Can i carry on this relationship.......
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
If I were you I would spend some time alone to figure out my life from a distance, maybe a weekend away or something.
Don't feel bad, we all make mistakes. And yes it sucks to have done something while drunk and then meet the person. But you can take it with humor and act normal, with a little time the tension will pass.
Don't feel bad, we all make mistakes. And yes it sucks to have done something while drunk and then meet the person. But you can take it with humor and act normal, with a little time the tension will pass.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I guess what really bothers me about my 'relationship' with my bf is the fact i cant keep the past in the past, if you know what i mean.
I still have the constant drinking, lying, manipulating and verbal, mental and physical abuse i had to go through in the back of my mind. Im scared that this could return in the future and i never want to go through this ever again.
What if i did marry him for it to all blow up in my face????
The fact that he is bisexual and occasionally likes to dress as a woman at home, it intimidates me, although he said it wont get in the way of us.
He also still likes to drink, granted its not as much now but still every now and agian is too much for me.
Yes hes trying to turn his life around with his great new job and is trying to make more of an effort with me, but it all seems so material. Like buying me things, taking me out for dinner etc. I dont want this, i just want LOVE, nothing else.
He mentions how much he wants the intamacy back but i really couldnt care for it,it seems like just sex to him, getting satisfaction. I want sex to be about love and romance.
Simple things of pure love, the feeling that i have unconditional love no matter what is the best feeling in the world to me and i crave it.
I just feel so damn empty and i guess thats why i brought out those feelings when i was drunk to someone who i have a big attraction to.
I just cant get the other guy out of my head and i dont know why.
I dont know if he'd ever like me or want to even get to know me better if i wasnt in my current relationship.
Should i try and talk to him, even though he wasnt really talking to me yesterday. I see him next in work on 5th January.
Im hoping by then he may have calmed down a little more.
I just dont know what to do.
My bf and i go on holiday next monday for a week over New Year and although im meeting friends there and not spending the entire time with him im not sure if im gonna enjoy it so much.
I still have the constant drinking, lying, manipulating and verbal, mental and physical abuse i had to go through in the back of my mind. Im scared that this could return in the future and i never want to go through this ever again.
What if i did marry him for it to all blow up in my face????
The fact that he is bisexual and occasionally likes to dress as a woman at home, it intimidates me, although he said it wont get in the way of us.
He also still likes to drink, granted its not as much now but still every now and agian is too much for me.
Yes hes trying to turn his life around with his great new job and is trying to make more of an effort with me, but it all seems so material. Like buying me things, taking me out for dinner etc. I dont want this, i just want LOVE, nothing else.
He mentions how much he wants the intamacy back but i really couldnt care for it,it seems like just sex to him, getting satisfaction. I want sex to be about love and romance.
Simple things of pure love, the feeling that i have unconditional love no matter what is the best feeling in the world to me and i crave it.
I just feel so damn empty and i guess thats why i brought out those feelings when i was drunk to someone who i have a big attraction to.
I just cant get the other guy out of my head and i dont know why.
I dont know if he'd ever like me or want to even get to know me better if i wasnt in my current relationship.
Should i try and talk to him, even though he wasnt really talking to me yesterday. I see him next in work on 5th January.
Im hoping by then he may have calmed down a little more.
I just dont know what to do.
My bf and i go on holiday next monday for a week over New Year and although im meeting friends there and not spending the entire time with him im not sure if im gonna enjoy it so much.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sam79 
I still have the constant drinking, lying, manipulating and verbal, mental and physical abuse i had to go through in the back of my mind. Im scared that this could return in the future and i never want to go through this ever again.
What if i did marry him for it to all blow up in my face????
The fact that he is bisexual and occasionally likes to dress as a woman at home, it intimidates me, although he said it wont get in the way of us.
He also still likes to drink, granted its not as much now but still every now and agian is too much for me.
What if i did marry him for it to all blow up in my face????
The fact that he is bisexual and occasionally likes to dress as a woman at home, it intimidates me, although he said it wont get in the way of us.
He also still likes to drink, granted its not as much now but still every now and agian is too much for me.
Originally Posted by sam79
the feeling that i have unconditional love no matter what is the best feeling in the world to me and i crave it.
I just feel so damn empty
I just feel so damn empty
What do you see that is going to change and give you this where you are now?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Originally Posted by anvilhead
sam, i don't think the answer is with the BF or with the other guy.....i think the answer lies within YOU......
I think i need to talk to my bf about my feelings and explain that i might have to end the relationship. It will kill him cos he tells me how much he loves me and wants me as his wife but if i dont feel it totally and still have anxiety about things i just cant do that.
And i cant wait forever to find out if it will work.
I do love him so much and we get on REALLY well but it doesnt feel enough anymore and since this other guy and the mad feelings going round my head over him, its just made me feel even more strongly about this.
Maybe suggest we just be friends and take a break?
I just dont know anymore, ive got so many confused feelings whizzing around inside me.............................
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
I think he feels that if he has me, things are ok, he can do anything.
He told me that i am his life and he loves me with all his heart and hes so lucky to still have me after all that we've been through, so why do i feel so empty???
He told me that i am his life and he loves me with all his heart and hes so lucky to still have me after all that we've been through, so why do i feel so empty???
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Merseyside,UK
Posts: 109
Im so scared.
I dont want to hurt anyone, esp my bf.
But im so sick of my life. Its boring and i hate it!
I feel like im only deciding all this now over one guy, who i kissed when we were drunk and i dont think he actually likes me.
I cant get him out of my head and im stressing.......................WHY?!
What the hell is going on with me................................????
I dont want to hurt anyone, esp my bf.
But im so sick of my life. Its boring and i hate it!
I feel like im only deciding all this now over one guy, who i kissed when we were drunk and i dont think he actually likes me.
I cant get him out of my head and im stressing.......................WHY?!
What the hell is going on with me................................????
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
You wrote earlier you had only been "intimate" "a few times" in eight years with your current BF
Why wouldn't you obsess over a man that actually treated you "as a woman"?
We all want intimacy, it's that we confuse sex with intimacy sometimes.
You aren't getting either "at home" so it's only natural that it "made your heart leap" and now you are "obsessing about it"
We all deserve love and intimacy in our relationships, and that's primarily why I think people are suggesting you look at yourself right now, because it appears "from here" you aren't getting "what you need" in your present circumstances.
Your "flirting" or "acting out" with this "other man" is your mind's or bodies way of telling yourself that, and that's why people are suggesting you don't act on it, he is nothing more then "a drink" would be to an alcoholic, a quick fix to underlying symptoms.
When I wrote out my second or third fourth step I think it was, my sexual ideal was "don't hurt others" that was it, using that as a "guide" I caused as much pain as any of my acting out ever did by not "wanting to hurt someone" Now my ideal is a bit more complex then that, but it boils down to "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."
Why wouldn't you obsess over a man that actually treated you "as a woman"?
We all want intimacy, it's that we confuse sex with intimacy sometimes.
You aren't getting either "at home" so it's only natural that it "made your heart leap" and now you are "obsessing about it"
We all deserve love and intimacy in our relationships, and that's primarily why I think people are suggesting you look at yourself right now, because it appears "from here" you aren't getting "what you need" in your present circumstances.
Your "flirting" or "acting out" with this "other man" is your mind's or bodies way of telling yourself that, and that's why people are suggesting you don't act on it, he is nothing more then "a drink" would be to an alcoholic, a quick fix to underlying symptoms.
When I wrote out my second or third fourth step I think it was, my sexual ideal was "don't hurt others" that was it, using that as a "guide" I caused as much pain as any of my acting out ever did by not "wanting to hurt someone" Now my ideal is a bit more complex then that, but it boils down to "This above all: to thine own self be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man."
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by sam79
I feel like im only deciding all this now over one guy, who i kissed when we were drunk and i dont think he actually likes me.
I cant get him out of my head and im stressing.......................WHY?!
What the hell is going on with me................................????
I cant get him out of my head and im stressing.......................WHY?!
What the hell is going on with me................................????
Perhaps that one little "taste" of how things could be with someone else is working its why through your mind and is going to be a breakthrough of some sort. Perhaps there is a part of you that really, really doesn't want to continue in a relationship you find unsatifactory on a whole bunch of levels and this incident is going to cause you to take another look at what life could be.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Originally Posted by sam79
I think he feels that if he has me, things are ok, he can do anything.
He told me that i am his life and he loves me with all his heart and hes so lucky to still have me after all that we've been through, so why do i feel so empty???
He told me that i am his life and he loves me with all his heart and hes so lucky to still have me after all that we've been through, so why do i feel so empty???
My AH used to tell me how much he loved me too; how I "completed" him. What I completed was the scenario of normalcy. The two cars. The house. The swimming pool. The portfolio. The wife.
Meanwhile, the major ingredient in all of this so-called "bliss" was the bottle. And the bottle. And THEN IT WAS THE BOTTLE AND ALL THE OTHER STUFF WAS JUST EXTRANEOUS SH!T THAT KEPT THE WHEELS OF DENIAL SPINNING.
Hey, he has a job. He makes good money. And I've watched the self-destruction continue. Eventually, the cars, the house - with the pool, the portfolio, and DEFINITELY the wife will be gone. All gone.
Yeah, lots of "stuff" makes an alkie think all is well, they're okay. Things are fine. It's window dressing, and nothing more. I've lived it. And I no longer wish to be anyone's "arrangement" in order for them to feel fulfilled, okay, or like all is right with the world ....
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