sam79

I was just wondering if anyone here has seen other men whilst still in a relationship with an ABF/H???

I ask because i have been with my bf for 8yrs, 4yrs have involved serious depression, self harm and alcoholism, which came to a head in January this year and i left to live with my mum.

He is now in stable employment for 4wks now and has kept his drinking to a minimum.
But i still am not sure how i feel about our whole relationship, its not how it should be, full of love, closeness and passion. Its been like this for years now.
I can count on one hand how many times we have slept together and it doesnt bother me.
I do love him and he is a good looking guy but theres something stopping me from doing all the normal stuff couples do.
He on the other hand wants the intamcy back but understands i dont want to be pressured into anything.

Now the point im getting at, on friday night i was outrageously flirty with a guy on a works night out, we work together in my local hospital. im a nurse hes a doctor, single and extremely good looking.
Ive always had a bit of a soft spot for him but i didnt think id go this far.
We kissed and i went back to his flat for a bit more, not sex though.
I cant see it going any futher but i wont be seeing him until tomorrow and its gonna be so awkward.

Am i out of order or do you think i did this for a reason?
Im so confused and i feel terrible but i actually enjoyed being kissed and held by another guy.

I welcome any advice and i dont mind you being truthful
I think its because maybe i wanted to try being with someone new, to see how it made me feel and it felt good.

sam.x

denny57

I don't know why you did it, but I think it does indicate something. I work the 12 steps, so in this case I'd do a mini 4th to figure it out.

I've never been involved with someone else while in a committed relationship (even if that commitment was later revealed to be one sided).

GiveLove

When I started to have physical attractions that went beyond "Hm, THAT'S nice..." then I knew the writing was on the wall for my relationship. There was no loyalty any more, not to mention intimacy, passion, chemistry, or trust.

It was time for me to go, because at that point I would've had to start lying in order to not face any repercussions for my attraction to other men. Plus, I don't think it's fair for one partner to have relationships on the side unless that's an agreement they have and BOTH are able to "enjoy" that. I don't personally like dating multiple people at once, so it was never an option for me.

Only you know whether you want to stay in a relationship where you (now) have to lie. It sounds as though your heart would like to explore a little and see if you can't find a partnership that works better for you.

Good luck, sam

sam79

This is the thing i havent spoken to this guy since saturday when i left his flat.
It was the first time it happened and it did kind of shock me cos although i find him really attractive i am in a relationship and didnt want to 'cheat'.
It wouldnt have happened had we both not been so drunk.
But now it has i kinda keep thinking about him, which i know is completely wrong.
I have no idea if he even likes me, suppose i'll get an idea tomorrow when i face him for the first time.

But ive never done this before and im not the type of girl who usually would.

I just dont want to hurt my bf cos he is trying hard to change and he has done really well.
But there is something missing for me and something holding me back from being intimate with him.

FormerDoormat

I have a strong sense of right and wrong. I believe it's wrong (for any reason) to enter into a new relationship while still in a relationship with another person. If I ever found myself physically or emotionally attracted to another man I would end my current relationship before I even considered entering into a new one. And I would expect the same from my current partner. It's the right thing to do.

Attraction wanes. Relationships end. People fall out of love. That's often nobody's fault, just a natural consequence of people growing in different directions. But I do have control over my choices. I choose to do the right thing. It makes life easier for everyone involved.

sam79

I totally understand what your saying and i agree, it is wrong.

This is what i need to start figuring out in my head what i actually want.
Although i probably know the answer deep down, its hard to admit it to myself and my boyfriend.

8yrs is a long time to throw away but if its not exactly how you want it to be anymore then i guess the right thing to do is to end it.

But im so confused right now i dont know.........................

denny57

The alcoholic in my life used to say this, and I forgave him because of it. I no longer believe it. I've had too much to drink in my day and never cheated on anyone I was with.

sam79

I guess but i feel i wouldnt have though.
I know alcohol allows you to express feelings you are having alot easier but it wasnt my intention.
Yeah hes pretty damn attractive but i didnt want to do anything about it, or so i thought............

FormerDoormat

You know the only thing worse than throwing away 8 years of your life? Throwing away 9 years...or more. I lost 24 years of my life waiting for my partner to stop drinking, get his act together, and become the partner I craved. It's never too late to start a new life. I'm glad I did.

sam79

Yeah and thats what scares me.
I dont want to regret not having the life id always wanted.
4yrs of pain and hurt was bad enough and im not sure what life will be like another 4yrs down the road, although my boyfriend seems to see happiness and marrige.

As he hasnt stopped drinking totally, im not sure if he'd fully relapse again and i guess thats why i cant relax and just go with the relationship and see what happens.

FormerDoormat

I can't imagine entering into marriage with a man who's only been intimate with me a few times over 8 years. If that's not acceptable, imagine a lifetime of that.

Ago

I was told many years ago that generally speaking women only "stray" when they aren't getting what they need at home by a woman with some pretty good insight some years ago.

I am a man, and am literally "hard wired" differently with this, but that came to be my experience as well.

After I had gotten sober for a few years and had been in a relationship for five years I started having some very strong feelings for another woman, but as a "sober man" with "integrity" it was unthinkable I act on these impulses, I ranted and raved to my sponsor, whined to my friends, went nuts holding these impulses in check month after month meanwhile like chewing on a wooden door I had it so bad. My friend Mark explained to me I had no business being in a committed relationship as long as I was having these feelings, I got angry with him, and felt he was denigrating me or "putting me down" somehow, I explained how I was being faithful etc he just shrugged and stuck to his statement.

One morning soon after I went on an Ambulance call....it was a Sunday morning and there was an incredibly bad accident involving a car going head on through 16 motorcycles racing doing 150 mph, the car was doing 65 so impact was around 200 mph, there were bodies everywhere, I was first ambulance on scene and there were bodies of dead and dying everywhere, there was screaming, helicopters were landing, it was like a scene from a war movie. I kneeled down and was looking into the eyes of a beautiful young man as he breathed his last, I looked into his eyes as he died.

It was Mother's Day.

It made me question my whole life, it really made me question my whole relationship, I had been yelled at that morning as I left for this call, the whole day I pondered my life and Life Choices.

That night when I got home from work I sat down with Margo and explained to her I was unhappy, and I was leaving her, I explained I was leaving for Mexico in two hours for a few weeks, but when I got back I would be moving out.

I started dating a girl over the next year, it went slowly, and it was "just dating" we weren't "exclusive".

During this time I slept with another woman I had been "attracted to" maybe the same one, I don't remember, all I remember is driving home that morning, covered with a feeling a shower wouldn't wash away.

I finally understood what Mark had been trying to explain to me, about how if I was really in love with a woman I wouldn't even have a "burning desire" to sleep with anyone else.

I drove over to "Deb's" house soon after, told her I had slept with someone else, and how awful it had made me feel, and that going forward I was going to be her's "exclusively", I didn't care what she did, but I had no desire to see anyone else. She also made it exclusive, but for me, I finally understood what everyone had been trying to explain to me for years.

If I am in love with someone, and am in a healthy relationship where I am getting "my needs met", it doesn't even cross my mind to "fool around" with someone else, and if I do start feeling desire for someone, it's an indication I need to start looking at myself and my relationship for my answers, not outside my relationship, because that's where the "problem" is.

It's not even a matter of "right and wrong" for me, it's a matter of "To Thine Own Self Be True" and I can't be true to myself if I am lying to and cheating on others, I just can't, I get "sick", hell I am already "sick" if it gets to that point.

This is all just my own experience of course, but the short version is if I start feeling desire for others it's time to stop, pause, and take a good long hard look at where I am, and ask myself if I am getting what I need from my relationship, and either repair it or leave.

GrowingPains

October of 2007 is when I was hit with an attraction for another man that knocked me sideways. This is after 12 years of relationship and marriage with AH. I didn't act on my urges and the object of my attraction was shy enough not to initiate anything, but he took up a lot of real estate in my head until I saw yet another phenomenally attractive fellow a few months later. Again, I didn't do anything inappropriate other than obsess. Although I knew this was the beginning of the end, I still tried to work on the marriage via counseling.

Long story short, the separation was in September and the divorce papers were signed two weeks ago. Also, fate threw me a bone and I'm getting to know both of those individuals.

I do not believe I 'threw away' 13 years by remaining with AH. Alcoholism was not familiar to me and I learned A LOT, albeit the hard way. I also maintained a life outside of my marriage. I stayed until I knew I had to leave.

sam79

Well just a little update................

Im doubting very much that my 'flirting' will go any further with this guy.
I turned up at work and he couldnt even look at me, he said 'hi, how are you?' and not word was said all morning after that.
He just wasnt himself at all. Im guessing he feels kinda embarrassed about the situation and possibly regrets it too. But why just ignore me? i did nothing wrong, yeah it was a bit silly but it did take both of us to do it, drunk or not.
I dont expect anything from him, as i guessed after i left his flat that it wouldnt go any further but i feel like an idiot after the way he's been with me today.

I still say that it does indicate problems with my relationship because i know i am attracted to him very much, although i do have love for my boyfriend. He's not a bad person, he just has a problem which he is trying to deal with.

I really dont know what i want right now, apart from the feeling of being totally loved.

I know my boyfriend does love me very much, or so he says but im not sure if its enough.

I feel so sad right now.

denny57

There is one person I can count on to totally love me 24/7 - Me.

((( )))

prodigal

Why not? I mean, why not just ignore you? His emotions. His choice as to how he wishes to display them. Maybe he's embarrassed. Maybe he regrets he had any involvement with you. It's not a matter of whether or not you did something wrong. For all you know, he might feel HE did something wrong.

You can't read people's minds and trying to figure out others motives and thought processes generally leads to frustration.

sam79

It already has lead to a feeling of frustration because i hate being made to feel like an idiot.
Maybe i shouldnt care and focus on my relationship with my bf, but for some reason i really do care.........................

prodigal

Nobody can make me feel like an idiot unless I allow them to do so. You made a mistake. It does not make you an idiot. It makes you human.

I frequently repeat what I heard years ago in an Al-Anon meeting: Someone else's opinion of me is none of my business.

sam79

But why do i feel it wasnt a mistake?
Not on my part anyway, i think its actually what i wanted, i wanted to kiss him.

Jeez im so messed up.

CatsnDogs4Me

I have to agree with some of the other posters, and I had a similar situation to yours, though I was (am) married. I wasn't totally happy with things but was in deep denial of any real problems at the time. This was in March 2006 ... I was away with some girlfriends and met a guy I was very attracted to - - feelings I didn't realize I could have for a man other than my husband. There was some fooling around, but no s*x. But, it made me realize there had to be serious issues in the marriage if I had those feelings for someone else. I started thinking about things, which drove me to start therapy in Spring 2007 & eventually Al-Anon. In March 2008, I moved out. So, what am I'm trying to say? My gut told me something was wrong more than 2 years ago, it took some time to figure it all out, but my gut was right. I'm now separated & finding peace I haven't known in years. I don't know yet if things will work out with AH & our marriage, but the main thing is that things are working out for me. Just take your time and figure out how to find peace in your life.