AH wants "to talk" about saving our marriage
Rediscovering myself
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Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 231
AH wants "to talk" about saving our marriage
There is no way I'm staying with this man while he's drinking. I have a lawyer and am gathering evidence against my AH. He is in total denial about his problem. I know when he turns away from the bottle, it has to be his decision.
So when (on the rare occasion) he asks "what can I do? tell me what to do" I don't know what to say. I feel like if I mention the drinking I'll be leading him to a sobriety for me and not for himself and it will not stick. Suggestions?
So when (on the rare occasion) he asks "what can I do? tell me what to do" I don't know what to say. I feel like if I mention the drinking I'll be leading him to a sobriety for me and not for himself and it will not stick. Suggestions?
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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One of the last things xAH and I said to each other outside the divorce proceedings was him saying "just tell me what to do." I responded "I can't do that anymore."
Just because a question is asked doesn't mean I have to supply an answer that makes the other person happy.
Just because a question is asked doesn't mean I have to supply an answer that makes the other person happy.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
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Originally Posted by justaboutus 
So when (on the rare occasion) he asks "what can I do?"
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AH wants "to talk" about saving our marriage
There is no way I'm staying with this man while he's drinking.
What exactly is this purported conversation going to be about? Read your own words, follow your own decision. Don't shoot me for saying so, but if you are speaking the truth, and your mind is made up, do what you say - or plan on typing the same post here in a week, a month, a year, whenever. Only you can change your situation.
There is no way I'm staying with this man while he's drinking.
What exactly is this purported conversation going to be about? Read your own words, follow your own decision. Don't shoot me for saying so, but if you are speaking the truth, and your mind is made up, do what you say - or plan on typing the same post here in a week, a month, a year, whenever. Only you can change your situation.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I think it's the "while he's drinking" part that keeps the door cracked open, am I right?
I think Denny and Blessed are right. He has to make this decision, and you're not obligated to make it for him. I assume you've had the conversation at least a hundred times about how unhappy you are living with an active alcoholic? If he doesn't get it, he's either not listening or it's just not something he's willing to do. So be it.
Hugs to you, justaboutus. You're doing what's right for you -- let him figure out what he wants to do for him.
I think Denny and Blessed are right. He has to make this decision, and you're not obligated to make it for him. I assume you've had the conversation at least a hundred times about how unhappy you are living with an active alcoholic? If he doesn't get it, he's either not listening or it's just not something he's willing to do. So be it.
Hugs to you, justaboutus. You're doing what's right for you -- let him figure out what he wants to do for him.
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,695
I think my husband asks this periodically to see if MY needs have changed.
His, as evidenced by his actions, have stayed the same. He still needs to drink.
I guess he just wants to check and see if my need for a sober home has somehow morphed into acceptance of life with an active alcoholic.
It has not.
I am tired of the conversation.
Take care, justaboutus.
-TC
His, as evidenced by his actions, have stayed the same. He still needs to drink.
I guess he just wants to check and see if my need for a sober home has somehow morphed into acceptance of life with an active alcoholic.
It has not.
I am tired of the conversation.
Take care, justaboutus.
-TC
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Northern KY
Posts: 168
Mine said what do I do.
I told him my issues with him drinking, how it affects his behavior, our relationship...He said so what do you want me to do??????!!!!!??????
I was told I just need to tell him he's drinking to much. When I said that was his responsibility, not mine...his reply? Well, you're my wife and you love me so you should tell me that I'm getting a little to drink.
I told him my issues with him drinking, how it affects his behavior, our relationship...He said so what do you want me to do??????!!!!!??????
I was told I just need to tell him he's drinking to much. When I said that was his responsibility, not mine...his reply? Well, you're my wife and you love me so you should tell me that I'm getting a little to drink.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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Lots of good advice here. You'll know just what to say.
but really when they say "I want to talk about saving our marriage" doesn't it really mean, I want to try to figure out someway to keep you <while I still drink>.
If he really wanted to save his marriage he would do it....not talk about it.
I know my AH has been told 100 x's he needs to go to treatment....so he doesn't need to hear it again...he just needs to go. KWIM?
but really when they say "I want to talk about saving our marriage" doesn't it really mean, I want to try to figure out someway to keep you <while I still drink>.
If he really wanted to save his marriage he would do it....not talk about it.
I know my AH has been told 100 x's he needs to go to treatment....so he doesn't need to hear it again...he just needs to go. KWIM?
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
If I had a quarter for each time my AH has told me "I have a drinking problem," or "I believe the drinking is killing me," I'd be a rich woman today.
Manipulation. Pure and simple. "What can I do?" is a loaded question that places the responsibility for THEIR response in YOUR lap. Man, they're good at it, aren't they? And a question like that expunges an adult of taking responsibility and keeps them mired in finger-pointing, feeling victimitzed, and maintaining the addiction.
The last time I heard the latest version of the drinking-is-killing-me-what-should-I-do mantra, I suggested getting one of the phone books in the laundry room and looking up rehab facilities or going online to find one.
Bottom line: leave me out of the addiction. It's none of my doggone business!
Manipulation. Pure and simple. "What can I do?" is a loaded question that places the responsibility for THEIR response in YOUR lap. Man, they're good at it, aren't they? And a question like that expunges an adult of taking responsibility and keeps them mired in finger-pointing, feeling victimitzed, and maintaining the addiction.
The last time I heard the latest version of the drinking-is-killing-me-what-should-I-do mantra, I suggested getting one of the phone books in the laundry room and looking up rehab facilities or going online to find one.
Bottom line: leave me out of the addiction. It's none of my doggone business!
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