justanothrdrunk

Me = 36
Her = 39

Been married 14 years. We have a son who is 3.

I've been drinking and using drugs since I was at least 14. I was a drunk and an addict when we met. I was a drunk and an addict for 13 years of marriage. I did have some sober time here and there (a couple times as much as a year). Been in rehab 3 times. The last one was for 5 months followed by another 4 months in a sober house. Was away from home for a total of 9 months while she was taking care of a two-year-old on her own.

We're together and happy as ever. Though it wasn't always like this. I was an underground drinker for a long time. Hiding, sneaking, lying constantly... but never fooled her.

I think one of the big keys to our sucess was her continued involvement in al-anon. I suppose I deserve some credit for working my program as well (been sober 17 months now). She's been in al-anon for 4 years.

One of the things I like best is how respectful and understanding she is about my program. My program of recovery includes me spending social, fellowship time with other drunks/addicts. And because we're a bunch of irresponsible drunks/addicts, we can't plan anything in advance. So there are often times when I get a call and at the drop of a hat, there's some sort of something going on fellowship-wise.

I'm allowed to drop (practically) everything and head out to meet with friends twice per week. This usually happens in the middle of dinner. Phone rings, "hey, we're going to this or that meeting and then hanging out - right now." The fellowship is part of my program, something I need to do in order to keep sober. She understands this. Granted, it would be nice if we could be on a regular schedule most of the time, but that just isn't happening right now and I can't control my friends. Other times include when someone is in need. She knows that part of my program includes helping other drunks/addicts. The phone rings late at night sometimes. And that's okay. Though I'm expected not to be yapping on the phone at all hours in the bedroom while she's trying to sleep.

Though I don't want to sound like it's all up to her. I mean, part of it is. But I have to keep up my end of the bargain too. I take over with the boy when she goes to her meetings and does her al-anon thing too. Plus I have to stay sober - duh. But the bottom line is that my program is mine (in a sense, it's my HP's program, and my sponsor's program, etc.) and she isn't involved. As long as my program is working for me, then everyone is happy. The alternative is a "no-contest" situation.

Bottom line is that it takes a lot of work to keep our relationship together (as does anyone's I suppose). And we both have to do our part.

FormerDoormat

I grew tired of sacrificing myself, my wants, and my needs during my ex-partner's drinking days and later, during his periods of sobriety, his constant absences from our family and family responsibilties due to his daily participation in AA. Drunk or sober, I always came second to the bottle or AA. My partner was short-changing me and I was short-changing myself by accepting that kind of life. I'm not willing to live that way any more.

Mark75

Hi

I am a 51 year old recovering alcoholic with 4 kids and a wonderful, non alcoholic, wife of 24 years. We love each other deeply, we are soulmates. As a couple we go back to high school, 33 years. I am around 100 days clean and sober. I was in rehab as the result of a kind of a surprise 3rd party intervention at work (she works with me) that took place on, but unrelated to, our wedding anniversary - I consider it a divine intervention.

It's hard, real hard for both of us. The changes in our relationship continue to emerge. I go through very difficult periods of shame, guilt, anxiety and self pity. Thankfully these are lessening as I get further into recovery, but she doesn't always or completely understand. She is frustrated because it seems that "it's all about me". She hurts too. We had a stressful day yesterday and I asked her if it was easier for her when I was still drinking, she said yes (I was generally a "happy" or laid back drunk, addict...).

Christmas has always been a fire in the fireplace, a drink for her a few for me, christmas music, lights, candles... romantic. Not this year.

I have come to accept my disease, as for her, I think she has too. I have learned a lot about respecting her boundaries and not leaning on her too hard or trying to control her, but I have more to learn. She is a very well put together person but she could benefit from al-anon, something I don't think she'll do. She has forgiven me, but she, I think, may still be somewhat ashamed, of me (?), us (?), that she couldn't stop me from drinking (?), even though no human being could have... but I can't speak for her.

I intend to do everything in my power to keep our marriage. That means I'll have to keep my sobriety first. I am going to AA meetings almost every day, reading, praying, coming here to SR. She prays a lot.

Everyone's different 2sweetbabies. If you want your marriage to work more than anything and you love him endlessly and your husband wants to recover more than anything and loves you endlessly, I say... Why the heck not, why can't it work? Because that's how I feel about my marriage... and neither my wife and I are gonna give up without a fight.

Mark

denny57

I like this thread - it points out for me again that it doesn't matter if the alcoholic is drinking or not - it matters if I am living the life I want.

Thank you.