I hate being around drunk people...needing advice now....
Formerly known as soconfused11
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Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Colon, MI
Posts: 410
I hate being around drunk people...needing advice now....
ABF hasn't had a drop to drink in the 2 weeks he has been back, until today. My dad (alcoholic) and his 2 drunk friends stopped by to plow the driveway tonight. Of course, all of them are drinking, and Chris asked them to bring one in for him, promising he would only drink one. Of course, that never happens. Now he is on his second. I know that I can't control it....but they are all sitting on my couch right now, talking, drinking, and being loud.
It takes me back to childhood, I hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......
The key to how this night ends is on how I handle things after they leave. I want to flip out, but it won't do any good. Any advice on what to say? I don't have boundaries yet....all day long Chris has been wanting romance and I promised "later", b/c I was busy doing stuff. I can't give it to him now....I just hope I can stay calm, Ryan has a friend over.
It takes me back to childhood, I hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......
The key to how this night ends is on how I handle things after they leave. I want to flip out, but it won't do any good. Any advice on what to say? I don't have boundaries yet....all day long Chris has been wanting romance and I promised "later", b/c I was busy doing stuff. I can't give it to him now....I just hope I can stay calm, Ryan has a friend over.
Last edited by historyteach; 12-20-2008 at 11:52 AM. Reason: language
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
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Originally Posted by Soconfused11 
It takes me back to childhood, I hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......
I'm sorry to be harsh, but he's doing exactly what addicts do. You had the freedom to choose not to let him back in. You know his history. You know his behavior and drinking patterns.
So who are you really mad at? How is dealing or not dealing with him going to make a difference? You took back a man with no recovery whatsoever, who is active in his addiction.
Dear, this is the reality of WHAT IS. Either accept him for what he is and live with it, or don't accept it and kick him out.
Your life. Your choice.
Last edited by historyteach; 12-20-2008 at 11:53 AM. Reason: language copied by op
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And p.s. -
You keep asking for advice. Why? I cannot force you to take my advice, and people generally do what they want to do, advice or not.
You are doing what YOU want to do. As I said, you can put up with it and accept him for what he is. You can tell him to leave. You sound miserable when he's gone and madder than a wet cat when he's with you.
Is this how you want to live? Because it sure sounds like it from the choices you continue to make.
You are doing what YOU want to do. As I said, you can put up with it and accept him for what he is. You can tell him to leave. You sound miserable when he's gone and madder than a wet cat when he's with you.
Is this how you want to live? Because it sure sounds like it from the choices you continue to make.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
I'm going to say this....I have to say this....you said Ryan has a friend over. My stomach turned. A bunch of loud drunks and he has a friend over. This will make a memory for him and don't think he can't feel your stress. I grew up in that environment. It doesn't get better. He can't have one drink. It's not possible. Ryan has a friend over and I hope what happened to me does not happen to him....my friends didn't want to come over anymore. Or worse...after they told their folks what it was like at my house...they were not ALLOWED to come over. Think of Ryan tonight after they leave should you feel like having it out with Chris. Consider that your son feels all of this!!!!!
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Alabama
Posts: 209
Everyone can give you all of the advice in the world, but what really matters is what are YOU going to actually do? I have to agree with prodigal. You let this man back into your home knowing that he wasn't really in recovery. Why? Why subject yourself and your child to an active addict? Why jeopardize your well being and the well being of your child (and his friend). Why continue on the crazy roller coaster ride?
You and your son don't need this. It sounds like you don't want it. So, why not move on? Let him do what he's going to do. But, let him do it somewhere else. Trust me, you can survive without him. That was my biggest fear. How am I going to do this alone? Guess what...I have. You can too!
Just remember...nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sue
You and your son don't need this. It sounds like you don't want it. So, why not move on? Let him do what he's going to do. But, let him do it somewhere else. Trust me, you can survive without him. That was my biggest fear. How am I going to do this alone? Guess what...I have. You can too!
Just remember...nothing changes if nothing changes.
Sue
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
The key to how this night ends is how you handle things NOW, not after they leave.
If I had to choose between allowing a drunken father, brother, friend, or partner to shovel my driveway and shoveling the driveway myself, I'd do the job myself (or just allow the snow to eventually melt). If I had to choose between having an active drinker for a boyfriend or no boyfriend at all, I'd choose no boyfriend at all.
Though you claim otherwise, I believe you still have a need to surround yourself with people who are alcoholics because that's the life you're choosing for yourself today. When you invite alcoholics into your home it's like bringing home a fifth, or a six-pack, or a case. Alcoholics and alcohol are a package deal.
None of us on this forum can take action for you or make choices for you.
If I had to choose between allowing a drunken father, brother, friend, or partner to shovel my driveway and shoveling the driveway myself, I'd do the job myself (or just allow the snow to eventually melt). If I had to choose between having an active drinker for a boyfriend or no boyfriend at all, I'd choose no boyfriend at all.
Though you claim otherwise, I believe you still have a need to surround yourself with people who are alcoholics because that's the life you're choosing for yourself today. When you invite alcoholics into your home it's like bringing home a fifth, or a six-pack, or a case. Alcoholics and alcohol are a package deal.
None of us on this forum can take action for you or make choices for you.
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Location: where the streets have no name
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Wishful thinking; someone we have all been guilty of at at some time or another.
I never liked being around obnoxious drunks but I had never lived with alcoholism. Now drunks DO bother me a whole lot more.
I never liked being around obnoxious drunks but I had never lived with alcoholism. Now drunks DO bother me a whole lot more.
Originally Posted by Soconfused11
ABF hasn't had a drop to drink in the 2 weeks he has been back, until today. My dad (alcoholic) and his 2 drunk friends stopped by to plow the driveway tonight. Of course, all of them are drinking, and Chris asked them to bring one in for him, promising he would only drink one. Of course, that never happens. Now he is on his second. I know that I can't control it....but they are all sitting on my couch right now, talking, drinking, and being loud.
It takes me back to childhood, I hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......
The key to how this night ends is on how I handle things after they leave. I want to flip out, but it won't do any good. Any advice on what to say? I don't have boundaries yet....all day long Chris has been wanting romance and I promised "later", b/c I was busy doing stuff. I can't give it to him now....I just hope I can stay calm, Ryan has a friend over.
It takes me back to childhood, I hate listening to a bunch of drunks, makes my blood boil......
The key to how this night ends is on how I handle things after they leave. I want to flip out, but it won't do any good. Any advice on what to say? I don't have boundaries yet....all day long Chris has been wanting romance and I promised "later", b/c I was busy doing stuff. I can't give it to him now....I just hope I can stay calm, Ryan has a friend over.
Last edited by historyteach; 12-20-2008 at 11:53 AM. Reason: language copied by op
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I'm sure you've noticed by now I haven't responded to your posts lately, and debated on whether to respond to this one or not.
You and I have known each other long before you found SR, and long before I found SR.
You're no longer a victim. You are a willing participant. Unfortunately, Ryan is a victim. He didn't ask for the insanity you keep bringing in to your home. I say that not to guilt trip you because I know that doesn't work. I say that because that is a cold hard fact of your situation.
I know for at least two years now you have been offered a variety of resources to work through your issues that keep you shackled to the dysfunction of needing alcoholics in your life, yet you choose to avoid doing the work.
I have been there for you via telephone any time you have needed to talk.
You have been offered much support when you have made him leave your home.
However, you are a willing participant to the same old stuff, just a different day.
I honestly believe that this is as good as it's ever going to get for you, and unfortunately, for Ryan too.
Just as it is for some alcoholics, there are those codependents too who choose to spend the rest of their lives sinking deeper and deeper into the insanity.
Some live a long time to become bitter angry old people.
Some end up dead at the hands of abusive alcoholics (and I know he has laid his hands on you before).
Some take their own lives because the pain of living with active alcoholism becomes too great.
You and I have known each other long before you found SR, and long before I found SR.
You're no longer a victim. You are a willing participant. Unfortunately, Ryan is a victim. He didn't ask for the insanity you keep bringing in to your home. I say that not to guilt trip you because I know that doesn't work. I say that because that is a cold hard fact of your situation.
I know for at least two years now you have been offered a variety of resources to work through your issues that keep you shackled to the dysfunction of needing alcoholics in your life, yet you choose to avoid doing the work.
I have been there for you via telephone any time you have needed to talk.
You have been offered much support when you have made him leave your home.
However, you are a willing participant to the same old stuff, just a different day.
I honestly believe that this is as good as it's ever going to get for you, and unfortunately, for Ryan too.
Just as it is for some alcoholics, there are those codependents too who choose to spend the rest of their lives sinking deeper and deeper into the insanity.
Some live a long time to become bitter angry old people.
Some end up dead at the hands of abusive alcoholics (and I know he has laid his hands on you before).
Some take their own lives because the pain of living with active alcoholism becomes too great.
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 282
Well...considering the above I really don't feel that I can offer any advice that you will find helpful. I consider myself LUCKY that My xabf left me. I didn't at first...not a all...but now I do because situations such as yours show me that I may have been one of those women that never ended it.
I don't like to know I was that way. But I was...and maybe still am. I hope you find what you need to live your life and give your son an idea of what life can be because right now the reality he is living is damaging and honestly very sad to me. You can stop it. I really hope you do for you son's sake.
I don't like to know I was that way. But I was...and maybe still am. I hope you find what you need to live your life and give your son an idea of what life can be because right now the reality he is living is damaging and honestly very sad to me. You can stop it. I really hope you do for you son's sake.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,697
I'm coming in late on this thread.
Think about acceptance, Wendy. Think about whether or not you can embrace this life - as it is today - and find beauty in it. Can you find peace here?
Can you hear drunken conversation without your blood boiling, without yelling at Chris, without crying yourself to sleep?
Can this be your best life?
Is this Ryan's best life?
If your soul screams "NO!", then consider that you owe it to yourself to take action.
I know that action is painful. I found it far less painful than inaction.
Best wishes and much love to you tonight.
-TC
Think about acceptance, Wendy. Think about whether or not you can embrace this life - as it is today - and find beauty in it. Can you find peace here?
Can you hear drunken conversation without your blood boiling, without yelling at Chris, without crying yourself to sleep?
Can this be your best life?
Is this Ryan's best life?
If your soul screams "NO!", then consider that you owe it to yourself to take action.
I know that action is painful. I found it far less painful than inaction.
Best wishes and much love to you tonight.
-TC
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi soconfused
I would like to ask you about violence, lately I have thought that I am very peaceful and get very sad when I listen to stories of war or hatred... those break my heart.
However when I looked at the alcoholic in my life and even worse, the treatment I gave myself after leaving (seclusion, depression, destructive thoughts, rooting for him and the new girl, critizing my own defects) I realized "I was inflicting violence to my own self.
When you accept abuse from others you are abusing yourself
And that is the worst form of abuse
But you can end it anytime!! How much time are you going to wait?
I would like to ask you about violence, lately I have thought that I am very peaceful and get very sad when I listen to stories of war or hatred... those break my heart.
However when I looked at the alcoholic in my life and even worse, the treatment I gave myself after leaving (seclusion, depression, destructive thoughts, rooting for him and the new girl, critizing my own defects) I realized "I was inflicting violence to my own self.
When you accept abuse from others you are abusing yourself
And that is the worst form of abuse
But you can end it anytime!! How much time are you going to wait?
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