Hello Friends, it has been awhile......
 

Hi there, it has been a couple of years since I have posted here. This site was a lifesaver for me for a couple of years. And then I felt better, and life got busy, but now I am back.

So here it is, I am still living with my AH. But we are back in a down period for him and so I am feeling the pain very acutely. He had a job for a year and a half, and then this summer he started going to the bars again, several times a week. I just knew something was coming. And then in August he had a fight with his boss and quit.

Things go from awful between us to just ok. When they get to OK, I just ignor what bothers me and go on autopilet - not feeling anything. Then they go back to awful and my insides churn.

I feel pretty tired about doing this again. I don't want to just vent my story, I want to make my life better. So how can I do that? I have started reading the literature again, and I am impatient, frustrated that the changes have not come.

However, I feel closer than ever to the possibility of ending this relationship.

Please someone tell me that any of this makes sense?????????

I want you to know that I have been trying to get my life to a happy place, but I still struggle with separating with my AH. I feel so disappointed in myself, when will I get this right?

Hi Rose,

Welcome back ! I know I have stumbled from time to time in my own recovery... what I love about SR and my Al Anon meetings is that no one tells me how wrong I was. They just pick me up, dust me off , help me get steady on my feet again, and off we go.

You've taken steps in the right direction by coming back here, reading some of the literature and recognizing behaviors for what they are. You don't have to make any big decisions today... Just take it a day at a time and figure out what you'd like for your life to look like.

It's good to see you again.

Cats

Welcome back Rose! :hug: sorry that you are struggling....Sending prayers and strength to you! Cat said it all! so I will say DITTO!

Glad you are here for you! :)

Welcome back, Rose, from a fellow Jersey Girl transplant - glad you're here again!

Do you attend Al Anon? I'm a big believer in I'm right where I'm supposed to be. I'll confess, I'm glad that no longer means living with active alcoholism, but I had to follow my path to get here.

Keep posting - be kind to yourself.

Somewhere between awful and just okay is what the Catholics term "pergatory." Not a good place to be, whether you believe it or not; which I personally do not. However, living in limbo goes from surviving to going into the depths. I know. I've lived it too often. I've been there.

It's okay to get to a "happy place." However, you may have to get OUT OF YOUR PLACE before you find anything remotely like "happy." Many times, we have got to walk out on feeling like garbage and then still feeling like garbage until we finally start to feel like enjoying what life has to offer.

What life has to offer .... not necessarily happiness. Oftentimes, challenges. Many times, tragedy. But we accept life on life's terms by ourselves. It is not contingent on another person's sobriety or lack thereof.

I truly feel for you. This is the time of year when we rejoice in what is supposed to be heaven come to earth; yet so many of us look around and say to ourselves, "Why am I mired in hell?"

I left my exAH at the moment in time I least expected to leave him. It was unplanned. It was spontaneous. It was a leap of faith. I wasn't in a happy place. I was isolated, frightened, and unsure.

Let go and let God. I did. And I never, ever regretted it. Not for one second. Never.

HI Rose, nice to meet you. I went thru similar episodes..for years. I probably repeated this cycle 5 times in 28 years..each time, I thought, we are good now but as my children grew and left home, the episodes got worse. My lonliness and the sick feeling in my stomach got almost unbearable. I cryed my self to sleep alot, mad at myself for letting time pass me by while he was down stairs passed out on the couch. The feeling you are having is the worst! Please, keep coming back here and I'm sure your HP will somehow help you decide what you really want and what to do. I'm almost 8 months into living in my own place and it has been an emotional train wreck but everyday it gets better and I stop questioning my decision to leave. Hugs to you and prayers.

Do you go to al-anon meetings in person? That can also be helpful; to make connections with local people who have been exactly where you are right now.

I know the feeling of going from numb to chaos, then back to numb again. I did it over and over again. And I am in the process of divorcing my AH.

Thanks for the warm welcome back. I really appreciate it, this circle of friends that know what it's like.
Lots of food for thought. Yes, I am back in Alanon all the way, attending face to face meetings as well as coming here and reading. Today I feel more hopeful, Less focused on MAKING A DECISION. This is something I obsess about when I am feeling afraid and need to deflect the emotion. Today I know I need to start back at the beginning, start working on myself again, focusing on what I want to create in my life, and the decision will come when it is time.
Denny, I want to believe I am right where I am supposed to be, but I have trouble sustaining that attitude. I will keep trying not to beat up on myself for being where I am.

Prodigal, my biggest secret fear is that I will find out that the problem is me. That my situation is not that bad, and that I will be no happier or satisfied with my life separated from my AH that with him. And in a way, this is true, for I am certainly codependent. I was looking for this relationship or one like it all my life. So the truth is that I have not yet learned to be "un-codependent". This is what I need to do. And I have made some progress in this direction, but not there yet.

In my meeting on Thursday, someone said that their relationship with the alcoholic was like a slot machine, that it paid off just enough to keep him coming back. And this is true for me.

My AH is fairly functional, although he has trouble keeping a job. He has a measured amount of beer that he drinks each day (quite a lot) but he rarely passes out or gets visibly drunk. He goes to bars three times a week, and paces himself so that he is not driving home drunk. Sometimes he sleeps in the van for a couple of hours before coming home. So you see it is bad but not horrible. He believes that I don't respect him, and I have given him cause to believe this over the years (26 years). Sometimes I wonder if too much water has gone under this bridge, too many things have been done and said to ever rebuild a solid relationship.

But here I go again focusing on him and the relationship. Back to me.
Thanks for being here for me, thanks for sharing, thanks for listening.