Worried about my best friend
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Worried about my best friend
Me and my best friend seem to be getting futher and further apart recently, and everyone else that knows him seems to be feeling the same. I haven't had a proper conversation with him since July, every time I call he's out. He's stopped calling me, and doesn't make the effort to visit anymore (we live a fair distance apart). Every time I go see him, he's distanced and just doesn't seem with it at all. We must have spent two hours walking somewhere last time I went to see him, and in that time, we hardly spoke at all.
Since he's become distanced from me and his friends, I can't work out who he's spending his time with. At one point, I was literally the only person he had to speak to, with us speaking nearly every day. It doesn't seem like I've been replaced though... I thought I'd been replaced with someone else and when I was talking to the person I thought was he new best friend the other
day, they said that hadn't really spoken to him much at all, and they were never that close. He's living in an area where he could easily be out every night and getting up to all sorts, drugs and alcohol are common around there, and I'm worried he's got caught up in all of it.
He's always liked his drink, but he seems to have moved away from drinking because he wants to in a social setting, to drinking because he has to. A friend of mine commented they see him on webcam, home on his own, and he's rarely seen without a drink in his hand. Drinking a litre of Vodka in a night seems to be happening all too often now, and some nights it is more. Last time I was at his, I had a bit of his drink, which I thought was just an orange juice in a pint glass, and it was vodka and orange, mixed 50/50, and he was on his fifth of the night by 11 o clock, and he wasnt showing any signs of stopping when I went to bed. When I asked him about it he just looked as me as though it's a perfectly normal way to drink...
Truth is, I'm worried what will happen if I leave him to it. I'm still worried about him, despite not speaking much, I'm worried he's going to end up either in hospital, jail or dead! He's got anger problems to top it all off, and
he flipped out at me once, and had he not stopped himself when he realised what he was doing, there is no doubt about it, I wouldk have ended up in hospital! I hate to think what would happen if he did that now when drunk, to
me or anyone else.
The issue is, I am supposed to be going to visit him at New Year. I've said I'll go from the 29th December and stay for New Year, I just don't know if I want to... He's already started getting drink for it, he was talking about having bought a couple of litres of stupidly strong Vodka, and asking do I want anything. I know that if I stay for the New Year, I'm just going to worry about him the whole night and probably not see him at all.
The other thing is, do I say anything to him? He has done so much for me, and I don't feel like I can just leave him be. But I know if I mention anything, he'll assure me he's fine and won't want to talk about it. In addition to that, what can I ask him to do to sort himself out, I just don't know where to start! He's seriously going to screw his life up unless he stops this pretty quickly, and I can't just watch him do that...
Thanks in advance for any advice
P.S. Sorry if the formatting is a bit messed up, I wrote it in a text file and copied and pasted it in!
Since he's become distanced from me and his friends, I can't work out who he's spending his time with. At one point, I was literally the only person he had to speak to, with us speaking nearly every day. It doesn't seem like I've been replaced though... I thought I'd been replaced with someone else and when I was talking to the person I thought was he new best friend the other
day, they said that hadn't really spoken to him much at all, and they were never that close. He's living in an area where he could easily be out every night and getting up to all sorts, drugs and alcohol are common around there, and I'm worried he's got caught up in all of it.
He's always liked his drink, but he seems to have moved away from drinking because he wants to in a social setting, to drinking because he has to. A friend of mine commented they see him on webcam, home on his own, and he's rarely seen without a drink in his hand. Drinking a litre of Vodka in a night seems to be happening all too often now, and some nights it is more. Last time I was at his, I had a bit of his drink, which I thought was just an orange juice in a pint glass, and it was vodka and orange, mixed 50/50, and he was on his fifth of the night by 11 o clock, and he wasnt showing any signs of stopping when I went to bed. When I asked him about it he just looked as me as though it's a perfectly normal way to drink...
Truth is, I'm worried what will happen if I leave him to it. I'm still worried about him, despite not speaking much, I'm worried he's going to end up either in hospital, jail or dead! He's got anger problems to top it all off, and
he flipped out at me once, and had he not stopped himself when he realised what he was doing, there is no doubt about it, I wouldk have ended up in hospital! I hate to think what would happen if he did that now when drunk, to
me or anyone else.
The issue is, I am supposed to be going to visit him at New Year. I've said I'll go from the 29th December and stay for New Year, I just don't know if I want to... He's already started getting drink for it, he was talking about having bought a couple of litres of stupidly strong Vodka, and asking do I want anything. I know that if I stay for the New Year, I'm just going to worry about him the whole night and probably not see him at all.
The other thing is, do I say anything to him? He has done so much for me, and I don't feel like I can just leave him be. But I know if I mention anything, he'll assure me he's fine and won't want to talk about it. In addition to that, what can I ask him to do to sort himself out, I just don't know where to start! He's seriously going to screw his life up unless he stops this pretty quickly, and I can't just watch him do that...
Thanks in advance for any advice
P.S. Sorry if the formatting is a bit messed up, I wrote it in a text file and copied and pasted it in!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Perhaps think out ahead of time what you are willing to accept in terms of his behaviors while you are visiting and what you will do if your boundaries are violated. For instance, if you do not want to be around your friend if he's drunk, what are your options? Leave and stay somewhere else? Cut the visit short? Ignore it? What do you want to do to preserve your own sanity?
AKA 'grewupinabarn'
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: New Hampshire
Posts: 471
Lastchance,
It sounds like your friend is deliberately avoiding friends, including you. The problem is likely drinking, but since he is not talking to you it is hard to say.
Basically, you are concerned about him and you don't know enough about what is going on. He is backing off from talking to anyone. You need to show him you are concerned about his drinking. There may be something else going wrong in his life but you don't know that. Focus on the drinking and isolation. You could try writing an old-fashioned letter, maybe with another friend or relative. You could also contact any relatives. Be careful, as he may be having conflicts with his family, or they may have drinking problems (just speculating here).
I hope this goes well. You are truly a caring and brave friend.
Way to go there, dude.
It sounds like your friend is deliberately avoiding friends, including you. The problem is likely drinking, but since he is not talking to you it is hard to say.
Basically, you are concerned about him and you don't know enough about what is going on. He is backing off from talking to anyone. You need to show him you are concerned about his drinking. There may be something else going wrong in his life but you don't know that. Focus on the drinking and isolation. You could try writing an old-fashioned letter, maybe with another friend or relative. You could also contact any relatives. Be careful, as he may be having conflicts with his family, or they may have drinking problems (just speculating here).
I hope this goes well. You are truly a caring and brave friend.
Way to go there, dude.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
One of the most powerful moments in my life in terms of "impacting" my drinking was when my best friend said he was going to cut off all contact with me until I quit drinking because if I continued down my present road I was going to die, and he didn't want to be close to me when that happened.
That was nearly 20 years ago, I've been sober for the most part ever since, we are still best friends, and we talked about that conversation a few weeks ago.
Around the same time period a man came over to my house and asked "what we were going to do that day" and I told him I couldn't drink with him any more, he was too much trouble.
He approached me 15 years later and told me that statement ruined his drinking forever, I was his "lowest of lower companions" I was crazier then anyone he had ever met, and when his "lower companion" wouldn't even drink with him any more he knew it was over.
He's been sober except for one slip 10 years ago, for nearly 20 years now.
We tell our friends the truth, that's what friends do, then we set boundaries and take care of ourselves, that's what healthy people do.
No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.
Good Luck
That was nearly 20 years ago, I've been sober for the most part ever since, we are still best friends, and we talked about that conversation a few weeks ago.
Around the same time period a man came over to my house and asked "what we were going to do that day" and I told him I couldn't drink with him any more, he was too much trouble.
He approached me 15 years later and told me that statement ruined his drinking forever, I was his "lowest of lower companions" I was crazier then anyone he had ever met, and when his "lower companion" wouldn't even drink with him any more he knew it was over.
He's been sober except for one slip 10 years ago, for nearly 20 years now.
We tell our friends the truth, that's what friends do, then we set boundaries and take care of ourselves, that's what healthy people do.
No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.
Good Luck
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Ago 
One of the most powerful moments in my life in terms of "impacting" my drinking was when my best friend said he was going to cut off all contact with me until I quit drinking because if I continued down my present road I was going to die, and he didn't want to be close to me when that happened.
That was nearly 20 years ago, I've been sober for the most part ever since, we are still best friends, and we talked about that conversation a few weeks ago.
Around the same time period a man came over to my house and asked "what we were going to do that day" and I told him I couldn't drink with him any more, he was too much trouble.
He approached me 15 years later and told me that statement ruined his drinking forever, I was his "lowest of lower companions" I was crazier then anyone he had ever met, and when his "lower companion" wouldn't even drink with him any more he knew it was over.
He's been sober except for one slip 10 years ago, for nearly 20 years now.
We tell our friends the truth, that's what friends do, then we set boundaries and take care of ourselves, that's what healthy people do.
No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.
Good Luck
That was nearly 20 years ago, I've been sober for the most part ever since, we are still best friends, and we talked about that conversation a few weeks ago.
Around the same time period a man came over to my house and asked "what we were going to do that day" and I told him I couldn't drink with him any more, he was too much trouble.
He approached me 15 years later and told me that statement ruined his drinking forever, I was his "lowest of lower companions" I was crazier then anyone he had ever met, and when his "lower companion" wouldn't even drink with him any more he knew it was over.
He's been sober except for one slip 10 years ago, for nearly 20 years now.
We tell our friends the truth, that's what friends do, then we set boundaries and take care of ourselves, that's what healthy people do.
No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much is a perfectly acceptable thing to say.
Good Luck
I feel that sort of thing would be for the best, but he's done so much for me, I feel that turning my back on him if he carries on could do more harm than good.
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
hmmmm.....
rock and a hard place
OK, how can you set healthy boundaries but not "cut him out of your life?"
Can you spend time with him but let him know you will only spend time with him when he's not drinking?
Can you say, "No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much"
Can you let him know you will be there for him if he decides to get sober?
Can you be his friend enough to tell the truth? That's real friendship by the way, in my opinion, and people telling me the truth are what saved my life, not people enabling me.
I believe my mother had a very large part in literally "murdering" my sister with constant enabling, it's NOT good for addicts/alcoholics, although it seems as if you are being helpful.
Good Luck and God be with you.
I know it's not easy.
rock and a hard place
OK, how can you set healthy boundaries but not "cut him out of your life?"
Can you spend time with him but let him know you will only spend time with him when he's not drinking?
Can you say, "No Thank you, I don't feel "safe" spending New Years Eve with you because you drink too much"
Can you let him know you will be there for him if he decides to get sober?
Can you be his friend enough to tell the truth? That's real friendship by the way, in my opinion, and people telling me the truth are what saved my life, not people enabling me.
I believe my mother had a very large part in literally "murdering" my sister with constant enabling, it's NOT good for addicts/alcoholics, although it seems as if you are being helpful.
Good Luck and God be with you.
I know it's not easy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 3
I'm so annoyed at the moment... The first time we have spoken in weeks, and the only reason was so he could change all of the plans we had made for new year, in order to go out on a date with someone on the day I was supposed to be coming down, and by the sounds of it, probably doesn't plan on spending the night at home given that hes told me not to come down the next day either. He has told me, in a way in which he sounds like he's being accomodating and flexible, come as early as I want on New Years Eve! This is the second time in a row he's planned something when I'm supposed to be visiting.
I now don't know what to do... I need to speak to him, but the only chance I've got is New Years Eve, which means I have to spend the night putting up with his drinking! Do I still go down at all?
I now don't know what to do... I need to speak to him, but the only chance I've got is New Years Eve, which means I have to spend the night putting up with his drinking! Do I still go down at all?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I can only speak for myself: I am not in in the least bit interested in being around alcoholics who are drinking themselves into violent oblivion. Not interested one bit, don't care who they are.
Would you really enjoy spending an evening watching him slowly get incredibly drunk, NOT talk to you, NOT share anything with you, NOT value your presence there? Sure "he has done so much for me" but it sounds like this relationship has become less valuable to him.
You can mourn that, and you can feel sad, but putting yourself in dreadful situations in an effort to win back the friendship you used to have may only hurt you.
You can't force someone to feel something they just don't feel. Maybe there is a more joyous place for you to spend New Year's Eve, celebrating a new year of life for you?
Would you really enjoy spending an evening watching him slowly get incredibly drunk, NOT talk to you, NOT share anything with you, NOT value your presence there? Sure "he has done so much for me" but it sounds like this relationship has become less valuable to him.
You can mourn that, and you can feel sad, but putting yourself in dreadful situations in an effort to win back the friendship you used to have may only hurt you.
You can't force someone to feel something they just don't feel. Maybe there is a more joyous place for you to spend New Year's Eve, celebrating a new year of life for you?
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