brightlights

hi everyone,

where would we all be without this forum? i just want to say thanks to you and the internet!

so my best friend has been an alcoholic for a few years, we've gone to AA together and confidentially talked about her addiction for years. then i got cancer, saw less and less of her as she got more into her addiction and after a major drunken scene on the day of her wedding (before the church), i panicked. i called her a few days later as i was beyond worried about how bad things had become. i told her how worried i was, how i thought she was sick (bad choice of words i know now) and she hung up and then sent me vicious, name calling texts about how i was putting a mean-spirited, negative spin on her wedding day. everyone (including her family who sit quietly by) knows she was drunk on the day but they are too scared of her -- she has lots of money now with very rich man.

anyway, i decided not to respond to her texts and last six months went by with no communication. then i decided that i couldn't just let 15 years of friendship go down the toilet and sent her a reaching-out type email. she responded saying that i had ruined her honeymoon with my phone call and that my actions were 'unforgivable.' i haven't, and definitely won't, respond.

i'm now a combination of sad, relieved and angry. angrier than i feel comfortable with. she's going around telling friends lies about me, about why we aren't talking and i just want to shout from the rooftops the truth. i've lied and covered for her for years and she's so into some bogus image that, i hate to admit it, but i want to pop a big hole in. i know deep down i won't shout from the rooftops but i find it infuriating that i am supposed to sit on the sidelines silent, and don't know how long i'll be able to do this.

sorry for "talking" so much and would appreciate any and all thoughts.

best wishes to all of you.

GiveLove

As someone who DID choose to let a friendship of 15 years go because of alcoholism and all it's madness, I wanted to send you a hug and let you know I understand. It's hard to just let them go, to let them do whatever they're going to do, isn't it? You want to do situation management, damage control, follow them around and get with everyone they've told lies about you, to say, "She's making that up! It's not true! Here's what really happened........"

I'm afraid you'll drive yourself mad trying to control the situation, brightlights.

All you can do is (perhaps) admit that this friendship has outlived its usefulness in your life, and that you will be much healthier and more serene without it. From what you've told us about her, she sounds remarkably self-centered and in complete denial, a terrible combination. Send up a little prayer that she will find her way out of alcoholism -- alcoholism is a progressive disorder, and her future is anything but bright at this point. I do not envy the man she married, money or not.

Hugs, brightlights

Ago

Hi Brightlights, Big City here, so, what do you expect to accomplish by "telling on her" and who would you tell, and what difference would it make anyway?

What's that Dr Suess saying? "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind"

The thing about alcoholism is it doesn't "hide" very well, so the people who would "believe" you already know, and the people in denial won't "believe" you so you'd just end up frustrated anyway.

Well, the three C's apply here I think, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it, and interacting with this person gets you all bent out of shape so what is it exactly are you getting from this relationship anyway?

What can you do to take care of yourself, and allow her the dignity to make her own choices? If you have attended AA together I am going to guess you have your own "higher power" and that means she has one too, so why not let her "higher power" take care of her, and allow yours to take care of you, and don't let her become your higher power which is what happens when we give other people power over us, and don't become hers which is what we are doing if we think we know what's best for another alcoholic.

I find when I start "running the show" even if my motives are good, I am not turning my will and my life over to the care of God, I am "playing" God, and that is always a slippery slope that leads to resentment, which as we know is the #1 offender.

How can you detach and take care of yourself and allow her the dignity to do the same? Is taking some space a good idea?

Mill Valley Speaker (Thu) > Tuesday Night Chip

j0hn0than1964

these things are so hard I agree. the hardest part is the people who may need the most help do not always want it. While in their diseased state it is further impossible to listen and process any input about their drinking. These things I know I have been there. I think you can ask yourself if you were honest and heartfelt in our questions with your friend and it sounds as if you were sincere and still are. Keep your head up and your same frame of mind, and think about how you may respond if she chooses to reach out to you at some point. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

JT

gns

I wanted to scream about the unjust accusations in my life too, but I slowly realized that chractor is everything, and eventually people see that all by themselves. My suggestion would be to just keep acting from your true character!