curfew help
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curfew help
ok this is whats up
i used drugs for 2 years then went to rehab and have been clean since which is 10 months now. i just moved back to my parents house after living on my own with no curfews. i am 19 and i am friends with alot of other people my age in recovery. now my parents wont really let me go out with my friends and when they do its only for 2-5 hours and i have to be home befor 11. and that is driving me nuts because we hang out sometimes all night how can i get my mom to let me out a little later with out her flipping out. all i have ever done is try to please her but my friends help me more then anything.
i used drugs for 2 years then went to rehab and have been clean since which is 10 months now. i just moved back to my parents house after living on my own with no curfews. i am 19 and i am friends with alot of other people my age in recovery. now my parents wont really let me go out with my friends and when they do its only for 2-5 hours and i have to be home befor 11. and that is driving me nuts because we hang out sometimes all night how can i get my mom to let me out a little later with out her flipping out. all i have ever done is try to please her but my friends help me more then anything.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
First let me welcome you and congratulate you on your clean time.
I'm sure it took a lot of courage and work to get to where you are today and that is admirable.
My son is an addict, in and out of recovery (presently in), and anytime he lived at home he also had a curfew of 11 pm....and he is 35 years old. Let me explain to you why.
When he was using, I couldn't sleep until he came home and I knew he was safe. He's my son and I love him and had good reason for worrying - the possibiltiy of him being dead or in jail or in the hospital was a very real possibility. More than once he got in trouble and many times he just didn't get caught.
One boundary was that if he chose to live at home, he would be home by 11 pm. If he was late, the door would be locked and he would be required to move out the next day. He could choose to respect (even if he didn't agree with) this boundary or he could choose to live anywhere else, and I would love him just the same.
This boundary was about ME and what was healthy for ME. I need my sleep and worrying makes me sick. It was not about controlling him or not trusting him, it was me looking after an anxiety that took several years to fester and would take even longer to eliminate. It would take many many years of clean time for me to change this boundary.
Your parents love you, and as a mom I am sure they forgive anything you ever did. But it will take a long time for them to be comfortable enough to sleep when you are not home. For some reason, when my son lives anywhere else I don't even think about this, but in my home is in my space that is my safe space and my serenity space and nothing is allowed to disrupt that.
If you are living at home, then you must respect (even if you don't agree with) the rules. It is your parent's home - you are an adult and it is a privilege to live there, not a right. If you cannot respect their wishes, if you cannot show love and appreciation, if you cannot do your share of the work involved to run a home, and if you cannot make your home a happier place because you are there....then you may want to think about moving out. That may be the healthier choice for both you and your parents, unless you can live there harmoniously.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a lecture - it is meant to be an explanation from one mom's point of view, and I share it with you with love in my heart.
Your parents love you enough to care where you are and to care if you are safe. That alone is something to be grateful for.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and also for your parents.
Ann
I'm sure it took a lot of courage and work to get to where you are today and that is admirable.
My son is an addict, in and out of recovery (presently in), and anytime he lived at home he also had a curfew of 11 pm....and he is 35 years old. Let me explain to you why.
When he was using, I couldn't sleep until he came home and I knew he was safe. He's my son and I love him and had good reason for worrying - the possibiltiy of him being dead or in jail or in the hospital was a very real possibility. More than once he got in trouble and many times he just didn't get caught.
One boundary was that if he chose to live at home, he would be home by 11 pm. If he was late, the door would be locked and he would be required to move out the next day. He could choose to respect (even if he didn't agree with) this boundary or he could choose to live anywhere else, and I would love him just the same.
This boundary was about ME and what was healthy for ME. I need my sleep and worrying makes me sick. It was not about controlling him or not trusting him, it was me looking after an anxiety that took several years to fester and would take even longer to eliminate. It would take many many years of clean time for me to change this boundary.
Your parents love you, and as a mom I am sure they forgive anything you ever did. But it will take a long time for them to be comfortable enough to sleep when you are not home. For some reason, when my son lives anywhere else I don't even think about this, but in my home is in my space that is my safe space and my serenity space and nothing is allowed to disrupt that.
If you are living at home, then you must respect (even if you don't agree with) the rules. It is your parent's home - you are an adult and it is a privilege to live there, not a right. If you cannot respect their wishes, if you cannot show love and appreciation, if you cannot do your share of the work involved to run a home, and if you cannot make your home a happier place because you are there....then you may want to think about moving out. That may be the healthier choice for both you and your parents, unless you can live there harmoniously.
I'm sorry if this sounds like a lecture - it is meant to be an explanation from one mom's point of view, and I share it with you with love in my heart.
Your parents love you enough to care where you are and to care if you are safe. That alone is something to be grateful for.
Sending hugs and prayers for you and also for your parents.
Ann
Paused
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Ohio, US
Posts: 50
Hello,
I'm Ångel, I am 18 and still live at home. I have a 12 curfew and during school, I had to be in by ten. I always make it home by at least 11:45. Sometimes it is difficult and irritating, but when my mother doesn't know where I am she worries to death. She has enough worries about my alcoholic father, so I try to save her a few. My dad has also told me that if I am ever late, I am grounded for a year and my curfew becomes ten permanetly. Keep in mind, I am a legal adult. I could argue, and get upset, but it wouldn't accomplish anything except anger and hurt feelings. If you want to hang out all night, have your friends come over or something, your parents might feel better if they just know for sure that you are in the house and safe.
I love you and I will pray for you. Do this for your mom instead of yourself. Good luck in recovery! That is so awesome and I am so happy for you. Tons of congrats!
--Ångel
I'm Ångel, I am 18 and still live at home. I have a 12 curfew and during school, I had to be in by ten. I always make it home by at least 11:45. Sometimes it is difficult and irritating, but when my mother doesn't know where I am she worries to death. She has enough worries about my alcoholic father, so I try to save her a few. My dad has also told me that if I am ever late, I am grounded for a year and my curfew becomes ten permanetly. Keep in mind, I am a legal adult. I could argue, and get upset, but it wouldn't accomplish anything except anger and hurt feelings. If you want to hang out all night, have your friends come over or something, your parents might feel better if they just know for sure that you are in the house and safe.
I love you and I will pray for you. Do this for your mom instead of yourself. Good luck in recovery! That is so awesome and I am so happy for you. Tons of congrats!
--Ångel
Queen of one liners
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: walking beside you! Not in front of you.
Posts: 658
I am so very proud of your time clean and sober....
Question: Have your parents met your friends in recovery???? That alone may help ease their minds somewhat...You didn't mention if you go to meetings or not but if you do (and I pray that you do) Invite your parents to an open meeting...
Have your parents ever gone to Al-Anon or Nar-alnon?
Other than that I have to agree with Ann my boundaries are mine and I too need my rest...It is always hard for every one to re-locate back home...
Nothing ever earned comes easy, and trust must be earned and it is especially hard for me to trust even when someone is newly clean and sober.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
Question: Have your parents met your friends in recovery???? That alone may help ease their minds somewhat...You didn't mention if you go to meetings or not but if you do (and I pray that you do) Invite your parents to an open meeting...
Have your parents ever gone to Al-Anon or Nar-alnon?
Other than that I have to agree with Ann my boundaries are mine and I too need my rest...It is always hard for every one to re-locate back home...
Nothing ever earned comes easy, and trust must be earned and it is especially hard for me to trust even when someone is newly clean and sober.
Love and prayers from one who cares,
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