functional alcoholic

Old 12-26-2008, 09:39 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
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Cats, I personally don't believe that they can beat the alcoholism without admitting they have a problem and are powerless. I say this because I live it. Most alcoholics don't want to admit it of live as an alcoholic because it is devastating to admit they have a disease! They feel like failures to themselves and their families. It is much easier to pretend they are NOT alcoholics but alas they can NEVER recover in this state.
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Old 12-26-2008, 12:28 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Cats -

First of all, you have to stop trying to "understand" and "figure out" alcoholism. My abf is amazed at how I, an RN can't "get" addiction. I've finally gotten to an understanding that all I will ever "get" is this: I am a logical person. Addiction is not logical. Addicts are not logical. The most I will ever understand is that I will never understand addiction.

That's it. I understand that I don't understand and that's the best I can do. Trying to fiugre out how far gone your H's addiction is or if there is hope for him to get better or if you should stay or go........none of those can be answered by anybody but you.

You have to decide what your boundaries are (what you are and are not willing to live with). Once you have decided that.........he will show you if you can or can't stay with him based on how his behaviour does or doesn't line up with your boundaries.

I strongly encourage you to find a local alanon meeting. We nurses are strongly wired towards codie-behavior as it is.......get there and learn and be strengthened/encouraged by those who have been and are where you currently find yourself.
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Old 12-26-2008, 12:47 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Hi cats!!

I believe you are facing a very difficult reality here... that is as In a Tailspin said, the fact that you are not an addict and therefore you will never really understand what is going on with your husband. No one understands unless they are an addict. So at least this is good news for you!

By people in this forum I was urged to join Al Anon, would you start going with me? january is a good time as the focus is the 1st step. Admitting our lives are unmanageable. I thought my life was pretty sorted out until I realized my love for a guy meant nothing to him, that he preferred the bottle and a girl that has no problem with his drinking. Witnessing the decadence of an alcoholic and experiencing the quick progression from a beautiful romance to verbal abuse after bottles of Jack Daniels has brought me to my knees in sadness and desperation, wondering how he could "all of a sudden" be so cruel, how everything we lived is lost to him, how he could right away "replace" me and just forget anything happened. Oh well -he has his cure right out from the fridge.

I am too really confused about the alcoholic in my life as thank God I had no contact with addicts before this. This is not an easy problem that can subside with wishful thinking. I am sorry you are going through this but please try to think about your own self, your sanity... do not give that to your husband.. it is yours!! and you have to use your tools NOW.
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Old 12-26-2008, 03:18 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Cool

Originally Posted by thecat3 View Post
1. do you believe in functional alcoholics?
2. do you think one suppresses the desire for alcohol or within time desire for it just decreses?
These are great questions....as to #1, I guess the answer depends on what one's definition of functional is. I believe that in the life of every alcoholic there is a time (all be it a very short time for some) when they appear to be, and may even be, functioning.....ie: paying bills, keeping a job, keeping a family.....etc. However, due to the fact that alcoholism is a progressive disease, there will come a time in the alcoholic's life where he/she is no longer functional..... )o: So, I guess my answer to that question would have to be 'yes' but it may be functional for such a short time that if you blink you miss it.

Since #2 is a two-part question, a simple 'yes' or 'no' answer just won't do. Therefore.....I believe that if a person has to supress his/her desire for alcohol, sooner or later, in time, that desire, which has been living under the surface for however long; it's going to rear its ugly head, and it will come back with more force and more power than it had before. However, I also believe that if that person works some kind of program of recovery, in time he/she will find that desire has gone; it just won't be there any more..... (o:


NoelleR

P.S. ...and to any of you, if your alanon group (or any group) tries to tell you that relapse is a normal part of recovery, you just put your foot down and tell them.....yes, relapses do occur, however they are NOT any part of re4covery; they are a part of the disease. I have known folks who've had their share of relapses, but at the time, they were not working at their recovery. I have never know a person who is actively working a program (any program) of recovery to have a relapse.
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Old 12-26-2008, 03:22 PM
  # 45 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by NoelleR View Post
I have never know a person who is actively working a program (any program) of recovery to have a relapse.
I have.
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Old 12-26-2008, 03:37 PM
  # 46 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by NoelleR View Post
I have never know a person who is actively working a program (any program) of recovery to have a relapse.
I have as well, both me and others, the first time I drank I had five sponsees, a "big name" sponsor, and was attending meetings 5x a week, and was working the steps for the fourth time, I have seen countless alcoholics drink that were working a program for a myriad of reasons, chiefly though because they were alcoholics, but sometimes because they were undiagnosed bipolar, sometimes because they just weren't done, sometimes because they missed something in their fifth step, a number of times because some moron told them they weren't sober if they ate "meds", sometimes because they stopped going to meetings, sometimes because they weren't working with others, the list goes on and on.

It is the exception, not the rule, but it happens frequently enough as to not be uncommon, Alcoholics drink when the pain becomes so great they have no other coping mechanism and studies have shown that an alcoholic can literally go insane if he doesn't drink during certain periods (thank God for Psychiatrists trained in addiction now).

"Stories" from "old timers" frequently include periods of years where they found it necessary to "pick up a drink" and didn't, and they don't know why. That's the difference between me and an old timer right now, I did pick up that drink, I just got lucky enough to "make it back" which in and of itself is pretty F'ing rare.

However, my personal opinion is relapse is not part of recovery, not drinking is part of recovery, relapse is part of my disease.

Relapse is part of my "story" now, and increases my helpfulness to others, and quite frankly my most effective sponsorship is with alcoholics with long term sobriety that "slip", that particular dynamic has it's own demons and since I have been through it, I am effective working with alcoholics going through it.

Anyhow, I had to learn the hard way, just because someone relapses doesn't necessarily mean that they were "doing it wrong" or that they weren't "working a program".
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Old 12-26-2008, 04:24 PM
  # 47 (permalink)  
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wow, thanks so much everyone once again!!
I am also an RN although have never worked in substance abuse unit of the medical facility I work at but I did get clients with substance and alcohol abuse. I am not yet ready to attend Al anon group, I have a newborn on my hands. I am not sure of how much I would tolerate, this is my honest opinion. He had some heavy drinkers in the family, but behavior we are born with along with learned behavior. So if he started drinking late while in his mid 20's shouldn't there be a way to "unlearn" this behavior.
Yes, for now still hopeful, very very hopeful and praying for our family to be strong to keep going.
He went out today with his friends to gym to work out and bowling, perhaps maybe he can be strong enough to say no to any temptations as we have discussed it earlier. what if, he keeps saying no, eventually maybe he can realize that there is life without it.
also, he is considering to make a trip to top of mountains, since he loves nature and just hang out there for few days in piece with nature.

although I tried some illigal stuff in my younger days and used to go out for drinks with my girlfriends, I can just picture somewhat what it feels like, I had a bf before who was substance abuser, you are right rather then try it and trying to understand it need to love myself (and my newborn) he is so innocent little angel.

i am learning to love myself and not be dependent. i do want to help him. i want to make a difference i want to help people in general in my career.

as matter of fact, yestorday I felt sad, as new mom with newborn on hands lots of things get frustrating, so as we talked in the evening he joked with how a drink may make it better, i am really not sure how serious he was about it, but i got tears in my eyes, as he said this would be the moment he would personally have a drink if he were in my shoes. I just turned away and he continued speaking to me. (I didnt' have a drink, I am discusted by alcohol at this point) and I am a breastfeeding mom. So we decided as much as we to give each other breaks from baby to go to gym.......

I understand this is a disease, a serious one, I will try various approaches, I will fight for him, I believe that with love, support and energy from both parties somehow we may win, there is a chance, and I am willing to take it, otherwise maybe i would be gone, I am only in beginning of my 30's just got my career on track, baby, independence........
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Old 12-26-2008, 04:30 PM
  # 48 (permalink)  
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My two cents. I really hope your husband stays with his sobriety. I am 37 years old and have done drugs and drank since I was 13. I realize my story is dif. then his and yours. But, I have been good at staying off both for up to a year at a time. I always find myself crawling back to them. I can tell everyone around me or even my husband that I am done with it but, guess what??? I always go back.

I am finally to the point in my life that I have turned a corner and no longer want it and I am struggiling. Because, the worse part is my husband and most everyone around me enables me. They know I have a problem but, in the end they enable me. I am now facing doing this mostly alone ( sobriety ) because, in their minds they love me sooooo much and its so much easier to deal with the drunk / drugged me then the sober me, they just want me to be happy and do what I have convinced them and they have convinced themselves will make me happy.

Wow. I hope that is understandle and that I make a little sense.
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Old 12-26-2008, 04:56 PM
  # 49 (permalink)  
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Chardoll,

I think each person's story is different. We are all unique and special in our own special ways. I cannot imagine what one is going through but with trying out different stuff I can see how habit forming it must be. I hope you find the stregth to keep clean and I hope for your family to be supportive. Were you able to get your energy and interests into something else like a good hobby or make friends with different crowd of folks?

All I can say for myself, I beat my nicotine addiction (4 yrs ago) which was a challenge and I never gone back to it Feb 27 will be 4 yrs I am nicotine free.

My husband's mom died from alcohol withrawal and it's related symptoms and his father stopped drinking for good as he approched mid 40's.

How happy can you be if it makes you upset/sick and everything else? If you know how bad it is for you and your family, what steps you doing to conquer this challenge if any?

So you have been clean a year at a time!!! thats HUGE!!! good for YOU!!!
I guess all i can say, each time is a practice and practice makes perfect.
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Old 12-26-2008, 06:12 PM
  # 50 (permalink)  
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1 . my ex alcoholic boyfriend was a functional alcoholic, if you can call it that. he made sure he was at work and held a job so that the could use. infact he had two jobs to support his alcohol and cocaine habit. he was even a functional boyfriend. who knows if thats because he cared or if thats because he needed the stability or whatever else i provided.
2. it increases, it decreases, its up and down and around. its an emotional rollercoaster.
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