Broke up with alcoholic boyfriend...feeling weak
 

I broke up with my alcoholic boyfriend about a little over a week ago...and I'm afraid that I'll get back together with him simply because I miss him. I REALLY care about him, but his addiction was running my life. We were together for about two years, and when we first began dating, I was not aware of his problem.
I'm only 19...and most of the time I feel like I've aged far beyond my years. All those nights of cleaning up his mess, tucking him in, the screaming, the crying. I'm not a fun teenager anymore. I havent been to any parties with my friends because of my hatred of alcohol. I hate it and what it's done to my life. I was never a big partier before all of this happened, but I enjoyed being young and stupid with my friends. I feel like I'm no longer the person I used to be.
My ex is almost 7 years older than me. He still lives with his parents, who attempt to control his life. They still don't undertand that-no matter what they do-he'll drink. He'll find a way...lie, steal, hide...whatever he needs to do to get the poison. He got a DWI last year...and has been in the ICU twice because of his drinking.
I know deep down that I've made the right decision...I just second guess myself when I'm lonely/sad. I think one of the major incidents that made me decide to leave him was when he drove drunk while I was in the passenger seat. I had no clue that he had been drinking...but it was clear about 15 minutes into the drive. I was so scared. After that night, I kept thinking about how he cold have killed me, himself, or someone else. I know it may sound silly, but since I'm still so young, I kept thinking about how my parents would react if they ever found out. My dad would seriously MURDER him. And I know I don't always need my parents' approval, but I don't want huge secrets like that to exist in a relationship.
My breaking point happened almost two weeks ago. He had left his house and stayed in a hotel nearby because he "couldn't stand" his parents anymore. They were upset with him because he drank. When I learned he was about to stay for a second night, I began to feel bad because he was so sad and lonely. I went to the hotel to surprise him...and of course, he was **** drunk when he opened the door. I found two bottles of vodka and a 40 of bud light. I also found a large bottle of mike's hard lemonade, which I dumped down the sink. He grabbed my hand and tried to stop me. I knew at that moment that this was no life to live-especially at 19.
I still love him, and he's been so depressed. I was the only thing he had left...so now he has no one to lean on. I feel terrible, and I could really use any advice that's out there. Thanks for reading this...I know it was long...I just finally had to let it all out.



:Xmasbb

Hello bumblebee
I am glad you are here, there are a lot of well meaning and wonderful people that will show you support.

I just went through something similar and I am almost 10 years older than you are, and it has been really difficult for me, so I say KUDOS to you girl. Not everyone is as smart as you. Specially at 19, you are very very brave!

I know the Grinch Feeling, I've been there as well, angry with life, angry with him and with alcohol.. so everyone now thinks I am a loner because I do not go out... but this is natural under these circumstances. In fact it can help you not become an alcoholic yourself. Whenever you'd like to go out, do so, and ask for a virgin drink... or just have a soda.. and whoever teases you for that, tell them this "what about a nice big mug of shut the f**ck up" as someone around here says!! But it is important to try and stay centered.. as I have not enjoyed social life I feel that when I start going out again I may become an alcoholic myself, "to get even" or numb my pain. So you have to be careful at this time and take care of yourself, and go out in a healthier atmosphere with people that do not drink at all... geekier plans for your sanity!!

Although he is alone now these are just the consequences of his actions. I am afraid he is the one that needs to realize his way of drinking is a problem. Until he reaches that point I am afraid there is nothing you can do but stay away from him.
I wish I had better advice for you, just be patient as I am sure other wiser people here will be able to shed more light. But I am glad you are here, keep posting! and welcome.

Stay strong!

When we are in full drunk mode we seek out those who enable us. Sure they may give us grief about our drinking, but we tell ourselves that is their way of loving us.

We are only given one life and the beauty is we get to control it if we just take the reigns. You are so right to look after your needs and keep yourself emotionally safe and seeking the happiest you can be. It is OK to be selfish this way.

Whether people mean it or not they will seek us out to facilitate their way, even if it hurts us.

Losing you, may be the bottom it takes to get him help (or it may not). No matter, that is his journey, not yours.

You deserve to be happy, you deserve to be 19 and silly and those things you miss that make you happy.

Keep your guard up, and expect it would be normal for him to play every emotional trick he can think of to drag you back down.

You are standing at the edge of the beginning of your adult life -- when you look back you make sure your write your own biography and not someone else.

HUGS Sweety!!!

I read your post, twice, and could have wrote it myself. I haven't actually left yet, but I'm hoping I can say I'm long gone by this time next month. I'm looking forward to it just as much as I'm dreading it. He's told me a couple dozen times that if I leave he'll have nothing, not even a reason to keep living. And that's hard for me to stomach--what if he really does kill himself after I leave? It'll feel like my fault!

I envy you though.....stay strong. You did the right thing.

One thing you may find helpful to write down all the resons you ended it and to read this in those moments when you are tempted to go back to this man. Remind yourself of how little you were getting out of this relationship.

You deserve so much more in life! You are way to young to tie yourself to an alcoholic.

"I know it may sound silly, but since I'm still so young, I kept thinking about how my parents would react if they ever found out. My dad would seriously MURDER him. And I know I don't always need my parents' approval, but I don't want huge secrets like that to exist in a relationship."

Hi Bumblebee,

Taking a quote from what you said - I don't think it's silly at all that your parent's care enough about you to not want you killed because of someone who doesn't love himself enough, therefore who cannot love you, to not drive while drunk. You may be only 19 but you have alot of living to do and it sounds to me like you have some great decision-making abilities and insight.

Living with an alcoholic is no kind of life for anyone, especially someone who is just starting on their life journey. Trust me. I just ended a relationship with one after 16 years and wish I'd had your insight in the first year. I could have saved myself so much heartbreak and pain. I miss him also but he chose the bottle over me, after all we've been through. Now his brother and family are trying to control his life and are under the illusion that they can help him.

The truth is no one can help your boyfriend except himself. It sounds like, by the quantity of alcohol you saw in his room, that he is not close to being ready to make that decision. You probably are the only person he had to lean on but that's because that's his choice. He's choosing to drive everyone who cares about hiim away.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but just be gentle with yourself. It's only been a week and of course you are going to miss him and grieve the loss of your relationship. Trust your intuition which was to leave that situation before you completely lost yourself. It only gets worse with an active A. It's a progressive disease, unless he chooses to reach out for help.

There is lots of great support for you on this forum. I don't know how I would have gotten through the last few months without everyone's concern and kindness here. You will get through this; just use any and all support systems that you can, including Alanon. We're here for you.

Hi Bumblebee, welcome!

I find this article to be very informative.

Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Maybe it's time for him to stand on his own two feet.

Twenty six years old and he has no one but you, someone he met 2 years ago? What does that say?

Welcome to SR, glad you found you're way here. Keep posting!

Wow. I am so grateful for all these supportive replies!! Thank you everyone! It feels so great to know I'm not alone out there. I can tell my friends about everything...but they dont KNOW what it's really lilke. I'm really glad i found this site.

and kv816...I 100% know how you feel. Whenever my ex drank, he would cry and say how he had nothing to live for. All he wanted to do was die. This was really difficult for me because a few years ago one of my friends killed himself...so I relive those feeling everytime he gets that upset. If you ever need anyone to talk to, please know that I'll always be here.

Hi bumblebee!! how are you feeling today?

Still Waters, I desperately needed to read that article. THANK YOU!

Hi! I just wanted to let you know I am going through the exact same thing. The addiction doesn't change the grief I am feeling for the relationship, even when I force myself to remember all the bad times, the lies, and abandonment. I think even with addiction and the feeling we need to help , we just have to sit back and grieve as we would any normal relationship. Realize we deserve all we want in life and many other people out there can help us achieve it. Give it time. The first month is always the hardest. Good luck! You are not alone.

Dreamer999,

I had an "okay" day today...thank you for asking. I did call him though...it just rips me apart when I think about how depressed he is. I know there's nothing I can do, but I still love him so much. It's definitely extra tough around the holidays, too. I feel so lonely at times. I miss him =(

Bumblebee,

Hugs to you! Hope you're feeling better. The pain will subside. You just need to get through this, one day at a time. Take good care of yourself and go to an Al Anon meeting. There, you will most likely find the support you need to get through this time.

don't worry, going through this "crap" is terrible for a person at any age. I too developed a striking dislike for drunk people and the brainless bar/disco mentality that had become my aw's mantra. i got fed up with hearing stories about her friends getting injured, vomiting, dui's,. Even the highest IQ people as drunks together become gibberish speaking morons.

I saw no redeeming grace or positive value to society in this.

"This Buds NOT for me"

Tonight was SO HARD and I'm wondering if anyone has felt the same way I do...I caved in and went to his house after an entire day of him crying hysterically (he drank last night and is always very depressed the next day). I felt so bad that he was so upset so I went over there to talk to him. He would just lay there and cry...it's so hard to do this to someone that I still love so much. I don't know what to do. I hate thinking about how upset he is.

Sounds like you need to get the focus back on YOU. How do you feel? What is best for you? If you don't take care of yourself, no one else will! Keep the focus on you and your needs. Go to Al Anon. Get informed about alcoholism. Read through the Classic Reading threads at the top of the forum. Get a copy of Under the Influence and Co-dependant No more and read them. If I had known 18 years ago what I know today my life would be unrecognisable!

Your AB is a grown up who can make adult choices and look after himself, he isn't a child for you to mother. You said yourself that he will drink if he chooses - no one else can control it! Please save yourself years and years of misery caused by being with an active alcoholic.

:ghug3

You are not doing it to him, he is doing it to himself.

Take care of you and wonderful things will happen. ((( )))

I keep pasting that link when it's appropriate, since it hit so close to home for me. I'm so glad someone else found it helpful Dreamer. :)

bumbleebee. i am young too, and at 19 i missed all the red flags of being with my alcoholic boyfriend. at stronger times i broke up with him. at weaker times, we got back together. if i knew then what i knew now, i wouldve stayed far far far far far far far and trust me when i say far, FAR away. no contact, nothing. thats what i wish i had done so i ddint get sucked back in and have 5 more unhealthy years of psuedo committments and a real committment from my heart. its not that i regret the time i spent with this person, but they caused a lot of heartbreak (and i mean HEART BREAK) and did not help with my own self esteem issues. you are 19. you are SO LUCKY that 2 years is all the time youve invested in this person. keep posting, keep reading, but PLEASE make sure you realize that you are too young and have too much love to give to someone who doesnt love themselves or have as much to offer.