manages to lure with the fewer and fewer glimpses of Dr Jekyll. Remember that Dr Jekyll won't come back. At least not before a few years of real sobriety.
My analogy is geeky but it has helped me a great deal in sorting out this mess and confusion. Hope you protect yourself first and foremost and have a nice holiday :>
Having contact with my exAH meant hearing about his new drunkard girlfriend, his daily parties, trips here and there and about how he could live and enjoy his life without me right away. Or at least that is what he showed. I was in tears for most of those weeks so acting that I was OK too was too stressful. He just told me "I am just trying to be happy.. and I am sorry" with a little smile on his face, not a heartfelt, real apology. So I learned this was it and this was him.
Now that I told him to keep distance my life is more peaceful and I can finally focus on myself, my process...
Just like the duck quacking analogy... I tend to see him as Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. I went out with Dr Jekyll and losing those good times has been tough, accepting those are over and the person I knew has been lost somewhere in Addiction Limbo, where the otherwise good souls are kept..
Right now you would be talking to Mr Hyde, the one under addiction, who will just keep hurting you and anyone else he manages to lure with the fewer and fewer glimpses of Dr Jekyll. Remember that Dr Jekyll won't come back. At least not before a few years of real sobriety.
My analogy is geeky but it has helped me a great deal in sorting out this mess and confusion. Hope you protect yourself first and foremost and have a nice holiday :>
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Addicts quack, and that's all they do. There is no truth, no reality, nothing real in what they say and do while they are active in their addictions.
Frankly, it's a waste of my time to even listen to them quack. I've got better things to do.
Frankly, it's a waste of my time to even listen to them quack. I've got better things to do.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Managua, Nicaragua
Posts: 135
Thanks for your replies.
I think I was still in denial, thinking that I could help him or something. Not wanting to admit the reality of the ugly situation that he is creating for himself.
I also want to give my daughter the chance to know her dad, but he seems to not care either way. He seems to only be focused on drinking.
He is responsible for his relationship with her and I am responsible for mine. I feel very sad that she won't have a great dad who wants to do everything with her and would give anything for her, but I need to face this reality.
Thanks again.
Susan
I think I was still in denial, thinking that I could help him or something. Not wanting to admit the reality of the ugly situation that he is creating for himself.
I also want to give my daughter the chance to know her dad, but he seems to not care either way. He seems to only be focused on drinking.
He is responsible for his relationship with her and I am responsible for mine. I feel very sad that she won't have a great dad who wants to do everything with her and would give anything for her, but I need to face this reality.
Thanks again.
Susan
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I wanted to say I am at work, very relaxed until I hear the quacking of the ex from far away... but I am not letting it ruin my day.
Quacking, that's all it is!
MayaandMe...it is sad she won't have that great dad...at least for now.. but that is his choice, it is not your burden to carry. Someday he may look back or change his ways with your daughter... after 23 years of hating my absent dad (not because of alcohol but he went with another woman) just a few weeks ago we could start having a healthier and closer relation.. and I am in my way of forgiving him.. so not everything is lost.
You need to be OK for you and for your daughter
Just focus on that
Hugs!!
Quacking, that's all it is!
MayaandMe...it is sad she won't have that great dad...at least for now.. but that is his choice, it is not your burden to carry. Someday he may look back or change his ways with your daughter... after 23 years of hating my absent dad (not because of alcohol but he went with another woman) just a few weeks ago we could start having a healthier and closer relation.. and I am in my way of forgiving him.. so not everything is lost.
You need to be OK for you and for your daughter
Just focus on that
Hugs!!
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